Tuesday, March 11, 2008

We gonna get our ride on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Awww, that is so cute
The New York Times reported today that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is involved in a prostitution ring. Upon hearing this, an anonymous republican official replied; “A sex scandal involving a male politician with females? That is so adorable.”

An AP investigation reveals there are prescription drugs in our drinking water; the drugs are found in small trace elements put it is apparently enough to knock Paula Abdul loopy.

Do the math
Toyota’s Kyle Busch won the Kobalt Tools 500 at the Atlanta Motor Speedway; Busch won $175,575 so, after paying for 500 miles of gas at 180 mph, Busch owes them $725.

To do list
Ohio to Western New York was blanketed with up to 20 inches of snow. Residents have a lot to do: shovel their walks and driveways, plow the streets, hang and burn Al Gore in effigy.

Bye, bye birdie
Pro Golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with intentionally killing a hawk which carries a max. 14-month jail sentence. And he can kiss his PETA sponsorship bye-bye.

Helpful tip
Keith Richards appears in a print add for Louis Vuitton leather bags. In the picture, Keith is holding a guitar so you can tell him from the leather bag.

Get it over with
Did you remember to set your watch forward one hour? Now the New York Knicks can get their loss over an hour ahead of time.

To the discomfort of all, President Bush sang to journalists at the Gridiron Dinner. How did Bush sing? Let’s just say, as a singer, Bush is one hell of an orator.

Bill, please
An article in the New York Times claims insiders say the Hillary Clinton campaign is mired with catty in-fighting. And it doesn’t help that whenever two female campaign workers start arguing, Bill Clinton starts shouting; “Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!”

Why don’t they just shut up and act?
Natalie Portman said she feels the criticism aimed at Hillary Clinton is sexist; and as we all know, if there is one thing Natalie Portman is against it would be the blatantly sexist practice of accepting $20 million dollar movie roles simply because she is a sexy, pretty woman.

Since you asked:
Now that Madonna is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and there is nothing we can do to get her out of it, it is time to reflect as to which Madonna incantation was the most annoying.

See, with most really annoying celebrities, you only have to put up with one of them: there is the fat, loud, scary Rosie O’Donnell, the oily, hyper and annoying Richard Simmons, the unholy creepiness of Michael Jackson, the-proud-of-being-stupid, vain, gutter-slut Paris Hilton.

But with Madonna we got an entirely new and different and increasingly annoying celebrity about every two-and-a-half years.

The first annoying Madonna was, as we would painfully find out twenty-five years later, the least objectionable annoying Madonna. The artsy, lower East side boy-toy slut “Mickey-mouse-on –helium” voiced “Like a Virgin” disco Madonna.

In the early eighties – I know because I lived near there - you couldn’t throw a rock at an East Village apartment dumpster without it hitting four Madonnas. But, apparently, the rest of the world didn’t know that and mistakenly decided Madonna was unique. This was the “Desperately Seeking Susan” Madonna where Madonna simply played Madonna and still managed to suck at acting. It was at this early annoying Madonna I made the dreaded prediction that would turn out to be a 25-year curse:

“This Madonna-thing is not going to last.”

Please forgive me for giving us all Madonna for another 25 years.

The next Madonna was the untalented New York tough chick version of Marilyn Monroe, the incredibly annoying – but nothing compared to what she had coming in the future – “Who’s That Girl” Nikki Finn monstrosity.

This was followed by the “I am in love with Sean Penn so take me seriously” brunette Madonna. This was probably my favorite annoying Madonna.

That was then thrashed for the cone-bra, crotch-grabbing, Aryan dominatrix “Look at me, I am bi-sexual” Madonna. It was at this point that I didn’t think Madonna could ever possibly get any more annoying. Once again, my Madonna predictions are nothing if not dead wrong.

This re-model was followed by the quirkiest of all, the “I am banging everything that moves, including the NBA, and I am shaving my eyebrows to look even scarier” Madonna.

That NBA banging, no-eyebrow-scary Madonna was replaced by the embarrassingly needy, “I need to be taken seriously as an actor” “Evita” Madonna. No matter how hard she pushed – and she pushed relentlessly - Madonna would not reach her goal of ever being taken seriously as an actress for one, small, picky reason: Madonna can’t act to save her life.

The utter failure of the “Evita” Madonna foisted the “I am so spiritual I have those India dye-marks on my hands” Kabballah Madonna. So that had to be it, right? Fifteen years and about seven annoying Madonnas later, I said;

“That is it, Madonna has finally run out of ways to become more and more annoying.”

As we all know by now, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The Millennium caused the most annoying Madonna of all: the English Country Estate Dame Madonna. Madonna had a child so, as is her god-given right as a celebrity, she instantly became an expert on child-rearing and wrote childrens books, even though Madonna's Nanny did most of, if not all, of the child raising. It was then that Madonna proved that, no matter how annoying a celebrity is, no matter how much they jam their under-educated political opinions down our throat, even the most annoying celebrity can become more annoying if they affect a phony British accent. (See: Britney)

And now, we have probably the least-objectionable Madonna since the Boy Toy Slut “Mickey Mouse on helium” "Like a Virgin" singing Madonna. Madonna the mellow elder, but aging remarkably well, Madonna. Whether you like her or not – and I clearly do not – there is no arguing that this Madonna looks pretty damn good.

Proof, once again, that politicians, ugly buildings and whores get respectability with age.

So, just to keep my perfect record of false Madonna predictions, I am going to predict the next Madonna stage: Madonna’s days of re-inventing herself have always taken her naturally good and fit body for granted. As she gets older, those days are numbered, so I predict, in the future, in order to continue to be annoying, Madonna is going to have her very own Cher-like turn-into-a-scary-monster-through-abusing-Botox-lip-augmenting, face lifting until she also resembles a starving, shocked, and demented platypus on crack.

But I could be wrong. Madonna is nothing if not clever when it comes to figuring out how to be more annoying. And what is probably the surest, easiest and fastest way to become more annoying?

Madonna could become French.