Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Alabama football coach Nick Saban compared their football loss to the December 7th attack on Pearl Harbor and the terrorist attacks of September 11th; I don’t know about that, but the last Miami Dolphin loss reminded me of April Fools day.

OJ Simpson is trying to get Fidel Castro to let him extradite to Cuba; “OJ’s acting so weird now he needs help from the beard.”

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

This just in:

In health news, two research groups have found different genetic recipes to give ordinary skin cells the power to turn into virtually any kind of human tissue, just as embryonic stem cells do. Or as President Bush refers to this, “Blah, blah, banana, banana, yadda yadda them fancy-nancy words.”
Put the fizzy on the hizzy and go and get yourself busy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


This is a cute story. Today, legendary singer Neil Diamond revealed that the hit song “Sweet Caroline” was named for Caroline Kennedy. In a not-so-cute story, the English band The Prodigy revealed that their song “Smack My Bitch Up” was inspired by Hillary Clinton.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush today called Russian President Putin in Russia to plan the upcoming US-hosted Middle East peace conference and US missile defense plans; there was an awkward moment when Bush asked Putin what his plans were for Thanksgiving.

Very first time
An Iowa poll shows Hillary Clinton in a three way tie with Barack Obama and John Edwards; this marks the first time in history the words Hillary Clinton have been used with three way.

Good news
Free agent Alex Rodriguez won his third American League MVP award and is heading back to the New York Yankees. This is great news for Yankee fans and New York area strip clubs.

We like and kid the Seth Rogan
Seth Rogan and Anderson Cooper were featured in “People” magazine’s world’s sexiest men issue; so apparently “People’s” definition of the world sexiest men includes guys who can’t get lucky with women even though they are famous and rich.

Talkin’ turkey
President Bush pardoned two turkeys at the White House. But enough about the Miami Dolphins and the Oakland Raiders . . .

Here is a quaint tradition here at aLbB we like to call :

Lex’s Happy Holiday Hints

The holiday season officially begins on Thanksgiving and, while it is a fun and festive time, it can be stressful with friends and or family. Here are some helpful tips on how to make it through the holidays a little less stressfully.

Even if the turkey is a little dry, ease up on the “Thanks for the Turkey Jerky, bitch.” cracks.

Don’t let Uncle Louie have too many cocktails and pull his annual tampon-in-the- cranberry-sauce joke.

Always think before you speak. For example, if you want a drink, just say to your host, “Gosh, I am a little parched, could I have an adult beverage?” Don’t say “Jesus H, Mary and Joseph, who the hell do I have to frickin’ bl*w to get a damn cocktail?”

When in doubt, talk about football. Nobody gets in an argument when you talk about football. Unless of course it is my crazy cousin, Dwayne, who is a die-hard Oakland Raider fan. If there is one thing Oakland Raider fans have in common, besides infected tattoos, it is that they can’t take a joke about what a lousy joke their slimy, sleazy, crappy football team has become, and, I swear-to-god, Dwayne, if you throw another beer bottle at me, I will get in the car and ride over that pile of crap you call a Harley.

Start a sweet tradition, like passing a little silver bell, everyone takes turns ringing it and then they say what they are thankful for. Stop the tradition of everyone passing gas and everyone else slugging them for it.

When your guests start to have a little too much to drink, make sure they don’t take off their shirts. If the show “Cops” has taught us anything, it is most ugly domestic disputes occur with guys who are not wearing shirts.

Play festive music like Nat King Cole’s Christmas album . Do not play Master P’s “Do you Think” which features the lyrics; "If you don't bring back my m****f*****n money or my m***f****n dope, you can forget about Christmas n***a, cause you ain't gon even see New Years."

And last, whether it turned out or not, your host put a lot of effort into cooking the big dinner. Thank her graciously and try not repeat any of what you said last year when you asked her if you could borrow a time machine so you could go back and keep her parents from ever mating so nobody has to experience anything as awful as this meal ever again.

