Monday, August 23, 2004

Oh, it’s on like it’s supposed to be on when it’s on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Maybe not many voice-overs
*Despite his high voice, All-around gymnastic winner Paul Hamm can look forward to lucrative endorsement deals, especially from the representatives of the Lollipop Guild.

Have you seen her? Tell me have you seen her?
*Russia’s Irina Korzhanenko, who won the Olympic shot put last Wednesday, was stripped of her gold medal for testing positive for steroid use. Did you see this woman? In other equally shocking news, Donald Trump’s comb-over tested positive for hair spray.

Korzhanenko was so distraught at hearing this, she hurled her jock strap and cracked the wall.

Not to be mistaken
*The painting “The Scream” was stolen from a Norwegian museum. “The Scream” was a famous existential portrayal of anxiety by Edvard Munch. “The Scream” is not the official portrait of New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey.

One day
*The story of the Athens Olympics is the success of the Iraq soccer team, proof of what can happen when a team is released from the torment of a sadistic tyrant. The New York Yankees and Oakland Raiders can only hope and dream.

Since you asked:
It turns out a mistake in the scoring resulted in Paul Hamm’s All-around gold medal. An American gymnastic coach said the results should stand and compared it to an NFL game in which a referee’s mistake was detected later.

Yeah, it’s just like that except for one thing: it’s nothing at all in the world like that.

A ref’s single mistake would only be one of countless factors in determining the outcome of a football game. The one and only method of determining the winner of a gymnastic event are the judge’s scores. If there was a mistake – as there was in this case - then the outcome should be changed. The fairest solution is to give another gold medal to the Korean gymnast who was wronged. The other option is to take away Hamm's gold and give it to the Korean gymnast. We don't want that, now do we?

Go Tom P:
The Olympic Decathlon begins today. Various Olympic events have been compared my old event, the beloved Decathlon; the Individual medley swims are the Decathlon of swimming; the gymnastics All-around is the Decathlon of gymnastics. And the 2004 U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team’s performance was the Decathlon of sucking.

U.S. Decathlon great Tom Pappas, win or lose, is an amazing athlete. His Decathlon performances would beat the top ten performances of most great NCAA division one entire track teams if totaled for a Decathlon score. How do I know that? Well, I don’t for a fact, but I bet it is true. Either way, the guy is amazing.

Hey, I never said my stuff was accurate. Hell, it ain't even funny a lot of the time.

Don't go changing to try and please us, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.