Tuesday, March 08, 2005

We ain’t frontin’, we gruntin’, we gonna get our swerve on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Think Vince Vaughn in “Be Cool.”)

That explains it
Archaeologists have finally determined what caused King Tut’s death 3,300 years ago. He was bored to death of the Robert Blake trial.

And less pea soup
Reports are that Martha Stewart is a new, nicer person since being released from prison. Now when she screams at her employees her head only spins around once.

It is going to be a tough adjustment for Martha Stewart from prison. Just today she tried to buy a garlic press at William and Sonoma with a carton of cigarettes.

She wanted to show how many times 13 went into 37
A West Virginia 37-year-old sixth grade teacher, Toni Woods, was accused of having sex with several of her male students. It was awkward, the West Virginian students didn’t know what to call her during sex, teacher or Aunt Toni.

It was a freaky case for the West Virginia authorities, the teacher and the students had sex and they weren’t even related.

You know what sex is like for a West Virginia student and teacher? It’s all relative.

Nice gesture
During their tour of the Tsunami victims, former President Clinton gave up the only bed on the plane to former President Bush. Apparently Clinton slept on an inflatable Intern.

You had to see him
President Bush has tapped John Bolton to be the U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Critics say Bolton is too hawkish, too sharp-tongued, and that he looks way too much like Captain Kangaroo.

We would have said Tom Arnold fans, but there aren’t any
A study from the American College of Cardiology in Florida revealed that laughter is good for the heart. Upon hearing this, fans of Paulie Shore were advised to begin jogging immediately.

Be better in no time
Bill Clinton has to go back under the knife for what was described as low-risk heart surgery. He should be fine, Doctors say Clinton will go from being on an I.V. to being on soft interns in one week.

During their tour of the Tsunami victims, former President Clinton gave up the only bed on the plane to former President Bush. The floor wasn’t a hardship for Clinton, he’s slept on much colder, more uncomfortable things. Like Hillary, for example.

Bad blood
Following their close battle at Doral, it is obvious Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson don’t get along. Apparently it stems back to the time Phil asked Karl Malone to hit on Tiger’s wife.

No biggie
Manchester United soccer star Wayne Rooney was recorded using 10 obscenities in one minute during an argument with a referee. Or as volatile hoops coach Bobby Knight calls 10 obscenities in one minute: a bedtime story.

Since you asked:
What terms do you hate? Issues can go away for a while. It is a term that stinks of the pussification of America. It’s a weasily way out of saying what you really think, i.e., he has anger issues really means, that guy is freakin’ crazy. You think I got anger issues? Youse gonna have broken nose issues. Whaddya ‘tink ‘bout ‘dat?

“I’m all about” needs to rest. Hello is no longer cute as a form of duh. “Up in here” should only be used sarcastically – as with all street expressions – by non-street people over the age of, oh, say, anything.

Player is starting to show its wear and tear. So is referring to your car as your ride. And “It’s all good” has to go back to where it came from because it is no longer any good.

Any others let me know:

lexkase@san.rr.com

Oh, and check this out:

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/

Their motto? Say it loud, say it plowed.