Friday, January 21, 2005

I told you my computer was insane. I am expecting pea soup to come spewing out of the hard drive any second.

"Demi, Demi, why you do this to me, Demi?" (The Priest in "The Excorcist" not Moore)

Go with the Pats and Eagles, although I want the Steelers and the Falconians. Even thought Vick is more overrated than Van Halen.

And watch the Buick at Torrey Pines. The course is four miles from my abode as the crow flies, but since very few of you reading this are crows, that won't help much. (Sorry, been watching a lot of the Marx Brothers lately)
We all kinds of crazizzy in this here hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One from column B
In Los Angeles Harbor, a cargo container was packed with 32 illegal Chinese immigrants. The good news? It didn’t contain any M.S.G.

How . . . cold . . . was . . . it?
It has been so cold in Minnesota, Randy Moss pantomimed freezing his butt off.

Wild thang
Wild inaugural balls last night. First daughter Jenna Bush got so wasted last night, today they had to wake her up with jolts from Dick Cheney’s defibrillator.

Wild inaugural balls last night. First daughter Jenna Bush got so drunk today she woke up and had Bill O’Reilly’s cell phone number on her speed dial.

Not clear on the meaning
Political analysts and historians say that President Bush’s inaugural speech indicates an interventionist position. When asked if he took an interventionist position, Bush said; “No, Laura and I aren’t as flexible as we used to be.”

Doy dah doy dah doy egh egh egh egh egh egh
Conservative Christian groups say the cartoon Sponge Bob Square Pants, Barney and Winnie the Pooh promote homosexuality. Really? I don’t think so. Now, Popeye, sure. Come on, a vegetarian sailor whose motto is “I am what I am” and his expression is “blow me down”? He’s gayer than a porcelain bowl of potpourri.

This is why friends shouldn’t let friends blog drunk
The creators of “The Simpsons” have announced they are going to "out" one of their characters as gay. I think it’s that cousin of Homer and Mo the bartender. You know: Homo.

Did you see that shot of John Kerry at the inauguration? He was not happy. Even Kerry’s wife Teresa couldn’t cheer Kerry up, she tried everything: flashing her checkbook, her TRW, her stock portfolio, her ATM card, nothing worked.

Ewwwww and brrrrrrrrr
It looked cold at the inauguration. It was so cold Bill Clinton’s intern’s dress stain froze solid.

Not happy
A lot of people complained about the food at the inaugural balls. The liberals didn’t like that the chickens only had right wings.

That explains it
I noticed, at the inauguration, that England’s Prince Harry wasn’t there. He was home resting a bad case of the shin splints from all of his goose-stepping.

Good ol’ Aunt Dottie
A study in the New England Journal of Medicine claims a drink of booze keeps older women more clear-headed. If that were true my Aunt Dottie could solve the conflict in the Middle East.

Do the math
The President of Harvard, Larry Summers, had to apologize after his remark at an academic conference that women were less able to succeed at math careers. He said specifically to the dozen of women professors he insulted, he’d like to apologize to all fourteen of them.

Since you asked;
Is there anything more annoying - or more fun to pick on- than a world class hypocrite? We have this local news anchor who is also a full time, born-again Christian minister. The problem? When I knew of him many years ago in the rocking late '80's San Diego/La Jolla single bar scene, he used to cash in on his marginal local newscaster fame to get weak-minded girls to deliver beer, pizza and a booty call to his apartment. He'd then kick them out and then laugh and brag to his buddies - or anybody who would listen to him - about it later. Trust me, he was righteously oily. This big oaffy clown is now a minister. Perfect. Now, I can't say his name, but it rhymes with Sham Swiller.

I'm not sure where he is a minister, but I'm guessing it's the Church of Poon, Pepperoni and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

What a tool.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

You so money, road dog Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How upset was she?
Angelina Jolie continues to vehemently deny she split up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston. When she first heard the accusation, Jolie was so upset she nearly fell off her current co-star.

