Saturday, February 12, 2005

You know what we haven’t done in a while? Answer reader mail.

Dear Lex;

Why not more Michael Jackson jokes?


Dear Tito:

Good question. Leno must have a new rule of ten Michael Jackson jokes a day. Personally, I cannot warm to the topic. Sure, I had that hilarious;

“Give the judge credit, it has not been easy finding a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers. You try and round up a dozen, rich, crazy white women.”

But for the most part, I don’t like this topic. If Jackson is guilty it is disgusting, if he’s not, it’s pathetic. Now give me a guy cutting off his testicles for a rugby bet and I can run all day with that.

Dear Lex;

What is with the fascination of the Royal Family in the U.S.?

George Michael

Dear George;

First, you don't mind if I don't shake your hand. Second, let me say I am glad you and Elton patched up your spat. No reason why gay British singers with first names for last names shouldn’t get along. Same goes for Boy George.

Third, I have no idea why Americans care about the Royal family. For me, the Royal Family is like the old Saturday morning show “The Monkeys.” I thought these guys really did drive around solving crimes like a bunch of rock and roll Batmen. When I found out it was a fake, that they didn’t really all live together and engage in hilarious capers, I felt ripped off.

Same thing goes with the Royal Family. I thought they ran England and fought in battles, and swilled wine in cool metal goblets while eating a leg of lamb with their hand before tossing the bones to their roaming dogs, like the Sunday afternoon movies with Errol Flynn and such. That entire Royal Family doesn’t do anything except breed within.

Dear Lex;

It has been raining like crazy, but still people stand outside of their offices and smoke. Any thoughts?

Keith Richards

Dear Keith;

I’ll get to your question in a second, but first let me say thanks for hanging in there and rocking out to help make my prediction right that, one day, someone will say, “That Keith Richards looks pretty good for his age.”

Do not knock the smokers outside of office buildings. It is the greatest gift ever to the single male players out there. Why? Everyone knows that women that smoke are goers, i.e., they throw down at the toss of a hat. As a result you have these little packs of wonderful, well-dressed little sluts huddled outside of their building smoking and all the guys have to do is go cut the slowest one out of the herd.

And when I say slut, I mean that in a really good way. And certainly not towards my lovely Torn Slattern readers.

Dear Lex;

Forgot Michael Jackson, how about some jokes period? These jokes couldn't suck more of they had rubber lips.

Your inner tirade

Dear Lex's Inner Tirade,

What are you doing in here? (I can write a letter if I want) No you can't, you don't even know how to spell. (Oh, and you do? If I had a nickle for every time you wrote too for two or hear for here, or four for fore or for . . . ) Hey, it's not my fault if spell check sucks and can't figure out something as easy as what I mean instead of what I write . . . (Just start writing something that resembles comedy, spelled write or not . . .) Ah ha! You just did it! (Did what?) You wrote write for right. (I did not) You did two . . .

And that's how we play Lex's inner tirade messes with reader's mail.

(Polite applause)

I am off to go work out like the crazed weldabeest that I am today. Bike, lift, steam. Tonight? Grilled T-Bone with a bourbon sauce. Red wine. Movie. When it comes to a wild night, Colin Ferrell has nothing on my moderate behind.

Friday, February 11, 2005

This just in:
To cut costs American Airlines is getting rid of their pillows. It was either that or fire the male flight attendants. So they decided dump the pillows and keep the pillow biters.
Can you hook up a brozizzy one timeizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
(We took up the nasty a notch or two for Friday)

A teacher in Tennessee is charged with having sex with her 13-year-old male student. That’s not the worst part. The student was home-schooled.

This is apparently part of a new teacher’s policy: “No child’s behind left.”

What is with all of these women teachers having sex with teenage boys? When I was in high school the only time we got screwed was when we paid for cafeteria food.

Boys in high school now have sex with the teachers. And that’s not just at the all-male Boston parochial schools.

