Friday, April 06, 2007

It is hard out here

We done got earjacked and they dropped our sixteen on his brokeback narrow six, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Can you tell somebody checked into Urban Dictionary?)

A new malady
After watching “American Idol” this week, I didn’t feel good this morning. I woke up with severe Sanjaya-tis: My hair was goofy and my voice was shot.

Comeback kid
Monday’s “American Idol” featured the great Tony Bennett. At the low point of his career, Tony had no hits, he was bald and addicted to cocaine. In fact he was one Internet naked crotch shot away from being Britney Spears.

Not good
Sinjaya made it through again on “American Idol” If Sanjaya keeps hanging on despite doing horribly, he is going to be named to President Bush’s foreign policy team.
In Chicago, a coyote waltzed into a Quiznos sandwich shop, climbed into the drink cooler and lay down. A visiting New Yorker exclaimed; “Wow, your rats are as big as our rats.”

Just not the same for some reason
Neurological researchers at Johns Hopkins are working on why we can’t tickle ourselves. After this preeminent work they’ll investigate why playing hide and seek by yourself isn’t as fun.

Sweden will not allow a heavy metal-loving couple to name their child after the band Metallica. Sweden, oddly enough, will allow them to name their child Hoobastank.

Since you asked:

Have you ever seen a show where Emerill Lagase soufflé drops? No. Have you ever seen Bobby Flay scorch a burger? No. Have you ever seen ridiculously spunky and ubiquitous Rachel Ray break a sauce or a yoke? No. Why? Because their shows are edited, that’s why.

It is my cooking contention that you can’t make something good until you’ve made it bad. You have to have a basis for comparison.

Having said that, I made the single biggest bone-head cooking foul up ever last night. And in front of a huge crowd. Sigh.

We were invited over to our friend’s house last night for steaks and margaritas, both of which were awesome. I offered to bring my grilled corn salsa and make a wine/mushroom reduction sauce for the steaks.

Needless to say I made the grilled corn salsa ahead of time at my house. Grilled six ears to perfection, sliced off the kernels into a bowl with coarsely chopped cilantro, slightly sweated chopped red onions, a dollop of mayo, a couple tablespoons of chopped green chilis, lime juice, dash of olive oil and balsamic vinegar, Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper with avocado slices on top for presentation. Served with blue corn chips, of course.

That was fine. Great in fact. But I decided to make the mushroom wine reduction sauce at their house.

The mushrooms went great. I even impressed with lighting a splash of vodka and flaring up the blue flame with that flip-the-mushrooms-in-the-pan cool move. Then I added the red wine/soy sauce/beef broth/garlic/a little tomato sauce and simmered hard. It was on its way to being a glowing coffee/amber spoon coating perfection of a reduction sauce when I got the brains storm to do another fireworks show for the kids with more vodka. That was fine also.

But then I got the brainstorm to light the vodka, as the pan was full and I didn’t want to spill it, with a match instead of the gas flame, as I should have. Did I go find a match? No, genius boy here grabbed a nearby candle and tilted the pan toward it. All of the damn scented candle wax spilled into my pan. The frickin’ sauce tasted just like lavender soap.

I had to toss it.

I ate my steak and drank my Maggie with a poopy diaper, as my buddy Ray says.

Good night and good Hoobastanking.

Go to:

Search: Kassie kicks ass

It is so funny. It reminds me of the great Anne Lamont in “Bird by Bird” when she tells of her three-year-old boy trying to use a toy key to unlock a door and finally, in frustration, he yells “Sh*t!”

Mommy gives him the lecture about not using bad words and they should both try to do better. He says yes and then asks;

“Don’t you want to know why I said the bad word?”

“Why, honey?”

“Because the f*cking key didn’t work.”

Thursday, April 05, 2007

It is hard out here

What, what, what, what, what, what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

That could explain it
The Chicago Cubs opened their season with a 5-1 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, but I can’t help but be optimistic, thanks to new manager Lou Pinella, that this is the year for the Chicago Cubs. Of course, I also think that mechanical chimps on Pluto are controlling my thoughts.

Why am I the only person who likes this joke?
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. As a result, P. Diddy is now so tired he is changing his name to P. Sitting Down.

And also the only one who likes this joke?
Sweden will not allow a heavy-metal-loving couple to name their newborn Metallica. Sweden will, oddly enough, allow them to name their child Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Not a package deal
The company that now owns the Chicago Cubs announced the team is for sale. Baseless blind optimism followed by crushing disappointment included. World Series sold separately.

Not good (Just kidding, Woodlies)
In San Diego, over four million gallons of sewage spilled into the ocean. It was so bad that San Diego had to temporarily change its name to Newark, NJ.

Targeting fine diners everywhere
The producers of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos announced they are opening a Girls Gone Wild chain of restaurants. This is for those discerning diners who find the atmosphere at Hooters too buttoned up and stuffy.

He must be stopped before more are hurt
There is speculation that Sinjaya could destroy “American Idol” by ruining its credibility by winning despite horrible performances. I’m not sure about that, but Sinjaya’s pony hawk has already brought down at least one Super Cuts we know of.

The Tally
Republican presidential candidates have disclosed their fundraising results to date. Mitt Romney has raised $23 million, Rudolph Guliani has raised $15 million and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo has raised lots and lots of doubts.

He put the P in Oh Please
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. Sadly, afterwards P. Diddy’s girlfriend had to seek medical treatment: it seems she over-Diddy’d.

Since you asked:
What is better than a mid-day snooze? Sadly, I don’t get to do it as much as I would like, but it sure do reset your dials back to zero is what it do. The key is not going longer than thirty minutes. If you do go too long you get all bubble-headed and your face doesn’t fit right for a couple hours.

