It is hard out here

          


You best got to hit that but good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Meshugener Mel
The results of Floyd Landis’s second urine test confirm that he took a synthetic testosterone. Landis has denied the charges and today, Mel Gibson blamed the test result on the Jews.

Testy
The fact that it was synthetic testosterone proved that Landis took them in an exogenous manner.
It was awkward when President Bush heard Landis testosterone was exogenous, he gasped; “Oh no, he’s possessed? Did his head spin around?”

It was awkward, when President Bush heard Landis testosterone was taken exogenously, he replied; “But I thought he was a Mennonite.”  

Fill in the blank
Due to the second positive test for performance enhancing drugs, Floyd Landis has been stripped of his Tour De France title and the new winner is a cyclist-who will-also-get-caught-cheating-to-be-named later.  

Floyd Landis has brought shame, cheating, lying and dishonor to the Tour De France. For as we all know, shame, cheating, lying and dishonor have no place in sports, they should be in Congress where they belong.


Despite his denials, Floyd Landis will have to admit his mistake. So once again, the United States’ best cyclist will be eating crow.

Britney we wish we hardly knew yee
The Hollywood gossip site T.M.Z. has a candid video clip, filmed by Kevin Federline, of a spaced out, rambling Britney Spears. In this video, Britney could not look trashier if she was spoon-feeding herself pork rinds with a smoldering Marlboro dangling from the corner of her lips.

Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, but, if you are alone with Kevin Federline and you sound like the dumbest hick in the room, you might be a redneck.

To give you an idea how stupid Britney looks in the clip, it is now obvious when Britney sings “Oops, I Did It Again” she is talking about flunking out of the second grade.  

Sissy rule
The NFL has implemented rule changes that are intended to protect the quarterback. Now, I don’t want to say they’ve gone too far to protect the quarterback, but it is now illegal for a defender to wrinkle or muss the quarterback’s skirt.

Finally
General Motors and Ford are working with Apple to integrate the iPod in their cars. So now drivers can listen to their favorite songs while waiting for the ambulance after they crash from talking on the phone and working on their computer.

Paris in anytime
In an interview with “G.Q.” magazine, Paris Hilton reiterated her plans of remaining celibate for a year. In a related story, the stock price for Trojan Brand condoms plummeted in massive selling.  

Keep in mind, Paris’s idea of being celibate is only having sex with one person at a time.  

Handy reference
Stripped Tour De France winner, Floyd Landis tested positive for too much testosterone and blamed it on drinking whisky the night before. Landis then continued work on his book, “How To Humiliate Your Mennonite Parents.”