Friday, June 18, 2004

This just in:

The Chicago Cubs are on fire having won six games in a row, no small thanks to admitted hand pee’r Moises Alou. In fact, Alou has been so hot, Barry Bonds is considering urinating into his steroid syringe.

We in mizzle of the shnizzle up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that’s mean
President Bush insists there is a connection between Iraq and al-Qaida. Well, there is, sort of; the words Iraq and al-Qaida both have A, I, Q. As opposed to Bush who doesn’t have a I.Q.

You hear me?
*No weapons of mass destruction, no direct links to al-Qaida. Apparently we invaded Iraq because president Bush simply didn’t care for their attitude, Mister.

*Steroid-rumor embattled sprinter Marion Jones called a press conference to deny ever using any performance enhancing drugs. Jones insists she has never, ever, used steroids and anyone who says she has can kiss her damn testicles.

Oh, please
*Under intense pressure from the French Fry lobby, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has proclaimed frozen, battered French Fries a fresh vegetable. Yeah, and the hot thick grease they’re deep fried in is now considered a healthy, refreshing soup.

In addition, a heart attack will now be known as a mere cardiac hiccup.

Not for nothing . . .
*Madonna told ABC’s “20/20” that she wants to be known by her Kaballah name, Esther. Esther? (Was Gertrude already taken?) After announcing her name is Esther, Madonna then launched her upcoming “Oye Vey” tour.

Look for Madonna’s, err, Esther’s next album: “It Should Kill You to Call?”

How hot is it?
*It has been really hot in New York. In Manhattan, it is so hot that the cab driver’s turbans are bursting into flames.

Oh my
*According to a new study, rats are monogamous. Rats stay with one partner. That is, until they become governor of Arkansas and then President of the United States.

Type casting
“Around the World in 80 Days” is out. "Around the World in 80 Days" features a cameo by Arnold Schwarenegger as a lecherous, narcissistic ruler. In other words, he plays Bill Clinton.

Give us a break
*An economic study claims there is no link between the amount of income somebody earns and the amount of sex they have. Oh, sure. And that’s why the line; “Hey baby, wanna see them cut-up my credit cards?” works so well.

An economic study claims there is no link between the amount of income somebody earns and the amount of sex they have. Or so the broke-ass guys who conduct economic studies would like women to believe

Is he sure?
Insiders say Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss is ready to give total control of his team to Kobe Bryant. Do you really want to give total control of your franchise to a guy who couldn’t order room service without ending up in court?

Since you asked:
I often say jokes out loud to hear how they sound, see if they flow (Flow? Linolium, what's that got to do with it?)

Sometimes I forget I’m saying the jokes out loud, I get so into it, when I’m in public and I get seriously busted talking to myself. When someone catches me, I do that thing where I pretend I was really singing:

“Did you hear the one about the(see somebody looking at me weird) do dah, dee dum dee doo um dee doo.”

You wish you were me, don’t you? Come on, admit it. That’s right.

(Sniff and sigh of cockiness followed by polite applause)

My five-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, loves to sing the wedding song. But instead of “Here comes the bride, all dressed in white” she sings; “Here comes the bride, all dressed and wide.”

That isn't likely to get her invited to be a ring girl anytime soon.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

This just in:The Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller movie “Dodgeball” is coming out. They’ve outlawed dodgeball in most schools claiming it’s a sport of violence, humiliation, exclusion and degradation. Well, yeah, hello? That’s what made is so fun, duh.

That’s way jacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Daddy Day gift idea

*Father’s day is this weekend. If you are looking for a good gift for Dad, you can’t go wrong with Bill Clinton’s book, “My Life.” It’ll remind Mom that, at least compared to Clinton, Dad isn’t such a dirt-bag after all.

More on Bill Spill
*In a bombshell confession, Bill Clinton told CBS he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky: “Just because I could.” It’s sad when a former president of the United States is reduced to using the same excuse that a dog uses for licking its testicles.

Why, why?
*The original five members of Duran Duran have announced they are reuniting. Why is Duran Duran reuniting? Because they are Broke Broke.

Sounds familiar
*The Detroit Pistons crushed the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA championship. The loss was so bad, the Lakers announced they are going to return to Vermont to practice medicine.

No, not really
*Last week was the Cialis Western Open and today the U.S. Open began at Shinnecock Hills, New York. And today, Cialis temporarily changed its name to Shinnecock

*Rush Limbaugh has announced he's getting divorced for the third time. Apparently Rush tried to shop around for a prescription for a good marriage but, sadly, he couldn’t find one.

Sure, that explains it
*An economic study claims there is no connection between the amount of income you make and the amount of sex you have. Oh sure, all those hot babes go out with Hugh Hefner because he reminds them of Grandpa. That must be it.

