Saturday, June 11, 2005

Caffiene fueled Saturday rant:

Just saw my daughter’s first soccer game at a soccer tournament. You know how things are either bigger or smaller than you think they’ll be? I pictured a Norman Rockwell picnic and walked into the Olympic Games.

It was huge. Nobody knows how many teams and fields. Vendors, police, security guards. Games as far as the eye could see. It reminded me of the hospital scene in “Gone with the Wind” Cut to: wounded soldier on the ground. Pan out to more wounded soldiers until finally there are thousands and thousands.

What am I getting into here? Somehow I feel like one of those guys who joined the Army because he wanted to be the sword-fighting-the-dragon-guy and ends up face down in the mud in an obstacle course with a drill sergeant foot on his butt insulting him in new and disgustingly creative ways.

But, I will admit it was fun. The parents seem really nice and funny, the kids played hard and had a blast and played well. It really doesn’t matter what the score was.

(Psst, our girls destroyed them 5 to 2. Ann Caroline was a veritable force on defense)

Had a rare boys-night-out last night. It was fun, but I am really, really glad I had that last margarita because that is what I needed more than anything.

Good lord I am an idiot.

Friday, June 10, 2005

We gonna bring it ‘till we sting it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Are they sure about that?
In an ironic twist, in London they named a beautiful pink rose after Camilla Parker Bowles; that’s like naming the baby-sitter-of-the-year award after Michael Jackson.

In an ironic twist, in London they named a beautiful pink rose after Camilla Parker Bowles, that was much nicer then their original plan: to just name the thorns after her.

Good luck
In a violent border-town in Mexico, a police chief was gunned-down the same day he was sworn in. Good luck finding someone to run for that office. Even Ralph Nader and Al Gore aren’t desperate enough to run for that office.

Goes well with corndogs (Again, we kid the NASCAR. Personally, I like it)

NASCAR has its own brand of wine; or as NASCAR fans call wine: that funny tasting flat beer.

The problem is if you drink too much NASCAR wine you wake up and your girlfriend has left, your dog is missing and your truck won’t start.

If you drink too much of the NASCAR wine, you can only walk in counter-clockwise circles.

The NASCAR wine was produced at Trailer Park Meadows winery.

The NASCAR wine is described in its ads as subtle, yet austere, bold, yet quaffable, in short, it’s some right tasty buzz-coppin’ swillin’ juice right there, boy. Wooooo whoooooo.

NASCAR has a wine. “I’ll take potent potables that Martha Stewart will never, ever, drink for 100, Alex.”

The new NASCAR wine brings up an interesting question: normally white wine goes with Turkey, but do you go with a red or white when serving Turkey Jerky?

Here’s an entertainment tip: if you’re having Martha Stewart for dinner and you can’t get her to leave? Just break out some NASCAR wine.

How bad is the NASCAR wine? Even Ted Kennedy won’t drink it.

The NASCAR in NASCAR wine stands for Nobody Able to Swill this Crap that Ain’t Ripped.

Good traveling companion
Bill Clinton’s book 957 page book “My Life” is now out in paperback. It is also available on CD and is perfect for making those Northern Canada to the tip of South America road trips fly by.

Negotiations are under way
The Los Angeles Lakers are negotiating to bring Phil Jackson back; Phil insists on certain conditions: higher salary, veto over trades and that Kobe Bryant gets a personal chef on the road so he doesn’t ever have to order room service.

Since you asked:
If I had to say which one I was, a slob or a neat freak, I think I would have to say slob. In fact, I would have to think about it for whole split second. More specifically, I rank, in our house, only ahead of Wrigley as the biggest slob and that’s just because I don’t eat rabbit poop and roll in the mud. OK, fine, I don’t eat rabbit poop.

Yes, our dog Kasey ranks ahead of me in neatness, but in my defense, she is a meticulous dog. Ann Caroline is only six and she is much neater then me and my lovely wife Virginia falls somewhere between Felix Unger and that psycho guy in “Sleeping with the Enemy.”

