We up and want somebody’s tookus in our totebag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh oh
John McCain snapped at reporters over questions about immigration and Sarah Palin’s $150,000 shopping spree. Uh oh. You know what this means? Somebody needs their nap.

Is it just me or does John McCain and Sarah Palin look like the trophy wife couple at the fundraising gala getting their picture taken with the M.C., local weatherman Skip Michaels?

I like them
I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of the bank branch manager who smiles when she informs you she won’t take your third party check. ‘Ohhh, I’m sooooo sooorrry.”

I like Joe Biden. He reminds me of the guy you play golf with who tells you “You’re problem is you’re standing too close to the ball . . . after you hit it.” And still cracks up every time.

I like Barack Obama. I’m not positive, but I could swear, many years ago, I bought some magazine subscriptions from him so he could run for student body president.

I like Joe Biden. He looks like the kind of guy who will swear he can tell the difference between a six-year-old Scotch and a 12-year-old Scotch.

I like Joe Biden. He looks like the kind of guy who knows where you can get a really good steak.

I like Barack Obama. He looks like the guy at the company picnic who plays really hard with all of the kids.

I like Hillary Clinton. She reminds me of the assistant field hockey coach who is desperately trying to put on a good face about being passed over for the job of head field hockey coach.

How come?
The big thing in fiction is vampire romance stories. Here’s my question: if we love mindless evil bloodsuckers so much why do we still hate lawyers, politicians and Wall Street executives?

Oh yeah?
Madonna’s divorce with Guy Ritchie is getting ugly; insiders say Ritchie has been turned off by how masculine Madonna has turned over the years. When asked to comment about becoming more masculine, a furious Madonna said that Guy Ritchie could kiss her huge testicles.

La Loser
Lindsay Lohan has had her episodes on “Ugly Betty” cut by two because of problems on the set. A spokesperson for Lohan denied any problems and said Lindsay was happy to have more time to work on her book “How To Destroy A Movie Star’s Career For Dummies.”

Let’s do another episode of

“And politicians actually wonder why we think they’re morons?”

Nobody in the history of human politics has ever had their opinion swayed by listening to a pre-recorded political pitch on the phone. Nobody.

But let’s suppose there was somebody, one person, who was so weak-minded, so empty-headed, so blissfully clueless that they were waiting by the phone for a politician’s recorded message to help them decide how to vote; they wouldn’t be stupid enough to wait the unendurable amount of time it takes for the message to play.

And that’s how we play;

“And politicians actually wonder why we think they’re morons?”