Friday, February 04, 2005

This hizzy be slammin’ now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Snoop scoop

A TV make-up artist has sued Snoop Dogg charging him with rape. When asked to comment on the charge, Snoop Dogg said; “That’s a load of crapizzy.”

On the “To do” list
On “Larry King Live” Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld revealed he turned in his letter of resignation twice but President Bush refused to let him quit. Actually, Bush didn’t refuse to let him quit, he never really got around to reading the letter.

It’s a good thing
The New York Post reveals that Martha Stewart has lost 20 pounds since being in prison. Apparently Martha’s been on Jenny Craig. Not the diet plan, an inmate named Jenny Craig.

How cold is it?
It’s been cold back east this winter. It’s so cold people are shaking like the Philadelphia Eagles team doctor.

Fry like an Eagle
Not many people are giving the Philadelphia Eagles a chance against the seven point favorite New England Patriots. The Eagles have never seen a point spread against them that big. In fact, that’s the biggest spread Eagle since Paris Hilton’s video.

An article last week in Sports Illustrated revealed that, in order to try and get possession of a fumble, in a pile up, NFL players will grab another player’s testicles to get him to let go. That brings a whole new and ugly meaning to the term going for the ball.

Martha Stewart is watching the Super Bowl in prison. Oh yeah, Martha’s a big football fan. She bet on the Eagles and took the seven points. Martha said she hasn’t seen a spread that wide since her first night in prison.

Do the math
You can now buy a cell phone that allows you to talk to your dog. The bad news? For every minute you talk to your dog, you get charged for seven minutes in dog years.

It’s about time
A company in Switzerland has produced a beer for gay people called Queer Beer. And I say it’s about time they had a gay beer. Ugly gay people deserve to have sex too, you know.

In reflection
Many people feel the New England Patriots reflect the personality of their coach, Bill Belichick. Here’s my question: In order for a personality to reflect, doesn’t there actually have to be one?

Now, I don’t want to say that New England Patriot coach Bill Belichick is dull, but Belichick makes John Kerry look like Regis Philbin.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

That mofizzle is CRAZEIZZY, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A lot of love
There was lots of hugging at the State of the Union speech last night. Laura Bush hugged the Iraqi voter. The Iraqi voter hugged Laura Bush. The paramedic hugged Dick Cheney. Actually, he was giving Cheney CPR, but it was still touching all the same.

And you would be . . .?
The Vatican reports that the Pope is doing much better. Apparently the Vatican has hired Dick Clark’s public relations team. They should soon be reporting that the Pope is about to go for a six-mile run.

Get it?
The Los Angeles Lakers coach, Rudy Tomjonavich, quit saying he doesn’t feel well. Insiders say Rudy has a Japanese version of Mad Cow disease: He’s got a beef with Kobe.

New meaning to pop quiz
Officials are going to install breathalyzers at schools at the Hamptons because so many students are showing up drunk. Apparently first daughter, Jenna Bush, has started teaching high school already.

So long Sosa
Former Chicago Cubs slugger, Sammy Sosa, said God wanted him to be traded to the Baltimore Orioles so he can hit more home runs. God is directing Sammy Sosa? That explains how David beat Goliath: he was on steroids and his sling was corked.

Granted, he is a great coach, but the New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick isn’t the greatest interview in the world. Let’s just say this guy didn’t exactly put the riot in Patriots.

It turns out Paris Hilton will not be charged for stealing her own sex video from an L.A. newspaper stand. An angry Paris stole her video saying that she didn’t want her fans to see it. Fans? What fans? If Paris wants some fans she should leave the damn video out for sale.

On the waiting list
Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens announced he will play in the Super Bowl because god is healing him. Sorry Pope, you’re on your own in the hospital, the big guy is busy healing Terrell Owens

Not easy
Jury selection if over for the Michael Jackson trial. Give that judge credit, it was not easy finding a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers. You try and find twelve crazy rich white women.

