Friday, April 09, 2004

Now, what I want is for you to have yourselves a straight slammin' Easter weekend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How is that going to work?
Organizers of the 2008 Beijing Olympics have broken ground on their 100,000 seat stadium. At this rate, the 2008 Olympics facilities will be completed just ahead of the facilities for the 2004 Athens Olympics.

A differant kind of performance
*There is a new gay soccer league in Mexico. Gay soccer is a little differant; instead of steroids, the only performance enhancing drug is Viagra.

Can you say Macy's float?
*An A.P. poll shows that President Bush and John Kerry are running neck and neck. Which means Kerry is ahead due that big ol' head of his.

*Our Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, reportedly saved a struggling swimmer's life in Maui. The bad news? When the guy went to his car, he was accidentally run over by Gray Davis.

A warning
*You could tell the 9/11 panel was going to be tough on Condoleezza Rice. Before swearing her in they asked Rice if she wanted to be steamed or fried.

It's not good to be the King
*Rodney King was arrested for driving 100 mph and crashing into a house. Before sentencing, Rodney pleaded to the judge; "Can't we all just get a long probation?"

Rodney King was charged with speeding and crashing into a house and sentenced to 120 days in jail. That means the rest of us have four months of safe driving.

I'm starting to think that Rodney King isn't practicing safe, defensive driving techniques.

*The last place 2003 Detroit Tigers are 4-0 and in first place. Even John Kerry was impressed with that reversal.

A little differant
*There is a Boston Red Sox movie called "Still, We Believe”. It's sort of the opposite of "Passion of the Christ." In 'Still, We Believe" the fans suffer for the sins of the Red Sox.

Billy big bucks
*Bill Gates is no longer the richest man in the world, he is number 2. Good thing Gates got married when he did.

Bill Gates is not the richest man in the world according to a Swedish magazine, the founder of Ikea is now the richest. And to think I had no idea there were that many gay apartments.

How about it?
*You know the show "The Bachelor"? So far the bachelors have been an ex-model, a rich guy and now a handsome NFL quarterback, the only three guys who don't any need help getting laid. (getting girls) When are they going to give the Blockbuster clerk who drives a Vega a shot?

*The third "Matrix" movie comes out on DVD. The Matrix DVD features out-takes that actually sucked more than the movie itself. Amazing.

Good thing
*The White House easter egg hunt is this weekend, the bad news for the kids is that the President is at home in Texas. The good news is that Bush's dog, Barney, won't be there so, unlike last year, no children will mistakenly think they found a chocolate Easter bunny on the lawn.

Since you asked:
She did it again. Not two days after the famous bee comment, my daughter, Ann Caroline, came up with another one.

Ann Caroline is five, so her grasp of numbers, I like to think, isn't all that great. I may be wrong. She asked me how old I am. Now, I knew I was in for trouble, but I told her anyway.

Ann Caroline verily bellowed:

"Whoa, hoo, haa, whoa, that's weally, weally old." (She still isn't a stickler with the r sound)

"No it is not," I replied with mock indignance. With a straight, serious face, Ann Caroline said;

"Oh yes it is, my friend."

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Can I get a hosanna from you now one time up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Greatest ti . . . I mean hits
*Proving once again, that there is no such thing as bad publicity, Janet Jackson's new album opened at #2. I'm not surprised, Janet has some greathits. I said GREAT . . . HITS.

Go 'Ski's
*Hey congratulations to the University of Connecticut's women’s basketball team national champions, The Lady Huskies. Incidentally, the Lady Huskies is the worst name for a women's basketball team since the Oregon State Lady Beavers.

Isn't the Lady Huskies also the name of Rosie O'Donnell's softball team?

Paging Ron Popeil
*A woman in Mexico gave birth to a healthy baby boy, after performing a c-section on herself using a kitchen knife. I think she named him Ginsu.

And guys think they are tough. I can't bring myself to clip off a hang nail.

