Saturday, March 25, 2006

It is hard out here

In health news, a new study shows that the omega 3 fats found in fish is not as healthy as originally believed. However, the study did discover there were significantly more health benefits than suspected from shooting heroin into your eyeballs.

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant:

Boy did I see a movie you can wait to come out on DVD. “Failure to Launch” I think the title is about the jokes. As my grandmother Rodgers used to damn with feint praise, it was right cute. But that was about it. Granted, as a straight male, I might not get it, but there is just something oily and odd about Matthew McConaughey. He is a serial low-talking ssss talker. And something is definitely up with that hair. And he is way too ripped for a guy in his mid thirties.

Sarah Jessica is cute. Terry Bradshaw was pretty good. Quite a surprise, actually.

Last night we went out to dinner. As I was starving, I wanted sloppy Mexican food but Virg had a craving for Sushi. We compromised, we had Sushi. Guys, you know what I am talking about.

Friday, March 24, 2006

It is hard out here

March Madness

You have to love the NCAA Men’s college basketball tournament. Don’t you also love all of the cool street expressions that evolve into the game and make their way into the announcing? These are just a few of the cool expressions I heard back when I played street ball in NYC on Sixth Ave and West Third. Most of these terms have found their way into the lexicon of “hoops.”

Taking it to the rack.

Tote the rock

Hit the Tres

In the paint.

Posting up.

They have the numbers.

Put a body on him.

Playing big.

Talking trash.

Sick air.

Mad skilz.

Can’t buy a bucket from the Colonel.

Can’t throw it in the ocean.

Yo, white boy’s trippin’ if he thinks he can play.

Damn, why he got to be on our team?

Yo, Casper, you havin’ a heart attack?

Homey, you do know you’re supposed to try and stop him from scoring, right?

Hey, Opie, sit this one out.

Don’t worry, I’ll bring your ball back tomorrow.

Hey, Cindy Brady, make a Mickey D’s run for us.

Fifty bucks if you want to play. Thanks. Oh, you mean today? No, this fifty is for the game next week.

These are just some of the colorful expressions I was privileged to hear first hand, most of which have become standard terms in basketball.
Who said what to who now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Did I forget to mention?
The web site Smoking Gun has obtained Dick Cheney’s hotel room requirements: bottled water, coffee, diet Sprite and the TV on Fox News. That’s it. Oh yeah, and two hookers in leather and fishnet stockings blending Margaritas and blasting the song; “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.”

The web site Smoking Gun has obtained Dick Cheney’s hotel room requirements: bottled water, 4 cans of diet Sprite and the TV tuned to Fox News. Wow, that’s the exact same demands as the rock band Motley Crue.

The web site Smoking Gun has obtained Dick Cheney’s hotel room requirements: bottled water, diet Sprite, coffee, the TV on Fox News and a body bag in case he accidentally whacks a lawyer.

Pour mes nouveaux amis Français bien-aimés
France voted to force Apple to share its iPod iTunes songs with other MP3 manufacturers. When Apple angrily objected, France intuitively surrendered to Apple.

I.R.S. in another public relations coup
The I.R.S. is giving tax preparers permission to sell our tax payer data to telemarketers. This is just in case there is somebody out there who doesn’t already completely despise the I.R.S.

The I.R.S. is giving tax preparers permission to sell our tax payer data to telemarketers. Telemarketers working with the I.R.S. The only people missing in that equation are George Steinbrenner, Donald Trump, and Osama bin Laden.

Since you asked:
There was a commercial or a skit traveling around emails that showed what would happen if a paint store did business like the airlines. Guy walks in, asks to buy a gallon of white paint. The clerk asks when he needs to use it, when the customer says today, the clerk jacks the price by triple. And since it is a very popular color they charge more. So when the guy decides to use an usual color instead they charge him even more and so on and so forth.

Northwest Airlines is now charging $15 if you specify a seat. Want to sit near the window? Oh, OK, that’s $15. Even if you ask for the dreaded middle seat, they whack you with $15. That’s like a restaurant charging to use their plate. What happens if they happen to assign you an aisle seat? No extra charge. But if you let them know that you wanted it in the first place? $15.

Forever airlines lived off the fat of the business expense account so they got lazy; the people who did most of the flying didn’t care what it cost. Now that the tax laws have gotten stiffer and business are actually watching what they spend, and, thanks to teleconferencing and other technological communication advances, business people are flying less. And the businesses that do need to fly are finding it cheaper to charter their own damn planes rather than get stiffed by the airlines.