Who knew?
Last night we sent comedian Howie Mandell to cover the “Xena: Warrior Princess” convention. It was amazing. I had no idea there so many lesbian nerds.

Poor Kobe
Los Angeles Lakers coach Rudy Tomjanivich quit. First Phil Jackson quit, now Tomjanivich. Poor Kobe. Nobody wants to be his coach. It’s bad enough that nobody wants to bring him room service, now nobody wants to be his coach.

The reviews have been critical of Microsoft’s new search engine. For example, if you type in the name Michael Jackson, you get the web site for Tyco Toys.

Pope on a slippery slope
The Vatican reports that the Pope is doing better. He’s still having trouble getting out of bed. In fact, the Pope has to struggle harder to stand up then the Democrats did during President Bush’s State of the Union Speech.

Well, you can . . .
Switzerland has a beer for gay people called Queer Beer. It will soon be available in the U.S. Yeah, you can soon get Queer Beer at Dick’s Liquor. What? What I say?

Have you heard the slogan for Queer Beer? “It’s the Queen of beers.”

Have you heard the slogan for Queer Beer? It’s “Tastes great. Get over yourself, person.”

Since you asked:
In my opinion, subjecting a captive audience to long, banal, one-sided conversations is selfish and rude. David Letterman once said, just for fun, when he is a captive audience to a cell phone conversation, he likes to join in as if he is involved in it:

“What am I doing? Why, I’m standing here inline with you. No, I don’t want Chinese food tonight, but thanks.”

One Saturday morning I decided to have fun with one of the worst cases of cell phone bragging ever witnessed. While in line at the local crowded and slow moving bagel shop, this woman whipped out her cell phone, and in a deliberately loud voice she veritably shouted:

“Hey, guess who I just got as a client?” (Ever notice how the same annoying people who ask you to guess actually make you guess?) After several incorrect guesses from the other end, this woman yells out;

“My new client is Junior Seau. Yeah, all pro linebacker Junior Seau is my new client. I gotta go.”

This Junior-Seau-as-a-client revelation caused a few heads to turn and no sooner than she hung up, she dialed again and repeated the exact same conversation to some other victim.

“Guess who I just got as a client? No, no, no . . .” I turned to a stranger in line next to me and I loudly whispered, “I’m going to take a wild guess that it’s Junior Seau.” We both cracked up as she yelled out “My new client is Junior Seau” the second time.

The third time, when she re-dialed, my new in line buddy decided to get in on the fun. “Let me try” he said. When the new client question was raised again, he said;

“Is the new client O. J. Simpson?” When the woman again yelled “My new client is Junior Seau” he said, “Shoot, I was going to guess that next.”

Now everyone in line is laughing at this oblivious and loud cell phone bragger. No lie, she must have repeated the “Guess who is my new client” call at least ten times. After the fourth time when she demanded that her victim on the other end guess, people up and down the bagel line were piping out with their own guesses.

“Guess who I have as a new client?” One guy replied “Osama bin Laden?” There was a guess of Scott Peterson, Paris Hilton and at least two Donald Trumps. When the cell phone bragger invariably proudly shouted out “My new client is Junior Seau”, everyone groaned in mock disappointment. This was now a crowd scene worthy of Mel Brooks.

By the seventh call our curiosity was piqued. We openly guessed as to just what service, exactly, this woman performed for Junior Seau? Since she was attractive we jumped to some severe conclusions. Yoga teacher? Could she be a massage therapist, perhaps? Or maybe even a hooker? Someone mentioned that Seau was recently divorced so, yep, that was it, the entire bagel shop agreed: this woman was Junior Seau’s new hooker.

No sooner than we decided she was Junior’s hooker, as god is my witness, the cell-phone yammering bragging woman announced;

“Yeah, really, Junior Seau is my new client. No, I’m serious. Yeah, in fact, I just got done . . . doing his two Rotweilers.”

Everyone nearly hit the floor convulsed with laughter. “She must have charged extra for that . . . “ my new buddy said.

