Saturday, December 30, 2006

It is hard out here

If the conflict between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump gets any worse, they might have to bring in Jesse Jackson. “In order to restore order, Rosie must ignore the comb-over.”

Paris Hilton is spending New Year’s in Australia. In Australia, Paris’s dignity goes down the drain the opposite way.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

It is hard out here

Say it ain’t so
The most popular Britney Spears Fan website is shutting down. It just became too labor intensive to constantly have to pixelate on the pictures where Britney’s panties should have been.  
The site sort of became like Britney’s ex-husband, Kevin Federline: not worth supporting.

Friends of Britney Spears worry that Paris Hilton is trying to use Britney to boost Paris’s foundering singing career. Apparently Paris thinks that, with Britney’s pull, next time Paris could possibly produce a CD that somebody might actually want to buy.  

Since you asked:

Folks, it is that time of year when newspapers, TV shows and magazines resort to that cheap, tacky, lazy end-of-the-year best of lists. Well, we here at A.L.b.b. are no better. Here is a review of my top ten jokes of the year.

10, That one about Paris Hilton being a real skank.

9, That one about Donald Trump’s goofy comb-over.

8, That one about Kevin Federline being useless white trash.

7, Oh, that hilarious joke about Kirsty Alley and the elephant.

6, And who could forget the one about Keefer Richards boinking his head falling out of the cocoanut tree.

5, And that one. You know, that one.

4, Man, did I nail Star Jones that one time about her fake marriage with that screamer, what’s his name.

3, Hah, hah, hah, hew, this one is amazing.

2, This one kind of sucked actually.

1, I can’t remember this one.

It is hard out here

We kid the Keefer because we care
Not to be too morbid, but now with James Brown and President Ford passing, the theory that celebrity deaths happen in threes has people guessing who is next. Who do they think will be the next celebrity to go? Let’s just say don’t rush out and buy and Rolling Stones tickets.

James Brown’s body rested in state on the stage at the Apollo Theater in Harlem. The sad part? Even though he was dead, Brown still performed on stage better than Kevin Federline.

The FDA has approved the use of meat from cloned animals. But you still might want to avoid the Taco Bell item that contains cloned meat: the Burrito El Repeato.

(Hey, I like that one)

It is hard out here

This just in:
Paris Hilton is spending New Year’s in Australia. In Australia, Paris’s inheritance goes down the drain the opposite way.

The Memphis Grizzlies fired coach Mike Fratello after the team had the worst record in the National Basketball Association. How bad are the Memphis Grizzlies? They have a win for every grizzly bear there is in Memphis.

More photographs have emerged of the dethroned Miss Nevada engaging in public lesbian acts in a bar with hot women. If you want to see them go to

It is hard out here

Lay down the bogizzy and play that funkizzy musicizzy ‘til you dieizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A couple of days following James Brown’s death, it has been announced that director Spike Lee has signed on to make a movie about Brown. Hasn’t Brown’s family had enough bad news this week?

Well at least they aren’t bitter
In the war of the Rosie, Rosie O’Donnell called Donald Trump a pimp; Trump replied that Rosie was a degenerate and a mental midget. It’s nice to see celebrities spreading holiday cheer and joy.

In the war of the Rosie, Rosie O’Donnell called Donald Trump a pimp; these two should focus on all that they have in common, like the fact that the only reason pretty women like them is because of their money.

Wow, Rosie is getting scarier and scarier. Now I know why Danny DeVito had to appear on the “The View” drunk.

To give you an idea how scary Rosie O’Donnell has become, in prison, she could make Martha Stewart her bitch.

This just in:
Paris Hilton is spending New Year’s in Australia. In Australia, Paris’s popularity goes down the drain the opposite way.

While Paris Hilton is visiting Australia, it is known as the land going down under.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

It is hard out here

Happy Boxing Day, and watch out for that jab, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It has been cold and rainy lately. It is so cold I am shaking like Rosie O’Donnell’s anger management therapist.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The day after Christmas in England is called boxing day. Upon hearing this, President Bush said; “And to think I didn’t know the English liked those Rocky movies.”

Not my scene
The sixth Rocky movie is out, “Rocky Balboa.” I don’t want to imply that Sylvester Stallone is running out of ideas, but I’m not sure the scene worked where Rocky tries to kidnap Pamela Anderson.

Very different
President Gerald Ford passed away at 93. Ford became President in 1973 when things were very different, conflict in the middle east caused gas prices to rise, the Rolling Stones were on tour and Sylvester Stallone was planning to launch a movie about a boxer named Rocky Balboa.

