This be from yesterdizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Still having lingering computer hell)

Phil on the hill
Happy Groundhog day. Some sad news. Donald Trump’s new bride, Malania Knauss emerged, saw the Donald’s hair and predicted six more weeks of marriage.

Where was this when I was single?
Budweiser is coming out with beer that has caffeine in it. Who is this for? The guys who don’t want to risk falling asleep after having sex with an ugly girl?

What a relief
In Buffalo, Hillary Clinton feinted during a speech. She’s fine now, but at first the doctors were terrified. They grabbed her and Hillary felt ice cold and clammy. But then Bill Clinton told them not to worry, that’s how Hillary always feels.

T.O.? God here. Step off
The Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens announced that his injured ankle was healed through divine intervention. Upon hearing this, an angry God ordered Terrill Owens to shut up and stop mentioning him or he’d break his other ankle.

Yikes
A make-up artist is suing Snoop Dogg with rape. It’s serious, if guilty, Snoop Dogg could face criminal charges that could result in jail and or being neutered.

Holy Shiite
Iraq's leading Sunni Muslim clerics said the elections were bogus because large numbers of Sunnis did not participate in the balloting, but the Shiite Muslims did. In other words, the Sunni’s think the election was full of Shiite.

What a doll
The reported captured U.S. G.I. on an Islamic web site turned out to be the action figure “Special Ops Cody.” What gave it away was that the gun pointed at the hostage’s head was held by a red, fury Jihad-Me-Elmo.

Today, an Islamic militant group announced they captured those vile infidel’s Sponge Bob Square Pants and Barney the Dinosaur.

Get it?
Virginia Commonwealth University researchers have shown that Viagra reduces the death of heart cells after heart attacks. So, in short guys, Viagra also helps you keep your heart on.

Lara’s scene
The London Daily Mail reports that, on a first class flight to London, actress Lara Flynn Boyle got naked and tried to crawl into bed with another passenger. Here’s my question: who would report her to the flight crew for that? Did she try to crawl into bed with Elton John?

Now that’s drunk
Officials are going to install breathalyzers at schools at the Hamptons because so many students are showing up drunk. To show how drunk one male student was, he tried to have sex with a female gym teacher, that’s how drunk he was.