Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Really, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Reopening soon
Rumors are that Mars Phoenix has made a major discovery relating to the potential for life on Mars. In a related story, Starbucks will reopen the stores they just closed on Mars.

Yes, I know it is called the long jump
Earlier this week, thousands of athletes from around the world took part in the Gay Olympics. The Gay Olympics are like the regular Olympics except that the broad jump is called the Dude jump.

Earlier this week, thousands of athletes from around the world took part in the Gay Olympics. The Gay Olympics: where steroids aren’t the only thing injected into the athlete’s butts.

Not clear
The Olympics open Friday. Due to all the Beijing air pollution, Olympic fever has been replaced by Olympic runny eyes and persistent dry hack.

A “Wall Street Journal” article claims Barrack Obama may to too skinny and could turn off the 66% of voting-age people who are overweight. That’s silly. If we wanted someone who is as fat and goofy as the average jamoke it would be hello President Larry the Cable Guy.

Dirty air
Here it is right before the Olympics and the Beijing air quality is still bad. You know the air quality is bad when the healthiest thing in the Olympic night air is a javelin.

Here it is right before the Olympics and the Beijing air quality is still bad. At the Opening ceremonies they were going to release doves into the air, but, during rehearsal, the doves hit the smog and rained down looking like fried chickens after an explosion at KFC.

Something not so special in the air
On a Delta flight from L.A. to Atlanta, they found a dead woman’s body in the bathroom. Apparently she didn’t love to fly and it showed.

We kid our fellow Fantasy Football players
Fantasy Football is coming up. You start six players from any NFL team and they get points for their production; your team plays against another Fantasy team in your league. If you win you celebrate by having sex with your imaginary girlfriend and sleeping in your Spiderman pajamas.

The consensus
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were paid $14 million by “People” for cover pictures of their babies. “I’m really happy Brad and Angelina got paid that much for their baby pictures” said nobody.

Monday, August 04, 2008

We gonna give them turkeys a righteous beat-down from the beak down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What did they expect?
At a Kansas zoo, a female golden retriever has adopted and nursed three white tiger cubs. The owner of the dog said they expected something like this would happen when they named the dog Angelina Jolie.

Hey there whippersnapper
Yesterday, John McCain angrily accused Barrack Obama of using the race card against him. And then Obama accused McCain of using his AARP card against him.

Manny being Manny being nuts
Now, I don’t want to imply that Manny Ramirez is nuts, but now that he has been traded to the Dodgers, Andy Dick is now officially the second craziest guy in L.A.

Kids will be kids
A Florida judge decided not to prosecute the 94-year-old man arrested for soliciting a prostitute. When asked to comment, John McCain said; “Hey, young kids make mistakes.”

A Florida judge decided not to prosecute the 94-year-old man arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Instead the judge has decided to represent the 94-year-old man in an ad deal with Viagra.

Makes sense
They found a 44-pound cat in New Jersey. Most cats weigh around ten pounds. The fat cat was found wandering around and howling out complaints about the heat so they named it Al Gore.

Veepstakes – sorry Dave
John McCain is looking for a running mate. It has to be someone with political clout, who knows economics and who can read McCain the menu at Dennys.

That Jackie Robinson is something
With both teams in first place, a Barack Obama-backed Chicago White Sox versus a John McCain-backed Arizona Diamondbacks World Series is possible. When asked to comment,
McCain said he would prefer it if the Diamondbacks played the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Sure test
Officials at the Beijing Olympics announced they are going to administer tests to determine the true sex of the athletes. The test is simple: they hand the athlete a TV remote, when they ask for it back, if the athlete hands it over, they’re female, if they don’t, they’re male.

Since you asked:
Just saw the Stones’ “Shine A Light” Very good. But the set list was a little off of what I would choose as I am a Stones “Sticky Fingers” “Exile on Main St.” “Hot Rocks” purist. For example, “Some Girls” and “Just My Imagination” and “Shattered” although good songs, as all Stones songs are, would not have been my choices. The greatest- hits compilation of “Hot Rocks” was my very first music album. Prior to that it was just Bill Cosby comedy albums.

