Too close to call
A catcher and a pitcher for the Kansas City Royals got in a nasty fight in the dugout. The fight started after an argument over who sucks more, the Royals or Paris Hilton.
Hate to hear that
The good news is that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had another baby; the bad news? Our nation’s average I.Q. just dropped.
The Los Angeles Dodgers blew a 7-0 lead to lose to the Chicago Cubs; how is that possible?
That’s like losing Employee-of-the-month to Kevin Federline.
That’s like losing Man of the Year to Clay Aiken.
But I tell ya
Britney Spears had her second baby boy. He was crying and crying when the doctor spanked his bottom. But enough about the father, Kevin Federline, the baby is doing fine.
Is that nice about the beautiful Garden State?
A new study shows Asian-American women living in New Jersey have the longest life expectancy in the nation. Upon closer reflection, they discovered that women in New Jersey didn’t actually live longer, it just seemed longer.
And she got caught showing pictures of her cat to the guard
In Chicago a 79-year-old woman was arrested for bank robbery. Police were able to apprehend her because she took so long adding the deposit to balance her checkbook.
Authorities first suspected her when she sent her grandson a $1,000 bill for his birthday instead of the normal check for five dollars.
Scientists have developed a device that will tell you if you are being boring in social situations. The device is set to go off if it hears the phrases; “I had the weirdest dream” “The Atkins diet” “Life Insurance” and “my Fantasy Football team.”
Can is just say eww?
Detroit Lions defensive-line coach Joe Cullen was recently arrested for driving nude. Good luck selling that car.
Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
An editorial in the “Wall Street Journal” says that America can win the war in Iraq if President Bush follows the example of Abraham Lincoln. It was awkward, President Bush said “I can’t follow the example of Abraham Lincoln. I’m not Jewish.”
Saw this one coming
The University of Northern Colorado's reserve punter, Mitch Cozad, was arrested, accused of stabbing his punting rival in his kicking leg. The knife was discovered hidden in a hollowed out copy of “The Tonya Harding Story.”
Since you asked:
Granted, I am no rock star, I play harmonica in a band with one good-looking guy in his twenties but the rest of us are in our forties and, well, overly aggressive groupies are not a big issue.
But what is with all of these up-and-comer bands who all look the same? They all dress in vintage clothing store gothic black or grunge, their hair is stringy and oily, they are pale and puffy and scrawny at the same time like they live in the dark on cigarettes Red Vines and Red Bull.
Whatever happened to rock is, well, it rhymes with rock? What ever happened to sexy and rock and roll? Are the Red Hot Chili Peppers going to go down in history as the last rock band with a stud lead singer? Compared to these new bands, in their prime, the Eagles looked like Brad Pitt in “Troy.” If it was up to me, I would name every one of these bands “Wedgie” or “Wet Willy” or “Swirley” because I am sure they received a ton of them in high school.
You know things are bad on the rock sex appeal landscape when John Mayer is one of the studliest acts going.
And, not to sound like an old guy or anything, but enough with the tattoos already. If everybody is a rebel then nobody is really a rebel.
If there is a young band out there that can actually play chords, write ballads, sing harmonies, play both acoustic and power rock songs, and looks like they all weren’t the last guys picked in gym class, I will be your manager because you are going to make a fortune.