And yet the airlines continue to whine about how hard it is for them to make money. When you try and bilk your best customers for every nickel and dime you can, what do you expect? Oh you fly a lot and you need to fly at short notice? Hang on while we figure out new ways to screw you.

About last night, can I say one thing? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fell asleep with about five minutes to go in the Gonzaga-UCLA game. Oh, well, no big deal, UCLA was losing by about 12. Woke up this morning to see in the paper if they lost by more than 12. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! UCLA won, 93-91. What the . . .?

No problem, I recorded it on the blessed TiVo. Start watching and what happens? It stopped recording with three minutes left. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that UCLA won, but I got seriously jacked with twice. Blessed TiVo, why hath thou forsaken me?

TiVo recordings are like condoms, you need to leave a little more room than you need at the very end.

Sorry, was that outloud?

Thursday, March 23, 2006

It is hard out here

Since you asked:
All the good people here at a.L.B.b. would like to introduce a guest writer from France who loves France so much he chose to live in America so he could keep a closer eye on Americans who are unkind to his beloved France.

Introducing: Pooper Stenchie:

Yes, bonjour, I am the great and powerful Pooper Stenchie:


We are so bored with this nasty American French bashing no funny being humor, that I am going to start a website to fight back at this horrible injustice and call it Pooper Stenchie. That and I do not have anything else to do with my life. No, really, nothing.

We French are so much better than everyone else in the world in every way that the Americans are jealous and naturally inferior so therefore they say mean and racist things about us French. This is wrong. Tres wrong. They say we French are lazy wine guzzling cowards who stink. Well, what are the Americans but beer guzzling brave people who take showers and use deodorant? So there. Once again, my Gaelic wit has surpassed those dimwitted Red State vile Non-French Americans. Let them devour their rancid American cheese.

France is a great, great nation, why our GNP is just below, well, the State of California, but we have done great, great things recently. For example we have, uh, well, there was the time, um . . . we make Perrier water. Bon. Hah. I laugh at you, Yankee dogs.

And the cocky arrogant uneducated Americans say that France is now internationally irrelevant. To this I say; “Your Father is a hamster and your mother smells of elderberries. Now go away before I taunt you some more.”

If France was, as the hateful Americans claim, internationally irrelevant that would mean that France has virtually no military power to speak of and an economy that has sunk to inconsequential third world status. OK, maybe those are two bad examples, but we are still a very great, great nation. If you do not believe so, just ask us, oui?

If France is so weak and impotent would we not be able to quickly squelch the recent rioting in our own ghettos and by our angry young laborers? OK, again, maybe not the best of examples.

All the Americans ever do is sit around and think about how much they hate the French. Granted, when asked, 99.9% of Americans say they never, ever think about the French at all. But that is a lie because we know that all they ever do is say mean and ugly things about the French because that is all I, Pooper Stenchie, ever think about. Did I mention I don’t have anything else to do?

For proof of American racism towards the French, look at all those mean-spirited jokes the talk show hosts like Leno and O’Brien and Letterman say about us. Those people are not funny. They are nowhere near as funny as the great Jerry Lewis.

If there is one thing France is famous for, it is our comedians. Well, OK, our comedians are not as funny as the German comedians, but come on, those people are freakin’ hilarious. Why do you think we let them take over France during both world wars? Those Krauts crack us up. Whew.

These American talk show fools, like Leno and Letterman, make the French the punch line to all jokes about arrogance, ignorance and indifference. To this I say we French are above that, we don’t know anything about it and, more importantly, we do not care. So much for the French being arrogant, ignorant and indifferent. You stupid Americans are too easy for me.

Pardon me, my five-year-old daughter just spilled her wine, I must refill her glass.

In closing I would like to quote what a brave French military leader (non, that is not an oxymoron) said about the French:

I have tried to lift France out of the mud. But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I cannot prevent the French from being French."-Charles de Gaulle

Mon dieu! Who is this hateful person who is bashing my beloved France? Pooper Stenchie must respond with all of his super French power. We must attack this pig with all our military might, as we attacked that vile, but hilarious comedian, Alex Kaseberg. We must Google bomb Charles de Gaulle. That will teach him, non?

Don’t worry, sweetie, I will get you more wine.

Thank you, PS.

Any questions or comments for me or our guest writer?