But I feel my sloppiness deserves an asterisk. I am only a slob to a point. I get to where I can’t take it anymore and then it is time for a cleaning frenzy. That is where I am now.

When I finally decide to clean up my office it takes on the look of a combination C.S.I. investigation, Hazmat bio-suit clean up and archeology dig. Like the great Louis Leaky himself, I find that the garbage has layers spread over time.

Here is my thinking: if you have a clean office all the time, how can you enjoy it? It is that wonderful clipped-toe-and-finger-nails-just-flossed feeling you get when your office transforms from a pig-sty to clean.

Speaking of the yellow Labrador beasts, they have been cracking me up lately. Kasey, in her advancing years, (she is ten) has turned into a worried little ol’ bitty and Wrigley, at three, has grown into even more of a knucklehead.

As I have mentioned, every morning Wrigley acts like a little boy in fuzzy, footy p.j.s on Christmas day. He is simply beside himself with unbridled joy that he gets to eat the same thing for breakfast and then bound outside and torment poor Kasey. Not to even mention that he gets to eat those delicious rabbit pellets. From watching him go at them, you’d think we had sprinkled M&M’s on the lawn.

Kasey’s attitude is one of; “Oh, well, I guess nothing horrible has happened so far.”

For Wrigley think combination of "Pooh Corner" Gopher and Tigger and for Kasey think a cross between Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

This just in:
Russell Crowe said he’s tried to call and apologize to the concierge he hit with a phone, but he’s not taking his calls. Of course he isn’t answering, the guy is terrified to go near a phone.

In addition to “Cinderella Man” Russell Crowe has a new music CD out; it features a very touching rendition of Jim Croce’s “Operator.”

In addition to “Cinderella Man” Russell Crowe has a new music CD out; ironically, these songs make really good ring tones for your cell phone.

This right here is how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The big question
Everyone is waiting to find out if Michael Jackson moonwalks or if Michael goes to prison to become the other white meat.

Not all bad
Lisa Marie Presley told an interviewer that she did have sex with Michael Jackson but the sex wasn’t that great. But Lisa Marie did say it wasn’t all bad, one part of sex with Michael was great. Three words: Bubbles the chimp.

Anchors away
“The Tonight Show” had the Navy in their audience last night. There is only one problem of having so many sailors in the audience: trying to keep Paris Hilton away.

Double knot seven in a knot
The actor who played Jethro in “The Beverly Hillbillies,” Max Baer Jr. is upset at how his heavy weight champion father, Max Baer, was portrayed as a bad guy in “Cinderella Man.” Baer particularly didn’t care for that scene when Russell Crowe’s character hit his Dad with a phone.

How hot is it?
It is so hot in New York people were asking Russell Crowe to throw a phone at them just so they could be knocked out cold.

Spread it around
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at the “Batman Begins” premiere. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I think they like each other.

Did you see Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at the “Batman Begins” premiere? My word those two have a lot of teeth. Those two have more teeth than the city of Charleston West Virginia.

Let’s take a moment or two and ponder that
At a big Hollywood party, reportedly there was a big cat fight with Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan. Can you imagine a cat fight between Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan? . . . oh, sorry. I got lost there for a second. Uh, what were we talking about?

That’s bad
John Kerry’s transcripts were released and his grades were lower then President Bush’s Yale grades. How’d you like to find out you were dumber than Bush? That’s like being told by Tom Cruise you’re acting nuts.

Oh, we kid the Red States
NASCAR is coming out with a brand of wine. It’s the perfect choice for those romantic dinners with your cousin.

Thanks but pass, Grandpa
Michael Jackson’s father, Joe, says he will care for Michael’s kids if he’s found guilty. When asked to comment, Michael Jackson’s infant son replied; “No thanks, I’d rather dangle from a hotel balcony.”

Who else besides Bono?
The United States and Briton are working hard together to try and come up with a solution to help Africa, but the problems are so complicated, so immense, they are starting to realize there is really only one person who can straighten this out. That’s right, Angelina Jolie.

A catchy tune
A German researcher found a lost 1713 Aria by Johann Sebastian Bach. It was a song originally written to help launch Cher’s first farewell tour.

