Friday, June 01, 2007

Mack down on the crack down for a righteous smack down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Where there is smoke there are diamonds
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez was photographed in Toronto checking into a hotel with a blonde who isn’t his wife; A-Rod then placed a call to Kobe Bryant for the phone number of Kobe’s jeweler.

The online celebrity site, TMZ, reports that Paris Hilton has been going out with a different guy every night prior to checking into jail. One guy a night? So clearly Paris is trying to cut down on guys before her sentence.

A-Rod redux
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez was photographed in Toronto checking into a hotel with a blonde who isn’t his wife; this just goes to show that, even though the Yankees are in last place, they still think they can come from behind.

That could work
NBC “Law and Order” actor Fred Thompson is running for President. Now with Hillary Clinton and Thompson in the campaign, NBC will have a new spin off: “Law and Order: Special Pants Suit Unit”

New take on theology
Paris Hilton’s Mom, Kathy, says Paris has been praying and seeking god before she goes to jail. So apparently Paris thinks god hangs out in the back seat of strange dude’s cars.

Paris Hilton’s Mom, Kathy, says Paris has been praying and seeking god before she goes to jail. Apparently Paris figured that she calls out “Oh, god” so much she should learn who he is.

Look for the video “Cheetahs gone wild”
A study reveals that female Cheetahs are promiscuous, mating and having cubs with many males. Who is surprised by that? They wear those slutty faux leopard coats.

Since you asked:
What is Lex doing a noche? Workout. Got the Cubs/ Atlanta recorded and I am brine marinating my baby backs as we sprechen. A couple of beers, some pistachios, ribs and a Cubs game and it just might take my mind off the fact that I didn’t get the winning bid on the pink cocktail dress Audrey Hepbern wore in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” sold at auction for almost $200,000.

So what if it is a size nothing? A girl can dream. Incidentally, there is a new term for something that is really, really gay: The pink cocktail dress Audrey Hepburn wore in "Breakfast at Tiffanys."

The pink cocktail dress Audrey Hepburn wore in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"? I'll take Richard Simmons favorite sentence in the world for $500, Alex.

My baby backs? Brine marinate for a few hours. Heavy rub of garlic powder, cumin, Old Bay, pepper, paprika. Place on a pan with a little Budweiser beer on the bottom, cover with tin foil and bake low at 200 for three to four hours. Finish them off on the mesquite grill with my homemade peach marmalade, onion, Worcestershire BBQ sauce, grill corn on the cob and heat up beans.

Grilling music? Some Stones, of course, John Hiatt, a little Jimmy Buffet, a dash of Jack Johnson and a little Van Morrison.

Go Cubs. Go Holly Golightly.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Taking it low and slow as we go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Paris, that’s not, oh forget it
There was an awkward moment when she was informed that she will be subjected to a cavity search when she goes to jail, Paris Hilton said; “I just went to the dentist and I didn’t have any.”

Works both ways
Prior to going to the slammer, Paris Hilton was photographed putting American flags on her gated door. So apparently patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels as well as skanks.

Oh, I see
Kobe Bryant said the Los Angeles Lakers are a mess and he wants to be traded. Apparently all this time, it wasn’t Kobe’s lack of passing and missed shots, it was the fault of the front office when the Lakers blew a 3-1 series lead against the Phoenix Suns in the first round of the playoffs.

The last words of a condemned killer executed by injection were "Go, Raiders!" That is so tragic. They executed him the split second they discover he was innocent by reason of insanity.

Upon which a Cincinnati Bengals official said; “Hey, I thought the criminals were supposed to either play for or be for us.”

The wheels of the Buss go falling off
Kobe Bryant told the Philadelphia Enquirer that it was Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss’s fault that the Lakers dumped Shaquille O’Neal, not Kobe’s fault as everyone assumes. This marks the first time a Buss was thrown under the bus.

74-year-old Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested for a D.U.I while driving the wrong way on a street in Carlsbad with a 23-year-old swimsuit model. Gosh, I wonder why he wasn’t watching the road?

Or something like that
A survey reveals that Americans spend $40 billion a year on their pets. But we have to keep spending money on our pets or the terriers have won.

