It is hard out here
Me and Spell Check (Or is it Spell Check and I?)
Yesterday, I was describing myself to a potential comedy writing client while typing away on Microsoft Word. Don’t you hate Microsoft Word? It is too good. Not many things are too good, but Microsoft Word is one of them. One mistake, one slip of the finger, and you are typing in Arabic and you can’t change it.
The problem with that is that I am fairly certain I don’t speak Arabic. I do speak Chinese. At least I thought I did for about a day when I was four-years-old. One day I blurted out;
“Wing yang zee chong chew high whoo.”
It genuinely shocked and amazed me to know that I could suddenly speak Chinese. It’s basically the same thing our youngest of two yellow Labradors, Wrigley, thinks he can do with English when he blurts out;
“Arrrrr, ewww, rawwwww, oooooewwww, errrrrr.”
Wrigley really thinks he can talk to us. Then, of course, I have to tell Wrigley that, not only isn’t he really speaking English, what he is doing is a really insulting stereotypical bad imitation of us. (Now I know how I made the Chinese feel when I was four) Unfortunately, since, as I have said, Wrigley doesn’t speak English, Wrigley just thinks I am having another conversation with him.
It is somewhat of a vicious circle, is what it is.
So, there I am trying not to write in Arabic on Microsoft Word and I want to describe myself as best and as honestly as I can to this potential comedy writing client, so, naturally, I write that I am one of the comedic geniuses of this millennium. The problem is that I misspell comedic, geniuses and millennium so badly that the spell check can’t figure out what-in-the-hell I am trying to write. In fact, for the first time, my spell check got so frustrated it actually started talking to me.
“Oh, Dude, you’re killing me. I got no idea what those words are supposed to be. Come on, help a brother out, try and spell somewhere in the neighborhood of what it might be.”
Finally after about ten tries, my Microsoft Word Spell Check says;
“Oh, no, you can’t be serious? One of the commeedic geenuiissses of this malennueim? Do you even know what millennium means?”
Now my spell check was not only talking to me, it was actually getting pissed off at me. In an angry rant my Spell Check spit;
“Don’t you think that if you were one of the comedic geniuses of the millennium (he said comedic, geniuses and millennium really slow to sound all smart-alecky) that you might, oh, I don’t know, actually know how to spell comedic geniuses of this millennium?”
By this point Spell Check was yelling at me all Dennis Leary-like. In fact, I think my Spell Check may actually be Dennis Leary. So I ask my Dennis Leary Spell Check;
“So what should I say to describe myself?”
“Oh, how about a little truth-in-advertising?” he says, lighting a cigarette.
“Hey, no smoking in here,” I scold him.
“Blow me.” he says flicking a piece of tobacco off his lip. Then he says;
“Describe yourself as a slightly amusing guy who just might not be a complete and utter idiot.”
Now I was getting pissed at Spell Check Dennis Leary. Sure he has an Emmy for writing and all, but I don’t need to take that, so I shoot back at him;
“OK, smart guy, you really think they are going to hire a guy after he describes himself as a slightly amusing guy who isn’t a total idiot?”
Spell Check Dennis Leary took a long drag off of his Marlboro and swigged his Rum and Coke and hissed;
“Maybe. Who knows? You being a comedic genius and all you might have heard of this thing out there called irony and sarcasm. Try it. Run with it. Bathe in it. Let it be your friend.”
“That rum and Coke looks good” I say, “Where did you get it?”
“You don’t get one, you’re working.”
“Oh, but you get to have one?” I asked indignantly.
“I’m sorry,” Dennis Leary Spell Check said sarcastically; “I forgot, are you the big shot star with an Emmy for best writing or am I? Hmm?”
Well, needless to say I didn’t get the job and Spell Check Dennis Leary and I aren’t speaking to each other anymore. And I never got the rum and Coke.
But at least Wrigley thinks I can speak Chinese, so that’s something anyway.
Yesterday, I was describing myself to a potential comedy writing client while typing away on Microsoft Word. Don’t you hate Microsoft Word? It is too good. Not many things are too good, but Microsoft Word is one of them. One mistake, one slip of the finger, and you are typing in Arabic and you can’t change it.
The problem with that is that I am fairly certain I don’t speak Arabic. I do speak Chinese. At least I thought I did for about a day when I was four-years-old. One day I blurted out;
“Wing yang zee chong chew high whoo.”
It genuinely shocked and amazed me to know that I could suddenly speak Chinese. It’s basically the same thing our youngest of two yellow Labradors, Wrigley, thinks he can do with English when he blurts out;
“Arrrrr, ewww, rawwwww, oooooewwww, errrrrr.”
Wrigley really thinks he can talk to us. Then, of course, I have to tell Wrigley that, not only isn’t he really speaking English, what he is doing is a really insulting stereotypical bad imitation of us. (Now I know how I made the Chinese feel when I was four) Unfortunately, since, as I have said, Wrigley doesn’t speak English, Wrigley just thinks I am having another conversation with him.
It is somewhat of a vicious circle, is what it is.
So, there I am trying not to write in Arabic on Microsoft Word and I want to describe myself as best and as honestly as I can to this potential comedy writing client, so, naturally, I write that I am one of the comedic geniuses of this millennium. The problem is that I misspell comedic, geniuses and millennium so badly that the spell check can’t figure out what-in-the-hell I am trying to write. In fact, for the first time, my spell check got so frustrated it actually started talking to me.
“Oh, Dude, you’re killing me. I got no idea what those words are supposed to be. Come on, help a brother out, try and spell somewhere in the neighborhood of what it might be.”
Finally after about ten tries, my Microsoft Word Spell Check says;
“Oh, no, you can’t be serious? One of the commeedic geenuiissses of this malennueim? Do you even know what millennium means?”
Now my spell check was not only talking to me, it was actually getting pissed off at me. In an angry rant my Spell Check spit;
“Don’t you think that if you were one of the comedic geniuses of the millennium (he said comedic, geniuses and millennium really slow to sound all smart-alecky) that you might, oh, I don’t know, actually know how to spell comedic geniuses of this millennium?”
By this point Spell Check was yelling at me all Dennis Leary-like. In fact, I think my Spell Check may actually be Dennis Leary. So I ask my Dennis Leary Spell Check;
“So what should I say to describe myself?”
“Oh, how about a little truth-in-advertising?” he says, lighting a cigarette.
“Hey, no smoking in here,” I scold him.
“Blow me.” he says flicking a piece of tobacco off his lip. Then he says;
“Describe yourself as a slightly amusing guy who just might not be a complete and utter idiot.”
Now I was getting pissed at Spell Check Dennis Leary. Sure he has an Emmy for writing and all, but I don’t need to take that, so I shoot back at him;
“OK, smart guy, you really think they are going to hire a guy after he describes himself as a slightly amusing guy who isn’t a total idiot?”
Spell Check Dennis Leary took a long drag off of his Marlboro and swigged his Rum and Coke and hissed;
“Maybe. Who knows? You being a comedic genius and all you might have heard of this thing out there called irony and sarcasm. Try it. Run with it. Bathe in it. Let it be your friend.”
“That rum and Coke looks good” I say, “Where did you get it?”
“You don’t get one, you’re working.”
“Oh, but you get to have one?” I asked indignantly.
“I’m sorry,” Dennis Leary Spell Check said sarcastically; “I forgot, are you the big shot star with an Emmy for best writing or am I? Hmm?”
Well, needless to say I didn’t get the job and Spell Check Dennis Leary and I aren’t speaking to each other anymore. And I never got the rum and Coke.
But at least Wrigley thinks I can speak Chinese, so that’s something anyway.
posted by Alex at
4:52 PM
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