I’m in earnest, it can be difficult for the business manager of female professional escorts. Ho’s be Squirrelly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget RanchersNo problem
President Bush admitted he has not seen “Brokeback Mountain.” But that won’t stop Bush from selling Brokeback Mountain to Dubai.Coming up
You want to know what the big thing is going to be during Spring Break? College kids in bars buying the big new drink called the Dick Cheney. It’s a shot for a friend.Saw this one coming
As expected, there were quite a few “Brokeback Mountain” jokes at the Academy Awards; some people are tired of the “Brokeback Mountain” jokes, but, face it, like it or not, “Brokeback Mountain” is always going to be the butt of jokes.
“Brokeback Mountain” is the movie that brought a whole new meaning to saddle sore.Who knew?
New age keyboardist Yanni was arrested for domestic abuse; Yanni was arrested after recording his next single, a remake of Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up.”
Apparently boring someone to death is now considered domestic abuse.
Yanni was charged with two counts of battery and one count of non-funkieness.Not even gonna guess
President Bush has declared war on pornography. Here is my question, if we win the war on pornography and the porn stars are able to vote, what gets dipped in purple ink?
President Bush has declared war on pornography. The war on pornography will be fought on many fronts. And on many backs, and on knees and elbows and on some upside downs.The good news
In New York, actress Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend were caught in the Metropolitan Opera House bathroom having sex; The best part? The sex wasn’t over until the fat lady sang.Hurry up
Spring break is coming up. All you kids hustle up and get down there before President Bush sells all the beaches to the Arabs.SI scoop
The “Sports Illustrated” cover story breaks out the truth about the depth and the deceit of Barry Bonds steroid use. When asked to comment, an angry Barry Bonds yelled;
“Sports Illustrated can kiss my horribly shrunken testicles.”
The “Sports Illustrated” cover story reveals that Barry Bonds lied so much about taking steroids, lying-on Oprah-author James Frey is going to write Bonds’s biography.Puisque vous avez demandé :
Because of a joke I wrote about the French downhill gold medal winner having an unfair advantage because his coach told him the German army was marching up the other side of the mountain, I am now the anti-Jerry Lewis of France as well as Canada.
An anti-French-bashing French Canadian Internet columnist has been all over me and his angry Gaelic minions are sending me all kinds of nasty, bitter e-mails. In short I am hated all over France as well as Canada. This is the highest possible honor. Merci.
By the way, did you hear the French are making their own version of “Brokeback Mountain”? It is called “Est cassé de Epine Montagne” and it is very touching: two cowboys take turns surrendering to each other. Now, I don’t want to give anything away, but, in this one, the bad guy gets it in the end.
(Apologies to Tina Fey’s Father)
Ho’s B. Squirrelly is my new bandSince you asked:
The wildly mixed reviews of Jon Stewart’s yeoman-like Oscar hosting speaks to my point about humorless humor critics. If you say Jon Stewart bombed it says much more about you than it does Jon Stewart. Stewart’s jokes were witty, well-told, timely and good natured. So what if snotty movie stars and snotty critics, like they do with themselves, took the jokes too seriously? (See: Tom Shales, an absolute world class jerk who first crucified David Letterman and Conan O’Brien until other critics praised them, then he turned a hypocritical one eighty and now gushes over them)
Some bug-up-the-butt woman critic from the New York Times absolutely drilled Stewart. Now, we all know there is a check-your-sense-of-humor-at-the-door rule at the New York Times, but this woman was icy and snotty even for the NYT.
Stewart was a good host to a truly boring Oscars. JS was dignified and reverent while being quick and insightful. The more I hear actors speak on their own the more I am impressed with their writers. (See: Jack Nicholson, and just about all actors except George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, self-righteous and heavy-handed politics aside)Time to stick our heads under the hairdryers
Guess who my sources say will soon pass Steven Segal as the biggest A-Hole in Hollywood, since the death of Don Simpson? Hint: he starred in a movie that rhymes with the word gay. Still don’t have it? His pseudonym rhymes with Mamie Rocks.Kirby Puckett, Rest in peace
Sad. Truly sad. Terribly sad.
Anyone, and I include myself in this category, who ever once considered themselves a serious athlete, has had, or will have, a real tough day. A brutal day. A day many will fight against the rest of their lives. That is the day when you are, for the first time and forever after, no longer a genuine participant in the sport you have loved all of your life. Kirby had that day thrown at him like a 98-mph bean ball.
At the press conference announcing his retirement due to blindness in one eye from glaucoma, Kirby was the picture of class. Turns out it was all steps going down after that. Over time, Kirby’s behavior and his appearance revealed that this was one horribly lost human being.
Hopefully, somewhere, Kirby Puckett is playing baseball again.