It was a little later that we figured out she was a dog groomer, but, by then it was too late, we were spasmodic with hysterical, tear-wiping poorly stifled chuckling. She finally hung up and had absolutely no idea why everyone in the entire joint was laughing.

The moral? Don’t bring that weak-ass cell phone yammering bragging into my Carmel Valley/Del Mar hoodizzy or you gonna get played like a beeeeyatch, ahhhhhiiight? Peace, I’m out, yo.
This be from yesterdizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Still having lingering computer hell)

Phil on the hill
Happy Groundhog day. Some sad news. Donald Trump’s new bride, Malania Knauss emerged, saw the Donald’s hair and predicted six more weeks of marriage.

Where was this when I was single?
Budweiser is coming out with beer that has caffeine in it. Who is this for? The guys who don’t want to risk falling asleep after having sex with an ugly girl?

What a relief
In Buffalo, Hillary Clinton feinted during a speech. She’s fine now, but at first the doctors were terrified. They grabbed her and Hillary felt ice cold and clammy. But then Bill Clinton told them not to worry, that’s how Hillary always feels.

T.O.? God here. Step off
The Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens announced that his injured ankle was healed through divine intervention. Upon hearing this, an angry God ordered Terrill Owens to shut up and stop mentioning him or he’d break his other ankle.

A make-up artist is suing Snoop Dogg with rape. It’s serious, if guilty, Snoop Dogg could face criminal charges that could result in jail and or being neutered.

Holy Shiite
Iraq's leading Sunni Muslim clerics said the elections were bogus because large numbers of Sunnis did not participate in the balloting, but the Shiite Muslims did. In other words, the Sunni’s think the election was full of Shiite.

What a doll
The reported captured U.S. G.I. on an Islamic web site turned out to be the action figure “Special Ops Cody.” What gave it away was that the gun pointed at the hostage’s head was held by a red, fury Jihad-Me-Elmo.

Today, an Islamic militant group announced they captured those vile infidel’s Sponge Bob Square Pants and Barney the Dinosaur.

Get it?
Virginia Commonwealth University researchers have shown that Viagra reduces the death of heart cells after heart attacks. So, in short guys, Viagra also helps you keep your heart on.

Lara’s scene
The London Daily Mail reports that, on a first class flight to London, actress Lara Flynn Boyle got naked and tried to crawl into bed with another passenger. Here’s my question: who would report her to the flight crew for that? Did she try to crawl into bed with Elton John?

Now that’s drunk
Officials are going to install breathalyzers at schools at the Hamptons because so many students are showing up drunk. To show how drunk one male student was, he tried to have sex with a female gym teacher, that’s how drunk he was.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

To and fro on the wicked down-low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What are the odds?
Following the successful election, al-Qaeda vowed a holy war in Iraq. In other equally shocking news, Michael Moore declared he loves to eat fudge.

Or something like that . . .
A Shiite leader, Abdul Aziz al-Hakim, claimed victory in the Iraq elections. He’s a Shiite leader. Here’s my question: As a Shiite leader doesn’t that make him a sort of a real Shiite head?

Hate to hear that . . .
A make-up artist is suing Snoop Dogg with rape. Well, not rape exactly, but she did claim Snoop Dogg humped her leg.

Not again . . .
Ashlee Simpson was nice enough to sign “The Tonight Show” Tsunami aid-auction bike last night. Bad news though. They had a signature expert look at it, turns out it was a forgery. Ashlee faked signing her name.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Can you hook a brother up one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Broadcaster malfunction
This Super Bowl halftime will be different than last year’s. This time the only boob that will be exposed will be Terry Bradshaw.

Seems harsh
New York is going to be the first state to give work readiness test to determine if high school students are ready for entry level jobs. If they pass, they receive a “Work Ready” certificate, if they fail, they’ll be considered inept, useless and they’ll have to sign with the New York Mets.