Missing the obvious
Can you believe how many witnesses have testified that Robert Blake asked them to kill his wife? He asked practically everyone in Los Angeles except the one guy most qualified: O.J. Simpson.

Big change
New England assistant coach Romeo Crennel has been named head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Going from the Patriots to the Browns is like going from Heidi Klum to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Those are OK
North Korea admitted they have nuclear weapons. When informed Korea has nuclear weapons, President Bush replied; “That’s OK, just as long as they don’t have them nuke-ah-lar weapons.”

And in these two corners . . .
Tonya Harding has packed on at least thirty pounds as a 3-3 professional boxer. Tonya is so big the temporary advertising tattoo she wears in the ring is Goodyear. Badaboom.

Tonya is so big, she doesn’t just live in a double wide, she is a double wide. Bingabang.

Tonya is so fat, Nancy Kerrigan could whack her knee, and Tonya wouldn’t feel it for two days. Boopdeboop.

Tonya Harding is so big her ring nickname is the Blubber clubber. Rapatatatbingboop.

Yah vull
A poll by the Daily Telegraph revealed that Britons think Prince William should become king of the U.K. instead of his father Prince Charles. And they think Prince Harry should become Fuehrer.

No problem
Canada ordered an Attention Deficit Disorder drug pulled off the shelves. Actually, due to their ADD, Canada didn’t have to pull the drug off the shelves, they forgot to put it out in the first place.

It’s official
A research team from Johns Hopkins University has discovered that a broken heart could lead to heart attacks. As a result, the leading cause of heart disease is now officially Angelina Jolie.

Whooooaaa, heeeyyy
A Detroit mother was arrested for bringing her son’s heroin to school for him. Apparently the kid was attending Ray Charles Junior High at the time.

Or something like that . . .
In Virginia, it is now a $50 fine if you show your underwear in public. This is part of their new program “No Child’s Left, or right, behind. ”

Who knew?
In an interview in “20-20” actor Corey Feldman said Michael Jackson exhibited inappropriate behavior when Feldman was a child. That is amazing. They’re still calling Corey Feldman an actor? I’m shocked.

That makes sense
Los Angeles Laker Karl Malone announced he is retiring from basketball. Apparently he wants to devote more time trying to date Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa.

In other words
Due to all the rain, houses in Anaheim are sliding down the hill at a rate of one inch per hour. Or as Donald Trump’s new wife calls one inch an hour: her honeymoon.

It could happen
Due to all the rain, houses in Anaheim are sliding down the hill at a rate of one inch per hour. Do you know what this means? At this rate, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim really could end up in Los Angeles.

Since you asked:
I have a new iPod inspired work out technique. It is easy. You make a rocking playlist. Mine includes Springsteen’s “Backstreets” the Stones “Bitch” “Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’” and “Midnight Rambler” the Black Crowe’s “Hard to Handle” Hendrix’s “Hey Joe.” Doobie’s “China Grove” Don Henley’s “I Will Not Go Quietly” and Creedence’s “Up Around the Bend” among others. When the truly rockin’ parts or choruses come up, you jam like crazy on the Nordic Elliptical machine. Or on a run. Be careful, though. Do not get too carried away. Nothing looks dorkier than someone rocking out when nobody else can hear the music.

That is one draw back about the magnificent iPod. You think air guitar or air drums look stupid? Try to imagine some goofball (me) playing air guitar, piano and drums and you can’t hear the music. I look like I’m waiting for the little yellow school bus to pull up to my house.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

We crazizzy in this here hizzy todizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Betting the boys
A Welsh rugby fan declared that if Wales beat heavily favored England, he would cut off his testicles. Wales won and he did. Nobody would ever bet their testicles on the Los Angeles Dodgers. Their pitchers give up enough balls as it is.

Guys, for the last time, when it comes to sports bets, take it easy, don’t go nuts.

A Welsh rugby fan declared that if Wales beat heavily favored Briton, he would cut off his testicles. Wales won and he did. Talk about not covering the spread.

Give him credit, since he is from Wales, he could have Welshed on the bet.

