Saturday, March 22, 2003

Hey baby let me light your candle because, Momma, I’m sure hot to handle now yes I am, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Got brass - but no class - in pocket
Did you hear this? Chrissie Hynde, lead singer of the Pretenders, said she hoped Iraq; “kicks our ass.” Even the French thought that was a stupid statement.

I guess this means the Dixie Chick, Pretenders USO tour is off.

The Pretender singer, Chrissie Hynde denied accusations that her statement that she hoped Iraq “kicked our ass” was hypocritical, then she put on her leather pants and attended a PETA protest.

It’s official
The stupidest celebrity comment about Iraq contest is now closed. Chrissie Hynde, lead singer of the Pretenders, said she hoped Iraq “kicked our ass.” Nice try, but even Anne Heche, using all of the little voices in her head, couldn’t top that one.

Even Anna Nicole Smith, fresh from getting her prescriptions filled, couldn't top that.

Think about it. It takes guts to be against this war. Something like 80% are in favor of the military action, so it takes guts to go against that. Everyone should admire the people who steadfastly stand for peace - except the hypocrites who protest violently against war.

But this moron Chrissie Hynde-end is not only for war, she wants Iraq to frickin' win. That means she wants our soldiers to lose. (OK, calm down, Lex. Go to your happy place. Picture Opie going fishing with Andy. Ease it on back down, Lexie, baby. Throttle her way back, Kasey. Inhale. Exhale. Happy place, happy thoughts.)

There should be consequences for saying something as stupid as Chrissie Hynde saying she hopes Iraq kicks our ass. And, in this instance, the consequence should be for Chrissie Hynde to repeat that statement to the families of the soldiers in the war.

Depuis vous avez demandé (Since you asked)

There was a time when I considered making fun of France’s poor hygiene, their rude manners, their dubious military record, and snotty air as sort of a slightly provincial ethnocentric guilty pleasure. Why? Because, as Elton John sings of Spain, they say France is pretty, though I’ve never been. (“Daniel”)

Well, not any more my little smelly, hairy snail and frog-eating friends, the gloves are off. Les gants sont de, mon ami.

In an insightful essay in “Time Magazine” Charles Krauthammer opines that the French do not support the Iraqi’s as much as they want to stop us from dictating world policy. France is plain old jealous – which looks and sounds like it started as a French word anyway – of our role as the world leader. Well, get over it, Pierre. What is French for Third World Country?

Make no mistake about it, folks, the French hate our guts. Like Iraq, we didn’t ask for this fight – albeit a hissy-fit kind of one - but we cannot deny it either. If Iraq is the gun-toting biker crack-dealing wife-beaters who have to be dealt with by the authorities, then France is merely the snotty, stuck-up neighbors who own way too many cats, don’t mow their lawn and play loud accordion music late at night. Forgetting that they exist is probably the best policy. But, whatever you do, do not invite them for dinner, or buy anything at their garage sale.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at the French.

Isn’t it wonderful, Slats and Nuggies, when the guilt is lifted from a guilty pleasure? It will be like the day when I finally read that a new health study discovers that cheeseburgers and copious amounts of wine – domestic wine – are the building blocks of good health. And that is a cheeseburger with, of course, American cheese. Take that, Jacques!

Oh, and while I am at it, can we officially declare the affected, snotty and pretentious practice of using French words instead of English as officially mort, n’est pas? If the French have the word, trust me, we have the word, Slappy. Learn them. Like them. Live them.

And about those Canadians . . .

Friday, March 21, 2003

Pity the fools what don't know what time it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Do I hear $200,000?
In Iraq, the government-run news agency said Saddam had decreed that any Iraqi who kills an enemy soldier would get a reward equivalent to $14,000. The reward for capturing an enemy solider was put at $28,000. And it’s $100,000 if anyone shoots Geraldo Rivera.

A change of Le Tune
After watching the precision bombing of Baghdad, the French have altered their stance against the United States. In fact, today, French President Jacques Chirac left a message at the White House wondering if we’d, by any chance, like another big harboor statue woman.

Tres Bon
Reports that Iraqi soldiers are surrendering en masse, actually marching in formation to give themselves up. In fact, the Iraqi’s are surrendering so well, even the French are impressed.

Zee very best, oui?
Our military has gone to extensive efforts to communicate to the Iraqi’s on the proper technique for surrendering. We spared no expense at arriving on the proper surrendering technique, in fact, we hired expert consultants: The French.

Iraq and Roll
The campaign labeled Shock and Awe is underway in Baghdad. Incidentally, the name Shock and Awe is also how my wife refers to our honeymoon.

