Friday, July 23, 2004

We right like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One Sick puppy
*An Illinois man was charged with having sex with a dog. Apparently the dog liked to do it people style.

That’s a serious offense. For every year he is sentenced to jail, it’s really seven.

Not since that
*Bill Clinton security advisor Sandy Berger claims he inadvertently stuffed National Archives documents into his pants and accidentally threw them away. It’s the first time something inadvertently ended up in a Clinton administration member’s pants since, well, Monica.

And today, Bill Clinton claims he inadvertently stuffed a Hooter’s waitress in his pants.

And it drinks, just like a Chardonnay, but it tastes, just like a little Ripple
*Bob Dylan is working with a winery to come out with his own wine. It’s strong. Two glasses of the Bob Dylan wine and you won’t be able to pronounce one single lyric.

The Bob Dylan wine goes great with pasta, seafood and most of your hallucinogens.

One sip and you'll be knock, knock, knockin' on bathroom's door. 

I can’t wait
*Ken Jennings has now won over a million dollars on “Jeopardy.” If Jennings wins another one hundred thousand, than Alex Trebek will officially become his bitch.

It’s always the last place you look
*Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico is reporting it is missing two computer discs of highly classified weapons information. Have they checked inside Sandy Berger’s pants?

*Martha Stewart compared her plight with that of Nelson Mandela. That is the most self-indulgent, egregious over-exaggeration since Ralph Nader called himself a presidential candidate.

Les Spittoon
*Lance Armstrong is leading the Tour de France. There are reports of spectators spitting on Lance. You have to give the French credit, only the French could come up with a way to be offensive to an American tourist who is traveling past them at over thirty-miles-an-hour.

Sadly, spitting on Lance is historically the strongest resistance the French have ever put up against an invading foreigner.

Lance Armstrong is leading the Tour de France. In addition, Lance set a new world record for the biggest farmer’s tan.

Of course the French are spitting on Lance Armstrong. When he rides past them even their body odor isn't bad enough to be offensive at thirty-miles-an-hour.

How about the Washington Misinformers?
*In baseball news, the rumor is that the Montreal Expos will be going to Washington D.C.  No word on what the Washington team will be named, but, for my money, you have to consider the Dangling Chads, Kneeling Interns, Unread Memos and Undisclosed Locations.

This just in
*Krispy Kreme introduced a liquid version of their glazed donut. This is for those of you tired of the labor intensive chewing required to eat donuts, the liquid Krispy Kreme will now make it possible to actually have Krispy Kremes fed intravenously into your arm.

*Apparently Halle Barry and Sharon Stone did not get along during “Cat Woman.” It got so bad that, at one point, they thought of changing the movie name to “Catty Women.”

Halle Barry and Sharon Stone did not get along during “Cat Woman.” And apparently Sharon Stone didn’t get along with a lot of people who were going to be involved in the sequel to “Basic Instinct.” So, when Sharon plays a real scary character, that ain’t so much acting.

No brainer
The 9-11 Commission reports that our country is in dire need of better intelligence. Well, no kidding, anyone who has seen any of our reality programming could have figured that out.

Since you asked:
My Sainted –and as some would say – long suffering child bride, Virginia, as I have mentioned, is on a quest to gaslight me. (Secretly drive me crazy)

Yesterday, it was hot. I had gone for a run and was running late to meet a friend and needed a quick shower. Since my foresight doesn’t extend to making sure there is a clean towel waiting – there usually is, especially in our guest bathroom – I didn’t think to look for a towel when I hopped in the shower. Dripping wet, I saw a cream-colored towel on the counter. Being a guy’s guy, since the towel didn’t look like it had been used recently to clean up a sewage spill, I deemed it fit to dry off with, excuse my preposition.

There I am happily drying off, when I suddenly feel something in my mouth and then a vague itchy feeling all over. Then I catch my image in the mirror. Not an extremely pleasurable duty anyway, this glance in the mirror was particularly shocking as the towel I was using was apparently the one that our yellow labs, Kasey and Wrigley, had taken turns sleeping on for a month. My body was veritably covered in white, downy, shed dog fur. I looked like a polar bear with a horrible case of mange.

Why my lovely, sweet, kind, wife decided to go to all of the trouble to put that fur-covered towel in our bathroom instead of, oh, say, the laundry room? Because she is trying to gaslight me. 

