Friday, November 24, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Pay attention
For those trying to keep track, Rosie O’Donnell is mad at Kelly Ripa who is mad at Clay Aiken, who was on the A.M.A. show where host Jimmy Kimmel did a skit making fun of Kevin Federline that made Britney Spears mad and Michael Richards told them all to shut the F up.

The President Bush pardoned a turkey today: Michael Richards.

One place you don’t want to be this Thanksgiving is at O.J. Simpson’s house. Can you imagine? already furious at losing his lucrative book deal, and then he picks up a carving knife? Run.

Yesterdiddy was the busiest bar business day of the year. More people go to a bar for a drink today than on St. Patricks day. That’s because your relatives don’t come over on St. Patricks Day.

Top things overheard this Thanksgiving in Hollywood.

Don’t worry, Mr. Mel Gibson, there is no such thing as a Jewish turkey.

Sorry, Mr. Michael Richards, but I believe that Margarita recipe calls for two Jiggers of tequila.

Sorry, Mister Federline, but Britney is not letting you back in the house for Thanksgiving.

Please, Paris Hilton, for the last time, we know the turkey is hot.

We’re not positive, Miss Jessica Simpson, but for a Turducken, we are pretty sure the chicken and duck go in the turkey before you cook it.

“The Views” Rosie O’Donnell is angry at Kelly Ripa for a comment that Kelly made after Clay Aiken put his hand on Kelly’s mouth, Rosie felt it was homophobic. Good thing Clay didn’t put his hand in front of Rosie’s mouth or he’d be missing a hand.

“The Views” Rosie O’Donnell is angry at Kelly Ripa for a comment that Kelly made after Clay Aiken put his hand on Kelly’s mouth, that Rosie felt was homophobic. The problem? Clay Aiken has never said he was gay. Apparently the O in O’Donnell stands for outing.

At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. The ironic part about this? That high school’s team name is the Trojans.

Thanks to a $200 million ad campaign, the Army has a new motto: Army Strong. That’s $100 million a word. And you thought it was expensive to buy a vowel on “Wheel of Fortune.”

Thanks to a $200 million ad campaign, the Army has a new motto: Army Strong. That’s $100 million a word. Those are the most expensive words since Paul McCartney said; “We don’t need a prenuptial agreement, Heather.”

Since you asked:
Went for a nice run on a beautiful day fueled with my iPod scooting me along the way. Remember, Rock and Roll ain’t noise pollution, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Great way to start Thanksgiving. Now I gots me an adult beverage I call a Blue bomber, Kettle One and blueberry and pomegranate. Neeeeee skiddidididly nah hah hah

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Oh snap, dang, we gonna hang with it ‘till it ain’t nothin’ but a thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Turkey Day
Demi Moore is on “TTSWJL”. This is a big Thanksgiving for Demi Moore and Ashton Kucher; this year Ashton moves from the kid’s card table to the grown up big table.

Some Kinky folk
It was a little embarrassing when President Bush was informed that Trent Lott was now the minority whip; Bush said; “Man, those congressmen are getting kinkier all the time.”

We can only hope
Tyra Banks and her entire audience wore under wear on a panty party show on “Tyra.” Let us all pray that this idea doesn’t spread to Rosie O’Donnell on “The View.”

How about this way?
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy this weekend. If you want to get them a wedding present they are registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond Belief.”

I love you long time
Guests of the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding said the couple engaged in a three minute kiss to seal their ceremony; that’s about twenty minutes in fake kissing time.

Go figure
Immoral publisher, Judith Regan, has paid OJ Simpson to write a book on how he would have committed the double murders. This is by far the most despicable thing that has happened in a week with a guy having sex with a dead deer.

What are you looking at, Sugar Lips?
Michael Richards, who played Kramer on “Seinfeld” repeatedly yelled the N-word at two black men who were heckling him at a comedy club. Richards tried to cover himself by explaining he was working on his Mel Gibson impression.

Oh, that explains it
A couple was arrested for having sex on a Southwest flight from North Carolina to California. The couple claims it was a misunderstanding due to their being from North Carolina. They say they were just trying to signal the flight attendant for a pulled pork sandwich.

The couple was from North Carolina so he was trying to Raleigh her Durham if you know what I mean.

Yeah, right
Now slime-bag publisher Judith Regan claims she is publishing O.J. Simpson’s book for closure of her abuse. Yeah right, and that guy in Wisconsin had sex with the dead deer because it reminded him of his ex-wife.

Since you asked:

No lie, I have seen Michael Richards perform stand up. It was one of the most amazingly horrible experiences I’ve ever witnessed in comedy.