Uh oh
*Geraldo Rivera announced he is going to return to Baghdad. And you thought the Iraqi's hated us before . . .

Now we know
*Ten years ago today O.J. Simpson led police on a slow chase in a white Ford Bronco. Now, looking back at it, we now know that he wasn’t trying to escape, O.J. just couldn’t wait to get out and hunt for the real killers.

She was mad
*Sprinter Marion Jones held a press-conference in San Francisco to deny the United States anti-doping authorities accusations against her. Jones is so furious at the steroid allegations, in a rage, she picked up a reporter and threw him across the room and through a brick wall.

That’s nice to hear
Detroit fans are so proud of their Championship Pistons it actually makes it a little more bearable to be a Lions fan.

About twenty more NBA championships and it might actually make up for the fact of having to live in Detroit.

(Just kidding. I’ve got family around Detroit, Birmingham and such, and it is lovely there)

Since you asked:
If there is one thing you know from this blog, it is that I hate to exaggerate or over-state my opinion; so as not to put too fine a point on it, I am starting to believe that the soccer moms in our area are the personification of pure evil.

What? You say there are people much more evil than soccer moms? Terrorists for example? Granted, terrorists are pretty bad, but at least they kill for a reason: religious fervor. A Carmel Valley, San Diego soccer mom will kill you over a parking space.

Who knows why?
Somehow, someway, the act of staying home and raising a child in this area has turned these women into this perfect storm of over-entitled, overly-competitive and self-absorbed pitt bulls with an SUV.

Step one
The way I see it, there are only two ways to handle these over-cafinated psychos. Let’s say, as a typical example, a soccer mom has just shoved her way in front of you at the grocery store. You can try and appease them – and the situation - by saying:

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot that you are, in fact, the single most important person on the planet, and those of us not here to please your every whim, are the enemy. The reason I forgot is because you look so much like a worthless, selfish bitch. Next time, I’ll write it down so I don’t forget.”

Step two
Or you can take a slightly more proactive approach:

“Just so you know, I’ve given savage beat-downs to far nicer and less annoying people than you.”

And that’s how we play, “How to deal with Carmel Valley, San Diego, psycho soccer moms.”

(Polite applause)

My favorite
My favorite - not the rudest, mind you, just the funniest - soccer mom experience, as so often happens, involved a soccer mom yammering on her cell phone.

As it happened, I was standing in a line at the local smoothy place when this cell-phone-yammering soccer mom in back of me shoved her way in front of me. I politely tapped her shoulder and said;

"Excuse me, I'm ahead of you."

She looked surprised and nicely said, "Sorry" and, to her credit, got in back of me again.

Well, about two seconds later, she did it again. Slightly more annoyed, this time I said:

"Do you mind not cutting in front of me?"

This time, she wasn't nearly as polite, but, albiet grumpily, returned to her proper spot behind me. That's when I heard her say into the phone:

"What? Oh, it's just some ass**** who keeps cutting in front of me."

Why they are so scary
One of the reasons these soccer moms are so scary is the Stephen King school of "Make something that isn't supposed to be scary really scary" school of horror. Frequently the soccer mom's visage is demure, kind and sweet. They often look a lot like Bonnie Hunt, except they aren't cute, witty and adorable like Bonnie Hunt; they're more like "Schindler's List" concentration camp commandant, Amon Goeth (Ralph Fiennes)

And then others look exactly like the saddistic evil-doers that they are.

(Polite applause)

Since you asked, the expanded version:

Don’t you just love the puppet voice men and women use to imitate their significant other? Men imitate their women with the most impossibly exaggerated, shrill, whiny, bitchy, hen-like voice that no real woman has ever had. Well, except for Hillary Clinton.

But the women-folk are the best. Guys, when women imitate us, they make Forest Gump sound like British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Women’s puppet voice for their men is the voice of a Neanderthal who just had a stroke. (Duh, yup, yup, I like to scratch myself, I does, yup, yup)

And, Gents, don’t you love the way women love to throw out the word little when talking about us? Yesterday, I over-heard my wife say to her friend on the phone:

“Oh, Alex is so cute when he is cooking on his new little grill.”

Little grill?! Little grill?! Damn, woman, there are fighter jets that aren’t as big, shiny and cool-looking as my grill, Thunder. In fact, from now on, when I am grilling, the rule is that everyone has to call me by my call sign: Maverick.

And I actually wonder why women think we are morons?

P.S. Friends don't let friends Blog drunk. Word.
Now, I hate to be a buzz-kill, but, at this rate, we headed for one righteous beat-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kind of embarrassing
*Britney Spears had to cancel her summer tour due to her knee operation. When Britney’s doctor ordered her to go to bed and put her legs up, she said; “You mean like on a date?”