For some reason it didn’t work
Russell Crowe gave an apology for hitting a hotel worker with a phone on “The Late Show with David Letterman” directly after being released from jail. Crowe didn’t have any choice but to make the talk show appearance, he couldn’t cancel, the phone in his room wasn’t working.

Bill Clinton’s book “My Life” is now out in paperback. It has some new features, but I’m not sure about that one new feature: the Monica Scratch and Sniff.

Bill Clinton has offered to help President Bush extend and renew Clinton’s African Growth and Opportunity Act. Oh, who is Clinton trying to kid? He just wants to go to Africa to work with Angelina Jolie.

Since you asked:

Three women planning a girls night out e-mail:

Dear Carol and Suzanne:

Well, it’s taken three months, but we finally have agreed on a night all three of us can get together. This may be bold, but I say we make it a South-of-the-border theme. Now, I’ve called ahead and reserved our “special” booth at The Burrito Loco and I’ve requested our favorite waiter, Raul.

So, everybody dress in your finest Mexican attire, if you don’t have something to wear, you have six days to shop. I strongly recommend the El Bonita Boutique-ah on El Camino Blvd. Tell them Catherine sent you, we have a group discount.

Now, I will be providing the sombreros, so don’t worry about that. Suzanne is bringing the raffle prizes and Carol is bringing the door prizes. The charity auction will start after dinner. Oh, and we are going to have a contest for the best South-of-the-Border story. Raul will be the Judge.

Any questions you can page me, or I’ve included my six e-mail addresses. Let’s get psyched for a permite tener una noche muy divertida (For those who haven’t been studying their Spanish for this dinner that means Lets all have a very fun night)


Catherine, or should I say La Katrina ;)

Three men planning a boys night out e-mail:

Hey, d*ckheads. Let’s get dinner and some drinks tomorrow night. See you at the Burrito Loco at Seven and, until then, go f&ck yourselves.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

We straight ballin’ and play callin’ now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is so hot in New York Russell Crowe threw a phone at a hotel worker just to feel the breeze.

It’s so hot in New York fans are going to Yankee games just to feel the breeze the Yankees create when they suck.

It is so hot in New York, tourists in Times Square are asking for directions just for the breeze they get when the New Yorkers take a swing at them.

Well, duh
A study in London says a woman’s ability to have an orgasm is at least partly determined by her genes. Well, duh. If a woman’s genes are too tight and she can’t get them off she can’t have an orgasm. Everybody knows that.

Or their camel
Al-Jazeera, the Arab network, refuses to show a commercial for PETA because it shows cruelty to animals. They’re happy to show beheadings and mutilated bodies, but don’t touch their goat.

Something like that
President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held a joint news conference. Hearing them together is like hearing a Shakespeare soliloquy along with a NASCAR interview.

The real dummy
John Kerry’s transcripts were released and his grades were slightly lower then President Bush’s Yale grades. How’d you like to find out you were dumber than Bush? That’s like losing a beauty contest to Camilla Parker Bowles.

John Kerry’s college transcripts were released and he got four D’s his freshman year. That’s more D’s then Dolly Parton’s cup size.

Leg it out
The New York Dailey News reports that a leg with a white sneaker on it, dropped from the sky and landed in a Long Island backyard. The good news? It didn’t land in anyone’s chili.

Can you imagine standing there holding a beer at a backyard barbeque party and a severed leg drops on the lawn? What do you say? “It looks like somebody is hopping mad.”

“Talk about getting a leg up.” “This party is really kicking.” “That guy might try to sue, but legally, that guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”

Tricked out
An 80-year-old woman in New Jersey was arrested for prostitution. She had all the granny hooker gear. Her spinning disco mirror ball above her bed was hooked up to her clapper.

Sex job poll
A poll of 5,000 revealed what people thought were the top ten sexiest jobs. One of the top ten jobs? Teacher. Well, sure, Teachers are having the most sex but it’s all with their students.

Why I don’t work on Madison Avenue
The big trend in pharmaceutical ads is cartoon characters as in the Lamisil toe fungus characters. I can’t wait until this catches on with erectile dysfunction drugs: Introducing Viagra Vinny: Viagra Vinny is a good man and you just can’t keep a good man down.

