Saturday, July 23, 2005

These just in:

It has been hot in California. It is so hot, people in Sacramento are hanging around Arnold Schwarzenegger just to feel his popularity cooling off.

The San Diego Padres have gone 0-4 on their road trip ever since San Diego Union Tribune sent a writer/ photographer, Sean M. Haffey to cover their life on the road. To quote Russell Crowe’s Captain Jack Aubry in “Master and Commander,” the men can abide a lot, they cannot abide a Jonah. It is clear what has to be done: Haffey needs to grab a cannonball and jump in the ocean.

It has been hot. I’ve been sweating like Jude Law and his Nanny used to during baby’s nap time.

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant;

Sure, many readers dial up this here a.L.b.b. up for grins and giggles and, for the most part, I am happy to play the fool. But sometimes I get tired of being the proverbial dancing bear. Sometimes I’ve got things I’d like to get off my chest. I’ve got opinions. Sure, not everyone is going to agree with them, but that’s fine. If someone chooses to be offended, well too bad. Here goes:

I like grilled red bell peppers.

There it is. I said it. It’s out there. I stand by that.

Grilled them peppers for an awesome antipasto – what it has against pasto I don’t know (in my best Groucho) - side dish of grilled peppers, grilled asparagus and grilled zucchini, served with my olive oil, wine, lemon juice and garlic marinated pork loin. A little rice pilaf, and Bob is your frickin’ Uncle.

THEN, this morgan, I took the leftover grilled peppers and put them in my Feta cheese scrambled eggs. Topped with a little salsa and, boom, Bob is, again, your Frickin’ Uncle.

Today? TiVo’d “Tour de France” time trial stage. Run, lift. Haircut. And tonight our band is playing at a block party in Point Loma on Adair street around 7:00 pm. Should be fun, friends picnicking, daughter up on stage with one of those egg shaker thingies.

Again, if I offended you with that bold grilled red pepper statement, I am sorry.

Friday, July 22, 2005

It did what it do when it do what it did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lay down the Law
Jude Law had to break up with his fiancé after he admitted sleeping with his child’s nanny. The Nanny claims she tried to resist, but you know how that goes: she fought the Law and Law won.

Big doings
This has been a big week for John Roberts; first he was nominated for the Supreme Court and today he won the Pat Sajak look-alike contest.

Can you blame him?
Colin Farrell is suing the distribution of a sex tape that shows him having sex for 17 minutes with a “Playboy” Playmate. If there was a tape of me having sex with a Playmate for 17 minutes, I’d also sue. I wouldn’t want it distributed by amateurs; I’d want it distributed by Universal Pictures.

We kid my birthplace of Kentucky
A new study ranks Kentucky as the country’s unhealthiest state because so many people in Kentucky smoke, drink too much, eat badly, and don’t exercise. No wonder they sleep with their relatives, their too out of shape to chase down anyone outside the family.

Or something like that
General William Westmoreland has passed away at the age of 91. However, using Westmoreland’s Vietnam era calculations, he was more like 145.

Good idea
Satellite TV is now available on cars. This is good. That way you can watch yourself on the news when they report on the car accident you caused while watching satellite TV instead of driving.

Anything but that
Michael Jackson says he wants to move to Berlin. Upon hearing this, Berlin invaded Poland again just to get away from Michael Jackson.

Terrell Owens, hallowed by thy name
Philadelphia Eagles receiver, Terrell Owens, said; “I can’t worry if people hate me, people used to hate on Jesus.” Well, he’s right to compare himself to Jesus. After all, wasn’t it Jesus who said; “Thou shalt not honor thy $49 million dollar contract”?

OK, can I just say, ewwww?
We have an update on that couple in England, where the 31-year-old man married the 70-year-old woman. They asked him if his bride wore panties on their honeymoon, he said; “Depends.”

No truth
There is no, repeat, no truth to the rumor that there is a cell-group Mexican version of al Qaeda: al Quesadilla.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Who gonna stop this? Who gonna stop this? Oh, no, we ain’t gonna be stopped up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is . . . it?
It is hot and muggy. I was sweating like Karl Rove being called into the Oval office.

It’s is hot. I’m sweating like Mike Tyson’s first porn partner.

Not sure about your choice on that one, Mike, baby
Mike Tyson said he wants to be porn star. That could be a problem for the director: “Listen Iron Mike, you were doing fine, but when I said give her the money shot, you don’t punch her.”