How cold was it?
The entire country is experiencing a cold snap, with temperatures in some places as low as 50 degrees below zero. It was so cold in Washington, President Bush had to borrow a flannel shirt from Dick Cheney’s daughter.

How married are they?
Donald Trump is getting married for the third time this weekend. However, this is only the first marriage for his fiancé Melania Knauss as well as the first marriage for Trump’s hairpiece.

Their vows are very up-to-date: “Donald, do you promise to love, honor and cherish ‘till Angelina Jolie you do impart?”

Trump is serious about making this marriage work. To show how serious, Trump plans to spend as much time working on his marriage as he does working on his hair.

How bird-like are they?
The Atlanta Falcons face the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC battle of the feathered mascots. In a desperate attempt to improve their fortunes, today the San Francisco Forty Niners changed their name to the Bay Area Big Birds.

How wild are they?
The North County Humane Society in San Diego held a gala to raise money for homeless animals. Didn’t homeless animals used to be referred to as wild animals? Apparently, the animals found the term wild offensive and prefer the more politically correct term homeless.

How greedy is she?
In an interview J. Lo said she is sick of her moniker, J. Lo and wants to be known as Jennifer. However, for those people interested in purchasing any of her J. Lo lines of underwear, perfume, jewelry, and lawn care products, the name J. Lo is still in effect.

How violated is she?
Someone has been hacking into Paris Hilton’s computer and reading her e-mail. Paris said she felt so violated she had half a mind to have someone videotape her.

How relevant to my life is it?
The NHL players and owners are meeting in Chicago to decide if there will be any games played this season. In other equally-relevant-to-my-life news, Prince Harry wore a “Pull My Finger” t-shirt.

How sad is he?
Can you believe it was a year ago that John Kerry won the Iowa caucus and Howard Dean gave his red-faced rant? Today Dean is back in Vermont practicing medicine and Kerry is back in Massachusetts driving his wife Teresa’s limo.

How big is it?
Air Bus is building a double-deck jumbo jet that seats 800 people. It’s so big the airlines will be able to lose your luggage while it’s still on the plane.

800 people on the plane will be tough on the flight attendants. That is a 1,600 knees to hit with a beverage cart.

How glad are we?
Hollywood continues to stagger from the dreaded Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston’s break up. Thank goodness we still have that rock of an entertainment marriage: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.

How much does that include?
Paris Hilton now charges $300,000 for a personal appearance. But that does include the copy of her videotape.

How . . . oh forget it
There are now two companies that claim to make recreational vehicles that could withstand nuclear radiation. Can you imagine? After the big ones go off, a world of nothing left but people drinking beer out of those tubes plastic tubes from cans on their hard hats.

This explains it
Another pilot, this time on Air Trans, was caught drunk in the cockpit. No wonder I can never get a drink in coach, the flight attendants are too busy serving the pilots.

Not clear on the concept
The New York Post reports John Kerry and Al Gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said; “Goody, I can win a third term.”

Works for us in California
For the upcoming election in Iraq, the US troops say they will seal off the borders. For the U.S., sealing off the borders means that the only people who can come in to the country are those that want to.

Since you asked;

OK, for a while there we were hit pretty hard with rain, but luckily for us, we didn’t get much damage. We lost a small tree in the backyard but that was it. Knock on wood. Many folks had it much worse. Wrigley and Kasey had it the toughest with the rain. My word can that Wrigley whine when he gets a little wet. It's been over a week and he still looks up when he goes outside to check if it's raining. His whining in the rain could melt a heart of stone. You’d think he was in acid rain. You’ve got a waterproof oil on your fur, Wrigger-digger dog, don’t be afraid to use it.

But man, oh man is it beautiful here now. Check out the Buick Open television coverage at Torrey Pines (an eight mile bike ride away) and drink a shot of Jagermiester every time an announcer says how nice it is. You’ll be schnackered before Gary McCord says something stupid. (We kid the mustache, he is great)

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Don’t be half-steppin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
A British tabloid claims “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell wants to dump his girlfriend, but she has threatened suicide if he does. That is shocking. I can’t believe it. Simon Cowell is straight.