Problem solved
Paris Hilton is marrying shipping heir, Paris Letsis. This is a brilliant solution to solve each one’s chronic problems of yelling out their own name during sex.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Maybe, as the father of a precocious six-year-old girl, I am reverting back to my prudish Midwestern ways, but . . .

Is it wrong for me to worry? After a good play in soccer, my daughter Ann Caroline drops down, does a booty dance and yells;

“Shake that money maker, Baby.”

Why do I suddenly envision prolonged increased wine sales in our area for years to come?
This just in:

The high courts ruled that medical marijuana is illegal.

“This ruling is going to drastically cut down on the number of people smoking marijuana;” said the spokesperson for absolutely nobody.
See, now, it gonna do what it wanna do when it wanna do what it gonna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Does that clear it up any?)

So how did you break your nose?
The FDA is investigating if Viagra causes blindness; what’s the most humiliating thing that could possibly happen to a guy? To run into a wall, blind on Viagra, and break his nose.

Makes perfect sense
An Oregon woman was not hired as a teacher because she used to be a prostitute; They should hire her. Here is a woman who can teach sex education, marketing and economics at the same time.

Especially them, but don’t ask why
A survey reveals that 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pet then with their human partner; and that percentage goes way up for women who own Great Danes.

The oldest profession
In New Jersey they arrested an 80-year-old prostitute. An 80-year-old prostitute. She was offering a special: I love you long time or until I die, whichever comes first.

To show you how old she is, she’s still accepted WWI rationing coupons.

I, uh, I did not know that
Did you know that George Steinbrenner had a car in the Indy 500? Like his horse, Bellamy Road, his Indy car didn’t do very well: it slammed into the wall of its garage and didn’t make it out to the track. Turns out maybe Billy Joel wasn’t the best choice as the driver.

As well as the readers of a.L.B.b.
A Vanderbilt medical survey reveals that laughing out loud for 10 to 15 minutes burns 10 to 40 calories. In a related story, fans of the NBC show “Joey” are at risk of obesity.

High court ruling?
The high courts ruled that medical marijuana is illegal; a spokesperson for the legalization of marijuana said of that high court ruling;

“Whoa, that’s like so hypocritical, man. How come the court can get high and we can’t?”

Premature is such a relative term (Mostly from Janice Hough)
Johnson & Johnson is working on a drug that will help men who suffer from premature orgasms. Have you noticed nobody complains when women “suffer” from premature orgasms?

When I asked my buddy, Ronny-B-Free, why nobody complains when women have a premature orgasm, he said; “Women have orgasms?”

You know what a man says when a woman has a premature orgasm?

“Wow, we finished together.”

Right near here in East County, San Deigo
Poway, CA High School gave a hero’s welcome parade to the return of their Scripps National Spelling Bee winner Anurag Kashyap. That parade is quite an improvement for Anurag. Normally at that time of the school day instead of a parade in his honor, he is busy spelling the words: wedgie, nuggie and swirlie.

Oh, the horror
Paul Anka has a new album covering rock songs including Nirvana. Buy this album and re-live the utter and lifelong scarring humiliation that was when your parents sang in the car to a rock song while giving your friends a ride to school.

“Dad, stop singing; “Hungry Like the Wolf.”

Paul Anka has a new album covering rock songs including Van Halen. This album is actual musical proof that there is nothing sadder than an older guy trying to be hip. Word up.

Sometime before then
They are set to start filming the fourth Indiana Jones movie. Apparently they are in a bit of a hurry because they want to finish sometime before Harrison Ford dies of old age.

Since you asked:
Man, the pet peeves are piling up fast up in here.

OK, look, I know that the idiot bureaucrats in charge of places like Starbucks and other fast food type places tell their underpaid employees to push certain items. (These are the same geniuses who named their servers Partners) But when I go to a place where I know they are going to push something I don’t want, like Jamba Juice peddling their modern art-looking bizarre bread items, then I add:

“And nothing else please.”

