Saturday, April 14, 2007

It is hard out here

We gonna go all righteous on your narrow tookuseseses, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It has been cold. This morning I was shaking like Don Imus at a 50 Cent concert.

That’s a problem
A recent study has shown that 20 percent of women have answered the phone during sex. That doesn’t bother me. It’s when a woman faxes off a photocopy of her ass during sex that bugs me.

Fall back position
Don Imus “be an idiot” got fired from CBS. But don’t worry, if worst comes to worst Imus can always get work as a look-alike for the Muppets Sam the Eagle.

Whoda thunkit?
Between the Anna Nicole Smith baby sweepstakes and Don Imus, who could have imagined there would be two other people more idiotic in the news with the titles shock jock and Howard Stern?

Hold the MSG
China has announced they are going to crackdown on Internet porn. So now the only sixty nine available in China will be beef and broccoli.

Burly versus girlie
A study reveals that women prefer tough, burly, manly, muscular men when they are ovulating but only for a sex fling. For the long term women want a man who is gentle, kind, sweet, sensitive, reliable, considerate, neat and thoughtful. You know, gay.

Why didn’t I think of that?
Great news. I know how we can find Osama bin Laden: simply announce that Osama called the Rutgers women’s basketball team nappy-headed hos.

A sure sign
Britney Spears people denied that she is dating LA Laker Luke Walton. I’m not sure, after a poor three point performance last night, Luke shaved his head and checked into rehab.

Since you asked:

Sure, I know what you’re asking, you’re asking, Lex, how do you come up with all of those incredibly dumb, annoying, cloying, stupid, silly-ass more-than-slightly-gay but somehow still cute nicknames for your two Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey?

Well, like music and comedy and sex, the idea is to not let the brain get in the way of it. Not to get too crude, but you know the sounds you make when you, well, sit on a really cold toilet? You don’t think about them, they just come out? It’s kinda like that.

Oh, yeah, like you haven’t . . .

Wait until you see those big bright eyes shining and that furry tail wagging just because they are happy to see you and let ‘em fly. If it helps – or if you have to induce vomiting due to having ingested poison – here are some of my recent ones:

Pumpkin’ bumps




(Have you puked yet?)



Of course the always classic Monkey Pants

These are the names for both of the dogs together. Individually you must use more specific nicknames that are more appropriate.

For Wrigley that is Dunderheadeddog and No-sense-hassin’hound. For Kasey it is Miss Bitty-bear Boops and Inspector Kaseybabybear.

Don’t forget everything has at least one extra plural if not more. For example, Monkey Pants should be Monkey Pantseses.

Now get out there and make your family, friends and your neighbors sick.

Lex’s latest grilling tip:

Two words, Slateenos and Nuggetiases: Stubbs Beef (adding a third) Marinade. Oh, my goodness . . .

And, as always, when grilling beef or pork, use the lump charcoal on the Weber grill. Yes, I still loves me some my gas grill but charcoal for beef is better. Period. Sear with the lid off and finish with the lid on and the holes open.
The secret to my grilled sweet onions? Vodka. Yep, a splash of Vodka in the pan at the beginning and then do that cool thing where you tilt it to the gas burner to light it (be careful you’re not wearing a polyester Muumuu) and flip and get the cool blue flashy thingies happening.

Chicks will dig you, guys will wanna be you.

What to drink and what to listen to when grilling the beef and sautéing the onions? Kettle One Vodka, grape/cran juice with a splash of lime and the Rolling Stones “All Down the Line” from Exile on Main Street, their most underrated album.

‘Dey you go. Uh huh. Dat’s right. Go Cubs. Mets suck.

YouTube update:

Remember, if you haven't, you have to go to YouTube and search: Kassie kicks Monster's ass.

And then, search: The Ellen Degeneres Show - Smart Dog Retrieves Ball !!!

(The three exclamation marks were not my idea)

Whenever someone sends me their jokes, I know I am in for a total suck-fest when they add exclamation marks to illustrate how funny they are)

It is hard out here

We working it old school up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oddly enough
In health news, in Los Angeles a man is suing a veteran’s hospital for removing the wrong testicle. Ironically, most trial lawyers would give their left nut for this case.

Hate to see that
The long-legged Haley Scarnato got voted off “American Idol.” There was that one really odd moment when Keith Richards scampered up Haley’s leg and fell off and hit his head.  

Enough already
Did you see “American Idol”? Sanjaya got voted back again but this time Don Imus apologized for it.

Out of it
Did you see “American Idol”? Paula Abdul is acting weirder and weirder. Last night Paula insisted she was the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

An Australian tabloid claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to buy a 244 foot yacht. The yacht has a swimming pool, a helicopter pad, a submarine and a special home entertainment center that automatically edits out anything with Jennifer Anniston in it.

Long time ago
It has been so cold around the country this spring that major league baseball has had it’s lowest rate of home runs hit since 1993. To give you an idea how long ago that was, in 1993, Barry Bonds head was only mildly freakishly large.  

It is so bad that the baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, is now insisting that players take steroids.

Slow going
After nine games this season, San Francisco Giants steroid slugger Barry Bonds only has one home run. At this rate Barry won’t break Hank Aaron’s 755 home run record until they identify the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter’s daughter.  

Thursday, April 12, 2007

It is hard out here

That is so how it go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you see “American Idol” Tuesday night? Sanjaya was amazing. He proved he can sing horribly in two languages.