In Southern Iraq, Iraqi troops have been reportedly trying to surrender to journalists. Good to see the Iraqi military tradition being upheld.

The military’s bombing campaign against Baghdad is titled Shock and Awe. In a somewhat related story, my comedy campaign is labeled Schlock and Awe-ful.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

You put the lime in the cocoanut, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Repeat after me, there is no E in the Louis in Louisville
Rick Pitino’s Louisville is in the NCAA tournament. There is a lot of debate on how you correctly pronounce the capital of Kentucky. Some say, Louie-ville, others say Loo-ah-ville, a lot of natives, like me, say Loo-uh-vull, but the correct pronunciation is actually Frankfort. (Thank you Mike McIntee, author of the Wahoo Gazette)

Talk about deserving a break today
A Wisconsin man Don Gorske downed his world record 19,000th Big Mac. 19,000 Big Macs. This guy has swallowed more special sauce than Monica Lewinski.

Office Pool
I am very excited. I had Saddam calling Bush “Reckless and a criminal” in the office pool.

Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld announced that Saddam Hussein’s regime’s days are numbered. In a related story, I am happy to report that I drew five in our Saddam’s Numbered Days Office Pool.

How deserted is it?
Reports say that Baghdad looks like a ghost town. How deserted is it? Baghdad hasn’t been that empty since it hosted the Pauly Shore film festival.

Nice career move, Darling
The Dixie Chicks song “Travelin’ Soldier” plummeted from No. 1 on the country charts to number 3 after listeners heard their anti-Bush, antiwar remarks. On the bright side for the Dixie Chicks, their CD’s are now available in Arabic and French.

Since you asked:

Here in San Diego, we have a brand new holiday today - invented by the wonderful folks at KGB FM: Steak and Knobber day. (It doesn't need explanation, either you get it, or you don't)

And in honor of Steak and Knobber Day, and now that those heroic movie stars have bravely offered to go forward with the Oscars, I think it is time to bring up something I have thought way too much about. There should be a lifetime Academy Award for the actor who ate the coolest in a movie.

The nominees are James Caan in “The Godfather” (“The Godfather” is the all time best eating movie ) when Cann is eating Chinese food out of the carton while plotting the revenge of his Father., Not to sound all Persony, but nobody ever looked better in a wife-beater t-shirt; Robert Shaw in “The Sting” eating breakfast room service while asking Robert Redford; “Yah follah?” Paul Newman in “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” in the final scene where he says; “The specialty of the house and it’s still moving” right before his plate gets shot out from under him.

But the best all time coolest eating actor has to be Sean Connery in just about every movie he has done. First of all, Connery is Scottish, so he can get away with that cool holding-the-fork-upside-down thing, plus the way he talks, he always sounds like he has a piece of steak in his mouth anyway, so when he actually does, it just somehow sounds cooler. Plus, in the Bonds movies, you know Sean is about to wash his steak down with a shaken, not stirred, Vodka martini. It’s over. In honor of Post Knobber Boxing Day, the lifetime Academy Award for the actor who ate the coolest in a movie goes to Sean Connery.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Just another day in paradise, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How empty is it?
Reports say that Baghdad looks like a ghost town. How deserted is it? Picture an entire city of movie theaters and they are all playing either Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” or Madonna’s “Swept Away,” that’s how deserted it is.

Really? That much?
Did you hear about the snow in Montana and Colorado? There is more white powder there than at Whitney Houston’s birthday party.

Nice career move
The Dixie Chicks song “Travelin’ Soldier plummeted from No. 1 on the country charts to number 3 after listeners heard their anti-Bush, antiwar remarks. In a related story, in another comeback attempt, Billy Ray Cyrus just released a single; “Bush’s Gonna Achy Breaky Saddam’s Head”

Not a total loss
The stars will skip the red carpet entrance to the Oscars. It’s not a total loss, the special services have recruited Joan Rivers to annoy a full confession out of Saddam Hussein.

You heard it here first:
There is a story circulating the Internet that computer and software technical support staff are paid by the number of calls they answer, not the problems they solve. So, once someone with a problem finally gets on the line after waiting on hold for an hour, the technicians simply hang up on them. That’s when you wish you were Spiderman. Trace the call, swing over to their office, jump through the window and give that nerd a radioactive- powered wedgy.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Swing low, sweet Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s time to commence a hunkerin’

The war against Iraq could be drawing near. They are making preparations to ready their supplies and equipment to handle the onslaught of Iraqi prisoners. And that’s just the CNN crews.

Not that anyone gives a rat's ass what I think, but . . .
Again, not to sound like these self-rightous dweebs who say; "But I respect your right to give your opinion . . ." but, I really have nothing against people who are against the war in Iraq. War sucks. Nobody wants war. What I have something against are these pious Hollywood meglomaniacs who feel they have to cash in on their ill-gotten fame to save all of us from ourselves.