Hope these little happy holiday hints help harvest a hearty and healthy Turkey Day. Have a Happy and Merry Thanksgiving, Slats and Nugs.

(Polite applause)

Here at a Little bit Bad Productions, we have opened a new division that specializes in corporate mottos. Believe it or not, there is huge bucks to be earned in coming up with corporate mottos, like Ford, Quality is job one. Some just have two word, like Army came up with millions for the name Army Strong.

Well, needless to say, what with the writers strike and all, we could use some of that coin. The problem? No matter how great a motto or slogan we cook up, the company has to OK them and, frankly, we have not had much luck. Maybe you can tell us why.

Here are some of the corporate mottos we came up with, but the company turned them down.

Taco Bell: 50% less rats, 30% less diarrhea.

Blockbuster Video: We don’t just hate you, the customer, we are also stupid and lazy.

Red Robin: Come see waiters sing annoying birthday songs as their dreams, hopes and pride vanish before your eyes.

Starbucks: Yes, we know we are annoyingly snotty, but, after all, so are our customers.

The Miami Dolphins: Taking futility to the next level.

Olive Garden: You didn’t really buy that crap about Italians eating here, did you?

Dominoes: In thirty minutes you too can learn that even pizza can be bad.

Cinnabon: If you’ve had more than one, you’re white trash.

Subway: Yes, we know the beef is gray. We just don’t care.

KFC: Like anyone who eats out of a bucket cares what they eat.

McDonalds: Your food will be tasty even though it is made by folks who can’t get a job anywhere else.

Rite Aid: Yes, we think it feels like the DMV too, but there are a lot of us.

Sunday Night Football: If you drink everytime Madden says Favre, you'll be lit by halftime.

Radio Shack: We may look like computer geeks, but we don’t actually know crap.

Jamba Juice: No, the shakes don’t make us feel bloated, but that’s because we’re mindless robots.

Tums: Your stomach is just the first in a long line of body parts that will soon give out on you. Get used to it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The face of the 3,000-year-old mummified King Tut was revealed to the public for the first time. Apropos of nothing, I suddenly can’t help but wonder what Joan Rivers is up to?
We Z-Listers are all bunched at these C-Listers

Not the A-List

“Celebrity Apprentice” announced their contestants and it includes Tiffany Fallon, Piers Morgan and an ultimate fighter named Tito Ortiz. You know a celebrity show is in trouble when Bruce Jenner would be the biggest celebrity.

“Celebrity Apprentice” announced their contestants and it includes Playmate Tiffany Fallon, “Americas Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan and an ultimate fighter named Tito Ortiz. So apparently the Celebrity Apprentices” aren’t going to be apprentices either.

“Celebrity Apprentice” announced their contestants and it includes Gene Simmons of Kiss. Is Gene Simmons still considered a celebrity? Maybe his tongue, but not him.

“Celebrity Apprentice” announced their contestants and it includes Omarosa. As a result, truth in advertising may change the shows name from “Celebrity Apprentice” to “Insane Failed Former Apprentice.”

“Celebrity Apprentice” announced their contestants and it includes Gene Simmons of Kiss. And who doesn’t want to see a creepy, 58-year-old washed-out 70’s pop star wiggle his over-sized tongue?

Free agent Alex Rodriguez won his third American League MVP award and is heading back to the New York Yankees. This is good news for Yankee fans and great news for all New York strip clubs.

“Celebrity Apprentice” contestants includes Playmate Tiffany Fallon, “Americas Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan and an ultimate fighter named Tito Ortiz. Something tells me this show is in trouble when all the celebrities combined aren’t as famous as Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

Nicole Richey, Lindsay Lohan each spent 84 minutes in jail for drunk driving charges, Mike Tyson was sentenced to one day in jail for possession of cocaine and drunk driving. Let this be a lesson to everyone, if you are stupid enough to drug, drink and drive, you will do a lot of time in jail, unless, of course, you can somehow become a celebrity not named Paris Hilton.