Friday, January 18, 2008

This just in:
After just two weeks, Eddie Murphy’s marriage broke up; apparently his new wife didn’t like it when Eddie asked her to dress like a guy dressed as a girl and stand on Santa Monica Blvd while he drove by and picked her up.

Mount Saint Helen rumbled again. It was scary, it emitted noxious gases, it thundered out a loud noise, it frightened everybody half to death . . . no, wait, I’m sorry, that was Rosie O’Donnell commenting about Britney Spears.

The stock market went into the tank this week. A lot of experts are blaming its poor showing on the fact the market spent a weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson.
We stompin’, rompin’ and chompin’ with ol' Foxhole Woody, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s come to this
It’s looking more likely the Academy Awards may be cancelled due to the writer’s strike. So I guess we are going to finally see what it’s like when the earth spins off of its axis.

Gone to the dogs
Iditarod officials say global warming will drastically effect this year’s dog races. In fact, it is so much warmer in Alaska, the early favorite is a team of Mexican Chihuahuas.

More dogs
A list came out of the top ten most popular dog breeds. Do you know what is the most popular? Labrador retriever. Do want to know the least popular dog breed? A Cocker Spaniel and a Tiny St. Bernard mix. What? It’s called a St. Spaniel. Just kidding, it’s called a Tiny Cock.

The least popular breed is a combination of a Cocker Spaniel and a Labradoodle. It’s called a Cockadoodle.

I can’t imagine
After OJ Simpson was released from the Las Vegas jail he returned home to Miami and his girlfriend threw him a surprise “Welcome Home” party complete with a cake. OJ, booze, a knife and a defenseless blonde. Gosh, what could go wrong?

Good plan
Hillary Clinton choked up on camera and promptly won the New Hampshire election; For the next election Hillary is planning to have a full blown Terrell Owens quivering snivel-fest.

Aww, that’s nice
In an interview, Omar bin Laden, Osama’s son, says he wants peace between Muslims and the West. But Father and son are very close. Every year at the al Qaeda company picnic they won the Father and Son three-legged Jihad.

Works for him. Well, no, it doesn’t
On HBO’s “Inside the NFL” revealed Donald Trump was in New England Patriots owner Tom Kraft box during their 31-20 win over Jacksonville. Trump was there because Kraft is considering building a roof over the stadium but Trump wants him just to comb-over the existing stadium.

I’ve said it before, I will say it again
In health news, the website TMZ claims insiders say Britney Spears suffering from multiple personality disorder. It may be true, her latest single is titled “Oops I Did It Again And So Did I.”

You want to know what is really sad? All of Britney's personalities are stupid.

Top Ten Things It Would Be Cool To Hear Sean Connery Say:

Suffering succotash

Where is my coin, groin?

Sizzlers Steak House

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

“The Pike Amusement Park In Long Beach, CA. Wanna show your gal you like her? Take her to Long Beach and Pike her.”

Rub some funk on it, road dog.


I got to get me some of that Budungadunk.

“Arrrrrrr Ewwwww, Werewolves of London”.

Huckabee and Hoobastank

Since you asked:
So what, you ask, are Lex’s playoff picks? Well, before I pick them, let me say that I am going to throw my famously brine marinated baby back ribs in the oven and then head out and stand up paddle board for a couple hours. Come back, fire up the Barbeque, finish those bad boys off on the grill and serve them with ranch-style beans and cornbread.

As for the game, eww, man, I just think the Chargers have had a great run but that run is over. Too many injuries and the P-Riots are too good. Yes, I hope I am as wrong as I was last week because I want to see a good game, but I am afraid I am not. The Chargers will, I hope and predict, cover the now 13 point spread. But not by much.

And the Packers’ Favre love continues to flow. Got no love for the G’ints at this juncture.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Who does that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Of this we can be sure
A Florida woman has issued a restraining order against New England Patriot receiver Randy Moss over an incident that occurred on the sixth of January. We are not sure what happened, but we can assume that Moss did not attempt to block or tackle the woman.