Any thoughts or comments, here I am. Be nice, comedy writers are sensitive and needy as a lost puppy in the rain.


Thursday, July 22, 2004

A shout-out to my roadizzy dogizzy’s one time up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Take the four and divide it into . . .
*A miner just found a 182-carat diamond in Guinea. Or as Kobe Bryant calls a 182-carat diamond: 45 Laker girls.
I, uh, I did not know that . . .
*Due to hostages taken, the government of Kenya has called on all of its citizens to leave Iraq. I didn’t know this, but apparently Kenya is a Swahili word that means: French.
*In Tennessee four jail inmates, Ridgy Dean Coleman, Jimmy Joe Stapleton, David Wayne Blizzard and David Allen Hopkins, escaped to buy beer and then returned to jail.  And what a shock that they all go by three names? Where was Bobby Joe Doofus and Billy Boo Wanker? 
Hey Sandy Berger, are those purloined terror documents in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Bill Clinton security advisor Sandy Berger claims he inadvertently stuffed National Archives anti-terrorism documents into his pants and accidentally threw them away, documents specifically requested by the 9-11 commission. Even Martha Stewart is calling this guy a liar.
What is it with the Clinton administration? They can’t control anything that’s inside their pants.
Martha, Martha, Martha
*Martha Stewart told Larry King she is writing a book for people in her situation. And who’s that? Rich lying thieves? So that means it will sell two copies, one to Enron’s Kenneth Lay and the other to Sandy Berger. 
Because of her prison sentencing, Martha Stewart compared herself to Nelson Mandela. And today Martha went to the gym, spent ten minutes on the stationary bike and compared herself to Lance Armstrong.
Today Martha Stewart offered somebody an aspirin and then compared herself to Mother Teresa.
That hurt
*It was reported that Stephen Hawking reported his new discovery about black holes to all of his fellow brilliant astrophysicists. That’s odd. He didn’t call me.
Still beating this dead horse
*An Air Force Academy cheerleader was charged with steroid violations. They suspected a problem when the cheerleader patted a passing player on the butt and accidentally sent him flying into the stands.
Shocking development
*This just in: Dennis Kucinich has announced he is pulling out of the presidential race. What a shock. I had no idea he was still in the thing.
Since you asked:

It just goes to show you, Slatterns and Ranchers, that you never know.

In the Spring, we had practically no plans for the Summer. Parents at my daughter’s school could hardly wait to yammer-on about their far flung adventures – hiking the Himalayas, providing famine relief in West Africa, going to museum openings named in their honor - while I stood there feeling like the worst father/husband/dog-owner/moron in the world.

“Uh, duh, what are we doing? Uh, well, we might go to Legoland, yup, yup, yup.”
Then I would scratch myself. Real hard.
Low and behold, reunion-based trips started happening on their own; a college track reunion in Santa Barbara; high school great friends informal reunion in Chicago and Wisconsin; my wife’s family get-together in Colorado, and now, possibly, another Santa Barbara reunion to see my good old restaurant pals from the Elephant Hu . . . uh, excuse me, Elegant Farmer. (Churherherweeeeeeee buddy)
Here’s my question: with all of these reunions popping up out of nowhere, am I dying of something and they’re not telling me? Because I really don’t feel that great, to be honest. No, seriously, you can tell me. I can take it. Does this mole look at all normal to you? Grandma? What’s that? You want me to come closer to the light? Oh, sweet relief, that mist feels so good. Are those harps I hear? Hey, isn't that Junior Wells? Why, I thought he was . . . wait a second. 
And that’s how we play; “Alex is a self-absorbed hypochondriac.”

Just in: After nearly dying from the flu, a monkey in an Israel zoo recovered and now walks upright, like a human. A veterinarian said the explanation is that, during the fever, the monkey suffered brain damage, so now it walks. Kind of knocks the crap out of Darwin’s theory of evolution, don’t it?  We’re not evolved, were brain damaged. Well, at least that explains Karaoke singing. 
(Polite applause)

