Saturday, August 18, 2007

We rockin it righteous right up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Midge's big four nine
Happy 49th birthday to Madonna last Thursday. Anyone who has seen her dance-filled show knows Madonna doesn’t act her age. Of course, anyone who has ever seen Madonna’s movies knows Madonna doesn’t act anything.

Not good
Former two-time All Star, Jose Offerman, was arrested for assault after attacking a minor league pitcher and catcher with a bat. This sets a tricky precedent of intervening law with sports. Now the Kansas City Royals could be arrested for fraud and impersonating a pro baseball team.

Bad investment
David Beckham scored and had an assist in the LA Galaxy’s 2-0 win over DC United, but in front of only 12,000 fans in Carson, CA. If this keeps up, the $250 mil Beckham could prove to be the worst investment in sports since the Atlanta Falcons launched a Michael Vick doggie sweater.

Michael Vick is considering a plea bargain in his federal dog fighting case that would include at least a year of prison. Prison will be rough on a convicted dog killer. At least Vick doesn’t have to wonder what his prison name will be, that is going to be Vicky.

Fierce beasts
The Illinois Gay Rodeo Association is hosting the Windy City gay rodeo on August 25, 26th. How can cowboys be gay? They wear big wide brimmed hats, scarves, snap button shirts, skin tight blue jeans and boots and they walk bow legged? Oh, yeah. Now I get it.

The gay rodeo is the only rodeo where the horse and rider rock paper scissors who gets to be on top.

In the gay rodeo, the event bareback bronc riding is called Brokeback Mounting.

In the gay rodeo the riders hang on until they hear the tinkerbell.

At the gay rodeo the concession stands sell Tofu Jerky

At the gay rodeo the rodeo clowns look suspiciously like Richard Simmons.

At the gay rodeo one of the events is to see how can ride the saddle horn the longest.

At the gay rodeo instead of Yippie-kie-yay, they say “That Skippy Guy’s Gay.”

A Frenchman, Anselme Cote, is building the world’s fastest moving sidewalk capable of up to seven-miles-an-hour; it started as a French military project to develop a faster way to retreat.

After a year, Italy’s Marco Materazzi admitted what he said to France’s Zinedine Zidane to cause Zidane’s World Cup final head-butt ejection. In response to Zidane’s offer of his jersey, Materazzi said; “I prefer your whore sister.” Yeah. The spat continued after the game when Zidane’s sister hit Materazzi with a huge bag of coins.

Since you asked:

It is official, Slats and Nugsters, I am hooked. You can call me a Stand Up Paddleboarding fool, I don’t mind.

Yesterday morning at 6:30 am in La Jolla Shores, thanks to borrowing a board from Mitch of Mitch’s Surf Shop of La Jolla, I rode my first board-only wave (Have done it many, many times but on a windsurfer and holding a sail doesn’t officially count) as the sunrise burst over Mount Soledad. It was amazing. In fact, it bordered on a religious experience.

The water was clear as vodka and glassy with entertaining and well-shaped one to two-foot rollers. My first time I paddled out I went more than half-way to the La Jolla Cove across the way. When the seagulls hovered I did have one creepy flashback to “Jaws” but that was the only negative. That and I lost my Ironman watch after getting munched in the breaker. Oh, well. It was more than worth it.

In fact, my next spec piece is a humorous "How to" piece on Stand Up Paddleboarding. It will ask the question: what happens when a big, strong, forty (cough) something stand-up comedian collides with the fast growing sport of stand up paddleboarding? The answer is sure to be funny whether he wants it to be or not.

The title? “A Stand Up Guy.”

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Rock it ‘til you drop it, Torn Slattens and Nugget Ranchers

Good idea
A Dutch Bishop has suggested that all religions change their name from god to Allah to foster better relations with Muslims. Yeah, that’s a good idea. And while we’re at it, let’s change the name of suicide bombers to 72-virgin-daters.

Get the lead out
What is wrong with the Dodgers? They’ve lost 11 out of their last 14 to fall from tied for first to fourth place in the NL West. Things just got worse. Mattel has recalled the Dodger’s bats because they have lead in them.