I got “Hot Rocks” on my 14th birthday on August 15th. I can remember I went to an unofficial pre-football practice run by some of the high school varsity players with my pal, the way cooler Bruce Barkwill. We were the only two about-to-be freshmen and we were very proud of ourselves for hanging at the workout with the older guys.

We rode our bikes home on a muggy early evening and my Mom invited Bruce in for my birthday dinner of fried chicken, green beans and corn bread. After eating the white cake with vanilla frosting, another birthday staple, I opened presents and stopped at Hot Rocks and we played it over and over again. At the time I remember that I wasn’t much of a Beatles guy. They seemed too odd and spacey to me. The Stones seemed edgy and cool.

“Shine A Light” was also fascinating in light of my having just read Don Felder’s Eagle tell-all “Heaven and Hell.” The duel leaders of this legendary iconic upper-stratosphere band seem fairly down-to-earth. Granted, Mick Jagger is very consumed and protective of the Jagger brand and image and that seems to take some of the fun out by replacing it with over-calculation. But he also seems like a nice enough bloke to everyone including the crew. And Keith is just the personification of a kind, philosophical British gentleman. Likewise with Charlie and Ronnie.

My head nearly exploded with excitement when Buddy Guy joined the boys for a rockin’ blues “Champagne and Reefer” and that was followed by one of my favorites “Tumblin’ Dice.” Those two songs alone were worth the $15 Amazon.com price of the DVD. And, as much as this is going to upset my buddy Stewie Dawgs, I have to resign as president from the “I hate the wildly over-modulating Christina Aguilera” club. The word sexy don’t quite do her performance justice. Honesty compels me to say I haven’t seen a performance that hot since Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary” in her “knocking me out with her American thighs” prime. Con permiso Stewie Dawgs.

My only real problem with “Shine a Light”? They don’t play Shine a Light in concert. They just play it over the ending credits. What the . . .? Why not name the movie “Drop Kick Me Jesus Through The Goal Posts of Life” because they didn’t play that either.

OK, easy Lex, simmer down there big fella. Put a damper on her. Throttle back, guy.

There is one telling moment when the band emerges from an elevator back stage and, in an unconscious gesture of respect, they let Keith walk out first. But when the Keefers sees the phalanx of cameras and fans up ahead, he puts his hand on Mick’s shoulder gently guiding him to be out in front. In short, I think that is the secret of the Stones: Keith is smart enough to allow Mick to appear the leader.

Not to get all "Hang in there, Baby" kitty-dangling poster on you, but what is Lex's secret to life?

Four words: enjoy the little things. (The big things take care of themselves)

Enjoy that first sip of coffee in the morning.

Enjoy the giggle you get from that funny line in the sports page, or the sports report on the radio, especially of it's one of yours.

Enjoy the sleepy expressions on the face of your loved ones - including the dogs - when they wake up and stumble around.

Enjoy making the perfect fried eggs without breaking the yokes, because it does not happen often.

Enjoy that e-mail from a long lost friend.

Enjoy finding that song on iTunes you had given up on finding

Enjoy getting a package from Amazon in the mail. Christmas comes year round.

Enjoy the cool water pouring over your head from the two-gallon plastic jug from the back of your car as it washes off the salt water after you surf and how Van Morrison's "It Stoned Me" automatically pops in your mind.

Enjoy it when a good joke seems to type itself out on the computer and you just helped it.

Enjoy when your kid laughs so hard they collapse like a puppet with the strings cut.

Enjoy rocking out during your run or workout to that new iPod playlist you made.

Enjoy taking your kid to the grocery store and embarrassing her every chance you get.

Enjoy waking up feeling great after a tasty little 20-minute snooze.

Enjoy a long swallow of beer in the shower after a great work out.

Enjoy that first sip of wine in the gloaming as you spark up the grill with hot air balloons flying overhead.

Enjoy a perfectly grilled juicy steak glistening with olive oil and melting sea salt. (Come to think of it, that ain't such a little thing)

Enjoy that contended and happy pig-like grunting noise your dogs make when you're rubbing their tummy and nuzzling their muzzle.

Enjoy that, when you recognize and appreciate these great moments, you take a second to give thanks and knock on wood three times. Trust me, do it.

And, finally, enjoy that feeling when you finally settle in on that perfect comfy spot in bed as you sigh knowing you are about to drift off.

Hey, I never said they were going to be funny.