The good ol’ days
In Redwood City a DNA test on a high school teacher’s child revealed the father was one of the teacher’s students. Remember the good ol’ days when the expression boning-up for a test meant something else all together?

Don’t make an Ass out of yourself
Now that he is going to the Baltimore Orioles, what did a lot of the Chicago Cubs really think of Sammy Sosa? Let’s put it this way: take the name Sosa, drop the o and read it backwards.

A ring with ramps
Fat and 55 Larry Holmes announced he wants to fight fat and 56 George Foreman. This will be the first match to be sponsored by AARP.

A different Eagles version of "Already Gone"
One week to go until the Super Bowl in Jacksonville, FLA. It’s not looking good for the Philadelphia Eagles. They keep asking if Governor Jeb Bush called with a stay of execution.

Many football experts are not giving the Philadelphia Eagles much of a chance against the New England Patriots. In my opinion people are going to be surprised, the Eagles will show up ready to play. Yeah, sure, they’ll get crushed, but they are going to show up ready to play.

Many football experts are not giving the Philadelphia Eagles much of a chance against the New England Patriots. To show how bad it is, for this week until the Super Bowl, Eagles are officially back on the endangered species list.

Philadelphia Eagles injured wide receiver Terrill Owens claims god is helping heal his broken leg. If god really was involved, wouldn’t want to think he’d be smart enough to save himself the trouble and not break Owen’s leg in the first place?

Philadelphia Eagles injured wide receiver Terrill Owens claims god is helping heal his broken leg. So all you people embroiled in war and voting in Iraq and to all the Tsunami survivors, just a word of warning, you’re on your own this week, god is apparently busy with T.O.’s ankle.

We kid the red clay state
A big ice storm in Georgia knocked out power to 300,000. It was so cold in Georgia, to stay warm, people were even getting into bed with folks they weren’t related to.

Or “Entertainment Tonight”
Despite bomb threats, Iraqis in the millions turned out to vote. And to think there are people in the U.S. who didn’t vote because they didn’t want to miss “Wheel of Fortune.”

And finally
A Judge sentenced a 19-year-old teenager, Jeffrey Lee Parson, to 18 months in prison for releasing a computer virus. This sentence is to be served concurrently with the earlier sentence from god: to be a lonely loser and die a virgin.

Since you asked:

Just got the iPod working. Oh . . . my . . . word. See, I had the thing since my birthday, but my ‘puter didn’t have the operating system XP to work it. Now that I have a new computer, I can load the Ipod. It is one of those things, like the blessed TiVo, you have to use to appreciate. I am up to 400 songs and it hasn’t made a dent on the memory. And it is really easy to use. Yesterday at the gym I used it on the exercise bike and 30 minutes of 30 mph hell went past in a flash. It is so cool. I’ve mentioned this before, but 15-years ago if you’d have said; “I Googled a band I saw on a TiVo’d Conan, bought the CD on Ebay and downloaded it on my iPod.” Well, you’d have been burned for witchcraft, is all.

Best all time harmonica gig at Dick’s Last Resort in the Gaslamp last night. Great band, Inside Out. Really cool folks and they rocked. In all modesty, we killed on U2’s “Desire” Fantastik’s “What I Like About You” and many other rocking blues tunes. So I finish this all-time set, sit down, they do a few dance-oriented sets and then bring me up for a big finish starting with ZZ Top’s “Tush.” The song is in G, so any night that I wasn’t out of my mind, I know I play a C cross harp. For some reason I was sure it was a D harp. It most decidedly wasn’t. I sounded like I was strangling a cat. Damn that Jagermiester.

That’s what happens when you get cocky. But we salvaged it with a rocking jam in A. Then I covered with a joke about that being the problem with the harmonica. To play it you have to suck and blow, and on that song I really sucked and blew.

Hey, regular A.L.B.B. readers, all ten of you. I am serious, my regular email senders need to send me an email so I can reply and get it in my address book. My old Outlook addresses are dead until I get someone who can figure out how to switch them over.

Don’t make me come up there.