It is hard out here
Saturday Morning Caffeine Jonesing Rant:
Super Bowl winning quarterback Peyton Manning was the host of “Saturday Night Live.” He was pretty good except when he would audible and change all the sketches at the line of scrimmage;
“Check, no spit take, no spit take. Going with blow to the crotch, repeat, blow to the crotch.”
Here is my Peyton Manning sketch if I wrote for “SNL”
Peyton runs up to the huddle:
Peyton
“We don’t have much time. Here’s the play. We are going to run a hot route, K-75 g-hitch bee bop two-step drop Schenectady skiddle slapper on four.”
Lineman:
“Uh, I don’t like that play.”
Peyton:
“Why not?”
Lineman:
“Well, it goes to the left.”
Peyton:
“So?”
Lineman:
“Well if we go to the left, that could be interpreted as an indication of our political leanings thus us being unsupportive of our military policy in Iraq and a sign of disrespect to our troops at a sensitive time.”
Peyton:
“Fine, good point, we’ll run it to the right.”
Wide Receiver:
(Very campy lilting voice)
“Wait a sec, Skippy.”
Peyton:
“Now what?”
Wide Receiver:
“Going right could be viewed as us being conservative and thus agreeing with that homophobic scary witch Ann Coulter who just called John Edwards that nasty gay slur F-word”
Peyton
“What the hell do you care, you’re a wide-receiver?”
Wide Receiver:
“About that, I find the term wide receiver also to be a pejorative gay slur.”
Peyton:
“We don’t have time for this. OK, instead of wide receiver what should we call you?”
Wide Receiver:
“A tight end”
Peyton:
“OK, you’re a tight end.”
New Tight End:
“A really, really tight end.” (slaps his own butt)
Peyton:
“OK, you’re a really really tight end. Now let’s go. Hot route, K-75 g-hitch bee bop two-step drop Schenectady skiddle slapper . . . up the middle . . .”
New Really Really Tight End
(terribly excited)
“ . . . oh goody.”
Peyton:
“. . . on two.”
Another lineman:
“Wait a second. (Points over to the ball) Is that ball pig skin?
Peyton
(Growing very agitated)
“Yes, it’s pig skin. So what?”
Another Lineman:
“Oh, that just won’t work for me. I’m a Vegan.”
Peyton:
(Steamed)
“OK, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore. He won’t run to the left, he won’t go the right and he wants to be a called a tight end because wide receiver isn’t quite gay enough and now this idiot decides he can’t play with a pig skin because he’s a freakin’ Vegetarian?”
Another Lineman :
“Excuse me, Vegan”
Peyton:
“Oh, please forgive me, Vegan. Are you kidding me? I quit!” (Manning storms off)
(They silently watch Manning storm off)
New Really, Really Tight End:
“What a bitch.”
Remaining Huddle:
“What a primma donna. It’s all about him, isn’t it? Those quarterbacks are such divas.”
Cut to: Spinning Newspaper stops to reveal headline:
“Peyton Hates the Troops?”
Another headlind:
“Teammates Say Manning Difficult”
Another headline shouts:
“Homophobic Star QB?”
And another headline screams:
“Peyton the Animal Killer”
And the final headline:
“Rosie Rants Against Insensitive Football Star.”
And scene.
(Roaring applause)
Since you asked:
Looking good in the NCAA pool. Still have four of the final eight. Kansas, Ohio State, North Carolina and Florida. And if I hadn’t gone on a goofball Oral Roberts upset jag I would have five. As a sports comedy writer I just couldn’t resist a team named Oral coming from behind.
The fact was they choked. (Rimshot)
Super Bowl winning quarterback Peyton Manning was the host of “Saturday Night Live.” He was pretty good except when he would audible and change all the sketches at the line of scrimmage;
“Check, no spit take, no spit take. Going with blow to the crotch, repeat, blow to the crotch.”
Here is my Peyton Manning sketch if I wrote for “SNL”
Peyton runs up to the huddle:
Peyton
“We don’t have much time. Here’s the play. We are going to run a hot route, K-75 g-hitch bee bop two-step drop Schenectady skiddle slapper on four.”
Lineman:
“Uh, I don’t like that play.”
Peyton:
“Why not?”
Lineman:
“Well, it goes to the left.”
Peyton:
“So?”
Lineman:
“Well if we go to the left, that could be interpreted as an indication of our political leanings thus us being unsupportive of our military policy in Iraq and a sign of disrespect to our troops at a sensitive time.”
Peyton:
“Fine, good point, we’ll run it to the right.”
Wide Receiver:
(Very campy lilting voice)
“Wait a sec, Skippy.”
Peyton:
“Now what?”
Wide Receiver:
“Going right could be viewed as us being conservative and thus agreeing with that homophobic scary witch Ann Coulter who just called John Edwards that nasty gay slur F-word”
Peyton
“What the hell do you care, you’re a wide-receiver?”
Wide Receiver:
“About that, I find the term wide receiver also to be a pejorative gay slur.”
Peyton:
“We don’t have time for this. OK, instead of wide receiver what should we call you?”
Wide Receiver:
“A tight end”
Peyton:
“OK, you’re a tight end.”
New Tight End:
“A really, really tight end.” (slaps his own butt)
Peyton:
“OK, you’re a really really tight end. Now let’s go. Hot route, K-75 g-hitch bee bop two-step drop Schenectady skiddle slapper . . . up the middle . . .”
New Really Really Tight End
(terribly excited)
“ . . . oh goody.”
Peyton:
“. . . on two.”
Another lineman:
“Wait a second. (Points over to the ball) Is that ball pig skin?
Peyton
(Growing very agitated)
“Yes, it’s pig skin. So what?”
Another Lineman:
“Oh, that just won’t work for me. I’m a Vegan.”
Peyton:
(Steamed)
“OK, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore. He won’t run to the left, he won’t go the right and he wants to be a called a tight end because wide receiver isn’t quite gay enough and now this idiot decides he can’t play with a pig skin because he’s a freakin’ Vegetarian?”
Another Lineman :
“Excuse me, Vegan”
Peyton:
“Oh, please forgive me, Vegan. Are you kidding me? I quit!” (Manning storms off)
(They silently watch Manning storm off)
New Really, Really Tight End:
“What a bitch.”
Remaining Huddle:
“What a primma donna. It’s all about him, isn’t it? Those quarterbacks are such divas.”
Cut to: Spinning Newspaper stops to reveal headline:
“Peyton Hates the Troops?”
Another headlind:
“Teammates Say Manning Difficult”
Another headline shouts:
“Homophobic Star QB?”
And another headline screams:
“Peyton the Animal Killer”
And the final headline:
“Rosie Rants Against Insensitive Football Star.”
And scene.
(Roaring applause)
Since you asked:
Looking good in the NCAA pool. Still have four of the final eight. Kansas, Ohio State, North Carolina and Florida. And if I hadn’t gone on a goofball Oral Roberts upset jag I would have five. As a sports comedy writer I just couldn’t resist a team named Oral coming from behind.
The fact was they choked. (Rimshot)
posted by Alex at
11:55 AM
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