Hate to see that
The New York Yankees are in last place 14 1/2 games out of first. The Yankees are getting beaten so badly it’s a good thing they haven’t yet called up 44-year-old pitcher Roger Clemens or they could be charged with elder abuse.

How bad was it?
A man with a rare form of tuberculosis flew on two transatlantic flights endangering the passengers health. It was so bad it was the first time in recent memory the passengers were in more danger from another passenger than they were from the drunk pilots.

Beer 101
In Germany, beer prices are going up because farmers are abandoning growing barley for subsidized crops used for biofuels. Another factor causing beer prices to rise? The fact that Germans drink twenty of them a day.

Since you asked:
Man did I have the odd movie watching experience last night. You know how good movies start out good and stay good? And bad movies start out bad and get worse? This movie started out good and then went really bad.

“Music and Lyrics” with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. I like music, I like lyrics, I like Barrymore and I kinda like Grant. How bad could it be?

And it started out snappy. Funny, quirky characters, dialogue that was clever if not too clever but some great lines. And the plot was scooting along. All of a sudden they introduce this amazingly annoying Jessica Simpson/Christine Aguilera p.o.s. and suddenly the movie is like a boring dream you are trying to make more exciting. Half way through I got the strong impression they knew they were going sideways and they were trying to re-write the script as they filmed.

And the ending is so schmaltzy and formulamatic. When did it become a law that Drew Barrymore has to be in every single romantic comedy? The ending to this was the music version of a dead-ringer to “Fever Pitch” but even more anticlimactic. At least the Red Sox won the World Series.

The line I love in “Fever Pitch” was Drew Barrymore’s character telling Jimmy Fallon’s character;

“I got it, you’re a Red Sox fan. I’ve seen the Red Sox towels, the Red Sox rug, the Red Sox curtains, the New York Yankee toilet paper . . .”

It’s a guy thing.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Not exactly toting the rock and taking it to the paint up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So mean
Good news. The two whales stranded in the Sacramento river are close to getting back to the ocean. They named the two whales Delta and Dawn. Which is probably nicer than the first idea to call the two lost whales: Rosie and O’Donnell.

A collaboration with the always hilarious Janice Hough
Hillary Clinton has asked YouTube viewers to help her pick a campaign theme song; Hillary has requested, however, no more submissions of the Rolling Stones “She's so Cold” “Bitch” and Aerosmith's “Dude Looks Like A Lady.”

Quite a Comeback
The Duke’s men Lacrosse team made it to the NCAA championship game after missing the previous season due to being on trial; so there is still hope for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Hate to see that
One of the celebrity judges at the Miss USA pageant was Dallas Cowboy quarterback, Tony Romo. There was an embarrassing moment when Romo tried to throw a kiss at Miss USA, missed, and Miss Canada intercepted the kiss and ran it back for a touchdown.

The winner of the Miss USA pagaent was Miss Japan. Miss USA, nee Miss Japan, is so scorchingly beautiful the eyes almost popped out of the rodent on Donald Trump's head.

USA, USA, US . . .oops
At the Miss Universe pageant in Mexico, Miss USA was booed by the Mexican crowd during her speech. Apparently the audience was upset with the United States because they were the only people not allowed to sneak into it.

Since you asked:
Is it just me or am I the only sports loving guy who would have to care a lot more to not give a rat’s ass about the NBA playoffs? Granted, LaBron James is truly amazing and I will DVR the game tonight to catch his act. But everyone else? They might as well rename the NBA playoffs the Tour De France because nobody cares about that in the US now either.

Maybe it comes from living in a city with no NBA team but that didn't stop me during the Magic/Bird era and when Jordan was stacking up championships for my hometown. Then I was a huge fan.

A buddy of mine who is also a huge sports fan, albeit a misguided St. Louis Cardinals fan, had the same discussion. Who is spending all of their money at NBA games when we don't even want to watch them on TV? It isn't anyone I know, it isn't anyone who knows anyone I know.

We both agreed the only way we would see an NBA game is if somebody agreed to pay for our tickets, fly us there on a private jet and have a Limo meet us at the airport to take us to our courtside seats next to the cheerleaders.

Maloof brothers, are you reading this? We can be bought. Oh yes, we can be bought.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Slap that and tap that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Here we go
Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. You know what this means? Paris Hilton gets a cellmate.

