Friday, August 01, 2008

A Whole Lotta Shakin’ goin’ on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How Shaky Was it?
We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much Shia Labeouf drove in a straight line.

Now authorities are saying that it wasn’t Shia LaBeouf’s fault when he rolled his truck. He was trying to swerve out of the way of a drunk and staggering Andy Dick.

This one is painful in many ways
LA had a 5.4 earthquake which is fine unless you happen to be getting laser eye surgery or a circumcision; and heaven forbid you were getting laser eye surgery and a circumcision at the same time during the quake because you could end up cock-eyed. (Thank you, try the veal)

There was an awkward moment when somebody asked President Bush if he wanted to visit the epicenter in California, Bush said, “No silly, the Epicenter is in Disney World in Florida.”

We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much a straight guy stumbled into a theater showing “Momma Mia.”

Not clear on the concept
Disgraced gambling NBA ref Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fixing games. But I still don’t think Donaghy gets it, today he offered 4-1 odds on a grand that he will be out in six months on good behavior. (While I told this joke, Brett Favre retired and un-retired again)

Since you asked:

Honestly, why do old folks suddenly decide to take their power walk in the middle of the road? And not only do they wander in the road, but they also cut real nasty looks to any driver who has the audacity to pass anywhere near them.

Hey, Grandpa, if you don’t like it that we have to drive close to you so as not to hit a car going the other direction, here’s a tip: stay the F out of the road. God made sidewalks, use them.

I’ve said this before, and it is not just an old dude thing, the same inconsiderate, annoying A-holes, young or old, who hang the long-slow-diagonal-parking-lot-walk in front of your car are the same a-holes who are just dying to cut a dirty look to anyone who finally passes them.

In a move my friends like to call “Lex out making friends” I was driving by this old guy in a Vons parking lot – not even within ten feet of the guy – and he cut me the classic sour old-geezer “Hey, what the heck?” hairy eyeball for, in his mind, passing too close. I stopped my car next to him, rolled down the window and as nicely and sincerely as I could, I said;

“Wow, Sir, that evil glare you just gave me really worked. I am going right home and giving myself a stern talking to. I will never drive by a person in a parking lot again. Thanks you so much for straightening me out.”

As I drove off, I looked in the rear mirror and saw the old guy flipping me off.

And that's how we play "Lex Out Making Friends" Slats and Gets.

(Polite applause)

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This just in:

We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much Lindsay Lohan fell off of her girlfriend.

We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much it knocked over the video recorder during Paris Hilton’s last sex tape.

We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much there were small cracks in Cher’s forehead.

Disgraced gambling NBA ref Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fixing games. But I still don’t think Donaghy gets it, today he offered 4-1 odds that he will be out in six months on good behavior.

Brett Favre has sent the NFL a letter of reinstatement. And if the letter of reinstatement to the NFL works, the Oakland Raiders should try it.
Trap it, slap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers,

Guy Ritchie said his marriage to Madonna is fine. Yeah, fine until he steps up to the plate and tries to swing his bat after Alex Rodriguez. Talk about batting in the hole.

Erotic web boutiques now have female blow up dolls that are named after and look like celebrities. The Amy Winehouse doll comes complete with an animal trainer to tame that thing on her head.

Bennigan’s is closing down due to bankruptcy; the problems stem from skyrocketing food prices and the fact that it stopped being 1978 thirty years ago.

Bennigan’s is closing down due to bankruptcy; apparently there has been a shortage of middle-aged alcoholic divorcees addicted to buffalo wings and onion rings.

Bennigan’s is closing down due to bankruptcy; I haven’t heard news this upsetting since the Little River Band broke up.

According to an MNBC article, in tough economic times, humor in the workplace is vital. Humor is especially missed and needed if your work place happens to be a prime time NBC sitcom.

Bennigan’s is closing down due to bankruptcy; does that mean I should finally throw away my pucca shell neckless, earth shoes and elephant bellbottom polyester pants?

Since you asked:
As I did with “Clapton”, read the Eagles tell-all book “Heaven and Hell” by lead guitarist Don Felder in practically one sitting. As with Clapton, Felder is more than aware and appreciative he won the rock-dreams-come-true lottery, but there is a lot of complaining about how hard it is to be a rich and famous guitar god. Probably because they’ve never had a real job to compare it to.

And as with Clapton, it seems that they go from starving musicians to chartered jets and limos overnight and they both speak far more affectionately about the days of being a starving musician.

There are telling lines of lyrics about being a rock star and longing for the straight life not taken. This from Traffic’s “Dear Mr. Fantasy.”

Please don't be sad, if it was a straight life you had
We wouldn't have known you all these years

And of course Henley’s famous lament on “After the Thrill is Gone”

What do you do when your dreams come true
And it’s not quite like you planned?”

It seems that Clapton and the Eagles worked way too hard at making things way too hard. Being a young, wealthy, famous, handsome rock idle should have been a whole lot more fun than it seemed to be, and that is including the countless one hour flings with beautiful women and the endless parties. For the Eagles, doing drugs became a side full time job that they didn’t seem to like all that much. Or at least claimed to not like when being interviewed.

When the 25-year-old Don Felder was called by his Gainesville buddy, Eagle banjo/guitar player Bernie Leadon, to play some slide guitar on the Eagles second album, Felder had less than $500 to his name and was renting a one-bedroom hippy cabin in Topanga Canyon with his new wife, Susan, and their dog, Kilo. He threw his amp in the back of his rusty pickup truck and drove down the hill into West Hollywood to the studio, hauled the amp inside, plugged his guitar in, took out a cut and polished Budweiser tall bottle top, slipped it on his finger and played slide guitar on “Good Day In Hell”. When he was done, he carried his amp out and left.

Like it was yesterday, I can remember being in the sunny and cozy leafy Chicago suburb Winnetka living room of my best pal Woody, listening to Felder's incredible stinging slide guitar licks and studying the “On the Border” album cover and wondering out loud, who is this Don Felder guy? Man, he must have it made, huh? Playing guitar for the Eagles? What a life. Tons of dough, limos, endless babes, private planes and luxury hotels, sports cars and Malibu beachfront houses and wild parties.

It turns out Felder didn’t have any of those things just then. He exchanged them a couple years later for his marriage, happiness and well-being.

In addition to his life-changing meeting with the very nice Bernie Leadon, while a youngster in Gainesville, Felder paid for a guitar by giving guitar lessons in the music store. He hated the brats he had to teach except for one young, bucktoothed star pupil named Tom Petty.

A while later he watched a band from Daytona play and loved the slide guitar. He asked the guitarist to show him how to play slide, and the guitarist was more than happy to show him. That guy was Duane Allman. As in the Allman Brothers and the D with Eric in Derrick and the Dominoes.

Now that he felt confident in his guitar playing, Felder started a band while he was in high school but they needed a rhythm guitar player who could sing, so they signed a guy named Stephen Stills.

I’m sure this is simplifying things, but it almost seems that the “BTO” "Taking Care of Business" lyrics were true, at least in West Los Angeles in 1973.

Get a second-hand guitar
Chances are you'll go far
If you get in with the right bunch of fellows

That and grow a beard or mustache and long hair, wear cowboy boots, tight, faded boot-leg jeans, a football jersey and lots and lots of turquoise jewelry and get drunk at the Troubadour on Santa Monica Blvd and then stagger next door to wolf down a plate of pasta at Dan Tana’s.

When I came out to California to see colleges in the spring of 1976, our Holliday Inn was just a few blocks east of the Troubadour and I walked by and laughed at my naiveté of thinking maybe the Eagles were in there.

Turns out they probably were.

"You can check out any time you want
But you can never leave"