Saturday, June 04, 2005

Saturday morning caffiene fueled rant:
How much is the NBA hurting? They are actually considering whoring out their jerseys for ad space. Why is the NBA hurting? Sports marketing specialists are working around the clock to figure that out. I can tell you why the NBA is hurting in six words: People don’t like to watch a&&holes.

Speaking of Kobe Bryant . . . unlike with Jim Braddock in “Cinderella Man,” do you think in seventy years anyone will want to see a movie about the life of Kobe Bryant?

“Kobe went through some tough times after his rape trial. Due to his being dropped by nearly all of his sponsors, at times Kobe’s entourage was whittled down to ten or even eight money- grubbing, sleazy sycophants in diamonds and mink coats. And that is including his wife.”

Friday, June 03, 2005

This really just in:
In an interview, Jerry Springer was highly critical of the quality of British TV. That has to hurt. That’s like President Bush correcting your diction.
This also just in:
A race horse in New Zealand named Rain, Hail, or Shine, was hit and killed by lightening. Yeah, in addition, things don’t look too good for another horse named: Meteor Shower.

Top Things Britney Spears Husband, Kevin Federline, has never said:

“Sure, Shakespeare was prolific and talented, but, as far as his sonnets, I frequently find his over- use of indeterminate pronouns cumbersome.”

"What does bling mean?"

"Britney, let's give our high definition TV and the Xbox to a charity, we never use them."

"Are my pants hanging too low?"

“In terms of interior decorating, I’ve always felt less is more.”

“How can I accomplish more for humanity?”

“That is way too much to spend on a stupid car.”

“I am never eating another pork rind again.”

“Hey, Britney, where did you put my bus pass?”

“Don’t be silly, honey, I’ll get the check.”

“Hey, dummy, your tattoo is misspelled.”

“I don’t drink and I don’t appreciate people that do.”

“The Jerry Springer Show”? Never heard of it."

“I’m fine, what concerns me are your sexual needs.”

And the number one thing that Britney Spears husband, Kevin Federline, has never said:

“Well, I’m off to work, dear.”

This just in:

A survey reveals that men use their cell phones more than women; that’s true, but men use their cell phones differently. Guys want to pretend they are a colonel in battle and make short quick calls: “Send cover. Over” Women have a bad habit of actually having these things that take forever. What are they called? Oh yeah: Conversations. Guys just hate that.

What we do here is what we like to call getting all up on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rough one
I’ll be honest, I had a rough day yesterday; somebody leaked my “what not to do” in-house comedy video to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Compensating maybe?
Truck commercial slogans that run during sports all sound like guys bragging about their sexual prowess to women. “It’s not more than you need, just more than you’re used to.” And “Loaded with everything you want and more.” And of course, “Like a rock.”

Place your bets
Closing arguments on the Michael Jackson trial today. Odds are at this time next week Michael will be having dinner with Robert Blake, playing golf with O.J. and ordering room service with Kobe Bryant.

Uh, thanks for sharing?
Britney Spears said that sex during her pregnancy is “crazy good.” This statement was rather alarming to Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, as he has not actually had sex with Britney since she became pregnant.

When asked to analyze Britney’s statement, a psychiatrist proclaimed Britney “crazy not so good.”

Well, at least he isn't bitter
Britney Spears proclaimed that sex during her pregnancy is “crazy good.” When asked to comment, Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, said;

“I guess you could call it crazy good, if by crazy good you mean repeatedly getting crushed by a heavy nutty broad who is eating and spilling Cheetos and pickles on you during sex, then yeah, it’s crazy good.”

Since you asked:

A retrospective of the explosion of the punk/surfer/skateboard culture in current society:

It’s wild how things happen. The skateboard movie “Lords of Dogtown” is about the Zephyr skateboard and surf team from Santa Monica, California in the Seventies. This was the birthplace of the rebel, in-your-face school of surfing and skateboarding that is so prevalent now. Prior to that, surfing was all about the mellow Beach Boys/Gidget/Beach Blanket Bingo scene.

Why were these Z-boys, as they are called, rebel surfers? Because they were poor and from a bad neighborhood that happened to be on a great Southern California surf break. That part of Santa Monica, believe it or not, was nasty and trashed. That is Dogtown. It was hard core blue collar and poor folks and drug addicts and alcoholics. Their kids, these Z-boys, actually surfed through the wreckage of a broken down amusement park pier. (It was as if it was a movie set created by Tim Burton for a Mad Max surfer sequel with a sound track by the Nine Inch Nails) The Z-boys hated the “rich kid” Malibu and La Jolla Beach Boy-type surfers of everywhere else.

This is where the current huge skateboard/surf culture was born and it would probably have died a natural death if it wasn’t for one character in a movie: Sean Penn’s Jeff Spicoli in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” His dead-on portrayal of the punk/stoned surfer – spawned from the minions of the Z-boys - intrigued an entire generation and thus created the character that launched a zillion people who over-use the word Dude.

