Saturday, December 09, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh, we gonna get on it like we own it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Slight problem
Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were supposed to host the Billboard Music Awards but they had to drop out. Apparently there was a panties-mandatory dress code.

Sous le lit
France has launched its own International news channel, “France 24.” They announced they will broadcast the news through French eyes. So apparently they will cover the war in Iraq from underneath their bed in Paris.

He is all overt the place
Vice President Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, Mary Cheney, is pregnant. Man, that Bill Clinton is relentless.

So he is getting work
There is a new movie out about the F-word, “F*CK”. It is narrated by Michael Richards.

The movie “F*ck” is not, repeat, not about the reaction of Dick Cheney when he found out his daughter was pregnant.

Scientists say they have discovered a cure for erectile dysfunction that only requires one needle injection into the penis; in a related story, the latest cause of erectile dysfunction is hearing the phrase “one needle injection into the penis.”

Something not-so-special in the air
An American Airlines flight to Nashville was forced to land after a passenger lit matches to disguise her severe flatulence. The offending passenger was banned from flying American Airlines for a long time. On the bright side, she sold her story to Larry the Cable guy.

Since you asked:
If you are in to the show “Heroes” I want you to know that I have the oddest and most useless super power. Just by starting to nod off for a snooze, I can make the phone ring. If anyone can figure out how I can harness this power for good, let me know.

As I am prone to have a touch of insomnia, I came up with a technique that worked last night. Tell yourself that sleep is a vacation for your brain; a vacation where you can go anywhere despite the cost. So, as you lie down, prepare to plan your vacation, i.e. where you are going to dream. Start out in Maui, go to Sidney Australia, then the Swiss Alps. Money and time are not concerns, neither is the fact that it is somewhere you’ve never been.

(They say Spain’s pretty, though I’ve never been/ Daniel says it’s the best place he’s ever, ever seen and/ He should know he’s been there enough)

Then when you have settled on your itinerary of where you are going to go to sleep and dream, then go to Maui in your head, for example, and then start thinking of the last good dream you had. Try to remember the buildings, the people, the events. Then you will soon get that wonderful light and restful feeling of handing your brain over to your dream. In no time, things are starting to pop into your head that are a total surprise to you and now you have actually begun to sleep.

And then the frickin’ phone will ring.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

It is hard out here

You best square yourself correct-like and start producing Tiffany Cufflinks toot sweet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Finally, good news for K-Fed
In sad news, George Clooney’s pig Max passed away; on the bright side, Kevin Federline has moved up a notch on the “People” world’s sexiest man list.

Ripped and Torn
Did you see the D.U.I. mug shot of actor Rip Torn? Even Nick Nolte is laughing at that one. The only question is, is he more ripped or torn?

Not close
Kevin Federline is negotiating to star in his own reality show. Oh, please, K-Fed is as close to reality as Britney Spears is to a pair of panties.

Spencer Gifts is causing a controversy because it is selling a Christmas decoration that depicts two snowmen having sex. It says “Seasons greetings from “Brokeback Mountain.” You wouldn’t believe what they did with the carrots.

At Sea World in San Diego, last week, a killer whale attacked a trainer. Authorities first became suspicious the whale might be violent when they read its name. Hello? It’s called a killer whale. It is not a “Let’s snuggle and spoon” whale.

Nerd fest
This is an exciting time for Fantasy Football players, the playoffs begin this week, Play Station 3 went on sale, and the subject of the poster in their bathroom, Pamela Anderson, is now single.

An epidemic
A study from Denmark claims that using cell phones does not cause brain cancer. Using a cell phone in crowded public places can, however, cause rudeness, annoyance and severe inconsideration.

Since you asked:

Check out Home Biscuit up in this up in here. Sure, I know those guys Feldman, Ray and Bates, but not sure who those other two guys are.,0,6005100.story?coll=ny-viewpoints-headlines

Oh, and check out this up in here up in here.

Oh yeah, buuuhhhhbeeeeee, we all on it.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

It is hard out here

Get wit’ it and hit it like it did it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yo Playa
The late rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard has released an album that is doing well; this proves that even a dead rapper is more talented than Kevin Federline.

How cold was it?
Man it has been cold. This morning I was shaking like Kevin Federline writing a check.

Sea World of trouble
More trouble at Sea World in San Diego, last week, a killer whale attacked a trainer. And today the passive aggressive whale showed up really late for rehearsal.

More trouble at Sea World in San Diego, last week, a killer whale attacked a trainer. And today the blow fish was charged with lewd conduct.

More trouble at Sea World in San Diego, last week, a killer whale attacked a trainer. And you don’t even want to know what happened today with the trainer of the humpback whale.

At Sea World in San Diego, last week, a killer whale attacked a trainer. Did you know the officials at Sea World object to the name killer whale? They prefer the term non-homicidally-challenged whale.

We don’t care as long as his brother Michael stops singing
John Bolton, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, will step down this month. Bolton wants to spend more time bullying his family with his pompous arrogance.

Bolton will, however, continue his side career as a Captain Kangaroo look-alike.