First Mike Tyson said that, after retiring from boxing, he wanted to be a missionary. Now he says he wants to be a porn star. I guess he meant he wanted to be a porn star specializing in the missionary position.

Get it?
President Bush is delaying making a decision on firing his top aid, Karl Rove, because Rove leaked CIA information to the press. For Bush, it’s a case of Rove vs. Wait.

Good news bad news thang
President Bush nominated John Roberts for the Supreme Court. It’s bitter sweet for Roberts. On one hand, he’s nominated for the highest court in the land; on the other, he was nominated by Bush. That’s like getting a hole-in-one because your ball hit the windmill and went in.

Weighty issue
Twenty percent of all male recruits and forty percent of all female recruits are too fat to serve in the military. I say they should just accept them, and then change their slogan from “An Army of One” to “An Army of One Huge Ass.”

No question about it
In San Diego, Councilman Michael Zucchet was mayor for one day before he was convicted of extortion with a strip club. One day as mayor and the guy is convicted on taking bribes from a strip club. That means just one thing: Zucchet is congressional material.

Oh brother
Loud-mouth Philadelphia Eagles receiver, Terrell Owens, said; “I can’t worry if people hate me, people used to hate on Jesus.” After comparing himself to Jesus, does this mean that now when Owens scores he is going give all praise to himself?

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was a receiver I wouldn’t want to compare myself to a guy with holes in his hands.

What is with John Kerry’s face lift? Have you seen him lately? He has the permanent expression of a John who just found out the hooker he was with is a transvestite.

Since you asked;
OK, maybe I didn’t deserve to be Pope being married and not Catholic and all that. But if they wanted to go in different direction than John Paul II, like they said, they couldn’t have done better than me. He spoke ten languages fluently? I barely speak one. He was learned and a poet? Not so much here. He was celibate and chaste? Well, don’t make me bring up my years at Santa Barbara and New York and when I was single in San Diego. No, you couldn’t have gone more in another direction from John Paul II than me.

But now President Bush says he wanted someone for the Supreme Court who wasn’t a judge. Hello? Not being a judge over here. Not even an attorney. Who does he pick? A damn judge.

What does a brother have to do to get a little love light shown on him?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

This just in:

In San Diego, Councilman Michael Zucchet was mayor for one day before he was convicted of extortion involving a strip club. Even ex-con, ex-D.C. Mayor Marion Berry is saying; “Wow, that guy is good.”

Zucchet called a press conference to announce he was resigning as councilman. Gee, yah think? That’s like Michael Jackson announcing he will no longer perform at children’s birthday parties.

All the Federales say, they could've had him any day
They only let him slip away, out of kindness I suppose,
Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(“Pancho and Lefty”, Emmylou Harris version)

Stole my own joke
59-year-old Sylvester Stallone announced he is making “Rocky 6.” The big match in the film is held in Las Vegas and I believe it is billed as “The Geezers at Caesars.”

Not good
Mike Tyson said he wants to be porn star. I’m not sure that’s a good idea. At least when he was boxing, the only thing Tyson could bite off was an ear.

Sight joke
Remember Bo Derek in “10”? They are going to remake “10” starring Jessica Simpson. Or as Jessica calls “10.”(All fingers extended) This many.

Imagine that?
Lance Armstrong has a huge lead after 16 stages of the 22 stage “Tour de France.” Armstrong’s lead is so big, the French have already surrendered to him.

Right off the top
NFL player agent Drew Rosenhaus performed CPR to save a boy pulled unconscious from a pool at Disney World. The good news is the boy is going to be fine. The bad news? That boy will owe Rosenhaus 10% of everything he earns for the rest of his life.

Sorry, Slick Willy
At a ceremony with President Bush, four women from Northwestern’s NCAA championship woman’s Lacrosse team wore flip flops to the White House; in fact, there were more flip flops at the White House than if John Kerry had been elected.

An Army of Ton
Twenty percent of all male recruits and forty percent of all female recruits are too fat to serve in the military. I say they should just accept them, just change their slogan to; “We eat more before nine o’clock than most people eat all day.”

I wonder what Pamela’s attraction is to Tommy? Hmm?
The rumor is that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are married again. This marks their third marriage and a severe blow to guy’s theory that size does not matter.

