We up and J-Dawgin’ this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Sometimes booze alone just does not explain it
A drunk man in England was arrested for having sex with the front of his truck; the bad news is he went to jail, the good news is he discovered his truck was a quart low on oil.

Speeding it up
Police in California are searching for a Taco Bell employee who stabbed two customers; apparently he got bored of killing customers slowly by serving them Taco Bell food.

How hot is it?
Man it is hot. I’m sweatin’ like a stock broker calling his clients.

Please, we are begging you
In Nebraska police are looking for a guy who smears Vaseline over his rear end and presses it against store windows. For the love of decency, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, get some help.

Not the same
It doesn’t seem the OJ Simpson defense team is as good as his old one. Remember Johnny Cochran’s “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit?” All they have is; “Give OJ back his memorabilia or he’ll make you bleed like you got hemophilia.”

Yikes
On the “Today” show, Kathy Lee Gifford had her makeup removed on air; “Today” show viewers described it as eerily similar to Katie Couric’s colonoscopy.

High falootin’
The stock market roared back over 400 points last week. When asked if this market ascension was an affirmation of the Fed’s projected restorative financial program or just compensatory short-term gain-taking, President Bush said; “Them big words has got my head a hurtin’.”

Easy to spot
In Nebraska police are looking for a guy who smears Vaseline over his rear end and presses it against store windows. Police described the culprit as male, about five six and most probably the only gay man in the state of Nebraska.

Authorities want to charge him with vandalism, and NBC wants him to create a prime time sitcom.