Psycho Cheesehead you don't want in your foxhole
In Wisconsin, a man taped his 7-year-old son to a chair for an hour because he refused to wear a Green Bay Packer jersey during the game against the Seattle Seahawks. Apparently the incident began when the boy insisted on pronouncing the Packer’s QB name correctly as Brett Fav-rah.

Fits him to a T
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo was spotted wearing a new t-shirt. It said in big letters on the front: “I slept with Jessica Simpson and Lost the Game”. Then on the back it says “Ask me if I would do it again.”

That explains it
On this date, January 17th a devastating 6.7 earthquake hit Northridge, California. In fact, we thought there was an earthquake in Los Angeles today, it turns out it was just “American Idol’s” Ruben Stoddard being dropped from his record contract.

Too bad
Cowboy fans are blaming Dallas’ 21-17 loss to the New York Giants on Tony Romo’s Mexican vacation with Jessica Simpson. Apparently Jessica mentally damaged Romo when they got undressed and Jessica disappointedly pointed and cried; “But I thought you were a number nine?”

All the way gay
There is a celebrity impersonator named Eddie Edwards, a guy, who specializes in impersonating Cher and Barbra Streisand. That’s even too gay for Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He’ll pick up dudes in airport bathrooms but watch a guy impersonate Barbara and Cher? Way too gay.

My List
The “Bucket List” is number one at the box office. Here are some of the things that are on my bucket list:

Walk up to Paris Hilton at a crowded Hollywood restaurant and say;

"Not tonight, Paris, my Hazmat suit is in the cleaners."

Be waiting outside of the posh minimum security prison when Michael Vick is released, smear him with liver and then sick a rabid Rottweiler on him.

Try out for “American Idol.” Not to win, so I can call Simon Cowell a snotty little bitch in person.

Inject truth serum into Roger Clemens’s ass and record what he says when I ask if he used steroids.

Ask diminutive elf Dennis Kucinich’s hot, young, tall wife; “No, seriously, what’s the deal here?”

Get arrested shoplifting in Las Vegas, go to jail and then shiv O.J. Simpson in the yard.

Go to Paris and ask diminutive elf President Nicolas Sarkozy’s girlfriend singer/model Carla Bruni; “No, seriously, what’s the deal here?”

A, go to Pamplona during the running of the bulls, B, see all the brave people who run with the bulls, C, heckle the living crap out of those drunken idiots.

Walk up to President Bush, shake his hand and then say “For the love of decency, nuclear is pronounced New-klee-er.”

Gallop a mustang through a canyon and shoot off a Winchester rifle at a rattlesnake and hear the sound of the echoing zing. (That really is on my bucket list)

Go up to Britney Spears, put my arm around her and softly whisper; “Girl, go get some drawers on you.”

Ask Tom Cruise’s wife, Katie Holmes; “No, seriously, what’s the deal here?”

World’s stupidest joke

"Knock, knock."

"Who’s there?"

"Interrupting pirate."

"Interrupting pir. . ."


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

This here just in like original sin:

Scientists in Uruguay have found the fossil remains of a 2,000 pound rat. Experts are baffled as to why the rat would have wondered so far from its natural habitat: the New York Subway.
Rolling wit da road doggies, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Simon Scowl
“American Idol” debuted last night. Simon Cowell was grumpier than ever. He was so grumpy he made New England Patriot coach Bill Belichick seem like Richard Simmons.

At one point, Cowell shouted to a contestant; “You punk get off my lawn.”

Serious, at one point it looked like one of the “AI” production assistants would have to change Simon’s poopy diaper.

“American Idol” debuted last night and I think I understand what the problem is. Apparently many of the contestants mistook this audition with “Last Comic Standing” because they were hysterical.

Go Bolts, but P-Riots will win
The New England Patriots are big favorites over the San Diego Chargers for the AFC Championship. In fact, the only chance the Chargers have is if before the game, Tom Brady goes on vacation with Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.

Cowboy fans are blaming Dallas’ 21-17 loss to the New York Giants on Tony Romo’s Mexican vacation with Jessica Simpson. Apparently Jessica mentally damaged Romo when they got undressed and Jessica disappointedly pointed and cried; “But I thought you were a nine?”