Did you see “American Idol” last night? Jennifer Lopez was the star. For once Simon Cowell wasn’t the biggest ass on the show.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

It is hard out here

Put the lime in the coconut and drink ‘em bot’ up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(You know you liked that song)

You know, that thing
Nearly a year afterwards, Tour De France winner Floyd Landis is still fighting to clear his name of doping charges. Or as Americans now call the post-Lance Armstrong era of the Tour De France, “That Thing We Care Even Less About Than Soccer.”

Serious charges
Radio personality Don Imus has been suspended for calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team nappy-headed hos. This is serious. Imus could be charged with impersonating a rap singer.

Don Imus made a racial slur on his radio show and then apologized for it. In addition, Imus also apologized for looking like the “Wizard of Oz” crabby apple tree.

Not one
Apple has sold over 100 million iPods and over 2.5 billion songs from iTunes. The most amazing thing about that? Not one single one of those 2.5 billion songs was one of Kevin Federline’s.

Yoga for Fido
The latest workout trend in L.A. is going to yoga with your dog. There was one problem in the Beverly Hills dog yoga class. One of the dogs was offended by the yoga move titled downward dog. He preferred the term downward canine American.

Really ugly
Did you see that screaming match between Geraldo Rivera and Bill O’Reilly? It was ugly. Even Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump told them to relax.

No thanks
The creator of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos, Joe Francis, surrendered to Federal Marshals on charges he used underage models in his videos and he faces serious prison time. Look for his next video; “Cellmates Gone Wild.”

Childhood obesity is growing wildly. At this rate Michael Jackson will have a bad back and a hernia.

Good idea
The NFL has suspended Adam “Pacman” Jones next season for his ten run-ins with the law in two years. And what better way to treat a troublemaker than give him the entire year off?

This is all part of the NFL’s new “Ten strikes and you are suspended” policy.

Since you asked:
There is no doubt I am more than a little goofy about my yellow Labrador dogs, Kasey and Wrigley, but there are times when I am amazed at how different we are. Take, for example, their almost total indifference to our relatively new and amazing 50 inch Hi Def Panasonic plasma screen.  

To be fair, I have spotted Wrigley looking at it from time to time, but it is merely in a why-is-he-so-focused-at-that-thing--and-not-playing-with-me? way. Kasey hasn’t even glanced at it.

How could they not appreciate the azaleas and the dogwoods in bloom at Amen corner during the Masters? It was beautiful. Sniff. Simply beautiful. Sob.

It is then I have to remind myself that neither dog is much interested in anything outside of being fed, walked and played with. In fact, Wrigley’s general philosophy is even more dog-radical. He only really cares about things he can chew up, pee on, poop on or puke on.

One time, when I was busy cleaning up another of Wrigley’s messes, he chewed up, then puked on and peed and pooped on an entire oriental area rug.

Wrigley was on his A-game that day.

Speaking of dogs:

Big dogged it up a bit at the Padres game last night in the corporate box. I accomplished all three of my goals: I ate lots of free food, I drank lots of free booze, and I booed Barry Bonds.

Go Cubs.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

It is hard out here

We doin’ a hey now, a who ‘dat and a couple of Hoobastanks up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh please
The latest work out in trendy Hollywood is going to yoga with your dog; as a result, the yoga position downward dog has been renamed downward douche bag.

Apple has sold over 100 million iPods. Do you know what every single one of the 100 million iPods have in common? Not one of them will ever have a song by Sanjaya Malakar.

“Woke up this morning . . .”
Did you see “The Sopranos” Sunday night? Not to give anything away, but it was wild. No matter how many times Tony tried to whack Sanjaya, he kept coming back. It was amazing.

Double offense
In Ohio, a male fireman was arrested for drunk driving while wearing a woman’s bikini. He was charged with a D.U.I. and with impersonating Camilla Parker Bowles.

Get it?
Los Angeles Lakers Luke Walton is rumored to be dating Britney Spears. Apparently after her famous crotch picture and after shaving her head, Britney has had quite enough of the Clippers.

Since you asked:
As I was watching Tiger Woods during the Masters, I was reminded of what Keith Richards once said when asked about enigmatic Rolling Stones band mate Mick Jagger. Keith said that he would have thought, like a lot of people, that it would be great fun to be Mick Jagger. The wealth, the fame, the women, the lifestyle.

But apparently it isn’t.

Keith said that Mick spends a lot of angst and energy and consternation fretting constantly about the day-to-day working of being Mick Jagger. Jagger constantly worries about his image, his portrayal in the press, he is fastidious about all of his vast financial dealings. Generally Mick spends his time stewing about all the problems that apparently come from being a rock icon.

The same thing seems to be true of Tiger Woods. Granted, he wasn’t playing his best this Masters tournament, and I like that, despite his 42 PGA wins, that Tiger is still hungry.

But Tiger was no fun to watch at the Masters. Come on, it’s a beautiful day, a gorgeous course, Tiger is still young, richer than hell, amazingly fit and married to a gorgeous Swedish bikini model pregnant with his kid. (Don’t tell her Tiger can’t come from behind. Badabing, I’ll be here all week)

Hey Tiger, if you’re having fun finishing second at Augusta for over half a million dollars, let your face know.

Granted, Tiger has more pressure than other folks from his sponsors to the press to the fans, but that is nothing new. If the guy wants to be more of an ambassador of his sport, like he always says he does, then how about showing that golf is at least sort of fun at the highest level?