Now that the Greek study revealed that a mid-day snooze lowers your risk of heart attacks by 39%, I don’t call them naps, I call them Heart Attack Prevention Procedure Yielding Sessions. Or HAPPYS.

Here is my question: what is the deal, when I am really, really tired and I go to nap, just as I am set to relax and doze off, I do that mini-jolt thing with my muscles? Not like the “Oh, I am about to wipe out taking this corner on my bike” dream where you snap awake in a full-blown panic, I mean those little taser-like spasms.

You now, when you look like a dog dreaming about chasing rabbits?

This is deep stuff, Slateens and Nugglies.

(Polite applause)

Lex is either a genius (just so you know, I spelled it genuis the first time) or an idiot.

Now, I don’t even know if I will be able to articulate this concept but here goes.

Let’s start out with the mind-numbing realization that there are now more than 300 million people in this country. Can you fathom that? No, of course not, nobody can. I can’t fathom one million people and it is 300 times that. It’s beyond comprehension but it is true.

Let me show you how a mathematically simple-minded person approaches the task of trying to comprehend one million people. Take the Rose Bowl. That holds one hundred thousand people. The Rose Bowl is huge and that is a lot of jamokes, but I can picture it.

Now, let’s make like Sesame Street’s “The Count” and start adding full Rose Bowls:

One Rose Bowl. Two, two Rose Bowls. Three Rose Bowls, ha ha ha ha. Four, four Rose Bowls. Five Rose Bowls. (Now I am starting to get like the guy who is trying to carry too many cantaloupes. I can handle five Rose Bowls but the sixth one keeps popping out)

So I only made it to half a million people. Multiply that times 600? Cow-looking-at-a-train time.

And yet everyone I know has visited either the White House, the Grand Canyon, Lombard Street in San Francisco, the Lincoln Memorial, the Statue of Liberty, Sunset Blvd, Pearl Harbor, the New York Stock Exchange, the “Cheers” bar in Boston, Congress etc. or all of the above.

But when I was at those famous places, there weren’t millions and millions of people, just a small handful of visitors. How is that possible?

Everyone I know has been to JFK’s grave. So how come the surrounding area isn’t crushed to dust from the impact of let’s say conservatively just 200 million people?

Not take that concept and multiply it by the six billion people in the entire world. Billion. You thought a million left me in the dust? How come there aren’t two hundred million people visiting the Eiffel Tower at one time? Big Ben? The Great Wall?

Something is fishy.

Maybe it goes back to the line in “Annie Hall” -or was it “Manhattan”? - where Diane Keaton tells Woody Allen;

“Yes, and if everyone in the entire world decided to go to the same restaurant on the same night there would be utter chaos, but it just doesn’t work that way.”

Again, this is deep, deep stuff we are working on here. I didn't get a harumph outta that guy.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

It is hard out here

Oh yes we di’ . . .id, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That time of year
Yesterday was the start of the baseball season. In Washington, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales threw out the first denial.

It adds up fast
Hillary Clinton claims she has raised over $4 mil dollars for her campaign on the Internet. And that is just the money from closing all of Bill Clinton’s pre-paid porno sites.  

Ahead of their peers
In South Carolina, a 24-year-old teacher is accused of having sex with her middle school students. Middle school, not high school. Apparently these really young boys brought new meaning to the term gifted students.

What is going on? When I was in school my teachers wouldn’t let me slam my books down.

Diddy the night away
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. Oh my goodness, do realize what this means? P. Diddy can’t tell time.

Afterwards he was so tired he changed his name was P. Squatting.

Not good
The bad news is that the Pope announced there really is a hell. This is the worst news for entertainment attorneys since massages stopped being tax deductible.

Late breaking
Gunshots were fired inside the CNN headquarters in Atlanta. The most amazing part of this is that the story broke on and Smoking Gun.

The shot not heard ‘round the world
The reverend Al Sharpton Jr. announced he will not run for President. The disappointment generated from Al Sharpton not running for president could be felt nowhere in the world.

What a relief
Keith Richards now says he was just fooling when he said he snorted his Dad’s ashes with cocaine. Actually it was his Uncle’s ashes and he snorted it with Crystal Meth. Whew.  

Since you asked:
I love the Bud Light commercial where the guy is so stupid he picks up axe and chainsaw murdering hitchhikers for their beer. Can you imagine a commercial like that about women?

“Susie, don’t go in that shoe store, that salesman is OJ. Simpson.”

“Yeah, but there’s a sale.”

Publicity whore attorney Gloria Allred would break her hip she would sue so fast.

Monday, April 02, 2007

It is hard out here

We getting’ ten kinds of nasty up in this joint-asty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers  

Not good
Did you see the clip of Eddie Griffin crashing that Ferrari? Remember the movie “Scent of Woman”? Al Pacino played a character who drove a Ferrari better than Eddie did. And he was blind.

Oui wheels
This summer the French will offer thousands of low-cost bicycle rentals in an effort to cut down on pollution and traffic in Paris. Beret, baguette, striped shirt and bottle of wine sold separately.

That’s a relief
The bad news is that the Pope announced there really is a hell. The good news? Satan has gone green and turned down the temperature in hell to a warm and pleasant 78.

More trouble
The bad news is that the Pope announced there really is a hell. This is the worst news for the Cincinnati Bengals since they started putting metal detectors in strip clubs.

Had to see it
This is a big weekend for massive Ohio State freshman Greg Oden. Not only was his team in the final four of the NCAA tournament, but he also won the “Raising Arizona” Randal “Tex” Cobb character Leonard Smalls look-alike contest.