We gonna get us some of the get some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Uh, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
In reviewing Harriet Miers’s writing, many of her letters to President Bush were fawning and obsequious. It was awkward though, when they asked President Bush if he thought Miers letters were obsequious, Bush said; “No, they were English, I don’t speak Obsequia.”Good move
An article that will be published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation claims that smoking marijuana can actually stimulate brain growth. In a related story, President Bush has decided to drop Harriet Miers and nominate Snoop Dog to the Supreme Court.Feeling old now
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” Now, I don’t want to imply that Sly is getting too old to be Rocky, but instead of punching huge sides of frozen beef, Rocky just pulls out the hairs in the meatloaf at the early bird special.
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” Now, I don’t want to imply that Sly is getting too old to be Rocky, but instead of chugging raw eggs, Rocky just has a tiny sip of eggbeaters.
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6” This one is titled “Rocky 6: A Fight to Remember Where the Hell I Parked.”
In this one a huge fight breaks out when Rocky’s nemesis tries to change the channel at the rest home from “Matlock” re-runs to “Wheel of Fortune.” Jeeze
A 39-year-old Arkansas woman had her 16th child. Even their pet rabbit Humpy said; ‘C’mon you two, give it a rest, will yah?”Well?
There is a new James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig. However critics demand to know if Craig has ever slept with a beautiful counter-spy, drank four shaken vodka martinis and then beat up a bad guy while wearing a tuxedo? Or is he just another President Bush crony appointment? Early Migration
It has been raining like crazy back east. In New York, it is so wet and dreary that Donald Trump’s toupee flew south for the winter.Oh, and that other thing
Barbara Walters interviewed the new King of Saudi Arabia and he admitted that the Saudi people have disagreements with the United States. The disagreements are over women’s rights, oil prices and, oh, yeah, we kind of don’t like that whole Saudi’s-supporting-terrorists thing.Are you in a well?
This week President Bush had a teleconference with several soldiers in Iraq. It took the first ten minutes for the soldiers to convince the President that they were on speaker phone and not, in fact, down in a well.Uh, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it 2
The US and Mexican military have announced that they are planning joint operations to reduce the sale of drugs into the U.S. When informed, President Bush exclaimed, “How the heck are they going to reduce drugs with a darn joint operation?”Wake up call
Mary-Kate Olsen has dropped out of New York University. Mary-Kate decided to quit when she was up late writing an economic paper and suddenly she discovered that, in economic terms, she is a freakin’ billionaire.On the pills again
Radio host Rush Limbaugh complained that he should be included with Bono, George Clooney, and former President Clinton, on the list of Alpha male yet sophisticated Ubersexuals. So, apparently, Rush is back on the OxyContin whacky pills again.Sounds familiar
Tropical Storm Wilma broke the record for a hurricane season. Tropical Storm Wilma then locked out hurricane Fred Flintstone when he went outside to let out the hurricane Sabertooth tiger.Retro-sexual
First there were Metro Sexuals, now Men’s Vogue has announced ubersexuals, refined yet masculine men. Remember, ubersexuals are not to be confused with Hoover-sexuals, those are men who simply suck at sex.Secret Weapon
The US and Mexican military have announced that they are planning joint operations to reduce the sale of drugs into the U.S. In a related story, the US Army would like to unveil their new weapon to get rid of a lot of drugs. Introducing: Brigadier General Kate Moss.Trojans on the Long Horns
USC and Texas are alone atop the college football BCS ratings and could play and in championship although the schools are very different.Here are the Top Ten Differences between USC and Texas
10, At Texas you worry about getting hit by a tornado. At USC you worry about getting hit by Lindsay Lohan. Advantage: USC
9, USC has a running back who’s hard to tackle named Bush. Texas had a governor named Bush who had a hard time tackling math. Advantage: USC
8, USC has a sexually suggestive team name: The Trojans. Texas has a sexually suggestive team name: The Long Horns. Advantage: Texas.
7, Texas has barbeques, USC has Toga parties. Advantage: Budweiser
6, USC’s mascot is a horse name Traveler. Texas mascot is a Steer named BEVO. Have you ever tried to Barbeque a horse? Advantage: Texas
5, This isn’t a Texas, USC thing, but do those women on “The View” ever shut up?
4, USC Quarterback Matt Leinhart has Nick Lechay crashing on his couch. Guys at Texas have downloads of Jessica Simpson crashing their hard drives. Advantage: Texas.
3, USC is in a blue state. Texas is in a red state. The Minnesota Vikings are in a state of disarray. Advantage: Green Bay Packers.
2, USC is in an urban area. Texas is in an area with urban cowboys. Advantage: John Travolta.
1, Texas is subjected to dust storms, flash floods, scorpions, rattle snakes, swarming killer bees and scorching summer heat. USC is in Los Angeles and is therefore subjected to Joan Rivers.
Advantage: Texas Long Time Gone
The last time the Chicago White Sox were in the World Series was 1959. In 1959 there were no color televisions, General Dwight D. Eisenhower was president and Cher had just announced her first Farewell tour.