Long time
Michael Vick is considering a plea bargain in his federal dog fighting case; the rumor from the NFL is that Vick will be suspended for one year. That is serious, one year is seven years in dog fighting years.

Roger, (hic)
The House is going to investigate the report that NASA allowed drunk astronauts to take off. They should have suspected there was a problem when they discovered the astronaut drinking game that everyone chugs when Houston says roger and when Roger says Houston.

A real long time
Ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty in federal court to fixing games. He could face up to 25 years in prison. To give you an idea how long that is, in 25 years today’s NBA player’s illegitimate children could have their own illegitimate children.

Scary toy
Mattel issued a recall of over nine million toys made in China that are dangerous; one toy made in China was particularly dangerous. It was a tank that ran over protesting students.

Since you asked:

Rockin a b-day today, Slats and Nuggies. If you do know how old I am, I don't have to tell you. If you don't know how old I am, I don't want you to know.

But getting older is fine. You know what I really like best about getting older? What I really like about getting older is that, uh, you know, that, um, oh, shoot, what's it called?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

That’s how we do when we do what we do when we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Aww, that’s nice
The top White House advisor, deputy chief of state, Karl Rove has resigned. Rove wants to spend more time evilly manipulating his family.

The top White House advisor, deputy chief of state, Karl Rove has resigned. Rove has been dubbed President Bush’s brain. Which is like being called Michael Vick’s conscience.

The top White House advisor, deputy chief of state, Karl Rove has resigned. Rove is going to spend more time entering “Nazi-whose-face-melts-in-“Raiders of the Lost Ark” look-alike contests.

How does it do that?
Hawaii is looking out for hurricane Flossie. Flossie is a serious hurricane, it turns your house into a 1932 Wisconsin dairy farm

Go figure?
A man in West Virginia is suing McDonalds for $10 million because of his allergic reaction to cheese on a cheeseburger. Gosh, I wonder how cheese got on his quarter pounder with cheese? That’s a mystery.

In final round of the PGA Championship in steamy Tulsa, Tiger Woods battled it out with Woody Austin to win by two strokes. It was so hot, Tiger was sweating like Michael Vick at take-your-dog-to-work-day.

Get it?
In health news, a study reveals that marijuana can increase your chances of becoming schizophrenic. In a related story, Snoop Dog just changed his name to Snoop Snoop Dog Dog.

Take out the trash
Britney Spears has accused her mother of sleeping with her ex, Kevin Federline, to make her jealous. This just in, Tonya Harding now claims Britney is giving trailer trash a bad name.

Not paying off
The U.N. is warning that Gaza is facing an economic meltdown. Apparently the job of throwing rocks at Israeli tanks doesn’t pay as well as it used to.

Or something like that
The star of the movie, “:Rush Hour 3”, Jackie Chan, said he is excited about being number one at the box office. At least we think Chang said he is excited about being number one at the box office. Either that or Chang said he's been sighted a b0at fleeing numb ones at the boss off us.

Monday, August 13, 2007

*Stay on the top side, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Then it’s OK
A New York politician has proposed a bill that would ban the use of the word bitch; the word bitch could only be used in special specific circumstances like describing a mother dog or Hillary Clinton.

A woman in Arkansas just had her 17th child. In addition, her uterus has been converted into a Chucky Cheese.

What are the odds?
Los Angeles Police are investigating charges of sexual assault at a party at the Playboy mansion; that’s like investigating charges of femininity at a Clay Aiken concert.

That’s hot
It’s been hot. Back East people are sweating like a physician trying to find Barry Bonds’s shrunken testicles for the turn-and-cough test.

Makes sense
DNA evidence reveals late great singer James Brown is the father of two more kids out of wedlock; as a result, Brown was posthumously named an honorary member of the NBA.

Good news, bad news
Britney Spears had a fender bender in a parking lot. The good news is her kids weren’t in the car. The bad news is the kids weren’t in the car because Britney forgot them at the liquor store and drove off without them.

Stage four
Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship in brutally hot and humid weather in Tulsa; it was so hot and humid authorities identified tropical storm Gertie forming inside John Daly’s pants.

*This is the sum total of the technical advise I got from the guy I rented a stand up paddle board the first time I went to take it in the ocean's surf.