Sadly, President Gerald Ford passed away a day after singer James Brown; on the bright side, this is the first time Gerald Ford and James Brown have ever had anything in common.

It is really sad that all of these good people like President Ford and James Brown are dying, especially when you realize that their absence leaves more people around like Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline.

That time of year
Traditionally, the time between Christmas and New Years is a very tough time to get anything done at work. People can't be productive and they end up doing absolutely nothing. Or as Kevin Federline calls that: a typical day.

Since you asked:

There is a rumor circulating that the reason for the huge surge in totally untalented celebrities like Paris Hilton, Brandon Davis and Kevin Federline, is because they are actually minions of Satan on a mission to destroy the moral fabric of our culture and society.

Personally, I don’t believe it.

In order for Satan to choose someone for the considerable task of turning the masses of good people into evil people, they would have to have the talent to turn good in to evil. And if there is one thing we know about Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline and Brandon Davis, it is that they have absolutely no talent. Even for evil.

It has been said that in order for evil to exist, many good people have to do nothing about stopping the publicity for Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline and Brandon Davis.

P.S. If you are like a lot of people, you are now asking "Who the hell is Brandon Davis?" Trust me, if you don't know who Brandon Davis is, that says many, many good things about you.

That goes for Kevin and Paris as well.

Remember the good old days when our idea of an untalented celebrity was Madonna? Proof that whores, ugly buildings and politicians all get respectable with age.

Here is a new feature we call:

Lex dishes inside comedy dirt

"Saturday Night Live" was enjoying quite a resurgence and this was before "My D*ck In A Box."

Even with the huge loss of Tina Fey, the current cast is talented and strong. Including the reccuring characters of "Two Assh*les" with Kristin Wiig and Jason Sudekeis.

My inside scoop says that those characters were inspired by Paris Hilton and Paris's much-Tina-Fey-maligned turn as a host. Vapid, self-absorbed, mouth-breathing morons? What's hard to believe?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It is hard out here

This just in:

In Spain, paleontologists have discovered a dinosaur that had short stocky legs but weighed 40 to 48 tons. It’s called the Rosie O’Donnellasuaras.

Correction: The newly discovered 40 plus ton dinosaur is actually called Rosie O'Donnell-lick-a-lot-o-puss.

It is hard out here

We got ants in our pants and we need to dance, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sadly, Singer James Brown passed away at 73. Do you know what got him? Ironically, he didn’t feel good.

That should do it
NBC has a new reality TV show where contestants are picked to play the lead roles in a Broadway production of “Grease” called “You’re The One That I Want.” This is for people who thought “Dancing With The Stars” just wasn’t gay enough.

Not since then:
The Miami Dolphins lost to the New York Jets 13-10 in a pathetic display of quarterbacking by both the Jets Chad Pennington and the Dolphins Joey Harrington. In fact this was the worst display of quarterback inability since Ryan Leaf was drafted.

Since you asked, Holiday spirit:
We had a wonderful Christmas and Christmas dinner yesterday. Our good friends and next door neighbors invited us over. It was a modern-day Norman Rockwell painting. Really nice folks laughing and telling stories. Afterwards we sat around and sang Christmas Carols complete with a black Labrador named Sidney wagging his tail in time with the music. Our eight-year-old, Ann Caroline, loved it. No, in case you were worried for our neighbors, I did not sing.

A tradition was also started last night where everyone takes turn holding a silver bell, you say what you hope for in the new year, ring the bell and pass it on. The hopes ranged from the silly – mine – to a mother’s tearful prayer that her beautiful daughter’s cancer will go away.

Our neighbor, Mike, brought up a good point that gifts are important at Christmas, and he was right. His point was that gifts come from people for people and they offer tangible expressions of care and love.

With the crushing onslaught of barely-post-Halloween Christmas advertising and the blood- thirsty competition for the Christmas dollar, it is easy to grow cynical and weary of the commercialism of selling Christmas.

But what could be more wonderful than the sight of my beautiful daughter on Christmas morning unwrapping her doll and beaming with joy?

Who doesn’t remember their favorite Christmas present?

In third grade, I was obsessed with getting a metallic-gold Schwinn five-speed Stingray with a banana seat and upright handlebars with a windshield. From the second I saw it posed at some magical place called Knotts Berry Farm in the Schwinn catalog, it was pure love.

When you ask your parents for an unreasonable gift, like a pony or a real gun or knife, they give you the instant and emphatic no. But when they give you the “We’ll see . . .” that is as a good as a yes. And that is what my parents, despite my unrelenting pleading, gave me constantly, “We’ll see . . .” That shiny gold Stingray was as good as mine.

