Friday, July 21, 2006

It is hard out here

Keepin’ it real to the deal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is so hot female teachers are sleeping with high school boys just to get tossed in the cooler.

It is so hot, old lawyers are going quail hunting with Dick Cheney just for the breeze created from the passing bird shot.

It is so hot, travelers are booking passage on the Crown Princess just so they can be frozen with terror when it tilts over.

It is so hot Star Jones returned to the set of “The View” just for the icy stares.

It is so hot I am sweating like the Cinnabon clerk at the Beirut airport.

Way to the right
A cruise ship leaving Florida had a steering mishap and listed way over to one side injuring some passengers. In fact, the ship leaned so far to the right they renamed it the USS Ann Coulter.

Proper Placement
US Airways will begin selling advertising on its airsickness bags in September. Finally, the perfect spot to promote Madonna’s next movie.

Makes sense
Rumor has it Al Reynolds is looking to divorce Star Jones. Apparently Al wants to start not sleeping with other women.

How rude
Have you seen the video of President Bush rubbing the shoulders of repulsed German chancellor Angela Merkel? First the swearing now the unwanted advances, who does Bush think he is, “Insider” host Pat O’Brien?

Or as Bush calls it, he gave Merkel the ol’ Condeleeza.

First the swearing now the unwanted advance, apparently liberal conspiracy theorists are right, Bush is being advised by “Fox News” Bill O’Reilly.

Let’s hug it out
Have you seen the HBO hit “Entourage”? It’s great but the lead character, Vince, is getting on my nerves. He turns down $12 million blockbuster sequel because a producer lied to him? In the real Hollywood an actor would let a producer sell his sister into slavery for a two second crowd shot.

President Potty Mouth
After his caught-on-tape-swearing incident at the G-8 conference, President Bush is trying to behave, but he just doesn’t get it. When briefed about Shiite militants, Bush corrected aide and said; “From now on we call the Shiite Militants: the Doody militants.”

After his caught-on-tape-swearing incident at the G-8 conference, President Bush is trying to clean up his act. For example, from now the Vice President is called Richard Cheney.

The first lady, Laura Bush, made the President throw out all of his old “Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter Loves Bush” campaign buttons.

There is now a standing White House rule against all fart jokes that end with the Russian President’s name Putin.

Since you asked:
This week’s Rick Reilly’s “Life of Reilly” “Sports Illustrated” column “With this Ring I Bust Thy Chops” delves into the sports pal’s new high tech needle: The one ring. When your buddy’s team messes up, you dial him and hang up after one ring to let him know you know that he knows his team just blew it somehow. It started at Bates College in Maine as a way to tease your friend without racking up long distance charges. You can get creative and send an e-mail text message with one words: One Ring.

As a Chicago Cubs and Chicago Bears fan, if this one-ring concept catches on with my pals, my office is going to sound like St. Mary’s Cathedral on Christmas morning.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh, that ain’t just sick, that ain’t just ill, that mofo is diseased, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Man it is hot. I’m sweating like the guy operating the swear-catcher during President Bush’s next speech.

How hot is it
Have you seen a national heat chart map where the colors are bluer for cold and redder for hot? It is so hot, there haven’t been this many red states since John Kerry ran for President.

Babs puts the wash in Washington
President Bush had a busy day today. He met with his advisors in the morning, and then, after lunch, his mother Barbara washed his mouth out with soap.

At the G-8 conference, a mike picked up President Bush saying the S-word while discussing Hezbollah with British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Give Bush some credit, a week before this, Bush thought Hezbollah was a kind of Kosher bread.

At the G-8 conference, a live mike picked up President Bush swearing and talking with his mouthful. On the upside, President Bush has been asked to make a cameo appearance in “The Sopranos.”

That’s right, he said the S word: Senators.

Call now
Former 'Baywatch' star Carmen Electra and guitarist Dave Navarro have split after three years of marriage. For all you guys who think they have a chance with Carmen, call 1-800-Oh-Please.

Not clear on the concept
Chairman of Hooters restaurants, Robert Brooks, died at 69; upon hearing the Hooters Chairman died at 69, Paris Hilton asked; “Doing that can kill you?”

Not bi-ing it
In an interview in her magazine, “O” Oprah Winfrey declared that she and her best friend, Gayle King, are not gay; I’m not so sure though. Oprah then jumped up and down on her couch and screamed; “I’m in love, I’m in love.”

Again, how hot is it?
It is so hot in Pittsburgh people are going to Pirates games just to feel their cold streak.

Get it?
Wal-Mart announced that they are not going to prosecute shoplifters who steal less than $25 worth of merchandise. This policy change is officially on Wal Mart’s charter as the Winona rider.

Where’s the beef?
According to PETA, the San Francisco Giants have the most vegetarian-friendly ballpark food. It’s true, they don’t even have any meat in their lineup.

Now that’s ugly
“Sports Illustrated” swimsuit model Christie Brinkley’s divorce from her fourth husband has turned ugly. How ugly? This divorce is uglier than Brinkley’s first husband, Billy Joel.

Who knew?
New studies reveal that coffee is loaded with antioxidants and is very healthy for you; how healthy is coffee? Larry King is actually 205-years-old.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Hey Olympic flame-out Bode Miller. Is the press leaving you alone enough now?