Not good
Senator Hillary Clinton is asking fellow lawmakers if she should run for President in 2008. The good news for Hillary is that she is getting encouragement to run from key legislators. The bad news for Hillary? The encouragement is coming from the republicans.

Senator Hillary Clinton is asking fellow lawmakers if she should run for President in 2008. Many feel Hilary would make a good president. For one thing, Hilary picks good people so, unlike her husband, nobody in the oval office would really suck.

The first time
Wednesday is the anniversary of when the Washington Monument was completed in 1884. It is also the anniversary of the first time somebody said; “Is it just me or does that look like a giant penis?”

What’s in a name?
Despite Chicago’s defense-led 23-13 win over the Minnesota Vikings, Bears quarterback, Rex Grossman, was horrible with three interceptions. In fact, this performance makes Grossman the most aptly surnamed bad quarterback since the old St. Louis Cardinals’ Fred Dudeyousuck.

Hi, my name is Lindsay and I am a panty-less alcoholic
Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, announced that Lindsay is attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. In a related story, apparently Dina is not familiar with the word anonymous.

Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, announced that Lindsay is attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but that Lindsay has not quit drinking. Lindsay still drinks but goes to A.A. meetings. That’s like going to a sexual addiction meeting with Paris Hilton as your date.

The good news is that Lindsay Lohan is attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. The bad news? While taking one of her twelve steps, Lindsay crashed into someone.

More trouble at Sea World following the attack on the trainer by the killer whale.

The Narcissist whale bumped its head trying to kiss itself in the mirror.

The Low-Self Esteem Whale had drunk sex with the Bad-comb-over Whale

The A.D.D. Whale dived into the tank before it was finished being filled with water.

The Openly Gay Whale played “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on the Seal’s horns.

Monday, December 04, 2006

It is hard out here

Snap whappy happy Captain Pappy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold was it?
Man it has been cold. This morning I was shaking like Kevin Federline writing a check.

Unranked UCLA upset #2 ranked USC Saturday, 13-9. In retrospect, many feel that SC coach Pete Carroll should have let his quarterback, John David Booty, call his own plays. Because, as everybody knows, you can’t lose with a Trojan Booty call.

How ‘bout 'dem Gauchos?

How about those Gauchos? My beloved alma mater, the University of California at Santa Barbara, defeated the power house U.C.L.A. for the NCAA soccer title. To put that in perspective, this is Santa Barbara’s second national title, the first was in water polo. If UCLA had won? That would have been their 100th national title. Come on Gaucho Gold, just 98 to go.

If I know those sweet, kind, fun-loving, gorgeous coeds at UCSB - and lord knows, I did know them - those soccer players will be warmly received and thankful that, unlike during a soccer game, they can use their hands.

Somewhere even Gary Gaucho is smiling.

What a weekend. My Gauchos won a national championship, USC got beaten by UCLA, Ann Caroline’s soccer team clinched a spot in their Presidio Cup tournament final next Sunday, the Bears and the Chargers won and my Fantasy Football team, Thor’s Thunder, clinched a playoff spot.

And finally
It was so cold in Chicago, the Bears receivers nearly caught frostbite but, luckily, thanks to their
quarterback, Rex Grossman, they didn’t catch frostbite, it was intercepted.

After his last dismal three interception performance, Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman has to be the most aptly named bad quarterback since the old St. Louis Cardinals' Fred Dudeyousuck.

This is worth telling again:

This story came up again this weekend driving back and forth to Coronado for soccer games.

A couple of years ago, I was driving along with a then six-year-old Ann Caroline when a replay of my beloved radio sports guy, Cookie Chainsaw Randolph, came on at 5:20 pm on 101.5, KGB. I said to Ann Caroline;

"Hey, listen to these funny jokes."

Ann Caroline said;

"Dad, I know something you could say that is funny. Hannah (her best pal) said it today and everyone laughed and laughed."

"What?" I asked.


It is true, the classics are the classics.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

It is hard out here

     December 1, 2006

Post-Saturday-night-vodka-cheeseburger-fest-followed-by-scorching-hard-work-out-caffiene-fueld Rant

Friday night was off-the-hook. Our band, although off to a shaky start, rocked. One of the highlights was our stud guitarist Luke’s scorching and soulful “Red House” accompanied chillingly by you-know-who on soulful harp, if I do say so my self.

Saturday was awesome soccer wins for A.C. sandwiching a great run/roast-beef-sandwich and then a tasty.nap.

The most boring sentence in the world begins with “I had the weirdest dream” but I had the weirdest dream.

A friend of mine was showing me around this ultra hip and modern commune where the best and the coolest and the fittest worked, lived and entertained.

There was a cafeteria/restaurant that followed a health regimen of only serving the same colored food for a week. One week only yellow, lots of saffron, corn, squash, pumpkins, etc. Folks looked forward to brown week.

But the thing that really stuck out was this ultra cool work out facility. At first glance it looked normal with dumbbells, fitness balls, jump ropes and an aerobic room. Except for the fact that the entire rubber floor randomly tilted five to eight degrees, giving you a core workout even if you were only standing there, let alone running in place or doing push ups.

That will teach me not to wake up at four and down a microwave’d hot dog with a grape and cranberry juice.