There's the next Ginsu commercial, after cutting a can, a brick and nails, zip, there's a kid.

*The worst part? She pulled the kid out using a Popeil pocket fisherman.

Quite a dish
Have you heard the special at the Capital Hill cafeteria? Grilled Rice ala Condoleezza.

It isn't an easy task to grill Condoleezza Rice, the rice grains keep slipping between the grill grids and falling into the fire. It's a lot easier to bake Condoleezza Rice.

Next on "The Cooking Channel: The Federal investigator special: How to serve Martha Stewart's cooked goose over grilled Condoleezza Rice.

A wild idea
*The democrats seem intent on blaming September 11th on the Republicans. That's like American Airlines blaming the attacks on the United planes. Here's a wild idea: How about if we blame the terrorists?

This just in: Democratic leaders now question why the Bush administration didn't do more to stop the movie; "Gigli."

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Oh, it's comin' now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mark the date
*Seventy-four years ago Tuesday the very first Hostess Twinkee was invented by a Chicago baker. Coincidentally, its expiration date ran out today.

Good for her
*Jennifer Lopez mother, Guadelupe Lopez, won a $2.4 million Atlantic City slot machine jackpot. This is great news for Guadelupe; now she can hire someone to clean Jennifer's house for her.

Give the poor guys a break
*Jesse Palmer, a New York Giant quarterback, will court 25 women and star in the next "The Bachelor." That's only fair, everyone knows how hard it is for rich, handsome, pro quarterbacks to meet women. What's next, Bill Gates on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

Why don't we give Brad Pitt a queer makeover so he can be more attractive to babes?

Not positive on this one
*Bobby Brown is shooting a reality TV show about his life. I think it's called "Going to Hell,boy."

The camera is going to follow Bobby Brown around: It will go, with Bobby, from his drug dealer, to jail, then court, and then back his drug dealer, then back to jail..

Something like that
*"The Alamo" opens this weekend. It's about 2,000 Mexicans over-run a handful of Americans. It's kind of like a San Diego garage sale.

Not a good fit
*Budweiser has a promotion that offers day fresh beer. At select locations they serve beer made that same day. Let's hope this made-the-same-day promotion works better than it did with wine.

Imagine that?
*The Olsen twins have announced that they do not want to be called the Olsen twins anymore. From now on they want to be known as Bennifer.

Good for U.Conn
For the first time in NCAA history, the University of Connecticut has both the mens and the women's basketball titles. Now U. Conn will be as well known for it's two basketball team as it is well known for it's, uh, well U. Conn has, for instance there is, um, gosh, they also have . . . congratulations to the University of Connecticut basketball teams.

Since you asked;
Yesterday, my five-year-old daughter Ann Caroline (think the Grinch's Cindy Lou Who) and I enjoyed one of those golden father/daughter moments:

After a fiesty session of soccer keep away, a few foot races (Not even close, I destroyed her) and some frisbee golf and frisbee catch, we decided to go to the playground. Ann Caroline rushed over to me to inform me that she got close to a bee, but that the bee did not sting her.

"Where is the bee?" I asked.

"Over by the flowers," she said.

Ah ha, I thought, now is a chance to bestow her with my vast wisdom and provide a scientific chestnut which she will carry with her for the rest her life as insight gleaned from her sage father:

"You know, " I said, "the bees go to the flowers because that's where they get their food."

As I a beamed in self pride, Ann Caroline replied;

"Yes, I know," she said, "it's also how they pollinate the flowers."

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

You all kinds of fine right now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Putting the wreck in Ramblin' wrecks
*In-a-not-as-close-as-the-final-score, U.Conn crushed Georgia Tech 82-73. How bad was it? Even Richard Simmons thought U.Conn bitch-slapped Georgia Tech.

Georgie Tech learned a valuable lesson: Don't drink the champagne until after the game.

It got ugly in the second half. How ugly? Tom Arnold of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" thought it was ugly, and he was married to Roseanne.

