Saturday, April 30, 2005

Well, we ain't no holler-back girl up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Saturday morning caffeine fueled rant:

I gotta new pet peeve. Actually, I have two. Sort of. As of yesterday an old pet peeve moved up to the top of the list: Driver’s who won’t yield to pedestrians WHEN IT’S FRICKIN’ RAINING.

How fat, stupid, lazy, rude and inconsiderate do you have to be to sit your fat ass high and dry in a warm car and not want to go to the trouble of waiting two seconds to let someone who is standing in the cold rain walk by? It must have happened to me four times a couple of days ago.

One time I even pointed up at the rain and yelled;

“Thanks lady, I’ll just stand her getting soaked, you go ahead by all means.”

And then I might have tossed in the B-word, I'm not positive.

My newest pet peeve? Big shot movie stars that go on talk shows and say they don’t want to talk about the one thing everyone wants them to talk about.

Paris Hilton was on “Letterman” plugging - and when isn't Paris plugging something? - her millionth god-knows-what. Dave asks about her fight with Nicole Richey and she says “I don’t want to talk about that.” Dave looks down and sarcastically drips;

“Well, you’ve come to the right place.”

Seriously, how much of a moron with an ass-smooching publicists nose up your tookus do you have to be to not know that when you go on a “talk show” people will want you to talk about what they want to hear, not what crap you’re huckstering? You don’t want to talk? Fine. Don’t go on the stupid show, Slappy.

Don’t you love the way that movie stars hate the press until it’s time to peddle their movie? But heaven forbid the press reports on the fact that they’re slammin’ their best friend’s wife like a galley door in a storm. Oh, no, that’s invasive.

When it comes to rumors, a denial from a Hollywood star is basically the exact same thing as a confirmation. Brad and Jen? Oh, they’re fine. Charlie Sheen drugging and whoring again? Nahhh.

One afternoon I drove up L.A. to see a taping of “The Tonight Show” and then had dinner and drinks at the House of Blues. That very morning I just happened to catch a story in the news about Greg Allman and how he is totally straight now and how happy he is about it, blah blah blah blah.

Who is leaning on the bar so F’d up he can’t stand up? You guessed it: Greg Allman.

Second cup:
Beeeeautiful day here in Dan Siego, Slats and Ranchies. Going to go work out like the chiseled Nordic marauding beast that I am today. Then it is off to a 40th birthday bash for the drummer of one of the bands I play with, The Mitigators. He is having five of the bands he plays with jam and I am going to play with at least a couple. Should be fun. Bright sunshine, wine, BBQ, Frisbees, chillin's laughing, dogs romping, harp jammin’ while hot-looking babes listen adoringly.

In short, another typical day here in paradise.

(Sniff, inhale, teeth-suck, stretch, groan and dissolve into chortle of smugness)

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, buhhbeeea. Four words: It’s good to be (adding a fifth) King.

This just in:
Did you see that, after President Bush held hands with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, the price of oil dropped to below $50 a barrel? How many of you are thinking what I am? That’s right, George W., it’s time to take one for the team.

OK, now that's just sick.

Friday, April 29, 2005

We gonna hang a weekend on your narrow behinds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s what I had a problem with
Everyone is talking about President Bush and Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah holding hands at the press conference. I didn’t mind that, I thought it was nice. It was after lunch when they cuddled during a nap that sort of bothered me.

If you wanna do it right reports that Katie Holmes, who has been dating Tom Cruise, has said that she's actually saving herself and there'll be no sex for her before marriage. If Katie really wants to save herself then you know who she should be dating? Michael Jackson.

That would make Katie a virgin. You know what you call a virgin Hollywood movie star? Nobody knows, there hasn’t been one before.

Yeah, those guys
Victoria Secret is coming out with a line of edible underwear. This is for those on-the-go guys who don’t have time for lunch and foreplay.

Sure, Victoria Secret has line of edible underwear but here is the question: Is it Atkins friendly?

How did she miss the obvious one?
Paris Hilton is in a Carl’s Jr. hamburger commercial. Paris is everywhere, she’s selling her line of clothes, cosmetics, perfume, cell phones, promoting her movie and her TV show. In fact you know what the only thing Paris Hilton isn’t promoting? The Paris Hilton.