No lie, I was in the perfect position to witness this entire phenomenon evolve. I was in Long Beach in ’77 to see the Z-boy culture slowly take over, but strictly limited to, the local surfing culture, and then, after “Fast Times,” when I went back home to Chicago, I saw Illinois kids, who never stepped on a surfboard in their lives, wearing Vans sneakers and saying;

“Whoa, Dude. All I need is a cool buzz, a tasty wave and I'm fine.”

Now because of the cross-over with snowboarding and the explosion of skateboarding and it’s resultant boarderline-gang what-are-you-looking-at?-fashion, the look, bad attitude and culture of punk/gang skateboarders is, like it or not, here to stay. And why wouldn't it be? It is the perfect storm for teenage angst: fun, surf, danger, sports, partying, rebellion, funky-fashion and getting girls all rolled into one scene.

And it started with about ten derelict stoners ditching school and sparking up in a ghetto'd-up surfboard shop in Santa Monica in the early Seventies.


Thursday, June 02, 2005

Say what? You want me to bring it? You got it and it's coming about Now O'Clock, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No excuse whatsoever
Did you hear about that insulting, repulsive and disgusting video by the San Francisco Forty Niners? But enough about their 2004 season game films, their P.R. guy made an ill-conceived, tacky video.

My boys are getting older
The Eagles “Farewell 1” tour was on NBC last night. I love the Eagles but they are getting up there in age; “Take it Easy” isn’t just their hit song, it’s their geriatric doctor’s orders.

There are now three generations of Eagles fans. There are new, young fans, middle-aged fans and slightly older fans that can remember when, to hear an Eagles album, you had to use one of those Flintstone Bird-beak record players on a record made of rock.

When told that the Eagles used to put out albums on records, one college student asked;

“Really? What kind of record? A national record or a world record?”

The Eagles “Farewell 1” tour was on NBC last night. I love the Eagles but they are getting up there in age; now before the Eagles can play “Best of My Love” they have to take Viagra.

The Eagles are getting older so they had to update some of their hits. For example, “Tequila Sunrise” is now called “Metamucil Sunrise.”

Their song “Already Gone” is about their backs.

Oui? Non. Non? Oui.
If French President Jacques Chirac wanted the European constitution to pass in France he should have told the French that the U.S. didn’t want it. How much do the French hate Americans? The French would vote to take a bath if Americans told them not to, that’s how much they hate us.

Since you askededededededed:
For the public record, as a comedian writer, I was appalled by the insensitivity and crassness of the San Francisco Forty Niner media video.

Oh, that reminds me. Did you hear the one about the white Forty Niner P.R. guy who thought he was a comedian? Turns out he can’t dance to save his life either.

Hey, Pal, Kirk Reynolds, let’s make a deal, we here at A.l.B.b. won’t try and promote the San Francisco Forty Niners and you shouldn’t try to make comedy pieces. Capice?

We can only hope and pray at this point that there isn’t rioting and death in the streets over the Forty Niner video as there was with the “Newsweek” Koran-desecrations flap.

Since you asked;

As my beloved Cubbies are in town, I am reminded of a scene that happened last year and I want your opinion on it.

First of all, most Padres fans are great. But there I am walking into a popular eatery near Petco Park when a beered-up Padre fan spots my Cubs hat and yells;

“Hey, you like the Cubs so much why don’t you move to Chicago?”

To which I replied;

“Because this is a free country, otherwise you would be forced to go move to the town of Drunk Morons.”

My question is, too harsh?

Since you asked again:

So I’m not politically correct. If that makes me a bad person then, great, I’m a bad person. One less thing to worry about. My belief is that honesty and words are valuable and anything that restricts either, I’m against. That and political correctness has ruined some potentially great jokes.

So it is knowing that I am not politically correct when I say I think this entire trophy for participating crap is, although well intended, sending our entire overly-entitled society into a tail-spin from which it cannot recover.

My six-year-old daughter was in the Gold Medal reading program. She was proud, as was I, when she qualified for her gold medal. Then I am informed that I am to attend the Gold Medal ceremony at her school. This does not please me. Though I am exceedingly proud of my daughter and want to show my support, events at her school tend to be long, boring and hot and stuffy. Four things I don’t do well.

What the heck, I figure. Since probably not many kids got their Gold Medal it shouldn’t be too bad.

Do you want to guess how many of her school’s 512 kids got a gold medal? 500. And I know there are more than 12 kids that don’t speak English. Why not save time and trouble and just have a ceremony chastising the 12 kids who didn’t get a medal?

One kid in particular got a Gold Medal. This kid, well, I would not bet a dime that he could even hold a book correctly let alone read one.

One day this kid was at the local kiddy pool. He was standing in water only a few inches deep, just enough to get his feet wet. He gets it in his mind he wants to dive in it. Before anyone can get up to stop him, he leaps up in the air to do a cannon ball. As he basically just landed butt first on hard cement, it caused him great pain and he naturally started to cry.

He was fine and his Dad comforted him. Just when I was thinking this may have been the stupidest act I’ve ever seen any kid try – and this is coming from a guy who, when a kid, let a car tire roll over his foot. Luckily Mom wasn’t into car maintenance and the tire was soft – when, low and behold, no sooner then we were all back in our seats, the kid DID IT AGAIN.

