We got our road dog on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
What the heck?
The new celebrities for the next “Dancing with the Stars” have been selected and they include actor Steve Guttenberg, comedian Adam Corolla and Piscilla Presley. Here’s my question: Did they even bother to look at my audition DVD?
The exact same thing
The military shot down a spy satellite that is spinning out of orbit and set to crash to earth. This thing was the size of a bus and it was full of toxic waste so they had to get rid of it before it crashed and did serious damage. It’s the same problem “The View” had with Rosie O’Donnell.
It’s just a guess
A “Sixty Minutes” report claims Denmark is the happiest place on earth. This is just a guess, but does that mean that Paris Hilton is now calling her Who-ha Denmark?
Is it just me?
John Edwards and Barack Obama got together this weekend at Edwards house in North Carolina. Is it just me or do Obama and Edwards look like the guys with laptops and crossword puzzles laughing over a cup of coffee in the Starbucks ad?
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in Wisconsin and Hawaii. It is not looking good for Hillary. Hillary hasn’t been this distraught since Bill came home from a long trip and she found his empty Viagra Pez Dispenser.
Or something like that
After being fired as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig because she gained weight, Kirstie Alley is launching her own weight loss program. You’ve heard of the Zone Diet? Kirstie’s will be the Calzone Diet.
Indy is getting up there
The latest Indiana Jones movie is opening this weekend. You can tell Indy is getting older. This one is called; “Indiana Jones and the, um, oh shoot, what’s it called again?”
Not good either
It looks bad for Hillary Clinton; to give you an idea how bad, right now her best hope against Barack Obama is if they connect Barack’s DNA to an intern’s stained blue dress.
Ssstop it, you sssavages
Did you see that embarrassing moment during Roger Clemens’s congressional testimony? They kept referring to the repeated injections into Roger’s buttocks, and Idaho Senator Larry Craig blurted out; “OK, stop it, now you are just teasing me to death, you big sillies.”Since you asked:
With his smiling pretty wife, Cindy, by his side, John McCain denied that he had an affair with a female lobbyist. Hell, even if it is true, after Mark Foley and Larry Craig, most Republican would be glad one of their guys is having an affair with a woman for a change.
Whether or not John McCain had an affair with a female lobbyist or not really doesn’t matter. Politics isn’t about the truth, politics is about perception. If McCain’s wife is willing to stand there and smile over an alleged affair by her husband, than we should let it go.
We live in such a prudish country that Dallas Cowboy fans actually got upset that their quarterback Tony Romo had a fling in a Mexican resort with Jessica Simpson. Would you want your football team to have a quarterback who would turn down an exotic fling with Jessica Simpson? Romo’s crime was getting caught on film, not having sex with Jessica Simpson. And, let's face it, if having sex with Jessica Simpson was a crime, most guys would gladly go to jail.
We honestly do not care if a top elected official has sex with someone other than their wife; what we really care about is that they aren’t clever enough to keep from getting caught.
This trend of Washington prudishness with the public and the press can all be blamed on that pathetic John F. Kennedy wannabe, Gary Hart. While Hart was running for president in 1984, the press knew he was openly running around with Hollywood B-list bimbos long before he was photographed on a boat called the Monkey Business with Donna Rice on his lap. What Hart did wrong was to openly and stupidly challenge the press to prove he was fooling around.
From that time on, the gloves have been off between the press and politicians.
Nobody knows that politics is about perception more than the Clintons. It has been widely known in inner circles that these two haven’t been living as a real married couple, i.e., having sex, since Bill was the governor of Arkansas. What upset Hillary is that Bill’s errant shot at Monica upset the perception of their being married.
Deep down, do we really want our top elected officials turning down one of the best side benefits of office: having sex with star-struck groupies? The fear of the wrath of the religious right over sexual trysts is how we end up with older allegedly married guys chasing male pages around and soliciting sex in airport bathrooms like Foley and Craig.
If some elected official is gay, fine, their sex life is their business. But when some old creep runs on the coattails of the religious right, family values and is pro-life, but they are secretly running around tapping younger guy tail, that is a serious credibility and hypocrisy problem. Let’s be candid, it is also more than a little disgusting.
So if John McCain had an affair, who cares? Last I heard they were still making more Viagra.Ya gotta make this here:No kidding around, I do not want to say that you haven’t lived until you’ve made my Lex’s Chili Cheese dogs with onions and pickles, but, well, you haven’t lived if you haven’t made my Lex’s Chili Cheese dogs with onions and pickles.
Not to get all “24” Jack Bauer on your narrow tookuses, Slats and Nugs, but if you do not follow my instructions exactly, lives will be lost. Here is what you need to get:
Hebrew National Jumbo Beef Franks
Sara Lee’s Sandwich Rolls, Country French style (Spare me the French jokes, people)
*Bush’s Homestyle Chili in a jar, no beans.
Shredded Cheddar Cheese
One yellow/sweet onion
Bubbies Bread & Butter Chips pickles
(*Yes, I would prefer my Lexter’s Drexel chili, but that takes over four hours to get the stuff and make and this Bush’s Homestyle no beans in a jar is as close as you can get)
Turn on your gas grill and your oven to 400 degrees.
(Also turn on the outdoor speakers with your iPod playlist labeled Grilling that has Brother Cane’s “Got No Shame” Stones “Tumblin’ Dice” EC’s “Cocaine” Led’s “What is And Shall Never Be” Dobey Gray’s “Drift Away” Shawn Colvin’s – or if you prefer, Gnarls Barkley’s - “Crazy” Bill Whithers “Ain’t No Sunshine” Jackson’s “Call it a Loan” and Emily Lou’s “Pancho and Lefty” and of course, the E-Guys “Seven Bridges Road.”
Finely dice the onion. Put the chili in a pan and add a splash of beer and warm it up. (You need to do this because it is so good and thick) Now drink the rest of the beer. You’ve earned it, bitch.
Slice one of the Hebrew dogs almost all the way through and butterfly it open. Slice one hot dog all the way through. (You need one and a half hot dogs, one isn’t enough, two is too many) The gas grill is perfect to give just enough smoked flavor.
Grill the hot dogs on the sliced side down for just over two minutes on one side two and a half on the other skin side. If the grill is hot this is enough to cook it and give it grill marks without it curling up on you like some freakish, well, other thing that looks like a hot dog but that is curled and bent.
Place the one and a half hot dogs in the bun, liberally spoon on the chili. Liberally sprinkle on the cheddar cheese. Pop it in the oven on a cookie pan for not very long. Until the cheese melts and the bread gets light brown and slightly toasty. Take it out put the pickles in the bun and liberally sprinkle the diced onions. Open a cold beer. Turn on a good game.
And Bob is your frickin’can-I-get-hey-now-one-time, righteous mother fizzy Uncle.
(Polite applause building to thunderous ovation)