How did that get in there?
*The Supreme Court preserved the use of the word God in the Pledge of Allegiance. In addition, due to some deal with V.P. Dick Cheney, the Pledge of Allegiance will now include the word Haliburton.

*At the White House they unveiled the Bill Clinton portrait. It was the first presidential portrait with a fold out and a scratch and sniff.

The portrait of Clinton is different than the other presidential portraits; it features more clowns and big-eyed kittens.

You’re telling me Bill Clinton’s portrait will hang somewhere along with Abraham Lincoln’s? That’s like a Hustler store opening next Carnegie Hall.

It was kind of embarrassing. Clinton must have misunderstood, when he arrived at the "unveiling," he had 100 dollars in ones.

Spanking to the oldies
*Japanese Doctors claim guys can lose weight through masturbation. I think it’s called the Whacktkins diet.

Right about then
*The White House said it would hand over former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein to the interim Iraqi government at "an appropriate time." That would be right about the time of his death.

The NBA finals MVP went to the Detroit Pistons’ Chauncey Billups. Winning the NBA finals M.V.P. is such an honor it might even make up for going through life with the name Chauncey Billups.

Where is the Love?
*Courtney Love had to cancel her 21-date tour. I think the tour was billed as Psycho-palloza.

*Have you seen the picture of Courtney Love when she turned herself in? Yikes. When did she turn into the crazy lady from the old neighborhood that dresses up her fifteen cats?

*Courtney Love cancelled her tour. And due to her bad knee, Britney Spears cancelled her tour, and because of vocal problems, Christine Aguilera cancelled her tour. What does a guy have to do to go see a slutty female singer these days?

Thank god for Mariah Carey or we wouldn’t have any skanky female singers left.

It’s not unprecedented for a pro team, like the Los Angeles Lakers, to have seven great players and still lose. It just used to only happen to 45 man football teams.

That other problem
*Speaking to troops in Florida, President Bush reiterated his commitment to do whatever it takes to put an end to the biggest problem facing his administration. And after he gets rid of Michael Moore’s movie “Ferenheit 9/11” Bush is going to take care of Iraq.

Since you asked;
You know one of the problems, for guys, about being married? We can’t lie as much as we used to. Oh yeah, when we were single, we would lie about the stupidest damn things:

“Oh yeah, did I ever tell you about the time I saw Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis and I called him a scumbag right to his face?”

I’ve actually told this story to the point where I am starting to believe it really happened. That isn’t close to being true. Sure, I saw Al Davis, and yes, I wanted to call him a scumbag in the worst way, but I didn’t have the guts, primarily due to the 300-pound bodyguard who was with him.

Now if that happened, my wife would say, “I was with
you, remember? You didn’t say a word.”

When it comes to sex, all guys lie. As I have said before, if a rock star slept with five women, the next day he’d tell the guys in the band and the road crew that it was ten Victoria Secret models.

Well, guess what, fellas? Lying about sex also ends the day you get married. First of all, nobody wants to hear a married guy brag about having sex with his own wife. That’s like bragging about winning a game of Solitaire. (Where the hell did that come from?) Secondly, if you did lie, women live for the chance to bust you flat in Baton Rouge.

Cut to: A cocktail party.

My wife:

“Who are you kidding? The only thing you did five times a day on our honeymoon was drink beer.”

Once again, welcome to my private hell, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Polite applause)

Oh, my.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

We gonna rub about ten kinds of nasty up on this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Birthday The Donald
*Donald Trump turned 58 yesterday. Coincidentally, his hair turned fifteen.

*The Supreme Court preserved the use of the word God in the Pledge of Allegiance. In addition, due to some shady deal on the side, they are also going to include the name Starbucks.

Nobody listens to me
*Bill Clinton’s memoir is out. It’s titled; “My Life.” I still think he should have gone with my title suggestion: “Spill Bill.”

Bill’s book is 957 pages long. Apparently each girlfriend gets a page.

*It’s looking more and more like the Detroit Pistons are going to be NBA champions and get the big diamond ring. And they didn’t even have to have Kobe Bryant cheat on them to get it.

In their 88-80 game four loss to the Detroit Pistons, the Los Angeles Lakers didn’t pass, they took bad shots, they didn’t play defense, they whined to the refs, they whined to their coach. I guess Kobe Bryant was right, this really is his team.

How embarrassing is it for the Lakers to be the whiniest and worst behaved team in a game that features NBA cry-baby Rasheed Wallace? That’s as embarrassing as getting rejected at last call by Paris Hilton.

*For the Los Angeles Lakers, their game four was almost as ugly as ABC commentator Tom Tolbert’s green plaid suit. Did Tolbert lose a bet? That wasn’t a suit, it was a cry for help.

Women hated that suit. That suit took the laid right out of the word plaid.