And he won a Gold Medal in reading.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Oh, I know they didn’t just get all up on it in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Looking on the bright side. Get it? The Bright Side? Oh, I kill me . . .
In health news, the FDA is investigating claims that Viagra can cause blindness; the good news? When you’re blind on Viagra, you won’t run into the wall.

The FDA is investigating claims that Viagra can cause blindness. When told Viagra can cause blindness, Star Jones new husband proclaimed; “Oh, sweet relief, I hope so.”

Hey Ranchers did you hear that Viagra can cause blindness? Ranchers, I’m over here.

Did you hear? Stevie Wonder took Viagra. Now he can see.

Uh, Sir, that’s not what the, oh forget it . . .
It was awkward when President Bush was asked if he had seen “Revenge of the Sith” Bush said, no, he still hasn’t seen the one before it: “Revenge of the Fith.”

Indianapolis News flash
This just in: due to the angry objections of a tiny minority of a Native American tribe, next year’s Indianapolis 500 will now be called the Native American-polis 500.

Hate that when that happens
Did you have a good Memorial weekend? I had a rough Memorial Day; I burned all the hamburgers and hot dogs at our barbeque because I couldn’t see them: I’d gone temporarily blind from Viagra.

Uh, Sir, that’s not what the, oh forget it . . .
President Bush gave the commencement address at the Naval Academy. It was a little awkward when Bush said; “The time has come for you to stop studying your Navels and get out in the real world.

Well, now, that makes sense
Oliver Stone was arrested for his second D.U.I. and drug possession. At least this explains “Alexander” the guy obviously filmed it stoned off his ass.

Rookie mistake
Danica Patrick who led three times for 19 laps finished a close fourth in the Indianapolis 500. It was so close in the end Danica, regretted having stopped earlier in the race for a Non-fat Caramel Latte at Starbucks, or she could have won.

Another news flash from Indianapolis
This also just in, due to the angry objections of a tiny minority called “Citizens for Indiana Traditions,” the now-titled Native American-polis 500 will, once again, be called the Indianapolis 500.

We can dream, can’t we?
You know, San Diego has proven they can host the Super Bowl, the World Series. So who knows, maybe someday we can host the Indianapolis 500?

While they were at it
The French voted down the European Union constitution. In addition, the French also voted down the general theories and practices of both hygiene and politeness.

In addition, the citizens of Paris voted down the union of Paris Hilton and Paris Lastis.

Here we go again
This now just in: An angry minority of the severely mathematically challenged have demanded that the 500 be removed from the name Indianapolis 500 so now it is known as the Indianapolis Long Race.

That explains it
Hotel heiress and "The Simple Life" reality TV star Paris Hilton is engaged to her boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis. Apparently what attracted the two is that both Paris’ loved they way the other Paris called out the name Paris during sex.

Can’t wait for the wedding and the cocked-puppy confused look by Paris Hilton when the minister asks; “Do you, Paris, take thee, Paris to love Paris for as long as Paris lives, Paris?”

This won’t be a wedding, it will be a “Who’s On First?” routine.

“Do you, Paris, take Paris . . .” “Who, me, Paris?” “No, not you, Paris, the other Paris.” “Me, Paris?” “No, not you, Paris, Paris.”

OK, this is getting old
This now just in: An angry minority of grade school math teachers demand that the 500 be returned to the Indianapolis Long Race, so now it is called, once again, the Indianapolis 500.

ESPN has been advertising their broadcast of the Scripps spelling bee championship by showing the contestants: “Wedgie. W-E-D-G-I-E. Wedgie.”

Cost cutting
Northwest Airlines has stopped giving out free pretzels in order to save money; They’ll still give you the salt from the pretzels, they’re not that cheap, just not the pretzels.

Not flying solo it appears
A new book claims that American aviator Charles Lindbergh had three German mistresses simultaneously and seven secret children. Clearly, flying is about the only thing Lindbergh did single-handed.

Oh, just get it over with for the love of decency
This just in: an angry group of Indianapolis area sign makers are upset over having to change the signs from Indianapolis 500 to Native American-apolis 500 back to Indianapolis 500 to Indianapolis Long Race and finally back to Indianapolis 500, again, so they have decided to name next year’s race: JIMMY.

Not contrite
A Senate committee is considering a bill that would offer a formal apology from the government to American Indians. I’m not sure the apology is sincere: “Dear American Indians. The U.S. Government is really, really sorry. Now can we tax your gaming profits?”

And maybe Gilbert Godfrey
Paris Hilton says that that she would rather date someone who can make her laugh than someone who is good looking. With the possible exception of Carrot Top.

Now you are just trying to piss us off
This just in: A group titled “The Name is James” have objected to the Indianapolis sign makers changing the name of next year’s race to JIMMY, so, oh forget it . . .

Since you asked:

Yes, it’s been awhile but I have a new pet peeve: People who let you stand in back of them because you think they are in line, but they are not, as it turns out, in line.

Hey, human cholesterol. You think I just want to stand in back of you for fun? Why do you think I am in back of you? Because you look like you’re standing in line. No? You're not in line? Then tell me you’re not in line or GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY.