Friday, June 15, 2007

Happy Daddy Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More powerful than a speeding, uh, speeding, what are those things called?
Superman turned 69 this week. You can tell Superman is getting up there. The other day Superman smashed through the brick wall of a bank that was being robbed, stood there and said;

“Now what did I come in here for?”

Get it?
In a jailhouse phone call, Paris Hilton told Barbra Walters she has found god in prison. Yeah, in fact she has one of those black bracelets with “Who Would Jesus Do?”

Boom is so cliché
The military admitted they were investigating using a gay bomb; a chemical weapon that would induce enemy male soldiers to have sex with each other rather than fight. When the gay bomb explodes, it doesn’t go Boom, it goes “Heeeeyyyyyyyyy.”

The Green Loser
It is so hip to be green, now has never been a better time for a guy to be a loser in Hollywood. When a girl asks, “So why do you live in a Van Nuys studio apartment without a TV?” You say; “Well, I did that Malibu mansion, drive-a-Hummer scene, but my global warming conscience couldn’t take it. Now it’s a bicycle and a bus pass baby. It’s a thing I like to call responsibility.”

Spurred to boredom
The San Antonio Spurs swept the Cleveland Cavaliers in four games in what was probably the most boring and worst rated NBA finals in history. Spurs center Tim Duncan, if you’re having fun winning a championship, let your face know it. Duncan always has the same expression, just like my Labrador Kasey when the vet is checking her for worms.

Uh, no Arnold, that’s not, oh forget it
The buried bones of a-200,000-year-old Mastodon were discovered in Carlsbad; there was an awkward moment when they asked Gov Schwarzenegger what he thought of the buried bones, Arnold said;

“The Bury Bones is zah tremendous home run hitter but he took zah steroids, yah.”

We kid the Superman
Superman turned 69 this week. You can tell Superman is getting up there. You know what the 69-year-old Superman now wears under his tights when he fights crimes? Depends.

Hamas is about to over-run Mahmoud Abbas’s Fatah in a fracas in Rafah and Gaza. That’s not a news break, that’s someone talking baby talk. "Wases Hamas gonna get Abbas’s Fatah in a fracas in Rafah and Gaza? Yes Hamas wases gonna get Abbas Fatah."

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Rag tagged and jet lagged, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Boom and suddenly you’re a vicious gossip
The military admitted they were investigating using a gay bomb; a chemical weapon that would induce enemy male soldiers to have sex with each other rather than fight. Don’t we already have a chemical weapon that will induce men to have sex with each other? It’s called an Appletini.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatchya gonna do?
Golfer John Daly claims his wife attacked him in his sleep with a steak knife but his wife says Daly sexually assaulted her when he was drunk. Add a wildly barking dog, Daly with no shirt and we got us an episode of “Cops.”

The North American Nude Bikers club held its first cycling rally last weekend. I think it was called the Tour De Throw That Bike Seat Away.”

Makes sense
Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant is upset about being labeled a petulant brat despite his recent on-and-off trade demands and belittling his teammates and owner in the press. In fact, Kobe is so upset at the label petulant brat, if it doesn’t stop, Kobe is going to hold his breath until he is blue.

Hate to see that
Atlanta QB Michael Vick is being investigated for hosting illegal and horribly cruel dog fighting gambling. Even if not charged, many feel Vick’s reputation is so ruined by this scandal he will have no choice but to leave pro football completely and play for the Oakland Raiders.

So that is what that sound is
Five-time Wimbledon champ Bjorn Borg pulled out of a match because of a dog bite. Borg was hurt trying to stop a dog fight at his home in Sweden when his Golden Retriever was attacked by a German Shepherd. Somewhere Michael Vick’s laughter just dissolved into quiet sobs.

Editor’s note:
There are a lot of things athletes can do wrong that fans will forgive: taking drugs, domestic abuse, cheating on their wives, gambling, tax evasion, even drunk driving. In a country that gladly spent $40 billion last year on their pets, Americans cannot forgive cruelty to animals.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

We gonna bring it, sting it, sing it and wing it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, God Two
In a phone interview, Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she has discovered god in jail. Yeah, in fact Paris said that praying is now her second favorite thing to do while down on her knees.

We kid the kid-loving Muslims
Paris Hilton is doing better after being sent back to jail. In fact, Paris has been adopted by a Muslim gang and given her very one Islamic name: Ahseenher Poonanie.

Not good
Did you see the end of “The Sopranos”? That ending is not going to make anyone forget “The Godfather.” Hell, that ending isn’t even going to make anyone forget NBC’s “Joey.”

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tonight we grillin’ and chillin’ righteously old school on our narrow behinds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you see the ending of “The Sopranos.”? It was wild. Tony gets shot in the face by Vice President Dick Cheney.

Who knew?
In a telephone interview, Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she has discovered god in jail. Apparently god is a big, tattooed sadistic woman in the showers named Josafatrina.

A let down, so to speak
“The Sopranos” was the most disappointing ending since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s wedding night.

On second thought
Paris Hilton was carted off to jail sobbing and yelling for her Mom. It almost makes you want to feel sorry for Paris. Nahhhhh.

How bad could it be?
“The New York Daily News” reports Paris Hilton’s medical problems in jail was because she refused to eat or drink for fear of a guard taking a picture of her relieving herself on her cell toilet. What’s the big deal? We’ve seen worse. We’ve seen her try and act.

We kid those French because they take a joke so well
Spaniard Rafael Nadal won his third French Open in a row. Nadal has won in Paris so much he has been named an honorary German.

World Naked Bike day was yesterday. Today is “Apply lotion to your crotch day.”

World Naked Bike day was yesterday. That makes today “Don’t buy a used bike seat” day.”

That would be bad
In a telephone interview, Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she has discovered god in jail. In fact, Paris said that every day she prays that Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t commit a crime and gets sent to her jail.

Monday, June 11, 2007

It was a beautiful sunny day in New York. It was so nice, Yankee slugger Jason Giambi tested positive for SPF 40.

How about that wild ending to "The Sopranos"? I don't know about you, but I was shocked when Tony was whacked by Phil Specter.

On orders from court, Paris Hilton surrendered while sobbing pathetically. Even the French are saying; “Uh, could you change your name to London from Paris? “

There was a touching moment when Paris returned to jail. An inmate put her arms on Paris’s shoulder and gently said; “If you say “that’s hot” one more time, I am going to cut you.”

A judge ordered Paris Hilton into court to review her release from jail and Paris was handcuffed sobbing uncontrollably; this is so pathetic, Paris is making Martha Stewart look like Rambo.

Go see this and be prepared to get emotional.

As this was made by a very talented 15-year-old girl, having said that, is it a little corny? Yes. Does it tug hard at the heart strings? Yes. But in our cynical and isolated times, we could use a little tugging at the heart strings.

The message of this clip is very clear to me as it will be to you, but I also couldn’t help but keep thinking: F- you, Rosie O’Donnell.

F-you, Rosie O'Donnell and anyone else who implied all the awful things about our troops that she has implied in such a public forum in such a uniformed and reckless way. The fact that such a disgusting, ugly, angry, crazy and bitter fat slob like her has caused any of those people in this clip to feel bad for one second makes me want to vomit.

Believe me, I may be a former-liberal-but-now- further-to-the-middle-die-hard Independent but I am also proud and sympathetic of my liberal friends and their strong convictions. Rosie is just an ass clown.

We may all hate Paris Hilton, but Paris Hilton never insulted our soldiers like Rosie O’Donnell did.

We live just south of Camp Pendleton and just west of the Miramar Marine Corp airport. We hear the giant troop transport planes flying these Marines from Miramar and they go right over our house on their way to Iraq. We see the troop transport trucks headed north on Interstate 5. This is not a foreign war to San Diego. Our newspaper and radio stations air the tragic stories and show the pictures of the Soldier’s young widows weeping with their scared and worried four-year-old child at her young husband’s grave. Like the clip says, that widow is our neighbor. Your's too, I guess.

Ann Caroline’s friend’s Nanny lost her husband in Iraq. Not because he died, but because, when he came back, he was an emotional wreck, and he asked for a divorce. Not all wounds are physical.

My eight-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, has that exact same stuffed Buffalo as the pretty, brave wounded woman soldier in the start of that clip.


On a lighter note:

A friend of ours is a truly amazing woman: smart, kind, funny, pretty, a great mom, a tremendous athlete, upbeat, generous and charitable. She is a doctor we lovingly refer to as Dr. Dana. My daughter, Ann Caroline, plays soccer with her daughter, Michelle.

The other day I ran into Dr. Dana at a soccer game and she said;

“I have a funny story but I don’t want you and your lovely wife to take it the wrong way.”

Dr. Dana said she thought of us at work the other day but couldn’t figure out what triggered it. Then she remembered she was treating a patient for rectal bleeding – no, that’s not what made her think of us - and she was dictating into a recorder the technical recap of the procedure citing the patient’s rectal valve called the Virg Valve. That made her think of my wife Virginia, whom we affectionately call Virg.

Dr. Dana was kind enough not to mention she thought of me when she saw the guy’s a-hole.