Crazy Tom
In a tape speaking of his belief in Scientology, Tom Cruise said people are either on board or they’re not. That’s funny because I feel that the movie stars I will go watch are either on board, or they’re anyone but Tom Cruise.

In my opinion
With Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama leading the democratic race, the question has been asked which is worse, racism or sexism? Racism is worse. You can’t have a night of really wild race.

Coming soon
Oprah is opening her own network. This is soon to be followed by Oprah opening her own country, closely followed by planet Oprah and Galaxy Oprah.

Since you asked:
You know how Ferris Bueller was Hollywood’s version of what a really cool suburban Chicago high school student is like, but he was just a little too, well, gay? Vince Vaughn really is how a cool suburban Chicago area high school kid was because he was one.

Why is it some Hollywood stars seem to be doing it so cool and right and others just can’t do anything without f-ing it up, like Britney, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise?

Vince Vaughn is in the Matthew McConaughey school of enjoying his celebrity without screwing up, without the McConaughey rumors of naked-bongos-with-a-dude and incredibly bad body odor.

Even if he is a serial Sch-talker and nuttier than a sewage-plant rat, Matt, or McConk, as I would nickname him, would be a fun hang to go stand up paddle boarding and have a Maggie and some Mexican afterwards. And can you imagine hanging with Vince in Vegas? That would be so, so, well, money.

Speaking of “American Idol” man, do I have an early favorite. That ridiculously young but hot little Oregon philly Katie Lynn something. Wow. Not that I would call myself a country fan, but she was something. She just oozed sexy star power.

Mark my words, unless it turns out she used to turn tricks for the Taliban, sponsored one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls or some other equally heinous scandal, I don’t see anyone beating her. I don’t see any of the past winners beating her neitherwise when it comes to it.

P.S. The Road Doggies is my new rock, blues, honky tonk bar band. We will be appearing at the San Marcos Pass Bar and Grill nestled up in the Santa Barbara mountains.
We do a mean version of "Seven Bridges Road" "Angel From Montgomery" "Perfectly Good Guitar" and the Cocker version of "Unchain My Heart" and, needless to say, "Honky Tonk Woman" with Oregon Philly Katie Lynn singing along.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

It’s time to take this one to the rack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cowboy fans are blaming Dallas’ 21-17 loss to the New York Giants on Tony Romo’s much-photographed Mexican vacation with his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. Come on, the only way Jessica could ruin a game for the Cowboys is if she was in charge of adding up their points.

That is silly. Jessica Simpson cannot be blamed for the failure of the Dallas Cowboys, the failure of the movie “The Dukes of Hazard” maybe, but the Dallas Cowboys loss, no.

Apparently their affair was so steamy, Romo was too chafed to wear a cup.

Blaming the Cowboy loss on Jessica Simpson is like blaming global warming on Al Gore’s flatulence.

Seriously, would anyone really want someone as their team’s quarterback who would turn down a romantic resort getaway with Jessica Simpson?

It’s about time
General Motors is developing a driverless car. It comes with a remote controlled middle finger.

Finally some good news for Lindsay Lohan.

General Motors is developing a driverless car. Their slogan is “It’s like being in a taxicab without all the body odor.”

We’ve had driverless cars for years. They’re called the Ford Taurus. Nobody can drive those pieces of crap.

Yeah, the New York taxicab model even comes with fragrance dispenser that emits human body odor.

How cold was it?
The New England area was hit with a strong winter storm. In fact, it was so cold, Patriot QB Tom Brady cuddled up with a super model just to get warm.

It has been cold around the country this winter. In fact, it was so cold in Texas, Roger Clemens injected anti-freeze into his ass.

Quite a feat
Paris Hilton was chosen least likable female celebrity. That is quite a feat for Paris considering the field includes Omarosa, Heather Mills and Rosie O’Donnell.

Since you asked:
As for my playoff predictions, one out of four isn’t, well, it isn’t good, but it’s not really not bad either. OK, it sucks. But, to my credit, I did expect the Giants and the Chargers to cover and they did, I just didn’t think they would get all silly and go win. The weather was a big advantage for the Packers but I am glad they won even though I picked the Seahawks. And the Patriots are even scarier than I thought.