Thursday, September 14, 2006

We gonna smack it back ‘til it on track, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Too close to call
A catcher and a pitcher for the Kansas City Royals got in a nasty fight in the dugout. The fight started after an argument over who sucks more, the Royals or Paris Hilton.

Hate to hear that
The good news is that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had another baby; the bad news? Our nation’s average I.Q. just dropped.

The Los Angeles Dodgers blew a 7-0 lead to lose to the Chicago Cubs; how is that possible?
That’s like losing Employee-of-the-month to Kevin Federline.

That’s like losing Man of the Year to Clay Aiken.

But I tell ya
Britney Spears had her second baby boy. He was crying and crying when the doctor spanked his bottom. But enough about the father, Kevin Federline, the baby is doing fine.

Is that nice about the beautiful Garden State?
A new study shows Asian-American women living in New Jersey have the longest life expectancy in the nation. Upon closer reflection, they discovered that women in New Jersey didn’t actually live longer, it just seemed longer.

And she got caught showing pictures of her cat to the guard
In Chicago a 79-year-old woman was arrested for bank robbery. Police were able to apprehend her because she took so long adding the deposit to balance her checkbook.

Authorities first suspected her when she sent her grandson a $1,000 bill for his birthday instead of the normal check for five dollars.

Scientists have developed a device that will tell you if you are being boring in social situations. The device is set to go off if it hears the phrases; “I had the weirdest dream” “The Atkins diet” “Life Insurance” and “my Fantasy Football team.”

Can is just say eww?
Detroit Lions defensive-line coach Joe Cullen was recently arrested for driving nude. Good luck selling that car.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
An editorial in the “Wall Street Journal” says that America can win the war in Iraq if President Bush follows the example of Abraham Lincoln. It was awkward, President Bush said “I can’t follow the example of Abraham Lincoln. I’m not Jewish.”

Saw this one coming
The University of Northern Colorado's reserve punter, Mitch Cozad, was arrested, accused of stabbing his punting rival in his kicking leg. The knife was discovered hidden in a hollowed out copy of “The Tonya Harding Story.”

Since you asked:
Granted, I am no rock star, I play harmonica in a band with one good-looking guy in his twenties but the rest of us are in our forties and, well, overly aggressive groupies are not a big issue.

But what is with all of these up-and-comer bands who all look the same? They all dress in vintage clothing store gothic black or grunge, their hair is stringy and oily, they are pale and puffy and scrawny at the same time like they live in the dark on cigarettes Red Vines and Red Bull.

Whatever happened to rock is, well, it rhymes with rock? What ever happened to sexy and rock and roll? Are the Red Hot Chili Peppers going to go down in history as the last rock band with a stud lead singer? Compared to these new bands, in their prime, the Eagles looked like Brad Pitt in “Troy.” If it was up to me, I would name every one of these bands “Wedgie” or “Wet Willy” or “Swirley” because I am sure they received a ton of them in high school.

You know things are bad on the rock sex appeal landscape when John Mayer is one of the studliest acts going.

And, not to sound like an old guy or anything, but enough with the tattoos already. If everybody is a rebel then nobody is really a rebel.

If there is a young band out there that can actually play chords, write ballads, sing harmonies, play both acoustic and power rock songs, and looks like they all weren’t the last guys picked in gym class, I will be your manager because you are going to make a fortune.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

It is hard out here

Do you feel like I do? R-O-C-K in the USA, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Please excuse the Seventies arena rock out flashback)

Detroit Lions defensive-line coach Joe Cullen was recently arrested for driving nude. Apparently he is more talented at coaching than he is at strip poker.

He was charged with one count each of obscene and indecent conduct and one count of improper treatment of leather upholstery.

Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for calling Assembly woman Bonnie Garcia a hot-blooded Latina. What Arnold meant to call her was a feisty, hoochie-mamma spicy-brown Chiquita.

Used to it
Jerry Springer is on “Dancing with the Stars.” Jerry should do pretty well, he is used to a show where they choreograph the white trash.

Where’s Waldo?
ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” was on last night. Apparently the object is to try and find the star.

Or something like that
Tom Cruise was shown on ESPN’s “Monday Night Football” in Dan Snyder, the Redskin’s owner’s box. Snyder is financially backing Cruise’s movies. No word yet on the name of their production company but I vote for SMS; “Short Man’s Syndrome.”

Love it
The San Diego Chargers rolled over a weak Oakland Raiders, 27-0. As always, the best part of beating the Raiders in Oakland is picturing all the black and silver face-painted black hole idiots with skulls on their spiked shoulder pads moping back to their car.

Pick ‘em
Who in sports looks like the biggest losers? The idiots who wave to the TV camera yammering in their cell phones, “Do you see me? Do you see me?” or the silver and black face painted Oakland Raider black hole chuckle heads trudging to their cars after a humiliating Raiders loss?

Since you asked:
Did you know that, on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” actor James Woods told that he reported the suspicious behavior of four Arab men on United Flight 11 from Boston to Los Angeles a week or so before September 11th? The FAA threw out the report and did nothing due to fear of being accused of racial profiling.

