Monday, November 07, 2005

November 7

We got us about ten cases of the nasty on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Finally, my years of studying sports and lesbians has paid off

Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa when patrons complained the two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the locked bathroom. The best part? I could read this story without having to give anyone my credit card number.

Statistically speaking
President Bush’s approval rating is down to 35%. It’s official, less people approve of President Bush than have slept with Paris Hilton.

Exactly what we needed when we needed it
Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a rap CD. Suddenly that Christmas CD by Donald Trump and Regis Philbin doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a rap CD. Supposedly it’s a fusion of country and rap. Or as I call that: Crap.

Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a rap CD. Yeah, Kevin’s rapper name is P. Diddley Squat.

Kevin Felderline’s rapper name? Snoop Lazy Dog.

Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a CD. It’s actually inspired by a Led Zeppelin song “Whole Lotta Love” Yeah, it’s called “Whole Lotta Crap.”

“I can’t wait to rush out and buy Kevin Federline’s rap CD” replied not one single human on the planet.

Stuck on a feeling
A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. That also explains the other poor slob who has been stuck standing at their urinal for two days.

A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. Turns out he did spend 50 minutes on the toilet but it wasn’t because of crazy glue, it was because he ate at Taco Bell.

A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. When he finally stood up he was so mad he wanted to get even and tear Home Depot a new one too.

Assshhlee Shhhimpson
In Toronto, a video camera caught a really drunk obnoxious and staggering Ashlee Simpson at McDonalds at one in the morning; she was so drunk, instead of lip-synching, Ashlee was lip-slurring.

You know how they know Ashlee was really drunk? She was ordering food at McDonalds at one in the morning.

Going to pot
A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. Why is this idiot suing? He should be happy that he found out the sticky stuff he sat in on the toilet seat was just super glue.

T.O.’s B.O.
The Philadelphia Eagles have suspended loud-mouth receiver Terrell Owens for comments detrimental to the team. In fact, there hasn’t been anyone whose mouth has started as much trouble since, well, Monica Lewinski.

One of the many stupid things T.O. said is that he was mad that the Eagles organization didn’t celebrate his 100th touchdown. Can you blame them? If there is one thing T.O. doesn’t need help doing, it’s celebrating a touchdown. Helping Terrell Owens celebrate a touchdown is like dressing up Paris Hilton as a whore for Halloween.

For some reason I keep coming back to this
Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa after patrons complained the two women cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the bathroom. Here’s my question: who is the moron that complained?

The good news? The Cheerleaders were just hired by the Minnesota Vikings and invited on a boat cruise.


It doesn’t?
A survey in “Self” magazine reports that 40% of women fantasize when doing the laundry. And that’s not including the women who sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle.


Gone with the wind (Get it? Tara? Gone with the Wind? Oh brother)
Tara Reid turns thirty tomorrow and she looks absolutely great for her age. Not for thirty, but for 57. That’s Tara’s age in movie-star, party-girl years.


We’d like to say happy 30th birthday to Hollywood party girl extraordinaire Tara Reid; We’d like to, but unfortunately right now Tara has passed out on a Hollywood bar’s filthy bathroom floor.




Heh, heh, heh, uh, no I don’t
“E-Online” claims that Kobe Bryant’s wife, Venessa, is pregnant. Yep, it looks like Venessa has been delivering a little room service, if you know what I mean . . .


Why is this so damn compelling?
Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa when patrons complained the two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the locked bathroom. There’s no joke here, I just love saying two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the bathroom.

Something tells me I’ve seen a movie like that somewhere . . .

In a related story, countless thousands of men sustained minor injuries when they heard this story and fell out of their chairs.