Bad times for Kerry
Teresa Heinz Kerry announced she is dropping Kerry as her last name. It gets worse for John, she is also dropping Kerry’s allowance by one hundred bucks.

To be blunt, I don’t care what that whacko Teresa Heinz drops as long as it isn’t her meds.

This is Mark “O’Snake” O’Connor’s awesome joke
Prince Charles is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker Bowles. Parker-Bowles will not acquire the title of queen but she will retain her title of Drag Queen.

In addition he was charged with wearing really ugly sweaters
Several women have accused Bill Cosby of drugging them and then sexually assaulting them. The women claim to have been haunted by the fact that Cosby came on to them in the voice of Fat Albert: “Hey-bada Baby, how-be do-be you-be?”

I don’t want to go into all the details of the charges, let’s just say these women allege Cosby likes to spike his Pudding Pops.

Not fair
“Will and Grace” star Debra Messing stars in the movie “The Wedding Date” about a woman who hires a male escort. What a double standard. A beautiful woman hires a male escort and it’s a romantic comedy; Hugh Grant spends $50 to make friends with Devine Brown on Santa Monica Blvd, and he goes to jail.

It’s serious
Former NBA star Hakeem Olajuwon founded a Houston mosque the government now says backed terrorism. It serious, a judge could find him guilty and sentence Olajuwon to a comeback with the New Orleans Hornets.

Did you see that Super Bowl commercial where Piazza Hut announced they have pizza strips with a dipping sauce? Pizza strips with a dipping sauce. That made me so disgusted I almost dripped my cigarette, my vodka shot and my heroin needle.

Good thing
Amber Frey broke up with her boyfriend. But it was very civil and dignified, unlike her relationship with Scott Peterson, nobody lost their head over this one.

Since you asked:
I think it's time we address the folks responsible for all the passwords and user names on web sites: keep it up and you are on track for a righteous beat-down.

As I visit a lot of joke sites and newspaper sites and news sites, I have to remember a grillion differant passwords and user names. You can never use the user name you want and the passwords either have to be longer than eight letters, or four or no caps or no numbers or no whatever. Get it together, you weasels.

For example, since I got my new computer I have to log on to everything all over again. And for some reason the cookie thing, or pop up, or fire wall or fired cookies pop up turn-over protection thing won't let me on them anyway. I was one keystroke from losing this A.L.B.B. site at Blogger forever.

Not to brag, but . . .

Not to brag, but (remember Nugs and Slats, everything before the "but" is B.S.) grilled marinated mozzerella and sage stuffed chicken breasts served with garlic/sage buttered pasta and tomato and avacados in olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing. So good. So good for you.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Oh, now, we just playin,’ I wouldn’t dawg my dawgizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Beer gets a Queer makeover
A Swiss brewer has made a beer for gay people called Queer Beer. Have you heard their slogan? “We’re here, we’re beer, get juiced to it.”

Have you heard the Queer Beer motto? “Those few ugly gay men need sex too.”

We have another name for Queer Beer in the United States. We call it: Zima.

I’m not sure about the sales pitch for the new Queer Beer. “When a wine spritzer just isn’t gay enough”

That explains it
Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb threw up in the huddle at the end of the Super Bowl. Apparently Donovan must have seen one of his interceptions replayed on the jumbo screen.

That should do it
Many American companies are moving into Iraq. Iraq now has a Pizza Hut, a Taco Bell and Popeye’s fried chicken. So apparently we are stepping up our plans to kill the insurgents.

And they now have a Subway sandwich shop in Iraq. They even have a Subway commercial that features their Iraqi spokesperson: Jihad Jared

Bad time
This is that nightmare time of year for many guys: the Super Bowl is over, the Christmas lights are still up, they haven’t gotten the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated and Valentines Day is looming just ahead like an angry, dark, ugly cloud.

