Monday, January 26, 2004

You know how we do all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Ed: How cold was it, Johnny?
It was cold in New Hampshire. Today voters huddled around Howard Dean just for the warmth he generates during a rant.

Where did this come from?
At the Bob Hope Classic, John Daly scored a rare double eagle: a two on a 514-yard par five. A double eagle. Wow, that’s more fun than beating up a Mime.

The runner-up at the Bob Hope Classic was Skip Kendall, who at one time was off the tour and working at an Olive Garden restaurant. Or as Tony Soprano calls the Olive Garden: The seventh circle of Hell.

Monkey shines
Happy Chinese New Year. It is the year of the monkey. To celebrate the year of the monkey, my local Chinese restaurant has a special on Kung Pao Chimp.

And when you sneeze you chirp
In health news, have you heard about this Bird Flu Virus? It’s bad, the first symptom of the Bird Flu Virus is an uncontrollable urge to crap on a statue.

Honor student? Well, she should get off of him before she gets in trouble
Nashville has banned all honor roles saying it’s an embarrassment for underachieving students. I am shocked. That is amazing. I had no idea there were any honor students in Nashville.

I was an honor student. No lie. One teacher said, with me as a student, she would really have to stay on her student.

My folks always asked me if I was on the honor role. I sure was, I told them, after the first joke, I was on a role.

(You can almost see the Catskills cocktail waitress rolling her eyes)

Blaspheme? Why yes it was, thanks. And I hope it was a blast for you as well
The first Christian themed nudist camp is going to open in Florida. For the guys this could bring new meaning to the minister’s command “All rise”

A Rose by any other name
Pete Rose is scheduled to do a book signing at a Casino. Good to see Rose is really sorry about his gambling problem.

Are you listening, Sean Penn?
The Golden Globe Awards were last night. All awards shows with actors are great. It gives us a chance to listen to actors talk on their own so that we can truly appreciate the value of a good scriptwriter.