Not pretty
Now it looks like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston have to go to court to settle the details of their break up. There could be a nasty battle over who gets custody of David Schwimmer.

That’s mean
The theme for the inauguration is “Celebrating Freedom and Honoring Service.” This is better than their first idea; “Celebrating that the Democrats Nominated John Kerry.”

You have to feel a little sorry for John Kerry during in inauguration celebrations. It’s like making the losing contestants from “The Bachelor” watch the Byron and Mary wedding video.

My mistake. Well, her’s as well . . .

“American Idol” aired tonight. That’s where you get to see a really horrible singer make a fool of herself in front a huge television audience. No, wait, sorry, that was Ashlee Simpson’s Orange Bowl halftime show. I’m confused.

Singhing the blues
Vijay Singh’s caddy, Dave Renwick, quit claiming the number one golfer, Singh, was unfriendly and negative. The final straw was the time Vijay showed up to the driving range in a Nazi shirt.

The bad news is that the caddy for the number one golfer, Vijay Singh, quit citing a personality conflict. The personality conflict? Unlike Vijah, the Caddy actually has one.

The bad news is that the caddy for the number one golfer, Vijay Singh, quit citing a personality conflict. But don’t worry, Regis Philbin will take his place.

Not good
At the Tsunami Aid: Concert of Hope, Madonna sang John Lennon’s “Imagine” to extremely mixed reviews. Some felt watching Madonna sing John Lennon was like watching Hamlet performed by Carrot Top.

The next sound you hear
CBS has approached “Today Show” host Katie Couric about possibly replacing outgoing news anchor Dan Rather. That noise you just heard? Legendary newsman Edward R. Murrow spinning in his grave.

That’s not right
On a sad note, the guy who wrote the ad slogan “Got Milk?” passed away. The embarrassing part? He died of lactose intolerance.

Seven years ago President Clinton said “I did not have sex with that woman.” Here is my question: has anyone finally gotten around to getting that blue dress of Monica’s cleaned?

One two team
On the red carpet at the Golden Globe awards were Joan and Melissa Rivers. They’re a good team: Joan asks the questions while Melissa catches the celebrities that pass out from the fright of looking at Joan.

Poor John
You have to feel sorry for John Kerry. He can’t watch the inauguration until he’s done all of his chores, or Teresa won’t give him his allowance.

We kid the Wang
The inauguration is very exciting with everyone getting all dressed up. You know who Dick Cheney’s daughter will be wearing? Vera Wang. Not the designer dress, the actual designer, Vera Wang.

Cutting corners
President Bush has come under criticism for spending $40 million on the inauguration. Give him credit, Bush tried to cut corners where he could. You know all of the parade route construction? It was all built for free by Dick Cheney’s daughter.

In the end he gets something

The bad news for Minnesota Viking hot dog Randy Moss is that, in addition to a $10,000 fine, he continues to get bad press for pantomime “mooning” of the Green Bay crowd. The good news? Moss’s agent had a real good endorsement meeting with the folks at Preperation H.

Since you asked

Bare with me, I am in computer hell again. Should be OK by the end of the week.

So I walk into the kitchen to my daughter clicking away on one of those plastic disposable cameras at our dogs. The dogs were curled up together sleeping outside on the deck and apparently my daughter thought this was photo worthy.

“How many pictures have you taken?” I asked. The reason I asked this? We’ve had film developed that came back as four regular pictures and twenty shots of Ann Caroline’s stuffed bunny, Blueberry. A.C. is sort of a six-year-old Monet photographer. She believes in depecting the same image in differant lights.

“How many pictures did you take?”

“One.” she replied sheepishly.

“Are you sure? I heard a couple of clicks when I came in.”


“We just got this camera and now there are no pictures left. How many did you take?”


“Ann Caroline, we’ll know exactly how many you took when we develop the film, so don’t fib.”

She thinks about this for a while and then she says;


That’s my girl. Never fess up until confronted with undeniable evidence. We are now accepting applications for my daughters campaign manager.