Friday, March 03, 2006

Oh we gonna do the d

Oh we gonna do the do that do do to the do what it do, I am so lost, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chick magnets
In reply to Bode Miller’s crack that he didn’t go out and still didn’t win, US skier Daron Rahlves said Bode spent too much time “looking for girls.” See, Bode wouldn’t have to spend so much time looking for girls if he had a couple of girl magnets otherwise known as Olympic medals.  

To imitate “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul, Barry Bonds donned a strapless gown and a wig for a SF Giants karaoke contest. In addition, Bonds also secured the lead in the gay baseball movie; “Broke Bat Mountain.”

Ode to L
The producers of Showtimes “The L Word” show are launching a perfume for Lesbians; not to give it away, but it smells something like a Melissa Ethridge CD and a softball mit.

The name of the lesbian perfume is “Ode DeGeneris.”  

Knocked up
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Apparently Kevin Federline has been busier than we thought.

Rumor has it that Britney Spears is pregnant again. This could be tough for the other kid because it can cause jealousy, envy, and neediness. And besides Kevin Federline, their first baby could have certain issues.

It looks like Britney wandered a little too close to the ol’ couch again.

So sad
A survey revealed that much more is generally known about the cartoon “The Simpsons” than is known about the First Amendment; and that is just with the President of the United States.  

A survey revealed that much more is generally known about the cartoon “The Simpsons” than is known about the First Amendment; When asked to comment, President Bush said;

“I don’t think I’ve seen that First Amendment cartoon. Is that the one with the baby with the English accent?”

Not good     
Texas Quarterback Vince Young scored a 6 on the NFL’s Wonderlic IQ test. Most teams want their quarterback to score 30. To show you how bad Young’s score of 6 is, if where it says: “Put Your name here”, if you put down the words, Your Name Here, you get six points.

Dad of the year
After Roger Clemens son, Koby, hit a home run off him at spring training, on Koby’s next at bat, the Houston Astros ace, Roger, brushed his own child back. Clemens then walked his wife to pitch to his great Aunt.

After his son, Koby, hit a home run on him at spring training, on his next at bat, Houston Astros pitcher Roger Clemens brushed his own child back. It makes me feel better about cheating during a game of “Pretty Pretty Princess” with my niece.

Koby then tried to charge the mound but his Dad put him in a time out.


Thursday, March 02, 2006

Oh that is so so so

Oh that is so, so, so, so, so, so, I don’t know, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bode crack
In reply to Bode Miller’s crack that he never goes out and still didn’t win, US skier Daron Rahlves said Bode spent too much time “looking for girls.” See, Bode wouldn’t have to spend so much time looking for girls if he had a couple of those girl magnets they call Olympic medals.  

Since you asked:  
Saw Jason Lee from “My Name is Earl” on “TTSWJL.” First of all, the guy is freakin’ tall. Way over the fairly tall Leno. Second, he is real life funny. Not as funny as his character but he is funny.

Attention all producers of intended to be sappy commercials or movies or TV shows. It is now officially the time to stop using the Five for Fighting song “100 Years.” It’s over. Stop it.

This leads us to a new feature all of the good people here at A.l.B.B. like to call:

I Used To Like It But It Now I Hate It

The Cutesy expression: “I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you.” This is now almost twenty years old as it became overly popular after “Top Gun” which came out in 1986. Yikes.

Hummers. Why not just drive a bus that has a huge banner that says “I am an A-Hole with a little or barely discernable penis”?

The band Boston. And I only liked them for about thirty seven minutes back in 1976.


You go, girl.


Crowded bars. Something cracked in my head one night when I walked into my favorite hot spot in La Jolla, Jose’s Courtroom. As I was pushing my way through a lot of loud and unfunny drunks with the music blasting real loud, it suddenly hit me: This sucks. This could be an age thing.

Mai Tai’s. Maybe if one is made by a beautiful Hawaiian girl when you are in Hawaii, but only then. Otherwise these things are ungodly sweet and contain the stickiest substance known to man outside of a Cinabon that always ends up on the bar and on your skin.

Outlaw Western Music. It has its days in the late Seventies and Early eighties but let it die with Waylon. Please.

Cell Phones.

Chat rooms. Believe it or not, there was a time when I would go into an AOL News chat room and find people who were having bright, informed conversations on current topics that gave me great ideas for material and it didn’t dissolve into a partisan hate frenzy with morons writing “You suck.” “No, you suck.” This died somewhere in the mid nineties.

“Funny” e-mails. Why is it that it is always the same people who send you the funny e-mail six months after you’ve already seen it back when it was actually funny? These are the same people who still use these things ;) and LOL.

;) and LOL.

Catchy phone rings.

Onion rings. OK, maybe once in a while to remind me I don’t like them.