It is hard out here

We gonna drop it like it’s hot and stop it like it’s not, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Spring has sprung
It’s officially spring time. You can tell, in Florida the teachers are taking their students outside to have sex.

A pattern
All charges have been dropped against Debbie Lafave, the attractive blonde 23-year-old Florida teacher who had sex with her 14-year-old male student. Lafave is now free to book the White Trash 15-Minutes of fame Trifecta: An appearance on Oprah, a layout in “Playboy” and finally, in one year, an article in the “People” “Where are they now?” issue.

Longer than you might think
For using his dog to torment Iraqi prisoners, an Army dog handler was sentenced to six months behind bars. That’s 42 months in dog-handling years.

Bad luck
Tired of all the prostitute jokes, the residents of Hooker Lane in Greenwich, CT petitioned to have their street’s name changed but the request backfired, the city changed the name from Hooker Lane to Paris Hilton Way.

Reprised and old joke
In the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament, tonight UCLA plays Gonzaga, if Gonzaga wins this and their next game, it will be Gonzaga in the semis. I once had Gonzaga in the semis but the penicillin cleared it right up.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It is hard out here

A chip off the old block

Donald Trump and his third wife, Melania, had a baby boy and named him Barron; The baby has its Dad’s hair. No, really, the baby reached out and pulled off the Donald’s hair piece so he has his father’s hair. .

It is hard out here

We the playas wit’ da flayvas up in this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Trump card
Donald Trump and his third wife, Melania, had a baby boy and named him Barron; good thing they didn’t pick a pretentious name. Was His Majesty already taken?

It was kind of awkward, when they handed the baby to the Donald, the baby spit up and Trump told him; “You’re fired.”

Assist with Janice Hough
It was touching, the Donald held Barron and said; “He’s so beautiful I can’t wait to pay him child support.”

The Trumps decided not to go with the name selected by a pubic poll due to its excessive length: The name selected for Trump’s kid was; “For the love of God, please stop producing, Donald.”

Personally, I thought the perfect name for Trump’s kid would be Iwbaidwr. Iwbaidwr is not a Farsi word, it is the acronym for; I wouldn’t be alive if Dad wasn’t rich.

Barron Trump. Good thing they are rich because they are going to have to send Barron Trump to the pricey “Please Don’t Kick My Ass” private school.

All charges have been dropped against Debbie Lafave, the attractive blonde 23-year-old teacher who had sex with her 14-year-old male student. The boy agreed to drop the charges if she agreed to pose naked for his upcoming book; “How I nailed my smoking hot teacher”.

Since you asked:
So I know what you want to ask me, you want to ask; “Lex, Lex, Lex, what the heck were the Dallas Cowboys thinking about in getting super psycho Terrell Owens?”

Let’s look at the past. Under the directive muzzle of Jerry Rice, Owens had more than a few very productive years in San Francisco before his mouth exploded in idiocy. In Philadelphia he had almost a year and half before his brain exploded with verbal diarrhea. To my way of thinking, T.O. has probably one good year until he ruins everything in Dallas with another psychotic rant.

Dallas has signed T.O. to a “We will pay you until you F-up” deal laden with good behavior incentives and bad behavior penalties. T.O. is temporarily lucid and he knows this is his only chance. When Owens does implode, Dallas won’t get hurt and they can ship him off without it stinging too much.

Although his ego is even bigger than his Seventies polyester stretch Sansabelt coaching pants, Bill Parcells is nothing if not a pragmatist. Is he a hard ass? If you’re a marginal oft-injured player he sure is. If you’re a super star you can get relieve yourself on the Cowboys headquarters front lawn and Parcells will personally thank you for helping to fertilize the grass.

As long as you produce.

So believe it or not, I know I said that expecting Parcells massive ego to check T.O.’s massive ego is like expecting the rickety levees in New Orleans to hold Katrina. But I think Dallas has a good year until that hurricane hits. If T.O. is around at a decent round of my Fantasy draft, I will not let him go. He could have a monster year. After that? I would rather have T.O. on my debate team than my football team.

One thing you have to admit about Terrell Owens: the guy ain’t boring. Either way it goes, Dallas is going to get a bang on their entertainment dollar.

Let’s give a nice thought to Tiger
Tiger Woods is richer and more talented and more wildly famous than all of us put together; Tiger parks his huge yacht in the backyard of his gorgeous island compound; Tiger has an eye-melting Swedish bikini model wife and Tiger has achieved all of this by merely playing the sport he loves almost more than anything. The last thing a great man like Tiger will ever need is our sympathy, right? Wrong.