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

We hooptie bad now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Umm, how, umm, how hot was it?
*It’s been so hot, Linda Ronstadt dedicated a song to Michael Moore just to get the breeze from people booing.
Blew by you
*Linda Ronstadt got booed and kicked out of the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a song to Michael Moore and his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11.” Ronstadt tried to back peddle:
 “Did I say “Fahrenheit 9-11”? No, I meant gesundheit, 9-11. The people in seats 9 and 11 sneezed, yeah, that’s it.”
Ronstadt is back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong going down the Alps backwards.
Feel the burn
*The secret service final codenames for the Bush daughters are “Twinkle” and “Turquoise.” Twinkle and Turquoise? Who chooses those codenames, Richard Simmons?
Sure sign
*An Air Force Academy cheerleader was charged with steroid violations. They could tell the cheerleader was on steroids, when he tossed the other cheerleader in the air, she went through the goal post uprights.
Sounds familiar
*The 9/11 commission is releasing a report that says Iran, not Iraq, was involved with the attacks on September, 11th. Our relationship with Iran is bad.  Today at the U.N., and Iranian diplomat dedicated a song to Michael Moore and we kicked him out.
Good idea
*Here’s something amazing - Martha Stewart’s stock went up 30% after her sentencing. Today Martha plans to knock off a Seven Eleven.
Why not?
*There have been several incidents where parents have actually named their baby ESPN. Why not just name the kid Beat-Me-Up-and-Take-My-Lunch?
Kill the Billy Goat, now
*The Chicago Cubs – who, earlier, were leading their division – are in a tailspin and in third place, ten games out. Even Howard Dean is making fun of the Cubs’ collapse.
Not a good sign
*With the Olympics less than three weeks away, it is not looking good for the completion of the construction for the Athens games. This just in: the Athens developers have just ordered ten thousand cases of duct tape.
He can do better than that
 *Bill Clinton security advisor Sandy Berger claims he accidentally threw away anti-terrorism documents requested by the 9-11 commission. Obviously Berger doesn’t own a dog, or he could have used the much better excuse that his dog ate them.
Must See Maybe
“Seinfeld’s” Jason Alexander is taking a crack at another sitcom. I think he is with Bonnie Hunt, and Dennis Leary in a sitcom titled; “No matter how much everyone loves us, this sitcom is going to die a quick death.”
I, uh, I did not know that
Some interesting facts are emerging about John Kerry. Did you know he is one of the richest senators? Kerry is also one of the most decorated by the military in the senate. And, if it wasn’t for Ted Kennedy, John Kerry would also have the senate’s biggest head.
We are also here to inform
There are several categories in the Tour De France. There’s the yellow jersey: general time classification, the polka dot jersey: best climber classification, the green jersey: points earned for sprints classification. And now, thanks to Arnold Schwarzenegger, there is a classification for the rider who quits with the weakest excuse: it is the Pink Jersey, Girlie Man classification.  

Since you asked;  
If you read my last Since You Asked – and for your sake, I hope you did not – you got the sappy version of my great Decathlon/Heptathlon Santa Barbara reunion. Now for the dark side.

As it is a rule with traveling, your car will act funky right before a road trip. (It is somehow attached to the rule that, when you come back to your hotel room from breakfast, clutching the sports page, and you desperately - and I mean desperately - need to use the bathroom, the maid will be in there cleaning) My brakes were squeeking.
Being the cautious grown up that I am, I took the car into my honest-to-a-fault auto shop for new brake pads. As soon as I hit the road for Santa Barbara, the car felt a little funky. At first I told myself the rattle was just my bike on the rack. By Los Angeles – one hundred miles later – I was no longer buying this excuse. The car was making nasty metal on metal noises. When I stopped to check it, everything seemed fine: the tires looked OK, nothing smelled hot or oily.
I pressed on and by the time I pulled into my Santa Barbara hotel, the noise was loud and the car had a distinct shimmy. A smart man would have it checked right then. However, as you and Forrest Gump know, I am not a smart man.
After a great weekend, I decide to push straight through to home, shimmy and noise be damned. Just before Oxnard, I get on the slower but more scenic coastal route so, if it broke down, it wouldn’t be on the freeway. But once in L.A. I had no choice, I had to take my wounded Grand Cherokee on the L.A. Freeway. Did I mention I have a reoccurring nightmare of breaking down in South Los Angeles? The Jerry Jeff Walker song that goes;
 “If I could just get off of this L.A. Freeway without getting killed our caught” was ringing in my ears.
Sure enough, once on the 405 off the 10, I hear an awful popping noise, and now the car is really making a grating and loud metal crashing on metal noise and it has a just-short-of-violent shake. In a full panic, I look up to see the next off ramp. It is Normandy. As in “Truck driver Reginald Denny, severe brick-induced brain damage from Rodney King riots” Normandy.
No getting off here, I thought. Sweat is pouring off of me, both from the stress and the lack of air conditioning. (That also went out right before the trip) Somehow, and I am still not sure how, exit by exit, mile by shaking mile, the car makes it all the way home, bless its noble blood hound-like heart.
The next day, to my horror and relief, I discover that the left back tire was wobbling in and out eight inches at a time. My fine auto repair place had neglected to tighten the frickin' lug nuts. It now had only two of six attached and both of those were stripped and ready to pop off.
How that wheel did not fly off in the middle of the L.A. freeway in the middle of South Central Los Angeles will never be fully explained. But I have a strong feeling that, once again, I owe my Mom and Dad up there big time.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Oh now, that’s, that’s my bad, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Martha Stewart, Living Large
*Martha Stewart has a new catch phrase for prison: Being my bitch? It’s a good thing.
*It has been hot. I’m sweating like Martha Stewart filing her asparagus tongs into a shiv.
What a coincidence?
*Linda Ronstadt got kicked out of the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a song to Michael Moore and his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11.” Michael Moore was also recently kicked out of the Aladdin. Not for his movie, but for eating too much at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Tapping in
*The Bush daughters have joined the campaign. This is bad news for the press on the campaign trail: The free booze supply will now be severely strained.
The secret service final codenames for the Bush daughters are “Twinkle” and “Turquoise.” That’s better than their first idea: “Schlitz” and “Budweiser.”