As I have done many times, I went to the Comedy Store on Sunset on a Thursday night after a taping of “TTSWJL” and after having many drinks at Dan Tana’s restaurant and my hotel, the Riot House, (The Hyatt) I traipsed over to see a comedian friend from San Diego perform in the small room.

In fairness it is a tough crowd. Everyone in Los Angeles is on a mission to look cool and apparently laughing is not considered cool. My buddy, Claude Shires, did well and he only got a few laughs from the sparse crowd. The joke at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles among the comedians is that you have a better chance of getting a sitcom than a laugh.

Then, low and behold, they introduce Michael Richards. Well, you could feel the excitement rise in the room. Damn if it isn’t Kramer from “Seinfeld.” And sure enough, he gets up and starts making Kramer-like facial expressions and moves and sounds and the place eats it up. For about one minute.

Then Richards starts in on his material. At first I thought, he was kidding. He can’t think this stuff is funny, does he? It was like a comedian making fun of really lame observational jokes. Remember when Cliffy from “Cheers” tried out his stand up routine? Except worse.

Never has a crowd of people ever grown to appreciate the good comedy writers from "Seinfeld" more than we did while watching Richards’s act.

Then it hit me: Richards is really being serious, these are really his attempt at jokes. How could someone who was so funny on a show be so bad as a comedian? Nobody is more sympathetic about bombing than I am. There have been more than a few times when I was on stage and things got sideways and I just couldn’t pull out of it. All it takes is two bad jokes in a row. But I couldn’t take this. This was so awful, for the first time in my life at a comedy show, I had to sneak out and leave because I could not take it.

But here is another factor. When I bomb on stage, it isn’t a big deal because nobody knows who the hell I am. The expectations are not high. When Kramer bombs the disappointment is huge.

So understanding that that was what was happening to Richards, I know that his frustration and adrenaline levels were high. At that point you are capable of saying or doing anything to pull out of it. Add on to that the anger you feel when some rude douche-bag heckles you and you can see how something regrettable could happen.

At every comedy show, there are always two or four cowardly drunks hiding in the dark who think everyone really came to see them shout out stupid things during the show. The a-holes who heckled and bated Richards are largely to blame, but there is no excuse for Richards using the N-word. None. Black people – especially black comedians - use the n-word all the time. White people cannot use that word ever. Period. Is that a double standard? You bet, but double standards exist and this is one of them.

Having said that, Richards's choice of words was just a really stupid and bad choice at a rough time and people need to let it go. We are all way, way too sensitive. (How much do you want to bet those douche-bag hecklers find equally douche-baggy lawyers and sue Richards?)

There is no doubt that Richards thought that, since black comedians use the n-word, it would be funny if he used it. Guess what? He was wrong. It wasn’t funny, it was horrible. Just like the rest of his act. Does this make Richards a racist? It sure doesn't help his case that he isn't. But did Richards commit a crime? No. Not until being a bad comedian becomes a crime.

And then Tom Arnold will get the death penalty.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Get wit’ it and hit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I, uh, I did not know that
Did you know the title of O.J. Simpson's book came from his publisher, Judith Regan? Yeah, she first used the title "If I Did It" to describe her experience with the entire New York Knicks organization.

Not too late
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy this weekend. If you want to get them a wedding present they are registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond All Hope.”

Wha’, wha’ wha’s that lady sayin’?
President Bush is touring Asia, there was kind of an awkward moment Bush had to ask an aide what it meant when a woman said; “Fifty dollar number one sucky.”

Not good
Germany is going to sue Donald Rumsfeld for crimes against humanity. That’s like the French suing you for lousy restaurant service.

Cha and ching
I had a good weekend I took the over and won on the Ohio State- Michigan game and I won the 24 hours over on the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes marriage.

Curiously strong
Two men have invented Tasty Golf Tees. The 25-cent tees come in flavors including mint, cherry, strawberry and grape. They are so strong they will knock the bitter taste of divorce out of John Daly’s mouth.

Since you asked:

Man, it don’t take much research to find out pretty fast that the now publicly despised decaying soul of horridly greedy evil publisher Judith Regan is even more despised in her personal life. People have described her as “The Devil Wears Prada” times ten.

One “friend” of Judith Regan, under the protective cloak of anonymity, described Regan as "The highest functioning deranged person I've ever known." Another described her as the angriest woman in the media, which is really saying something if you include Gloria Allred as a media figure, which I guess she is.

Here is my idea. Lock Paris Hilton, Gloria Allred, Judith Regan, Star Jones and Naomi Campbell in a room with one cell phone and a small hand-mirror and don't open the door until the last broken fake nail, capped tooth and torn- out hank of hair extension lands in a steaming stagnant pool of blood.

Have a wonderful weekend, everybody.