Ripped and cut abs. This also goes under “I used to have them but now I don’t” My excuse for having ripped abs? I was in my late teens and early twenties working out four hours a day and I didn’t drink much. None of that last statement is still true.

Oak-y Chardonnays.



Mustaches. Not alone on this one.

Jewel. Alanis Morisette.

Tequila shots. Any shots. But I cannot do any Tequila shots anymore. Another age thing.

Sammy Sosa. I haf to say, Buddy, I guess we should have figured out something was wrong back when the coolest guy ever, Mark Grace, couldn’t stand Sosa.

Vijay Singh. (Warning to Tiger: One more hissy fit with another player on the tour you are on this list. Enough said)

Terry Bradshaw. If the guy was even a third as funny as he thinks he is he would be a little funny.

Doonesbury. Somebody please eliminate that self-righteous tool with the French name.

Burt Reynolds. When did he turn into a cartoon of an old Hollywood leading man?

Those cheap plastic truck driver type hats. At first they were so ugly they were cool, now the cool has rubbed off only leaving a lot of ugly.

The wave. If you do it at a game, you are no longer a friend of mine. Period.

Wearing a pro athlete’s jersey. I used to say you could wear a jersey as long it is the jersey of an athlete that is older than you are. This is no longer the case. Don’t wear team jerseys. OK, maybe the Chargers powder blues, but that is it. And the Cubs.  

An autograph. It is just documentation that you annoyed a famous person.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Its time to lay down

What the what the, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

More natural
Maddame Toussad’s wax museum announced they will feature a Hillary Clinton figure. Actually they tried to make the Hillary figure out of wax, but they found that it was more realistic looking if they used ice.

Take a break, Bode
The Olympics are over, but not everybody is upset; Bode Miller is relieved, all that drinking was starting to take its toll, now he can start getting in shape. Maybe lose that gut.

Bode Miller thinks the Olympics are a time to party and meet girls. But you should see this guy ski during spring break.

After being the favorite to win five events, Bode Miller was shut out of the medals at the Torino Olympics; but that didn’t stop Bode at the bars, he hung a ribbon around his neck and told the girls his medal just had a really, really big hole in it.

A good deal?
The debate over the Arab company’s desire to purchase six of our main ports continues. President Bush claims this is a good business deal; of course Bush thinks it was a good business deal when he bought a Rolex watch from a New York street vendor for $20.  

Or something like that
The debate over the Arab company’s desire to purchase six of our main ports continues. Some claim it is a good business deal, others say it is like putting Korea in charge of the Humane Society.

Two birds with one stone
Anna Nicole Smith is going before the Supreme Court to get her 89-year-old deceased ex’s. J. Howard Marshall’s, money. And while she’s there, Anna plans on seriously flirting with that young hot judge, 85-year-old John Paul Stevens.

Qualified or not
According to NFL sources, Texas quarterback Vince Young only scored a 6 on the NFL’s Wonderlic IQ test. Teams want quarterbacks to score over 30. That means Young may not be qualified to be a quarterback in the NFL. He’s qualified to be President of the United States, sure, but not a quarterback in the NFL.

So mean
Did you see the Olympic closing ceremonies? How about when that clown walked in? But enough about Bode Miller, those circus characters were great.

And it’s Woody by a, well, not a nose. Badaboom
In Italy, vets and trainers were arrested for feeding Viagra to race horses to make them run faster. Giving Viagra to race horses has also brought new meaning to a hard closer.

If you’re giving Viagra to race horses, for safety reasons, you better put an ejector saddle on all the jockeys riding mares.

Since you asked:
Lord knows I like a cocktail or two. And I can clearly understand wanting to take care of bidness wit’ da’ babes while you are young and single. Having said that, Bode Miller is a frickin’ idiot.

It gives me no pride to say I too have skied and snowboarded brutally hung over. Here is what can happen. A, You can get lucky and have the wild and raucous feeling from the night before carry over into wild and aggressive riding, that is, until you get dehydrated, cramped and delirious from drinking and then exerting yourself at altitude. Or, B, you are tired because you stayed up too late and drinking doesn’t induce restful sleep and, as we all know, fatigue breeds fear and fear is the last thing you need to ski tough. In other words, you get all whimpy.

B is what happened to Bode.

Bode was spent, tired and looked like he wanted to be someplace else. Now, if that is your third day on a ski vacation, that is somewhat understandable, but if it is during the Olympics, it is inexcusable.  

This last trip to Copper Mountain I had a blast. Snowboarded hard, a few beers while jammin’ on harp at the Apres bar, glass of wine or two during dinner and a glass of wine or two while watching the Olympics. But I wasn’t driving anywhere, I drank a ton of water and Gatorade and always went to bed stone sober and woke up feeling great.

