Friday, April 27, 2007

We got us our Friday gloaming going on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How did I guess?
An Iraqi suspected of being a top al-Qaida member has been captured and sent to Camp X-ray; don’t tell me, let me guess, he has a dark beard, his name has al somewhere in it and he is uglier than a bounced rent check.

Would you two get over with it?
Now that Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View” Donald Trump and Rosie are going at it again. Seriously, these two aren’t fooling anyone, they are so hot for each other, why don’t they just do it and save us the drama?

Whither Rosie?
Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View” Don’t worry about Rosie, though. She was picked by the Philadelphia Eagles in the fourth round of the NFL draft.

That explains it
Things are getting snippy on “American Idol.” Did you see on Tuesday how Ryan Seacrest snubbed Paula Abdul and didn’t introduce her? Their spat goes back four years when Ryan and Paula fought over who got to sleep with Clay Aiken.

You call this fair?
On “The View” Tyra Banks felt Rosie O’Donnell’s boobs to check if they’re real the way Tyra felt Katherine McPhee’s boobs to see if they’re real the way Tyra let a plastic surgeon feel her boobs to prove they’re real. How come nobody asks me to check if their boobs are real?

Since you asked:
A friend of mine accused me of something like being hard on Rosie. I am just funning about but I really don't like Rosie, but I also really don't like Donald Trump so there you go.

Incidentally this marks the first time the words "something" and "hard on Rosie" have ever been used together.
Rosie, we hardly can’t wait to get rid of thee

Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View” so ABC is looking for a replacement for Rosie who is less caustic, less angry and more physically attractive than Rosie. ABC’s narrowed the list down to director Michael Moore and everybody else on the planet.

Or ABC could get crafty and go the other way and pick somebody who is more evil, twisted, bitter and repugnant than Rosie. That would narrow the list fast down to Osama bin Laden, Oakland Raider owner Al Davis and Satan.

Insiders say the last straw for Barbara Walters was when Rosie used foul language at a luncheon for teenage girls. (And they say style and grace are things of the past) And yet others say it was that Barbara was tired of picking up all of Rosie’s discarded ham bones.

Maybe it’s just me, but I am starting to think Rosie has some compatibility issues.

Is there such a thing as a big shot TV personality who isn’t a damn liar? During the first Trump feud, Barbara Walters said over and over how she loved Rosie O’Donnell and hoped Rosie stays with the show; now Rosie says she is leaving because of contract disputes.

So of course it comes out in the “New York Post” that Rosie and Barbara hate each other, Rosie tried to kick Barbara off her own show, so Barbara had ABC dump Rosie like a pot roast gone bad.

Stay tuned. I’ll admit that Rosie makes me sick both physically and emotionally, not for her politics and heft but for her pious hypocrisy and political correct abuse of freedom of speech for her opinion but not for those who dissent. As much as I hate to say it, Trump was right, Rosie is a big fat bully. You ever hear the expression you get the face you deserve? That gives you an idea how nasty Rosie really is.

And I truly believe this “people who lie get cancer and die” woman’s soul is rancid and evil but I gotta kinda sorta admit she is fun to watch destroy herself. Look for some real fireworks by June.

Rosie and the words class and dignity have never been used together. Seriously, Rosie has to be pretty bad to make Star Jones look like a class act by comparison.
It gonna do what it gonna do when it do what it gonna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It has been hot back east. It is so hot in Washington D.C. Alberto Gonzales is sticking to his alibis.

This joke doesn’t have a leg to stand on
Heather Mills was voted off “Dancing with the Stars” She was hopping mad.

Spark it up
Astronomers have found a planet outside our galaxy that could be inhabitable with air and water; you know what this means? Fire up the SUV’s, ‘cause we got ourselves a spare.

Stats don’t lie
According to a poll, 70% of Muslims felt the United States wants to weaken and divide the Muslim world. The other 30% are glad Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View.”

Is it drafty in here?
The NFL is gearing up for their draft this weekend. The Cincinnati Bengals may trade their first pick for a felon to be named later.

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is planning to impeach vice president Dick Cheney. Asked to comment, Dick Cheney said; “Oh, that is so cute.”

That explains it
Sheryl Crow is asking us to just use one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit; and just exactly how are we supposed to get by with only using one tiny square of toilet paper? Depends.

We like and kid the Alec, but spell the name right
Today is “Bring your child to work” day. Or as Alec Baldwin calls it: “Berate your child at work day.”

Stick to what you know
Now Sheryl Crow claims her request for everyone to use one square of toilet paper was just a joke. See? This is why comedians don’t try and cut a rock album.

Moving on
Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View” in June. Rosie is chasing her dream to star in the lead role of “The Ted Kennedy Story.”

This is bad news for “The View” ratings but good news for “The Views” couch.

ABC couldn’t come to terms with Rosie. But you had a feeling ABC wasn’t committed to the contract talks: they hired Donald Trump as their negotiator.

ABC didn’t want to give Rosie a percentage of the show’s back end and lord knows ABC didn’t want a percentage of Rosie’s back end.

Rumor has it the negotiations got a little heated. At one point ABC threatened to drop a house on Rosie’s sister.

Since you asked:
Hugh Grant was arrested in England for throwing his beans at a photographer. When I first read this I thought: “Oh, those English and their witty expressions. But what does throwing his beans mean?” No, he really threw a container of beans at the guy.

OK, we can all agree that Paparazzi are blood suckers who we all wish would go away. But you didn’t look at the shot of the panty-less Britney coming out of the limo? The Paris sex tape?