Turns out that two of the men that Woods reported on did fly the planes into the World Trade Center. Nothing was done to investigate or alter their conspicuous actions due to the FAA’s fear of a backlash from the P.C. Nazis.

Folks, there it is. What more proof do we need to know that the terrorists used our own political correctness against us to murder almost three thousand innocent, hard-working people?

Due to emotional bribery by a strident overly entitled minority, we have become so paralyzed at the threat of lawsuits or bad publicity, that we can’t even speak the truth even if it saves lives. The truth was that four sinister Arab men on a flight behaving suspiciously should have been easy to stop.

On a lighter note

Britney Spears had another kid. In a related story, our collective average I.Q. just dropped five points.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

It is hard out here

September 11th, five years later.

In case you wanted to know, I just ate a hot dog with mustard and onions and washed it down with a Budweiser beer. What more proof do you need that we live in a great country?

It is hard to believe it’s been five years since everybody in this country shared a horrible loss. It is if we were all related to the same person who died in a terrible tragedy.

But one of the few bright spots is that, for once, we got to focus on how great the vast majority of Americans really are. In an entertainment and media culture that spends way too much time focusing on the negatives like corrupt politicians, felonious million-dollar athletes, drug addicts, killers and Paris Hilton, we got to shine a light on the countless millions of kind-hearted and hard working people who were deeply hurt that day and were moved to do something about it.

As David Letterman described so well soon after the attack, a small Montana agricultural town, hurt financially by drought, called a town meeting and raised thousands of dollars to send to New York. As Dave choked up he said, “If that doesn’t tell you what you need to know, well, I can’t help you.”

With most everybody, albeit amazingly calmly and patiently, trying to get out of New York on September 11th, how about the thousands of people from the often-hip-New-Yorker-maligned “Bridge and Tunnel crowd” from New Jersey and Brooklyn, who were trying to get in to New York to help out and donate blood?

Unlike what a lot of people believe from what they see on “Access Hollywood,” most people are not famous and rich. Most people work hard everyday to take care of their loved ones. Most of the time nobody ever pays any attention to these people who simply are the backbone of our country.

On or around September 17th, I flew to Louisville Kentucky for a meeting. The airports were ghost towns, the airplanes were all but empty. The few of us who did travel felt a bond and gave a nod of “good for you.”

As I prepared to land in Louisville, I began to wonder what kind of impact this attack had on people so physically and emotionally removed from New York City. In all candor, for better and for worse, you can’t get much different in American cities than Louisville and New York, so I prepared myself to not be upset or surprised if my birthplace felt a little ambivalent or removed from all of that pain.

I’ve been wrong about things before, and I’ll be wrong about things again, but rarely have I been so wrong. You could see the tortured agony in the face of those wonderful, sweet, kind Louisville people. There wasn’t a window without a flag or a shirt without an American flag button. And I don’t remember hearing one word spoken in hatred about the attackers, it was only about the sadness, empathy and the hot tears of frustration for the victims and their families.

It reminded me how proud I am of all of us.

Well, except Paris Hilton.

Vinny “boom batz” Abate, hoisted a couple to you last night. For a guy who used to say forgetaboutit a lot, we sure as hell aren’t going to.
Keeping it real to the peel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not again
The Bush administration has declared a war on obesity. Right now they are searching for weapons of mass digestion.

Another term for it
Rumor is that Heather Locklear has broken up with David Spade. Or as Heather calls it, David is in a time out.

If Bush’s war on obesity goes as well as the war in Iraq and the war on pornography, buy stock in Krispy Kreme donuts.

Realistic goal setting
An editorial in the “Wall Street Journal” says that America can win the war in Iraq if President Bush follows the example of Abraham Lincoln. Is Lincoln a realistic goal? Instead maybe Bush should first shoot for Forrest Gump.

Not clear on that concept
Paris Hilton said she was speeding because she was in a hurry for a hamburger. At least I think that’s what Parish meant when she said she wanted a quick In and Out.

You know that creepy polygamist, Warren Steed Jeffs? The guy had 70 wives. How is that possible? “What did I do this weekend? Played golf, worked on the yard, watched the big game, married three more women, went bowling. How about you?”

70 wives? Most guys have to work full time at not pissing off one wife and we still fail.

70 wives? They didn’t need to arrest him, just showed him a list of all of his upcoming anniversaries and he turned himself in. “Lock me up, please.”

Jeffs faces serious prison time, so on the one hand, he will face constant violence, gang rapes and the vilest food imaginable. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to deal with 70 wives.

The guy has seventy wives and is looking at serious prison time. So at least, in prison, he will have a lot more freedom.

Seventy wives. “Honey, I’m going to the store, honey, I’m going to the store, honey, I’m going to the store, honey, I’m, going to the store.” By time you’re finished telling them the store is closed.

Since you asked:

Love the Serbian guys working on our remodel. Whenever he remarks on how good the house looks now, Nasha, the younger brother of the two contractors, always says;

“It looks like a beautiful woman in new shoes.” Except it comes out sounding like;

“Eat lukes like zee butifill voman en new chews.”