“Him talks with forked tongue.” “Oh, goody.”
The tribal council of the Navaho Nations has approved a bill to ban same sex marriage for Native Americans. You know who this is bad news for? Geroni ‘Mo.

Pope update
So far it’s been reported that Pope Benedict XVI enjoys being Pope. You know one of the first things the Pope did? He pimped the Pope Mobile with spinning rims.

So far it’s been reported that Pope Benedict XVI enjoys being Pope. You know what’s one of his favorite perks? It turns out the Pope Mobile has a DVD player.

You know what Pope Benedict really likes? Those new Atkins friendly low carb communion wafers.

Since you asked:
It been a difficult time, I’ll be candid. I was not selected as Pope, the NFL draft did not call and now, once again, I was tragically slighted by People magazine’s 50 most beautiful people. I think I need to be alone for a while . . .

Thursday, April 28, 2005

We all straight skippy like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Poor, poor, Chuck
Victoria Secret is coming out with a line of edible underwear. Man, that poor Prince Charles luck just keeps getting worse each day.

Oh, now we see
Paris Hilton is in a Carl’s Jr. hamburger commercial. When asked if she really ate hamburgers, Paris said; “Sure, I’m not Jewish, I can eat ham.”

Bad news, Geronihomo
The tribal council of the Navaho Nations has approved a bill to ban same sex marriage for native Americans. This is bad news for anyone planning to come out of the teepee.

Why so shocked?
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson trial were shocked when Michael’s ex testified in behalf of Jackson, the opposite of what they expected. They shouldn’t be surprised, Debbie Rowe always does the opposite: women are supposed to marry and have kids with heterosexual men.

That would explain it
Michael Jackson’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, said that Michael was surrounded by “vultures.” That explains what happened to his nose: the Vultures ate it.

In Maryland, a herd of buffaloes wandered into middle of a town. It was wild. The residents thought they were hosting Camilla Parker Bowles’s family reunion.

Now that is big
Yesterday was the maiden voyage of the Airbus A380 that seats 550. Everything on it is huge. The beverage cart is so big it can break ten kneecaps at one time.

Is Airbus really the best name? Do you really want to be reminded of a bus? Who wants to fly with 549 drunk retirees snoring on your shoulder on their way to play the slots in Vegas?

The Airbus A380 seats 550. This will set the new world record for passengers that can’t get a drink from the flight attendants.

75 years of cream-filled goodness
Twinkies are 75 years old. To show how old that is, in just twenty-five more years, the very first Twinkie will actually surpass its expiration date.

Thrill Bill 2
“Current Magazine” claims many college students don’t think oral sex counts as sex. In a related story, Bill Clinton has just re-enrolled in college.

It’s about time, Skippy
ABC has announced a new reality show that is described as an “American Idol” for dancers. Finally, a show too gay for even Ryan Seacrest.

Do the math
The P.R. person for Star Jones has quit because she said Star Jones is too difficult. Rumor has it the only time Star Jones isn’t screaming is when she’s eating. So that means she screams for up to twenty minutes each day.

Prom time
It’s prom season. Boys are smarter now than when I went to my prom. Now in order to make sure they have a better chance of getting lucky at the prom, guys are taking their teachers.

Do the math, 2
It happened again. In San Jose, a 47-year-old female teacher’s aid was accused of having sex with a 17-year-old male student. She claims she was helping him with his math; she wanted to show him how many times 17 went into 47.

Put that thing out and go back in to the prom
It’s prom season. I remember my prom, what a magical night: I spent every nickel I had on dinner and then I spent every second of the night on my knees fruitlessly begging and pleading.

It’s prom season. I remember my prom: it was the most trouble and expense to which anyone had ever gone to end up not having sex prior to David Gates and Liza Minelli’s wedding.

Dance fever, catch it
You know the big difference with proms now compared to my Seventies prom? Guys now can dance. Yeah. Now boys know how to spin, flip-around and move well. When we danced we looked like our plastic rented prom shoes were on fire and we were trying to stomp them out.

Hamburger or fall of Rome?
A restaurant in Decatur, GA has a double bacon cheeseburger served between two Krispy Kream donuts. It’s called a Big McHeart Attack.

What? No 75th anniversary Twinkies on that burger?