Get it right
The Cialis Western Open golf tournament? Viagra sponsored NASCAR teams? When are these erectile-dysfunction companies going to get their sports right and sponsor a pole-vaulter?

In vs On
It’s getting so bad for the Los Angeles Lakers, following his dismal 8-25 shooting, Kobe Bryant is now officially having more fun in court than on court.

Next, on NBC
*The White House said it would hand over former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein to the interim Iraqi government at "an appropriate time." Until then, Hussein is going to host a new reality show; “Last Mullah Standing.”

Pitch meeting
Here is an idea for a new reality show: combine “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” with “Fear Factor” and “The Apprentice.” It’s called “The Apprentice Queer Factor.” The hairdressers that cannot stand looking at Donald Trump’s comb-over get fired.

Since you asked:
I’m turning into a TiVo slut.

By that I mean, I get this hollow feeling - when I watch Jay and Conan’s monologues the next day at Six a.m. as I make coffee and feed the beasts - that I am missing out because the recorded versions are a mere copy. A fake. A sham. A canard, even. (Exit stage right)

The TiVo’d (is that even a word?) shows are like going out with someone who is too eager to please; if they are always going to be there whenever you want them, you take them for granted. Although I hate to admit it, I guess I like my shows to play hard-to-get once in a while.

Confession time. Sometimes when I watch a recorded Cubs game on the TiVo, I speed it up to when I see the score change, and then I reverse it to see the action in real time. (Baseball purists feel free to puke) I can watch a three-hour baseball game in, oh, sixteen minutes. Therein lies the problem, I am now spoiled. Now when my wife tells me to do something, I hit her with the TiVo fast forward button. For some odd reason, she doesn’t think that’s funny.

Last night I was in heaven: I watched the Cubs beat the semi-evil Houston Asstros - and the sinister Roger Clemens - as I grilled cedar smoked and marinated pork loins on my shiny new stainless steel grill; hot air balloons floated over-head, as I alternately sipped a cool California chardonnay and tossed a ball to lab-beasts Wrigley and Kasey, all to the sweet strains of the Stones and Paul Butterfield Chicago Blues band lofting from the brand, spanking new outdoor speakers. Ahh.

Once again, bless you Smarty Jones. Bless you, Lion Heart and Rock Hard Ten. Bless your sweet horsy-smelling hides. And bless the Derby, the Preakness and the gods of the extacta as well.

(Polite applause)

Monday, June 14, 2004

Wind it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Flakers
Laker great James Worthy had a great nickname: “Big Game James.” The nickname for Kobe Bryant, after his 8-25 brick-fest last night? How about “Big Adobe Kobe?”

*I could not get over how much the Los Angeles Lakers whined during their game four loss to the Detroit Pistons. Kobe Bryant whined to Phil Jackson about the plays, the rest whined to the refs on every foul. Woody Allen and Michael Moore combined don't whine as much as the Lakers.

Gary Payton will be named the playoffs M.V.P. Most Vanished Person.

The Lakers whined so much they announced their new mascot is Ross from “Friends.”

A Nation moves forward
*It is the Monday following the moving Ronald Reagan funeral. As a nation, we can now go back to concentrating on the number one task at hand: Wondering whether or not Lindsay Lohan’s breasts are real.

Not a good sign
*Bill Clinton’s biography “My Life” is out. As in his past, I’m not sure how forthcoming Clinton is with the truth in his book. It’s listed as fiction.

Bill Clinton’s biography is 957 pages long. When Clinton finally proofread his 957 page book, it was the longest Clinton had had anything in his lap that wasn’t named Monica.

Get the drum kit ready
*The re-make of “The Stepford Wives” is coming out. It’s about guys who are married to a robot. You know how you can tell if your wife is a robot? She gets drunk on WD40.

You can tell your wife is a robot when, every time you turn on the microwave, she starts dancing the Conga.

You can tell your wife is a robot when you secretly suspect she’s having an affair with the vacuum cleaner.

At night, she says, “Not tonight, I’m recharging.”

You know how you can tell your wife is a robot? Her first name is Kelly and her last name is Ripa.

Go Buffs
*There are new charges of alcohol abuse and prostitution at Abu Ghraib prison. In addition to torturing prisoners, apparently they were trying to recruit them to play football at Colorado University.

Maybe not the most sensitive take on this in the world
*One of the interesting facts about Ronald Reagan was that, during the summers in Dixon, Illinois, he worked as a lifeguard at an inland lake and was credited with saving 77 lives. 77 lives? Was this lake located next to a home for suicide cases?

Oh, well, in that case . . .
A Somali man living in Ohio was charged with plotting with al Qaeda to blow up a shopping mall in Columbus, Ohio. Authorities were going to throw the book at him, but then they found out the mall had both a Blockbuster Video and a Starbucks so the said go ahead and blow it up.