Not a good idea
I’ve had heart-broken buddies who get dumped by girls and, out of frustration, say; “I swear I’m going to go gay.” Is that really a good idea? You think you feel bad now? Just wait until you blow big money on dinner for some guy, and then he says he just wants to be friends.

Love that sports and music humor
The Philadelphia Eagles have two things in common with songs of the band called the Eagles. Yeah, in the fourth quarter, the football Eagles “Wasted Time” and were “Already Gone.”

Mardi Gras
Yesterday was Fat Tuesday. That makes today bloated, hung-over, and remorseful Wednesday.

One tradition on Fat Tuesday is you get glass beads for flashing your breasts. Except for CBS, yeah, they flashed their boob on Sunday night. But enough about Geraldo Rivera . . .

Unless you’re Michael Moore, than they give you beads to not flash your breasts.

Good timing
A man in Germany says he’s come up with a cell phone that allows you to talk to the dead. So, I guess we can call the Philadelphia Eagles.

I stole my own old Ahmad Reshad, Michael Jordan joke
The Los Angeles Lakers still don’t have a coach. It won’t be easy finding a coach for the Lakers. You have to have a guy who can deal with the L.A. media, handle being around movie stars, and who will agree to have his lips surgically attached to Kobe Bryant’s rear-end.

It is tough finding a coach for Kobe Bryant.

Pole vaulter
There was an awkward moment when President Bush met President Kwasniewski of Poland. Bush said, “I have deep respect for Polish people except for those folks who mistakenly said I lost the election. You know, those darn exit Poles.”

Don’t you wish you were there just so you could hear Bush try and pronounce Kwasniewski?
It will probably come out Quiznossandwichskier.

Since you asked:
Heh heh heh. Get this. Heh heh. My firewall won't allow the new password for my Outlook Express to go through. Hah hah hah. When I call the Outlook email expert guy at my cable company, he said - and I am not making this up because it has happened to me before - he actually said:

"I will email you your new password."

Got that? Hah hah hah hah. The expert at Road Runner/Time Warner cable, by which I get my email via the Time Warner cable, told me he was going to email my new password to my email address THAT I CAN'T PULL UP IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE IT WON'T TAKE MY PASSWORD!

(Doing my best Tom Hanks when-the-bath-tub-falls-through-the-floor-in "The Money Pit" laugh.

HAH HAH HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (cough, cough, cough) haaaha.

Oh my. Where did all of this fog come from? Grandma? Grandma Rodgers? Is that really you? I can hear your voice but I can't see you through all of this cold fog. What's that you're saying? Come to the warm light? Ewww, that does feel so nice. I don't know, I mean, I should stay here, I have a beautiful wife and daughter many great friends some great clients and two cute Labradors and we live in a great town. On the other hand, I am having serious computer problems, and this fog I've seemed to slip into is cold and that light is sooooo warm, I guess, well, Grandma Rodgers wouldn't steer me wrong, maybe I'll just slip over towards that nice warm light . . .


Whoa. I'm back. A loud error prompt on my computer snapped me out of it. Anything happen when I was having my computer related near-death experience?

A new feature here at A.L.B.B. we like to call "What is the deal?"
Have you noticed how a lot of the really cool technical companies like TiVo has a big V in the middle? And iPod starts with a little i and then a big P just like eBay starts with a little e and then a big B? Even Hewlett Packard’s emblem is hp. Here’s my question: If these companies are so damn smart, how come they don’t know how to use capital letters?

Oh, I see. I get it. It’s that, ewww, look at us, we don’t use linear thinking. Noooo, we think outside the box. Oh yeah, were beyond the paradigm, we are. We’re too k.d. lang-like cool to use conventional letters. Well, let me tell you something you snotty know-it-alls, you have to use the same rules we do or you can bite me or my name isn’t aLeX kAseBerG.

Another new feature here at a.l.b.b. we like to call "Carmel Valley Spreads the Love."

Cut to: three months ago.