Admit it, we all like to look into Hollywood’s bedroom window. That’s why shows like “Entourage” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” are such big hits. They give us an authentic look into what it would be like to hob nob – does anyone still hob or nob? – with big shots.

And TMZ and Smoking Gun, along with the Internet and everyone having a digital video camera in their phone, has allowed this to happen. How far has this hi-tech invasion gone? Too Far. There is an entire web site with nothing but pictures of famous people picking at their butts and crotches. Granted, half of them are Paris Hilton, but come on. People pick at themselves, movie stars are people. Why are we so fascinated when Lindsay Lohan adjusts a wedgie?

Having said that, I have to go with the photographer in the Hugh grant “throwing the beans” incident. I’ve got it on first-hand reliable information that Hugh is nothing close to the cutesy, floppy-haired, shy and witty Brit that he passes himself as in movies. My source says Hugh is a prickly jerk.

And he would have to be. Where is it written that Hugh has the right to use his fame to make himself filthy rich as a movie star but we all have to ignore that fame when it comes to his personal life? You get one you deal with the other, you overly-entitled British schmuck. I am waiting for some butthead movie star to slip and go off on photographers at their movie opening.

"Dammit, why are you taking my f-ing picture? Oh yeah, I forgot, we invited you."

Of course it is easy for us to say because most of us aren’t famous. Living in New York and my good buddy and amazing chef Woody taught me the art of shopping for dinner that same day. Back in the stone age my Mother would go to the grocery store once a month and load up.

Now, due to cooking shows and their popularity, people shop for fresh stuff each day. It is how the Europeans have always done it. And I like going to the store. I know the people by name and we chat and discuss recipes and such. (No, I am still not gay, not that there is anything wrong with it)

It would truly piss me off if I was so popular that I couldn’t shop like that anymore. So yes, I am sure there are aspects of being famous that are bad.

Having said that, boo hoo you pussys. Book a damn private jet and fly to Italy and cry to George Clooney at his castle on Lake Cuomo while sipping Crystal champagne about how nasty the Paparazzi are.

Or is it is?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Why it gotta be all of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

How hot is it?
It is hot back East. In fact, it is so hot in Washington D.C. President Bush is sticking by Alberto Gonzales.

It is hot back East. It is so hot in Washington D.C. John Edwards was sweating like he was at Super Cuts.

Naughty Bits Park
In England they opened the world’s first sex theme park. You know what is really embarrassing? When a guy flunks the “You must be this big to get on this ride” test.

The least popular ride at the sex theme park? “It’s a small world.”

In England they opened the world’s first sex theme park. Sorry Disney, there is a new happiest place on earth.

Who knew?
Did you hear that phone message of Alec Baldwin’s to his daughter, Ireland? It was so bad Don Imus wants Baldwin fired.

Truth in Advertising
Erik Estrada received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, as a result they had to legally change the name to the Hollywood Walk of Has-beens.

Eating Crow
In her bid –excuse me – to wipe out global warming, Sheryl Crow is insisting we all use just one square of toilet paper each time we use the bathroom. I can think of two reasons why this isn’t a good idea: Tom and Arnold.

Except for this
Yahoo! announced plans to host online-only presidential debates during the 2008 campaign. This is the very first online presidential debate. If you don’t count the time President Clinton argued with the website “Hefty Interns ”about a charge on his credit card.

A man in Bensonville, AK, is demanding the city pay his two sons $10,000 each because they found a book in the public library on lesbian sex; the man said the two boys had many sleepless nights. Not to mention they also developed a wicked case of tennis elbow.

Get it together guys
Scientists say women will be able to get pregnant by converting their own bone marrow to sperm; OK, guys, that’s it, the parties over. Time to start putting toilet seats down, take out the garbage, turn off the game, ask for driving directions and even learn about foreplay or we are out of here.

Not good
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is planning to impeach vice president Dick Cheney. Upon hearing this, Cheney got so mad he threatened to shoot Kucinich’s supporter in the face.

Since you asked:
Smart move by ABC to dump Rosie O’Donnell.

Rosie was the TV equivalent of a car accident: it's horrible and ugly and you don’t want to watch but you have to. Her formula of garnering cheap publicity due to faux scandals and pissy fights, had a short shelf life. O’Donnell’s Q rating - which measures marketing power due to celebrity likeability - outside of Hollywood and New York, was horrible. Rosie’s personality was beyond abrasive and it was bound to catch up to a perky morning show.

Rosie's briefly novel nutty tirades were getting old fast and ABC knew it. Who wants to wake up to that every day?

Monday, April 23, 2007

At the end of the day it is what it is back in the day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Doesn’t count
Yahoo! announced plans to host online-only presidential debates during the 2008 campaign. This is the very first online presidential debate. If you don’t count the time President Clinton argued with the website “Big Babes” about his bill.

Spidy burnout
“Spiderman 3” is coming out, but I get the feeling Spiderman just isn’t as into it anymore. His new catchphrase is; “Screw it, I’m taking the elevator.”

“Spiderman 3” is coming out, but I get the feeling Spiderman just isn’t as into it anymore. For example, he ran out of his wrist web shooter and now he just uses duct tape .

When did Sheryl become the head of the potty police?
To wipe out global warming, Sheryl Crow is demanding that we use only one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit. Sheryl then stepped in her limo to take her to her private jet to fly her to five trailer-truck delivered billion amp stage complete with spotlights.

So that’s why
A study reveals that adding hard alcohol like rum and vodka to strawberries and other fruit increases their antioxidants making them healthier. This explains why Ted Kennedy looks like such a health nut.

To halt global warming, Sheryl Crow is lobbying that we only use one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit. Well, everybody but John Madden and Rubin Stoddard. They get a pass.