If you don’t think the anti-war protests are political motivated, answer this question: Where were Martin Sheen, Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Striesand when President Bill Clinton bombed Bosnia?

And to paraphrase Dennis Miller, if you think for one second Barbra Striesand gives a damn about you, go to her Malibu compound and announce you would like to take her to lunch. You’ll end up in jail faster than you can say; “People who need people are the luckiest people.”

On the other hand
Colin Powell says that the U.S. has the support of 30 nations against Iraq. And when you consider that there are around 190 countries in the world, 30 is . . . well, it’s not good. And ten of those countries we actually give a rat’s ass about.

Hey, yooooo, Tony
The star of HBO’s “The Sopranos” has accepted a one million per episode contract. The contract stipulates that the actor receive payment in non-sequential bills in an unmarked envelope to be deposited in an unmarked olive oil can under the Brooklyn Bridge.

But of course
The NFL is considering a proposal to expand the playoffs by one more wild-card team for each conference. Basically this would mean that every team would have a shot to make the playoffs except of course for the Cincinnati Bengals and the Detroit Lions.

And they wonder why nobody is watching the NBA
Cleveland’s Ricky Davis, attempting his first career triple-double in the final seconds of the Cavs' 122-95 win over the Utah Jazz; Davis purposely missed a shot at the wrong basket and grabbed the rebound, mistakenly thinking it was his 10th board. In football this would be like Junior Seau intercepting a pass and then handing the ball to the other team so he could make one more tackle.

It is one thing to be such a sleaze bag that you would cheat like that, but to cheat in front of thousands of people and a TV audience redefines stupidity.

Hockey shockey
In what was described as a shocking move, the San Jose Sharks fired general manager Dean Lombardi. That is shocking. I had no idea San Jose had a hockey team.

In other shocking NHL news, the Tampa Bay Lightening want their county to take over their stadium so as to avoid future property tax. I had no idea Tampa Bay had a hockey team.

The Chicago Bulls activated reserve guard Rick Brunson and placed guard Fred Hoiberg on the injured list with right Achilles tendonitis. “I’ll take “Who are NBA players I’ve never heard of” for $100, Alex.”

The Bulls acquired Hoiberg last season in a trade for another player you’ve never ever heard of before.

Sunday, March 16, 2003

Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul, I wanna get back to your rock and roll and drift away Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

To all the Infidels I’ve loved before . . . .
Osama bin Laden’s niece, Waffa bin Laden’s wants to be a pop star. Her single is a cover of the Bon Jovi hit “Shot in the Heart.” It’s headed to number one with a bullet . . . and a bomb, and a rocket, plastic explosives, a hand grenade . . .

Osama bin Laden’s niece Waffa bin Laden is different than most aspiring recording artists. That white powder you see all over her studio? It’s not cocaine, it’s Anthrax.

It’s a sad, sad situation
*The NCAA tournament has not started, the Masters is weeks away, baseball hasn’t started. As a sports fan, I feel lonelier than Colin Powell at a UN Keg party.

Well, see, now everyone feels better
The Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines, who told a London audience earlier this week that she was ``ashamed'' of President Bush, now said she's sorry for her comment. For his part, President Bush apologized to Maines for referring to her as the short and stocky Dixie Chick.

What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
It turns out tennis morsel Anna Kornikova was briefly married to Detroit Red Wings star Sergei Fedorov. How briefly? Anna has lasted longer in tournaments than she did in that that marriage.

Sadly, the marriage did not last and now the only love in Anna’s life is her side of the tennis score.

Pilar of Acadamie (Yes, I know it is spelled wrong . . . )
Fresno State banned their basketball team from the NCAA tournament because of academic fraud. No offense, but cheating at Fresno State is like taking steroids to win at shuffleboard.

Tres no
*Did you know that disgraced French Olympic figure skating judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne has a book out? You don’t have to buy it, you just bribe the bookstore owner.

I think the title is “I Took Bribes and Cheated, yet I still Look Down on Americans.”

Well, it's about time
Last week, the release of New York Giant Jason Sehorn was well-covered by the press. This also marks the first time that the words well-covered and Jason Sehorn have been used together in years.

Now Sehorn can concentrate and what he should have been doing all along: Covering Angie Harmon.

Sweatin’ for the laaaaaadies
Biologists at the University of Pennsylvania found male perspiration had a surprisingly beneficial effect on women's moods; it helps reduce stress, induces relaxation and can even turn them on. But that’s only when men sweat doing the chores the women nagged them to do.