As of right now, Tiger Woods is nothing more than just a deeply sad boy who is worried sick about his seriously ill Dad.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

It is hard out here

We got the funk for the junk in the trunk, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
The Midwest had a huge snowstorm. It was so cold people were shaking like the White House aide who had to tell Dick Cheney his approval rating is 18%.

And what was a Jennifer?
During the Bradley-Pittsburgh game during the NCAA tournament last week, the scoreboard abbreviations at the stadium and on CBS were BRAD PITT. Not only that but when a player took it to the hole and slammed it, it was called an Angelina.

How low is it?
Dick Cheney’s approval rating is 18%. That’s slightly higher than Osama bin Laden and a little lower than Mad Cow disease.

Dick Cheney’s approval rating is 18%. Imagine how low it would be if he hadn’t shot a lawyer?

Rumor has it Cheney is so desperate to get his approval rating up he is thinking about shooting an IRS agent next.

Monday, March 20, 2006

It is hard out here

Sadly, four people died in a plane crash in Branson, Missouri; this tragedy is made even worse by the fact that the people were actually caught dead in Branson, Missouri.  

It is hard out here

What do you do with an alcoholic with Attention Deficit Disorder? Make him join a Six Step program.


Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses and try the veal.

It is hard out here

Happy Steak and Knobber Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not to be confused
“Ask the Dust” opened this weekend. It is about prejudice in Los Angeles in 1939; “Ask the Dust” is not about calling into "The Larry King show."

Flu the coup
This bird flu thing is getting serious. This weekend the entire Dallas Cowboys caught locker room cancer from the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Dallas Cowboys swapped Keyshawn Johnson for Terrell Owens. The terms weren’t revealed but insiders say the deal is for a second round pick and a megalomaniac to be named later.

This T.O. trade will be known as the trade that put the ass in Dallas

To show how bad Terrell Owens is, his trade to the Dallas Cowboys made T.O. the biggest jerk in the news the week Serb Mass-murdering Tyrant Slobodan Milosevic died.

The Dallas Cowboys releasing Keyshawn Johnson for Terrell Owens is the NFL equivalent of rectal replacement surgery.

Attention all units
In a confrontation in Chicago, a man cut off his penis and threw it at the police; well at least he didn’t go off half cocked.

God forbid if I did that it would be assault with a deadly weapon.

I don’t want to say this guy was impressive, but he did take out an entire unit with his unit.

Indiana Jones and the Bluebird Special
Harrison Ford is set to star in the fourth Indiana Jones movie. I believe this one is “Indiana Jones and the Midnight Pee.”

I don't want to say Harrison Ford is getting up there but his next movie is titled; "Indiana Jones, I got a case of sciatica you shouldn't believe."

I don’t want to say Harrison Ford is getting up there but in the next movie, Indiana Jones is on a quest to find the perfect fiber supplement.

Erin go blah
Girls you may have had too good a St. Patricks Day if you thought you fell in love with a well dressed Leprechaun but you woke up in the Zoo’s penguin exhibit.

Hoops moderate excitement
Are you excited about the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament? I’m not sure I really have March Madness yet, it’s more like March mild-irritability.

Unfortunately in the NCAA Men’s college basketball tournament, a lot of fans are like Michael Jackson; they don’t care about the sweet sixteen, they only get interested with the elite eight

And last and least for my many new French friends
Protests have broken out all over France over new labor laws. In some cases the demonstrations turned violent. Well, not violent, but some of the French protestors did threaten to hold their breath until they turned bleu.

France’s President Jacques Chirac took a firm stance against the labor protestors. Chirac vows that, if the violence continues, France authorities will have no choice but to surrender immediately.

Since you asked:
Clearly the thinking on the Dallas Cowboys getting Terrell Owens is that their coach, Bill Parcell’s bloated ego will be enough to hold T.O.’s bloated ego in check. This is the same logic that believed that New Orleans rickety levees would be enough to hold Katrina.

Either the French are even more masochistic than we thought or some of those Anti-French bashing Lex bashers like my blog more than they said. Noticing a ton of regular traffic from France on the old blog-o-roni. Welcome, we accept all, hygienically challenged or not.

Which bumper sticker should I break my no-bumper sticker rule with?

“I Won’t Brag About My Child on a Stupid Bumper Sticker”


“Dog is my co-pilot.”