Wednesday, January 30, 2008

We gonna role old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One buck Joe
Starbucks is now offering a one dollar cup of coffee. So now Starbucks coffee is available in sizes, biggest to smallest: Vente, Grande, Tall, Short and now the new one dollar El Thimble.


Which was more painful, the dog or these jokes?
A man in Kentucky, a huge Kentucky Wildcat hoops fan, had four of his toes chewed off by his pit bull puppy. It made him hopping mad.

The man got the last laugh, though. The pit bull has a raging case of athlete’s tongue.

When asked why he ate four of his owner’s toes, the pit bull replied; “An owner that good you don’t eat all at once.”

When asked why his dog ate his toes, the owner had to admit that he was stumped.

It was horrible, some of the toes were scattered on the floor. They had to call an ambulance and a toe truck. (Gaahhd maaaaahhhning, everybody)

How to deal with bullies
A study reveals that kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder are ten times more likely to be bullies. So, kids, if a bully wants to start a fight, start reading him the Marquees of Queensbury Rules of Boxing and he’ll become bored and wander off.

Or

So kids, if a bully starts picking on you, just start doing a long division problem, it will scare him right off.


Not good
Jessica Simpson has been linked with Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leineart and Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo. In fact, Jessica has nailed more quarterbacks than the entire Oakland Raiders defensive line.

Hate to see such profiling
Yesterday was media day at the Super Bowl in Phoenix. It was a little awkward, they were going to throw out a middle eastern-looking guy due to suspicion of terrorism until they found out it was just Bill Belichick in his hood.

Be careful out there
Lindsay Lohan was seen knocking back a few vodkas at a bar. Just when we thought it was OK to drive around again.

www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/

I am the #2 on the Top Ten Contest

And:

www.sfgate.com/matierandross/

I won the caption contest

Hey, what can I say? You have to warm up the comedy muscle somehow.