The good news? Lindsay should get her money back from her rehab stint.

Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. after police found cocaine. This was Lindsay’s third crash in two years. Apparently that drastic shortage of Hollywood chauffeurs continues unabated.

Nice try, Paris
Prior to going to jail, Paris Hilton has tried to improve her image by traipsing around L.A. holding a bible. Shouldn’t she be waving an American flag? Oh, that’s right, patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, religion is the last refuge of a skank. That’s right.

Plan ahead
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he wants the city’s taxis to be converted to gas-electric hybrids by 2012. And by 2020, he wants the taxis running totally off the fumes coming from the cab drivers.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
A 14-year-old girl from Redmond, Washington, has won the National Geography Bee. It was awkward, when informed President Bush said; “Good for her, I never was good with rocks.”

Shaquille O’Neal commented that a sports writer was an idiot, I-D-O-U-T. I knew Shaq couldn’t hit a free throw, but I didn’t know he couldn’t spell one.

Catchy tunes
Apple is suing a company that makes a vibrator called iGasm because Apple feels it is infringing on their iPod name. To the iGasm's credit the vibrator does play three songs: “”Whole Lotta Love” “When I Think About You I Touch Myself” and “You Shook Me All Night Long.”

After her ugly fight with co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, ABC announced Rosie O’Donnell is off “The View” immediately. Insiders say an ABC executive had had it and kicked Rosie to the curb. Sadly, as a result, the ABC executive seriously broke his foot.

What is going on?
In the midst of the Tour De France winner Floyd Landis’s doping hearing, former winner Bjarne Riis admitted he doped and now a massage therapist claims he gave former winner Jan Ullrich drugs. How sad is it that now cyclists are on more drugs than the Rolling Stones?

See the connection?
A Beverly Hills salon is offering a $800 butt facial. They give your butt a full facial. They got the idea from watching Michael Moore’s face in a commercial to promote his new movie; “Sicko.”

The 91st running of the Indianapolis 500 had three women in the race, Sara Fisher, Danica Patrick and Milka Duno. I want to go on record that it is both crude and sexist to call this historic race with three women at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway: Where the I.M.S. meets the P.M.S. That is wrong.

Since you asked:
As I have been watching my Cubbies closely, I think back to an article in “Sports Illustrated” that was interesting. It took the person from each professional sport that made the exact average amount of money for their sport.

The NBA and NFL players were by far the richest, but they pointed out making it in the NBA is the sports equivalent of winning the lottery in that there are only 426 players. The smallest average salary was for women’s golf.

The baseball player – I don’t remember who it was – was doing fine at about $1.9 million. But what was interesting was his journey to get there. A couple years before he was making about $30,000 in the minor leagues.

What he said was that the level of play between the show and the minors is surprisingly small. In Triple A you see 96 mph fastballs like the bigs. He said making it to the show had a lot to do with luck. Is there a spot open where you play on your major league team? When you get called up are you on a hot streak? If not, adios. Back to Motel Six, yellow school buses, Popeyes fried chicken and chicken wire lockers.

The pro baseball player said, sure, the first class hotels and chartered planes and fancy clubhouses with the gourmet spreads are nice but you get used to that surprisingly fast. Then one day he said you wake up and you realize you are going to your job. Yes, it is a good job, a well paying job, a fun job, a job millions would do for free, but it is still a job.

When I was a couple years out of college, I got a break and was offered a job as a bond broker on Wall Street in New York. When he hired me the boss and owner was upfront about why he hired a young and totally inexperienced guy. A big part of what I was supposed to do was take clients out and entertain them: bars, the best restaurants, Broadway shows, ball games. He wanted to know if I was up for that. Was I up for that? Getting paid to go out in Manhattan? What god did I please?

After one year, guess what part of that job sucked the most? You got it. After working all day you had to stay in your suit and take out some wildly difficult egomaniac bond trader who only wants to waste as much of your expense account as possible getting sloppy, sloppy drunk.

Everyone says they love their jobs but hardly anyone really does. And if you really do love your job, there are days when you hate it. Even pro baseball players. As I have stated before, sometime, someplace some male porn star woke up in Encino, CA and said;

“If I have to have sex with one more beautiful girl, I swear, I’m going postal. I’m calling in sick.”