I might be wrong on this one
*Volvo says has a new car out that is designed for women. I think it's called the Vulva.

Well, so much for that rumor . . .
*The Internet rumor is that Jessica Simpson is functionally illiterate. Jessica denied she is illiterate. She said she never, ever, litters.

Jessica denied that she is illiterate claiming her parents were married when she was born.

Oh the horror
*American Idol reject William Hung's off-key, off-rhythm album "Inspriation" hits the stores this weekend. In case you missed him, William Hung looks and sounds like the unholy result of if Yoko Ono and Roger Ebert mated.

How bad is Hung? Even Britney Spears thinks William Hung can't sing.

The reviews are in on William Hung's album "Inspiration." Yoko Ono gives it three screeches.

Saw this one coming
*The founder of the answering machine passed away at 92. Please leave your condolences after the beep.

It's official
*In addition to being the first to fly a hot air balloon around the world, Chicagoan Steve Fossett set the record for sailing around the world. This officially makes Fossett the most successful really bored rich guy.

If you can't have fun with a word like Shiite, you ain't trying
*Fighting continued in Baghdad between coalition forces and the protesting Shiite Muslims. It's not going well for the insurgents, as of now, the coalition forces are kicking the Shiite out of them.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Let's play ball, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get back in the game?
*Have you seen those Levitra commercials during sports broadcasts? A friend of mine said he tried Levitra and it really works: Yeah, he can now throw a football through a moving tire at thirty yards. It's amazing.

Those Levitra -football -through-the tire commercials crack me up. Why don't they quit horsing around and just show a pole vaulter?

Like father like daughter
*Ozzie's daughter, Kelley Osbourne, has checked into a drug rehab center for an addiction to pain pills. Asked to comment, Ozzie said, "I am so proud, but I can't take all the credit, Sharon also helped raise her right."

Kelley Osbourne is on the celebrity fast track: Brief, undeserved fame, a short-lived singing career and now rehab. At this rate, Kelley will make the "People" magazine "Where are they now?" issue by next year.

They reportedly found a baggie in Kelley's room with over 500 pills. Even Rush Limbaugh was impressed.

My prediction? In six months, Kelley Osbourne will face Tonya Harding in celebrity boxing.

Well, Shiite howdy
*US tanks deployed in Baghdad as Shiite Muslim radicals took to the streets across Iraq. Asked to comment on the uprising of the Shiite Muslims, President Bush said; "We shouldn't resort to name calling, but they are kind of full of Shiite."

Or as President Bush calls the Shiite Muslims, them Shiite-head Muslims.

T, I, double G, errr
*A Walt Disney World employee dressed as the character Tigger was arrested Friday on charges of molesting a minor and committing battery against her mother while the three posed for a photo. Disney authorities were first suspicious when the man applied to be the eighth dwarf, Gropey.

Couldn't finish it for some reason
*A study reports the more television toddlers watch, the more likely they are to have trouble paying attention and concentrating. Or something like that, I couldn't follow the whole article, I watched a lot of TV as a kid.

No nodding off
*Did you see the CNN clip of the kid nodding off during President Bush's speech? The White House has taken steps to correct this. Now, anyone who falls asleep during a Bush speech gets bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons.

Practicing safe riding
*Paris Hilton was thrown off a horse. The horse was worried because it wasn't wearing a condom.

You wanna Mecca me?
*To give you an idea how bad gas prices are, in New York, many cab drivers will only drive east in the direction of Mecca.

Take two
Martha Stewart is asking for a new trial. She thinks it's like her cooking show. She wants to redo it because they over-cooked her goose.

Since you asked;
Man, as a sports fan, am I glad Feb/March is over. Until the NCAA begins, it is the sports fan equivalent of crawling across a scorching desert. Out of the torturous void, suddenly, there is Cubs baseball, the NCAA final, and the Masters. It's as if Carmen Electra seductively beckons you to the air conditioned tent with a frosty margarita in her hand.