Why does Pamela keep going back to Tommy Lee? The same reason women roll their eyes when guys say it’s not the size of the vessel but the motion of the ocean.

Sadly, a man in Washington State died after he was – I’m not sure how to put this – overly romanced by a stallion. In a related story, after hearing this, Pamela Anderson divorced Tommy Lee and is now engaged to that horse.

Sadly, Scotty from “Star Trek,” James Doohan, passed away at 85. Did you know that nobody actually said on the original “Star Trek” show, “Beam me up, Scotty”? That bit of trivia has been used a million of times by Trekkies on a date and it has never, ever, impressed one single woman.

Since you asked;
Lord help me, I love that Tour de France. Love the scenery, love the strategy, love the races, love the English accents on the O.L.N. announcers, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen. Even like that Bob Roll guy who gestures with his hands like an Italian on crack playing Charades.

After a good work out, as I am getting ready to grill some marinated something or another, and I flip on my TiVo’d T.D.F. stage whatever, with my generous glass of red wine and pistacio nuts at the ready, I am one happy U.C.S.B. Fighting Gaucho alumnus. (Shameless alma mater plug)

The only suggestion I might have to the commentating team is for Phil to lighten up on the description of “the bronzed legs of the riders.” It gives me the same creepy feeling of when Michael Jackson reads a bedtime story. And somebody tell Sherwen the riders aren’t carrying any suitcases.

Right about now, Lance Armstrong reminds me of that rich kid who got early acceptance to his Dad’s Ivy League school. The other riders are all struggling like crazy studying for finals and he’s lounging by the Country Club pool in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses sipping a boat drink. Who said life was fair? Not the French.

Just so you know:
Anyone who thinks Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, I say fine on one condition: they only get in after Rosie Ruiz gets into the Marathon Hall of Fame, as they are all in the exact same category.

How about my man, Derek "Sammy who?" Lee? Leading the National League in hits, homers and second to another Lee in R.B.I.'s and that's only because everyone batting in front of Lee has been in a half-season slump.

Mark my words: Cubbies start their surge now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

This just in:
President Bush is still trying to decide who he wants to nominate for the Supreme Court. Is this really a good idea? I like President Bush, but I get the impression Bush has had to call the 1-800 help number on his shampoo bottle more than a couple of times.

"Yeah, I know it says rinse and repeat, but it don't say how many times."

We gonna bring it. Oh, yes, we gonna bring on home to you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How….hot….is it?
It is has been hot lately. I’m sweating like an adult Harry Potter fan asking for a date.

Truth in advertising
Hurricane Emily is growing in strength. In fact, Hurricane Emily is blowing so much they are going to call it Hurricane Paris Hilton.

Not positive here
The new Harry Potter book is out. Harry Potter is 17. I think this one is called “Harry Potter: Give Someone Else a Chance in the Bathroom.”

The new Harry Potter book is out. Harry Potter is 17. In this one Harry uses his magical powers to hide “Playboy” magazines under his mattress.

Good news
In health news, doctors gave Dick Cheney a clean bill of health. They said, theoretically, Cheney could go on to serve even more terms as President.

"Uh, no, Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .”
It was embarrassing, when asked about the C.I.A. leaks, they asked President Bush if he thought Karl Rove was duplicitous, Bush said, “No, I think he’s just right handed.”

It was embarrassing, when asked about the C.I.A. leaks, they asked President Bush if he thought Karl Rove was duplicitous, Bush said, “No, I think he’s protestant.”

Not since then, huh?
Karl Rove continues to be grilled about leaking C.I.A. information to the press. The last time there were this many leaks at the White House, Monica Lewinski was wearing a blue dress.

Have you seen the video for Jessica Simpson’s “These Boots Are Made For Walking”? It’s pretty wild. Even Christine Aguilera is saying; “Whoa, girlfriend, easy there. Put some clothes on.”

So mean
Camilla Parker Bowles received her own coat of arms Sunday which includes a boar, a lion and a crown. That’s better than the first design that featured a pig, a broken mirror and a head covered with a paper bag.

Shaq atttack
NBA star Shaquille O’Neal has five rap albums out including a greatest hits collection. That’s like Kobe Bryant releasing a book on dating etiquette.

NBA star Shaquille O’Neal has five rap albums out including a greatest hits collection. A Shaq greatest hits rap CD? That’s like Camilla Parker Bowles releasing a DVD on Beauty Tips.