Frequently, you get a not-listening-computer-inputting Jamba worker who still asks;

“And would like any fresh bakery items today?”

I know what you’re thinking, I then hit him with a snarky, “No, still nothing else” but I don’t.

So, I admit it, if I’ve been good and eating well and working out, from time to time, I will slip and splurge on a sausage, egg and cheese McMuffin for breaffy (breakfast). It is the last food item at Mickey D’s that doesn’t suck. It is cheap, bad for you, frighteningly tasty and I only eat one about once a month. Oh, fine, about once a week. A sausage, egg and cheese McMuffin is the crack of breakfast foods.

Anyway, I’ve ordered enough of them to know that I don’t want the “breakfast meal” which also means a beverage and hash browns. Their orange juice is slightly orange tasting condensed sugar water, their coffee tastes like it was filtered through an ash trey from a dive bar and their “hash browns” is a tumor-sized wedge of congealed animal fat, salt and chemicals disguised as some potato derivation.

But McDonalds cannot take“And nothing else please” for an answer. They always say, “You want the meal?” One time, the trying-to-be-helpful clerk advised me – because, as we all know, the folks working at fast food places are nothing if not savvy economists – that the meal was about the same price as just the sandwich . No, I explained, it was worth it to me to pay more not to have either disgusting beverage nor the congealed grease tumor. Thank you.

Now, I know these people are wildly underpaid, and I cannot stand people who take out their frustrations on food service workers, as I was a waiter for many years. But by the third time I was asked by a faceless voice behind a speaker if I wanted the McDonalds breakfast meal, I was getting a little impatient.

No, (careful not to raise my voice but wanting to express my intent) I . . . still . . . don’t . . . want . . . the . . . meal . . . just . . . the . . . McMuffin.

When I pulled up to the sweet girl filling my order she asked kindly;

“What beverage do you want with your McMuffin meal?”

“Coffee, thanks.” I replied.

At some point you have to pick your battles, Slats and Nugs.

Truth be told, them hash browns was pretty tasty.
Keepin’ it real down wit up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Eww, hate to hear that
There was an embarrassing moment during the jury deliberation at the Michael Jackson trial. When Michael’s lawyer told Jackson he could get 3 to 6. Michael said; “But I prefer them 10 to 13.”

The winner of the Scripps national spelling bee was a San Diego teenager named Anurag Kashyap. It was a close one, he was almost disqualified; when he signed up for the spelling bee, Anurag Kashyap misspelled his own name.

It was kind of embarrassing. When informed about the National Spelling Bee, President Bush said; “What’s the big deal with a spelling bee? Even I can spell B.”

A race horse in New Zealand named Rain, Hail, or Shine, was hit and killed by lightening. Yeah, in addition, things don’t look to good for another horse named: Meteor Shower.

It was that good
At the French Open, Spain’s Rafael Nadal overcame a spirited comeback by Argentinean Mariano Puerto. It was such a well fought match that the French crowd could not figure out who to boo.

The match featured grunting, sweating, sliding, falling and diving; and that was just the French fans fighting over their seats.

Who would have thought?
The San Diego Rock and Roll Marathon was swept by four Kenyans; in equally shocking sports news: at a swimming meet many competitors reportedly got wet.

Hollywood magic
In New York, Russell Crowe was arrested for throwing a phone in the face of a hotel worker. Isn’t that classic? In movies the guy is a champion boxer, a gladiator, and swash-buckling war ship captain, in reality he has a hissy-fit, pulls a Naiomi Campbell and flings a phone at the help.

Who is shocked that movie-gladiator/boxer/ Russell Crowe pulled a Naiomi Campbell and threw a phone at the help? In the movies, Tom Cruise was a fighter pilot and trained Samurai warriors, in real life he jumps up and down on Oprah’s couch bleating; “I’m in love, I’m in love.”

Enough already
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes continue to proclaim their love ad nausea but many are unconvinced; last night, for example, when Holmes mistakenly spoke interrupting the Tony Awards broadcast, Cruise got furious and flung a tofu-quiche appetizer at her.