Rah, rah, 'roid
Two football players at the Air Force Academy were charged with steroid violations, and so was Jonathan Belkowitz, a cheerleader. Do cheerleaders need steroid?
“Let’s push ‘em back, push ‘em back way back . . .(‘roid rage) to freakin’ Moscow.”

Low ball
*Iraqi militants released the Filipino truck driver hostage today. How low are people’s expectations of Iraqi militants when we are delighted that they didn’t cut off the guy’s head?
It must be tough to negotiate with Iraqi militants:
Negotiator: “How about if we try a compromise?”
Iraqi Militants: “How about if we cut his head off?”
That close
*It’s looking more and more like Lance Armstong is in great shape to win his sixth Tour de France. It’s looking so good, today Gary Payton and Carl Malone asked to be traded to the U.S. Postal team.
The chalk flew up . . .
*John McEnroe has his own talk show on CNBC. How is that going to work?
“What do you mean we have to break for a commercial? You cannot be serious! My director is the pitts of the world.”
Let’s not quibble
*The 9/11 commission is releasing a report that says Iran, not Iraq was involved with the attacks on September, 11th. When asked to respond, President Bush said; “There’s a difference?”
Apparently Bush thought Iran was the past tense for Iraq. Today it’s called Iraq, yesterday it’s Iran. Like flew and flown, sew, sown.
Call your broker
*Here’s something amazing - Martha Stewart’s stock went up 30% after her sentencing. It shot up after she was sent to jail. Here is my question: how can I buy stock in Kobe Bryant?

Not that I’m not tough or anything
*Dale Earnhardt Jr. will compete Sunday in a NASCAR race in New Hampshire, despite suffering burns to his legs and face in a fiery wreck last weekend. And to think I once took a day off because of a case of the hiccups.
Practically twins
While discussing her sentence, Martha Stewart compared herself to South African civil rights leader Nelson Mandela. Sure. Besides Martha being a rich white woman who ripped people off and lied and Mandela being a tortured martyr for racial freedom, they are almost identical. 
Right now
Medicare now recognizes obesity as an illness. Obesity is an illness? Forget his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11” Michael Moore should dial 911.
Everyone knows that . . .
John Kerry has picked up the John Edwards theme of “Two Americas.” When asked to comment about two Americas, President Bush said,
“Well, duh. Everyone knows that there’s North America and, well, that other one. Come on, know your basic geology.” 
Now, you know how I hate to brag, but check out the caption winner
And this one:
I'm LexKase