Pope “Eggs” Benedict
The new Pope, Pope Benedict XVI revealed that he prayed not to win the election as Pope. That’s a great way to gain confidence with your followers: inform the world that your latest and most urgent prayer was ignored.

Pope Benedict was serious, he wanted to lose the election so much he almost asked Al Gore to endorse him.

Since you asked:
Back in the old days, when we weren’t busy taming the west, you used to get crossed lines on phone calls. It was like a mistaken, random conference call with a stranger.

Now he is a highly respected member of his community, so I won’t say his name, but, in high shcool, I was talking on the phone to my good friend - whose name rhymes with Slim Goods - and we got a woman on a crossed wire.

She picked up the phone, heard us talking and obviously mistook my buddy Slim for her son;

“David, I need to use the phone, say goodbye to your friend.” Click.

What the hell? Who was that? We laughed when we figured out it was a crossed wire. A little later she picked up again, this time, however, much testier;

“David, what did I tell you? Say goodbye to your friend this instant, do you hear me?”

“In a minute” Slim boldly said. She bought it.

“Thank you, David.” Came her terse and sarcastic reply. Now we were laughing hysterically. She really thought my buddy Slim was her son, some poor slob named David.

Sure enough, about a minute later, furious, she again picked up.

“David, I am going to come up there and make you hang up the phone and you WILL regret it. DO . . . YOU . . . UNDERSTAND . . . ME?”

There was a moment of pregnant silence, and suddenly, my buddy Slim let loose with;

“Ahh go screw yourself, b*tch, I am tired of your cr*p.”

To this day, poor David is probably still explaining to his therapist that he doesn’t understand why his Mom beat the ever living loving snot out of him for no reason at all.

Very underrated 70’s band?

Bad Finger.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

We all fierce like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paging Doctor Tums
A restaurant in Decatur, GA has a double bacon cheeseburger served between two Krispy Kream donuts. What, no pork rinds? No Snickers bars? No gravy? What are they, health nuts?

I wonder if you can ask to get it deep fried?

And, for an extra buck, they’ll blow cigarette smoke on you while you eat it.

Testify about what, exactly?
The prosecution in the Michael Jackson trial may have Michael’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testify about Michael’s sexuality. Well, that testimony sure won’t take long.

If Debbie Rowe is talking about Michael Jackson’s sexuality, as a woman, this will make her whatever is the direct opposite of an expert witness.

Who knew?
“Current Magazine” claims many college students don’t think oral sex counts as real sex; Apparently you can now major in being Bill Clinton.

That’s pretty bad
Another lawyer, Brian Oxman, was fired from the Michael Jackson defense team. This is the fourth lawyer Jackson has gone through. That’s when you know you’re too creepy when lawyers can’t stand to be around you.

Not including tip
Kobe Bryant paid $50,000 for a surprise marriage renewal ceremony for his wife Vanessa. Actually, he only spent $25,000 on the ceremony, Kobe had to spend $25,000 to bribe the concierge to convince her to bring them their room service order.

Master this
Mastercard has a Clay Aiken Mastercard. I think their slogan is; “Don’t leave the closet without it.”

Their slogan is; “It’s everywhere you want to be gay.”

Weak. Weak joke
Legal experts say the case against the woman who faked the Wendy’s finger chili is weak. It’s like the case where the guy claimed to find a foot in a vat of stew; the prosecution didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Or so it would seem
What is with all the train accidents in Asia? Apparently Amtrak is now outsourcing.

Now even baseball is piling on
You know how baseball announcers have signature home run calls, like “See yah” or “Say goodbye.” I thought this one home run call referencing the new Mrs. Prince Charles was unnecessary; “That ball is well hit, it’s back . . . Camilla parked her balls!”

Old job
It is not looking good for nominated U.N. Ambassador John Bolton’s confirmation. He may have to go back to his old job: Hosting “Captain Kangaroo.”

Since you asked:
In addition to an at-bat song, everyone needs their own home run call. Here is a tip: make sure it is better than San Diego Padres announce Mark Grant’s “Boom goes the dynamite.” I think mine is going to be; “Do you want to buy a monkey? Adios those dishes!”

That’s right, I just hung an amazingly rare “Cabin Boy” “Knotting Hill” combo platter references on your narrow beeeeehinds.

Or how about: “Mr. Rawlings gets a righteous beat-down”?

Or how about; “That Pope just got white smoke’d”?

