It is hard out here

It’s go time, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ouch
Scientists now know that humans caught aids from chimpanzees. This means some woman dated a chimp even before Heather Locklear dated David Spade.

Yikes
Doctors report that a 28-year-old woman in England has 250 orgasms a day. You think that’s amazing? You should see her electric bill.

This is the first known case of a woman who has ever had to fake not having an orgasm.

Doctors report that a 28-year-old woman in England has 250 orgasms a day. Or as Hillary calls 250 orgasms: ten lifetimes.

Doctors report that a 28-year-old woman in England has 250 orgasms a day. Her health is fine other than her smoker’s hack. She has a cigarette after each orgasm. She’s up to fourteen packs a day.

Ut-shay Up-ay, Iran-ay
Iran’s parliament said it would hit back if attacked by the U.S. To which Saddam Hussein told Iran; “Dudes, ix-nay on the it-hay ack-bay.”

Makes sense
Heather Locklear broke up with David Spade. It didn’t work out when Heather suddenly realized she was Heather Locklear and he was David Spade.

Hate to hear that
Enron chief Kenneth Lay was found guilty of all counts of fraud. The bad news for Kenneth Lay? The inmates at the prison he is going to are saying; “Lay. Nobody can eat just one.”

Enron chief Kenneth Lay was found guilty of all counts of fraud. As a result, Ken has to legally change his name from Lay to Screwed.

Lay was charged with 12 counts of perjury and conspiracy and one count of impersonating Martha Stewart.

No sympathy needed
The Miami Heat came back from a big deficit but lost to the Detroit Pistons to tie the series 1-1; it was such a great Miami comeback that you felt sorry for the Heat’s Shaquille O’Neal. That is, until you remember Shaq is a billionaire with a size 23 shoe and corresponding body parts.

Who was Taylor’s tailor?
Taylor Hicks won “American Idol.” Is Taylor really going to become a rock star? Because to me Taylor Hicks kind of looks like the day manager at an Olive Garden. “How is your Linguini, sir?”  

You know what one of the best perks of winning “American Idol” is?  Free pizza delivery for life from Justin Guarini.


Dudely copping a ‘tudely
Now that Taylor Hicks has won “American Idol” he can’t wait to get trashed at the wrap party and call Simon Cowell a big girl’s blouse.


Since you asked:

So there I am at my daughter’s soccer practice and her coach is giving me tips on how to juggle the ball (Tapping it in the air, Hacky Sack style, with thighs and feet as many times as you can before it hits the ground)

All of a sudden, Ann Caroline asks me to show her friends this drill where you place your right foot on top of the ball and then switch back and forth as fast as you can without tripping or kicking the ball or stepping on it. It is an agility drill that I am proud to say I am pretty good at.

Isn’t that sweet, I thought, my daughter is proud of her ol’ Dad and wants to show me off for her friends. So I start furiously hopping up and down, trying to go real fast to impress them, complete with my patented arms-out-for-balance technique. All of a sudden, Ann Caroline says to the girls;

“Doesn’t he look like a chicken?”