When I snowboard I wake up beat up enough, the last thing I want is a stinkin’ hangover.  And if I had decided to go nuts one night the most I had to lose was not taking full advantage of our 2 for 1 $45 lift passes. Not an Olympic gold medal.  

It is even OK to announce that you partied all night before a big athletic contest. See: Joe Namath, Max McGee, Paul Horning, Mickey Mantle, Arnold Palmer, Derek Jeter, Dan Fouts, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre. It is OK to announce that but only after you have won.

It is no secret that booze and sports go together, it is managing them together that is tricky.

In the early Sixties, the coach of the then notoriously hard-charging on and off the ice Chicago Blackhawks, Billy Reay, is credited with installing the mandatory morning skate-around and afternoon nap before games, primarily to sweat out the effects of the night before. As soon as he did, the Blackhawks went from the cellar to the Stanley Cup winners. (A good sweaty work-out followed by re-hydration and rest, in that order, is the only remedy for a hangover) Now both practices are standard in the NBA and the NHL.

When someone wins after partying hard they are seen as a colorful true stud Alpha dog who women want and men want to be. When you announce that you partied like crazy and then you lose, ala Bode, that makes you, hmm, let’s see, oh yes, a drunk loser.  

Maybe that’s what pissed me off the most about Bode Miller half-assed Olympic performance: he violated the secret code of partying athletes. He brought shame to us who like to play hard and celebrate hard and then play hard again. There is an art to everything including mixing fun and playing a sport well. Bode Miller blew it and he made the rest of us look bad in the process.

Bode, if you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Or in your cute little trailer.  

Monday, February 27, 2006

Its time to lay down

Where you been at so long, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

How much drinking?
How much did Bode Miller drink during the Olympics? Let’s just say the guy put the urine in Turin.

Did not Bode well
Apparently the athletes complained about really lousy food at the Torino Olympic village. The the beef was so tough it made athletes choke besides Bode Miller.

Bode Miller has been on so many magazine covers and accomplished so little and partied so hard he is now an honorary Paris Hilton.

How much of a disappointment was Body Miller? Nobody has ever received more publicity for doing less that wasn’t named Kevin or Federline.

Alpine skier Bode Miller was favored in five events and ended up with no medals; I don’t want to say this guy stunk, but he put the B.O. in Bode.

It wasn’t all bad news for Bode Miller, Bode did win; “The Most likely to appear next in “People” magazine’s where are they now?” award.

Bode Miller said that he was proud of his performances at Torino . . . at night; apparently Miller has a different interpretation to the Olympic motto Swifter, Higher, Stronger, Miller got to the bar swifter, and got higher on stronger drinks.

Have you gone to Join It is now a link to Monster

Maddame Toussad’s wax museum announced they will feature a Hillary Clinton figure. It hasn’t been easy to make, the more the figure takes shape and looks like Hillary, the more it scares away the guy working on it.

Lesser of two ewws
Singer George Michael was arrested for drug possession after being “out of it” in his car; All things considered, I’d rather have George Michael out of his mind in his car than out of his pants in a public bathroom.

Sad news
Sadly, Don Knotts, famous for portraying bumbling deputy Barney Fife in “The Andy Griffith Show”, passed away. They will give Knotts a single gun-shot salute if they can find the bullet in his pocket.

Kinda like that
“Sports Illustrated” featured a piece where six great Olympic figure skaters describe what it feels like to fall during a competition. They all agreed it was shocking, embarrassing and painflil, in other words, it was like watching NBC’s “Joey.”

That bad, huh?
Probably the biggest losers in the Torino Olympics were the Olympic cheerleaders. They were so bad and performed so badly and booed so often that they were actually mistaken for the New York Knicks.

Not gonna happen
The Minnesota Timberwolves Kevin Garnett was ejected after he angrily threw a ball into the stands and it hit a fan; that would never happen to the New York Knicks; they don’t have many fans to hit and they couldn’t hit them even if they did.

OK, so picture this if you will

On a good day of sunny warm snowboarding in beautiful Copper Mountain, Colorado, I start talking to a guy on the lift named Paulie who turns out to be the bartender at the big Copper Apres ski place, JJ’s. He tells me they have an awesome guitarist singer, Moe Dixon, who gets the joint a rockin’.  When I ask the barkeep if I can drop his name to ask Moe if I can sit in on harmonica, he gives me the thumbs up without hearing me blow a note.

So, beat as hell, I do a few runs after lunch, tell my lovely wife , Virginia to meet me at JJ’s at 4:00, and I head in and shower up, get dressed, grab my harp box, and head out. Looking good, I might add . . . OK, so I need a hair cut.

A quick shuttle bus ride later I am in JJ’s and I meet Moe. Friendly, nice, truly happy, warm guy, he tells me is more than happy to have me come up. Cool. So I sit down with my Hohner box of harps and order a Fat Tire beer.