Yeah, right pal
Warner Brothers will release a three-disc DVD set of “The Wizard of Oz” for $40. Picture some guy in a video store buying it and his buddies walk in.

“Sir, here is that “Wizard of Oz” set you wanted.”

“Ahem, huh? No, I, uh, I didn’t want this, I said “Girls Gone Wild.”

Monday, July 18, 2005

We ain't gonna bring all that mess, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not a good sign
The Los Angeles Dodgers have lost seven out of eight games. It’s not looking good, at this point the Dodgers are to baseball what Saddam Hussein is to underwear modeling.

A “woo-who” girl hurricane
Hurricane Emily pounded the Mexican resort island of Cozumel this weekend. It was rough, after too many margaritas, hurricane Emily woke up next to a fat, snoring insurance broker from Cleveland named Ralph.

Hurricane Emily pounded the Mexican resort island of Cozumel and is reportedly headed toward Cancun. Apparently Emily is the first hurricane that likes to get drunk on margaritas and have sex with vacationing accountants.

The full treatment
Brad Pitt was released from the hospital last week after contracting viral meningitis. Although there is no specific treatment for viral meningitis, Pitt received pain medication, an I.V. and 37 sponge baths from the nursing staff.

The New York Post reports that someone is trying to sell a film of Colin Farrell having sex. But like most Colin Ferrell films, it will probably languish at the box office and quickly go to video.

It took some time but, it was bound to happen
Tiger Woods won the British Open. Some attribute Woods resurgence to his re-tooled swing; some say it’s because he’s more relaxed, and I say Woods is playing so well because his marriage to Swedish bikini model Erin Nordegen is now in the “Let’s watch Leno instead” stage.

Same deal
Drew Barrymore says she will quit acting and become a director when her “boobs start sagging.” That’s essentially the same reason Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor.

Brazilian police say a gang of thieves robbed an armored truck carrying 400 breast implants. In a related story, an anonymous Brazilian gang has applied to open a chain of Hooters restaurants.

The Village People cop, Victor Willis, was arrested outside of San Francisco for possession of crack cocaine. That is why he was fired from the Village People, he was into the wrong kind of crack.

Slim and none
There were hundreds of adult “Harry Potter” parties held to celebrate the release of the new “Harry Potter” book over the weekend. “I’ll take “People who have even less of a chance of having sex than Star Trek fans” for 100, Alex.”

Who could have guessed?
Apple is celebrating that iTunes has sold its 500 millionth song. The bad news for Apple? The song was the Critters Buggin’ song titled “Bill Gates.”

In general this has been a slow summer at the box office. That one new movie really tanked was the latest Michael Moore documentary: “Things I’ve Found in the Folds of My Fat.”

Since you asked:
This isn’t going to be funny – no big shock there for my regular readers – and I am probably qualified neither as a writer nor a Decathlete, but I wanted to share my amazing multi-event U.C.S.B. reunion this weekend in honor of our Decathlon/Heptathlon coach Sam Adams and his 73’rd birthday.

Sam is arguably the greatest Decathlon/Heptathlon coach that ever lived. Sam has guided all kinds of athletes, from Olympic gold medalists and world record holders down to a certain smart-mouthed knuckle head with a chronically bad hamstring. But no matter who Sam was guiding, Sam always treated everyone the exact same: he treated us perfectly.

Not arguably, and more importantly, Sam Adams is one of the best human beings that ever lived. Period. His influence and inspiration to us multi-event participants at U.C.S.B. in the late seventies and early eighties – quite simply about the finest group of people I have had the honor to know – is immeasurable and ever-lasting. Sam has always done everything with an ethereal sense of nobility, class and grace; now Sam is fighting Alzheimer’s disease with that same nobility, class and grace. It is as inspiring as it is terribly sad.

Sam gave the most touching speech I’ve ever witnessed and all he said was;

“Thank you. You are wonderful people . . .” Sam then had to gather himself, but, in an emotionally strained voice, he finished with four words; “And I love you.”

Nothing will compare to that sight of the best and toughest athletes that ever stepped on a track – men and women still fit, strong and vibrant well into their forties and fifties - all crying at once. That display of respect and love was as wonderful as it was heart breaking.

We love you too, Sam. Always will.