Check this out Slats

Check this out, Slats and Nugs, not to brag – but if I don’t nobody will – your’s truly is quoted many many many times in the supposed top 1,000 sports quips of all time.

It is hard out here

Oh snap, it all of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Change of plans
At the G-8 conference, a live mike picked up President Bush saying a dirty word. As a result, the G-8 conference is now the P.G.-17 conference.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The violence continues in Beirut. It was a little awkward, when they asked President Bush what he thought of Beirut, he said; “He hit home runs without steroids.”

Hate to hear that
Chairman of Hooters restaurants, Robert Brooks, died at 69; by the way, 69 wasn’t just his age, it was the position that killed him.

To honor Brooks, Hooters customers are wearing their pants at half mast.

Brooks’s memorial service will be held from 4-7 with five dollar pitchers and two-for one chicken wings.

In honor of Brooks’s passing, this whole week black is the color of the panties the Hooters girls aren’t wearing.

Friends don’t let friends drink Coors
Coors beer baron Peter Coors had his driver’s license revoked for drunk driving. Coors claims he only had one beer. How do you get drunk on one beer? Drink Coors all your life and then try any other kind of beer.

This explains Coors last commercial where he urged people to drink responsibulbully.

Coors had his license revoked not for being drunk but for choosing to drink Coors.

Not going to do any time
The rumor is Barry “Bail” Bonds is to be indicted for perjury and tax-evasion. Experts think Bonds will avoid jail time. Not because he is innocent, Bonds’s head won’t fit through the cell door.

Nice job, Einstein
Old letters reveal that Albert Einstein had two wives and ten mistresses. With all those affairs, Einstein had no choice but to discover the theory of relativity. “I’m not home late, sweetheart, time is relative.”

Back to the old method
Congress is going to try and get rid of online gambling; from now on if somebody wants to blow a lot of money, they’ll have to it the old fashioned way: bribing a congressman.

It got ugly
Producers of “The View” say that the cast and crew is a lot more relaxed now that Star Jones has left. Especially in the morning when the pastries are delivered.

How many balls?
The Chicago Cubs were shelled for 11 runs in the sixth inning of their 13-7 loss to the New York Mets. At one point the Cubs had more balls coming at them than Paris Hilton during Fleet Week.

Dirty word
At the G-8 conference, a live mike picked up President Bush saying a dirty word. When asked to comment, Bush denied it saying; “I never once said the word Hillary.”

Much nicer
In an interview in her magazine, “O” Oprah Winfrey declared that she and her best friend, Gayle King, are not gay; they prefer the term: heterosexually challenged.

Thank heaven
Sure, we’re embroiled in a global warming induced heat wave, gas prices are through the roof, and the Mid East is in turmoil, but let’s not overlook what really matters. Jennifer Aniston said she would do a “Friends” reunion special. Finally, our problems are solved.

Since you asked:

It is hot. So, I’ve been putting ice cubes in the dogs, Wrigley and Kasey, water dish. Kasey just sniffs at them. Wrigley chews them. He loves them. So I guess that means he is sexually frustrated, but you would be sexually frustrated if your boys had been in a vets jar for three years.

So we had a soccer tournament this weekend. Not to brag, but my daughter, AC, scored six goals in four games and she spent most of her time playing defense at sweeper.

So we were between games on Sunday and if there is one thing the Decathlon teaches you it is that staying on your feet too long kills the power and speed in your legs. So in between games, I told Ann Caroline to watch a Disney movie and that she needs to stay off of her feet.

So I go to take a shower. No towel.

“Hey, Ann Caroline, run and get me a towel from the cabinet.”

“Sorry, Dad, I have to stay off of my feet.”

Sunday, July 16, 2006

It is hard out here

It is hotter than a fashizzy my brizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How bad is it?
Beirut International Airport remains closed after Israeli jets bombed it; to show how bad it was, this was the first time in aviation history that the airport was more bombed than the pilots.

It is hot. I am sweating like I just told French soccer star Zinedine Zidane a “yo mama” joke.

Who knew?
Scientists say that they have discovered a mastodon fossil in Michigan. That’s not the most amazing part; the mastodon was being ridden by Jimmy Hoffa.

Not good
The rumor is Barry Bonds is to be indicted on perjury and tax-evasion charges. I don’t want to imply this has been a nightmare season for Bonds but it’s almost as bad as the night Bonds woke up in a cold sweat dreaming he was back with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Crime wave
Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. It’s so bad Patrick Kennedy crashed his car to avoid a carjacking.

Left out one thing
My daughter just finished the American star Julie Foudy’s girl’s soccer camp. It was great, but we were a tad disappointed. They didn’t coach them how to head-butt a foul-mouthed Italian.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush is in Europe for the G-8 conference. Still, I am not sure he gets it. When they asked President Bush what he thought about the G-8, Bush said he prefers Chevy’s to Fords.

Clever guy
Newly discovered letters reveal Albert Einstein had ten mistresses and two wives. No wonder Einstein invented the theory of relativity. “No honey, you just think I’m home late, time is relative.”