Well, it turns out this guy Moe is great. He cranks on acoustic guitar playing rhythm at the same time as lead and he can sing. Knows every song in the world and works the crowd like a master puppeteer. Oh oh. May be in over my head. Then he starts telling great stories about playing with Stephen Stills, Croce, John Hiatt, James Taylor, Buffet, you name it. Gulp.

“Yo, waiter, how’s about a shot of Jagar if you will?”

Virg comes in. I tell her Moe may get me up, but deep down I am thinking maybe I might let it go. No sooner than I think that he calls my name to come up. How did he remember my name when I just told it to him once? Nobody can do that.

I jump up on stage, the bar is packed, probably 150 people, 200 if you include the long bar and he starts playing an amped up “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” “What key?” I ask. He says A. The corresponding cross harp for A is D, so I pull it out. Honk. Ouch. Bad. Not good. Cat-in-agony-bad. So I quickly decide to play A in straight position with an A harp. Not bad. Whew. Made it through. Barely.

Well, Moe must have liked it well enough because he starts to play “Sweet Home Chicago” which I know is in G with a C harp. Truth be told, we rocked. Then a few more blues classics in G cranked up. Now there was ski-boot clomping dancing. Unbelievable. It was the way I always thought Apres skiing should be but never has actually been.

Now Moe orders some “woo hoo” snowboarder girls a Shot Ski: a long ski with holes cut to fit shot glasses. All four tilt the ski back at the same time. The Shot Ski. Much better than their old gimmick, the Shot Enema, if you ask me.

Moe – notice how I call him by his first name now? - called me up during his finale and we jammed on several Jimmy Buffet songs and a few Credence Clearwater jams, including “Down on the Corner” which I know pretty well. Tore the roof off the dump is what we done. It was a blast. Folks where dancing, clapping, going nuts. Got a standing O after he thanked me, if truth be told. Granted, Moe did most of the heavy lifting, but still . . .

Not a bad way to end a great day of snowboarding. Just wish my folks could have lived to have been there, they would have loved that.

The next day, Friday, we skied with Anita, a friend of Virginia’s from College in Colorado, and we reprised JJ’s only it was even better. Even bigger crowd, standing room only, played more songs and more songs that I knew. Than it was off to dinner and then back to the condo for the Olympics on NBC.

Not bad.  Moe Dixon, if you can read this, thanks. You are awesome.

Oh, and where can I get me one of them Shot Skis?

Shout out to my Chicago Homies:

Check out Moe Dixon on tour on June 10th at the West Suburban Symphony in Wheaton. Bring some wine, the set list looks jazzier than Moe’s JJ’s rocking faire but it will be awesome. Tell him Alex, the harp playin’ fool at JJ’s from San Diego, sent you.

Its time to lay down

Where you been at, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Sorry for the delay, Slats and Nuggies. Was in Colorady schoolin’ them Cooper Mountain home-skillet-omelets on the ways of righteous snowboarding. By that I mean, I got out of their way as they screamed past me as I meandered and ambled down the slopes.

Since you asked:

Minnesota Timberwolves Kevin Garnett was kicked out of a game after he tossed a ball into the stands and it hit a fan. The NBA has had problems of players hitting or confronting fans, ala Ron Artest. This is not one of those problems. Garnett, a great guy by all accounts, tossed the ball out of frustration and it accidentally hit a fan. (Imagine? A ball going into the stands at a game?)

The last thing anyone needs to do is defend the behavior of spoiled, petulant NBA players, but fair is fair; unlike Ron Artest, Garnett didn’t mean to hit the fan and he profusely apologized. What a shock, the doughy fan did not accept; he was too busy eyeballing dollar signs floating in his fat head. This greasy, sleaze-bucket terrified his own sobbing daughter by pretending to be badly hurt and insisted on being taken out on a stretcher. (He was reportedly fine soon after)

If this gold-bricking Jamoke doughy fan gets one dime from Garnett or the NBA it is proof that our legal system is more messed up than Bode Miller after happy hour.

Speaking of sports.

This week’s “Sports Illustrated” features a living litmus test; if you can read Rick Reilly’s “Heart and Seoul” about adopted Korean freestyle skier Toby Dawson and Reilly’s own adopted Korean daughter, Rae, and her quest to meet her birth mother without crying, well, you’re dead inside.

Not to say I told you so, but I could have told you so about the celebrity death Trifecta. It was completed today, sadly, with Dennis Weaver. First Don Knotts, then Darren McGavin and now Dennis Weaver. Was a fan of all three but for vastly different reasons. My man was Dennis Weaver. Loved “McCloud.” Weaver was a real cowboy and he was a stud hurdler and decathlete in his day at U of Oklahoma. 6th at the Olympic trials in 1948.

Weaver walked the walk when it came to the environment. Built his house near Telluride all of recycled materials and used solar heating.