Christmas morning I flew down the stairs with the image of the Stingray parked by the tree dancing in my head. But when I ran into the living room and I saw the tree, something was horribly wrong. No bike.

In a split second my heart sank and my throat clutched tight.

But a split second later, something wonderful happened: as I looked over at my parents standing there drinking their coffee and smiling in their bathrobes and pajamas, I decided that I was simply not going to ruin Christmas with a tantrum or even a snivel or whine, even though the hugest part of me was screaming to do just that.

It was right then and there that I realized that Christmas and my parents were much more important to me than any bicycle could ever be. With the most self-control I’d ever had to muster in all of my eight years, I sat down, smiled, opened and handed out presents and had a great time, even though the whole while, I still had the bike in my mind.

Finally, to get on with my life, I decided that my parents were absolutely right to teach me this hard but valuable lesson. You shouldn’t get something that you want too much. Maybe I would get the bike for my August 15th birthday, which at that time seemed about ten to twenty years away.

After all the presents, even the stockings, were opened, my Dad casually said;

“Oh, Alex, I think there might be one more thing.”

Just as pretty as you please, Dad walked to the back of the living room by the book shelves and, lo and behold, hiding on the carpet behind the couch, he produced the most beautiful shiny metallic gold Stingray with a banana seat and upright handlebars - complete with a windshield - anyone has ever seen. My vertical leap improved three feet on the spot and I didn’t come down for over a month.

To put it in perspective, I was so happy I decided to forgive my parents for cruelly torturing me for one hour, which, in little-kid-wanting-a-bike-for-Christmas time is about, oh, eight days.

That bike had been given to me and then taken away and then given back all in about one hour’s time. And my parents got the gift of pride at seeing their head-strong, typically self-absorbed eight-year-old boy swallow his disappointment and put the spirit of Christmas ahead of the commercial, to quote the lady searching for the fire engine at Macys in “Miracle on 34th Street."

That bike has long been destroyed by rust and decay, but the image of that Christmas is still strong as it was that morning. It was also our first not-white Christmas after five years in Winnetka which was just fine with me because, with no snow, and temperatures in the unseasonably warm mid-forties, I could ride my new bike all day. It was a veritable Christmas miracle.

Christmas is about gifts. Especially to those in need of a little help. No, you don’t love an object like you love a relative, spouse, friend or pet. But, as any car freak can tell you, or the woman gazing at her beautiful engagement ring, or the young family who just bought their first house, the love of an inanimate object ain’t always all that far behind.

And you should have seen the look on the neighborhood bully Tommy Berger's face when he saw that bike.

Now that is a treasured memory.

P.S. There will never, ever be another James Brown. Why should there be? There wasn’t anything like him before him. The man was a born entertainer/singer/dancer/rock star. Sure, he had personal demons, which is being-nice-to-a-dead-guy talk for an alcoholic drug addict, but he was also an amazing artist and philanthropist.

My favorite James Brown story is that the Rolling Stones were asked if they would care to go on before James Brown on a variety show. Jagger bristled saying the Stones did not go on before anyone. Suit yourself, came the reply.

Well, Brown came out and tore the lid off the dump, including his patented being-carried-from-the-stage-wrapped-in-a-coat-rushing-back-to-the-stage-falling-to-his-knees ending.

A horrified Mick Jagger at first refused to try and follow James Brown, but when told of the inevitable breach-of-contract lawsuit, the Stones went out. Until this point, Jagger was strictly a sing-at-the-microphone-stand singer like the Beatles and everyone else at the time.

Faced with the daunting task of trying to follow Brown, Jagger, for the first time, abandoned his normal act and jumped, and flounced and strutted and rooster walked and essentially invented what he still does today.

P.P.S: Funniest thing on television this year? “SNL’s” “My D*ck in a Box”

Sunday, December 24, 2006

It is hard out here

Merizzy Chrisizzy up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Queen is going to Knight U2’s Bono; it was awkward, upon hearing Bono would be knighted, President Bush said, “Oh, that’s nice, are they going to knight Cher too?”

Go Figure
The NFL Playoff picture is a mess. Here is what we know for sure. The San Diego Chargers are in, The Chicago Bears are in and the Oakland Raiders are in but only if every other team eats at Taco Bell.

Oh, snap
Legal experts in Iraq had predicted that, if everything had gone well at Saddam Hussein’s trial, he would be hung by now; this also marks the first time that the words Saddam Hussein and well hung have ever appeared together.