I am finishing a run and I see one of these little yippie lap dogs running around in the middle of our street. Well, I pick up the little thing and it is trembling and scared, so I take it home and call the number on the dog’s tags. No answer but I leave a message. This woman soon calls back and rather brusquely asks for our address. Well, I figure she is probably stressed out about her dog. Turns out she is just at the other end of the cul de sac, so, in ten seconds she rings the doorbell. I come to the door with the dog and she says;

“Oh, Puddins, there you are. The stupid maid left the door open and the dog got out.”

Then she takes the dog, gets in the car and drives off. No “Thanks for saving my dog.” Nothing.

Cut to: Last week.

There I am taking Ann Caroline around our street to sell Girl Scout cookies. She has her little Brownie vest on and, as I have mentioned - at six one and a half with shoulders and chest wider than an SUV, albeit with a taut and nubile behind – I can appear rather intimidating, so I stood back a few feet and let my daughter do the talking.

We go to the door of the woman whose dog I saved. We ring. Nothing. Wait the appropriate time and ring again. This time a woman’s voice yells from behind the door:

“Who is it?”

I yell back with a sweet smile in my voice:

“We’re neighbors from just down the street selling Girl Scout cookies.”

She yells back;

“Not interested. ”

She didn’t even bother to open the frickin’ door.

And people wonder why Carmel Valley in San Diego is considered full of rude schmucks?

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

When we do what we do, we do what we do when we do it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hate to hear that
Some sad news. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are rumored to be calling their marriage quits. When asked if she thought they might get an annulment, Jessica said “I don’t think a foreign car is going to help at this point.”

First Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up, now Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. What does it say about Hollywood when the most solid celebrity marriage is Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston?

Last night on “The Tonight Show” did you see Kevin Eubanks get dunked in that huge tank of Chowder? That was nothing. After the show, their guest, Kirstie Alley, ate all of that Chowder.

City of Brotherly Depression
Philadelphia Eagles fans are taking their Super Bowl loss to the New England Patriots hard. To show how depressed they are, today, in downtown Philly, a six-year-old orphan dropped his lollipop and not one single bystander even bothered to boo him.

Too far
This Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction backlash has gone too far. Today at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, instead of flashing their breasts, women will only be awarded beads if they sing “Hey Jude.”

A four-year-old boy tried to drive a car to a video store. Can you imagine how dangerous that is for a four-year-old to drive? Why, he could have accidentally driven into Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.

That is dangerous. Imagine if the child accidentally drove himself over to a Catholic Parish?

We can only hope
Palestine and Israel have agreed to a Middle East ceasefire. Now with temporary peace in the Middle East, who knows? Maybe, after this, we can work on ending that even more complicated and bitter feud: Britney Spears versus Christine Aguilera.

In retrospect
Terrill Owens showed a lot of guts playing great in the Super Bowl on a bad ankle. Remember that Terrill claimed god helped him heal? Apparently while god was healing him, Terrill forgot to ask to let the Eagles win.

Too many models
It’s fashion week in New York City. There are so many super models in New York this week, Hillary Clinton had to put Bill Clinton under house arrest.

Did you see that Super Bowl commercial with Burt Reynolds and the bear? You could tell it was fake. If the bear really had kicked Reynolds in the groin, Burt’s toupee would fly right off.

Since you asked:
Got the FAX back working today but then the email went out again. What the . . .? And the printer still don’t work. But that is alright, you know why? I got an awesome recipe for pork chops. Oh, yeah, apricot and brandy glazed, brine marinated grilled pork chops. So tender they are pork chops you can fork chop. A little rice pilaf, grilled zucchini and Bob’s your friggin’ Uncle.

Got up this morning (Lex, why are you suddenly singing the blues?) at the usual six a.m. and our six-year-old daughter’s light was on, excuse my preposition. Normally Ann Caroline doesn’t get up until 7:30 when it gets light, so I ask;

“Why is your light on?” She looked at me for a second and said matter-of-factly:

“So I can see.”

New Pet Peeve Update:
Growing up one of the few really lazy people in the Midwest, I got tired fast of working for real task-master whacko bosses on their OCD power trips to play general. Especially this one dick-head restaurant owner I worked for briefly.