Monday, July 19, 2004

Somebody up and pimped our ride, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
How hot is it?
*It has been hot. I’m sweating like George W. Bush trying to tell Dick Cheney he’s getting dumped.
I tell ya, I’m sweating like Courtney Love’s publicist.
I’m sweating like John Kerry’s barber.
It’s been hot in California. I’m sweating like Laker G.M. Mitch Kupchak explaining the Shaq Miami Heat trade to Laker owner Jerry Busse.
Zay Tour de Fraaaaaaahnze
*Don’t you love the Tour de France British announcers Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin? At one point, Sherwin described a struggling rider as being “in a spot of bother.” And here I thought a spot of bother was on Monica’s blue dress. 
Sherwin described a beet-red, tongue-wagging exhausted rider as “being in a spot of bother.” These guys would describe a train wreck as “a rather untidy arrival.”
Cinderella boy, tears in his eyes, I guess
*During the ABC broadcast of the British Open, announcer Mike Tirico, describing unknown winner Todd Hamilton, used the “Caddy Shack” words tears-in-his eyes and Cinderella story. The only thing that was missing was a dancing gopher and Judge Schmales. 
It’s a good thing
*Martha Stewart has been sentenced to six months in prison. Martha is getting ready. Today Martha traded her silverware grape shears and asparagus tongs for ten cartons of cigarettes and a snake neck tattoo.
Martha will be the first person in prison to have a shiv made from sterling-silver. 
Were Brandy and Chrystal taken?
*The Bush twin daughters have joined the Bush campaign. It was announced their Secret Service codenames are "Twinkle” and "Turquoise”. Twinkle and Turquoise? Somewhere there are two strippers who need a new name.
Twinkle and Turquoise? Are they in charge of securing that all-important Hooker voting block?
Love to love you, baby
*Courtney Love was back in court in Los Angeles. Courtney spends more time in courts and hospitals than entire soap opera casts.
Courtney Love spends so much time in court and hospitals, she isn’t a singer, she’s a bad soap opera: Join us for “Days of Our Bold and Restless Courtney Love.”
Getting there
*The Olympics is three weeks away. You can tell it’s getting close; at the Greek construction sites, the workers are almost done setting up their lawn chairs for the work breaks.
Hans and Franz
*California lawmakers are upset that Arnold Schwarzenegger referred to them as “girlie-men.” In fact, one San Francisco legislator was so shocked when he heard Arnold’s girlie-man remark, he coughed out his Cosmopolitan all over his evening gown.
What a shock
Islamic militants rioted at Palestinian government offices after Yasser Arafat appointed a relative as security chief. No shocker there.  Palestine has to be the first state where everyone qualifies for a Zoloft prescription.
What a whimp
Dale Earnhardt Jr. will compete Sunday in a NASCAR race in New Hampshire, despite suffering burns to his legs and face in a fiery wreck last weekend. Remember this the next time you call in sick to work because you’re hung-over.
Since you asked;
On the drive up to Santa Barbara for a U.C.S.B. based- Decathlete and Heptathlete reunion and surprise birthday party for our legendary track coach, Sam Adams, right before I got into Montecito, as the great memories were really flooding in, the Green Day song “Time of Your Life’' came on a Santa Barbara F.M. station. It made me all heavy-throated and misty.
Although I love my family to pieces, I really like what I do and where I live, how can you beat living in Santa Barbara and training with the best coach and the best people on the planet when you are young and indestructible? You can’t. No complaints now –well, not many anyway- but it just doesn’t get any better than that. We were amazingly blessed at the prime of our lives. How many can say that?
The reunion and the U.C.S.B Alumni golf tournament could not have been better – and for me to say that about golf is tantamount to someone raving over a gum scraping. Santa Barbara was as gorgeous as I ever remembered (picture the one who broke your heart) and we laughed all weekend until our sides hurt. In addition to golf, I ran, rode my bike and swam in the Ocean. And yes, on Friday night, I drank my face off in a classic State street pub-crawl that made me feel twenty years younger. (Until the next morning when it made me feel twenty years older)
When it was finally time to leave, a truly bittersweet moment, as soon as I was on the 101 Ventura Freeway, as if eerily on cue, the song “Time of Your Life” came on again. This time I got a little more than misty.
“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. I hope you had the time of your life.”
I sure did.
Here are the rest of the lyrics:
Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why It's not a question but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable but in the end It's right I hope you've had the time of your life
So take the photographs and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good heath and good time Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable but in the end It's right I hope you've had the time of your life 
Here's hoping you had the time of your life, Slats and Nugs.
Hey, look what I can do now. Don't worry, I promise I won't make it too fancy.