No, I’m staying with “Camilla parked her balls.”

And another thing:
We just got our carpets cleaned and, while they look snowy white and all purty, the cleaning solution fumes are pretty strong. Luckily, I have one of those iron-clad constitutions that doesn’t get effected by chemical vapors . . .um, wow, look, finger trails, cool. Heh, ever notice how . . . the word fumes is funny? Fuuuuuumes. Heh. Monkey is also . . . a . . . funny . . . word . . . Monkey, heh. Wheeeeew . . . fjkl;sda;’kljfsirt (My forehead hitting the keyboard)

And that’s how we play “Lex is loopy from the smell of the cleaned rugs.”

(Polite applause)

And “Scene.”

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tell me we did not just go there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Born to Shuffle
Bruce Springsteen has a new album out. You can tell Bruce is getting older. His concerts end early so he can make it to the Dennys early bird special.

Bruce is getting older. His tour bus turn signal is always blinking on.

Bruce is getting up there. Did you know his song “Born in The USA” was originally titled: “Born In the Continental Congress”?

Good luck, Lady
The prosecution in the Michael Jackson trial may have Michael’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testify about Michael’s sexuality. They cannot, however, question their two children: Turkey and Baster.

His ex-wife is going to testify about Michael Jackson’s sexuality? Why not have her testify about life on Pluto because she’s never seen that either.

Why? Why so mean? I love the Stones
The Rolling Stones are on tour. You can tell the Stones are getting old. Now when their concert goers flick a lighter it’s to get rid of that old man smell.

Speaking of Queens
Elton John is going to marry his long time life partner. He figures if Prince Charles can marry a guy, he can too.

Not clear on the concept
President Bush had an embarrassing moment at a breakfast restaurant. He looked at the menu and said; “Wow, he’s only been Pope Benedict for a week and already they named eggs after him.”

That explains it
According to the NAACP, the death penalty is at an all time low; experts feel there are two factors for this: A, exonerations of those sentenced due to DNA evidence and, B, the fact that George W. Bush is no longer a governor.

The rats are abandoning
Another lawyer, Brian Oxman, left the Michael Jackson defense team; lawyers are leaving Jackson? Michael must be broke. If paid enough, lawyers would have stayed on the Titanic and claimed it was just getting humid.

Pink is the new pink
Retailers say many more men are wearing pink this year. It’s true, I can name three famous Englishmen who are wearing pink: Elton John, Boy George and Camilla Parker Bowles.

That’s a surprise
Kobe Bryant paid $50,000 to renew his marriage vows with his wife Vanessa. Afterwards Kobe said their marriage was great, they’ve never been happier and but then he traded Vanessa to the Miami Heat.

The Los Angeles Lakers are trying to get Phil Jackson back as a coach. It won’t be easy, Kobe Bryant tears through coaches like Michael Jackson tears through a pair of Garanimals.

Good job, George
President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. You can tell Bush is working hard to get oil prices down, during dinner Bush didn’t make one turban/tablecloth joke.

Don’t bend over without it
Mastercard has a Clay Aiken Mastercard. Unfortunately the Clay Aiken card is only accepted at Ikea, Pier One, the Pottery Barn and every single gay bar in the world.

Murphy’s Law
The San Diego Mayor, Dick Murphy, resigned from office because he wasn’t doing a good job. Upon hearing this, our entire Congress asked; “You can do that?”

If everybody quit just because they weren’t good at their job there wouldn’t be any more New York Mets games.

Murphy can’t resign because he’s bad at his job, that’s un-American; every McDonalds in the world would be empty.

What did they expect? The guy’s named after Murphy’s law.

P.C. at P.E.
A lot of schools have banned dodge ball from P.E. Forget that, you know what kids game they need to ban? Musical chairs. Every kid but one is a loser. Why not just play “Mommy and Daddy Lost You In a Crowd And You’ll Never, Ever, See Them Again” and put them in therapy for life?

Give us this day or Daly’s bread
John Daly finished second at the Houston Open after losing a playoff to Vijay Singh. This was good finish for Daly and a bad day for believers in the “Golfers Are Athletes” argument.

Daly is fifty pounds overweight, chain smokes, swigs sugary soda pop during his rounds. Daly has to be the only guy whose four rounds of golf total score is lower than his cholesterol.