“Dammit, don’t stand there, if you’re not with a customer, start scrubbing the ceiling.”

That gets real old.

Having said that, it would have been more natural to take flight with my arms then it would have been to continue standing around if a customer was standing there waiting. Plus we would have been reamed-out like sorry goats if we had.

Well, maybe I’m turning into a grumpy guy, but it seems like whatever retail store I walk into, I am greeted – or more accurately, not greeted - by a large group of employees all standing around looking at each other. And not just at Blockbuster. Maybe this is an age thing, but it this generation Y or generation Why? Hello? What am I, wood? Chop, chop. Customer here. And when you’re done with me, start scrubbing that damn ceiling.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Oh, we had our Super Bizzle on Sundizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We kid the Roseanne gold digger
Fox’s Super Bowl broadcast was very conservative. The only boob they revealed was Tom Arnold.

They took the lame road
Fox went very conservative on Super Bowl Sunday. You know a broadcast is conservative when the only skin exposed is on Terry Bradshaw’s head.

Fox went very conservative on Super Bowl Sunday. Fox actually changed the name of “The Best Damn Sports Show Period” to “The Best Darn Sports Show Period.” In addition, they are going to change the name of their show from “Hell’s Kitchen” to “Heck’s Kitchen.”

We kid the Commander in Chief
After 38 years in power, the president of the African nation of Togo, President Gnassingbe Eyadema, died at 69. It was awkward when President Bush was informed. He said “That’s too bad, Togo makes great sandwiches.”

Again, what? What’d I say?
There’s a Swiss beer marketed for gay people called Queer Beer. It’s available in a Pale ale or an Amber, but most of the guys prefer it in the Pale.

And I say it’s about time they had a gay beer. Ugly gay people deserve to have sex too, you know.

Not the best choice of words
At a speech in Queens, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was heckled by gays for saying he would appeal a ruling in favor of gay marriage. Bloomberg didn’t help things much when he yelled back, “Be quiet, Queens.”

A study shows the day after the Super Bowl is one of the least productive business days of the year resulting in an estimated billion in lost revenue. Or something like that, I was too tired and hung-over to read the whole study.

How about those Pats?
New England and Boston are the champions in football and baseball. Or as they call that if it happened in Chicago: a cold day in hell.

101 days after Boston won the World Series, New England won the Super Bowl. Or as they call that in Chicago, the 101 days that will never, ever happen.

Jose Conseco has a new-steroid-tell-all book where he claims he stuck a steroid needle in home run record holder Mark McGwire’s naked behind in a bathroom stall. I’ll take “Horrible images I’ll never get out of my head” for five hundred, Alex.

Pat Riots
Despite winning three out of four Super Bowls, personality dynamo New England Patriot coach Bill Billichick refuses to acknowledge his team’s dynasty. Listen, Bill, when ten of your players need to be treated for Gatorade dumping repetitive motion injuries, you’ve got a dynasty.

They asked New Englander John Kerry what he thought about the New England Patriots Super Bowl win. Kerry said it was a great win and that Dick Cheney’s daughter is still a lesbian.

Since you asked:
Who says the Internet isn’t great? Heard from another great old friend (Welcome Jooch) from my past who found my pathetic Blog via the Google. (I had an odd feeling I was being Googled)

(Incidentally, if you had said he found my Blog via the Google ten years ago, you'd be facing various charges of obscenity)

My pathetic comedy Blog is actually tying great people from my past life together as one and uniting them in the name of suffering through truly mediocre comedy. (Sniff) I’m so proud.

Another thought on the Internet. For the record again, I think it is truly embarrassing and deplorable that possibly the greatest invention for the advancement of communication ever, the Internet, is being used so extensively to proliferate the degenerate use of pornography. And one more thing. Just because two women appear in various degrees of undress together in a photo, if they aren’t actually doing anything, they don’t qualify as lesbians.