Saturday, February 15, 2003

I know you just called me Roy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Since you asked:

Not sure about you Slats and Ranchers, but I am one happy Gaucho that last week is over. Man. Last week was one for an Irish ballad. Just when you didn't think things could get more depressing, they did. (Remember Tornies and Nuggies, never, ever say; "At least it can't get worse." It can and, specifically if you say that, it will)

Looking back, I am not sure what was more depressing: The orange alert; the shots of fighter jets flying cover over our Nation's capitol; the government directive Honey-do chore to go to the hardware store and then duct tape and plastic sheet the house; the potential war with Iraq; the Osama tape; the stock market plummet, or the five days of steady rain here in San Diego.

Now, I know that - compared to the rest of the country - five days of rain doesn’t sound like much, but it is a classic case of you had to be there. San Diego and it's San Diegans simply look dorky in the rain. When it rains in San Diego, the entire city resembles a guy in a bow tie sitting on a train eating a banana. You can’t explain why, it just looks goofy. When you are standing under cover just out of the rain and you look at the expression on San Diegan's face's as they emerge from the rain, you would think the rain had been replaced with battery acid.

You know what didn’t look goofy in the fog and rain? Our nearby Torrey Pines golf course where Tiger and others were battling it out at the Buick Open. The course looked downright mystical on Thursday.

The fog shrouded the rugged valleys and cliffs replete with craggy Torrey pines. Why, you almost expected to hear Led Zeppelin’s “Cashmere” soar in the background as, suddenly, a Knight-in-white armor charged from the mist on a black stallion. (OK, so that description was a little too “Lord of the Rings” meets, “La Cage Aux Falles,” you got the idea)

And then, the next day, the sun did shone brightly and the course veritably sparkled from its rain washed soul-cleansing. Hang gliders soared, waves crashed, dolphins breached. If somebody had devised a drinking game in which you had to imbibe every time one of the USA Network golf announcers said beautiful, gorgeous or spectacular, you would have been hammered-drunk in a half-an-hour. Everyone from outside San Diego who watched that tournament would be green with envy of us who live here.

Well, trust me, as I stated in the second paragraph above, it was depressing around these parts. But it feels a lot better now. Now I am off to watch the Buick Open. I must be getting old. Not only am I going to watch golf, I am actually excited about it. Whew.

After the incident of Phil Mickelson’s put-down of Tiger Woods’ Nike clubs, the two are paired in the final group of the Buick Open at Torrey Pines. This epic showdown should have a name. How about The Battle of The Club Snub, The Nike No Likey or The Gear Smear?

The Struggle of The Technology Apology? The Apparatus Fracas? The Equipment Argument? The stick conflict? No, here it is. I got it:

The Battle of Tiger and Phil To Settle Which Club Should Hit the Pill.

(Polite Applause)

Oh my.

Since you asked 2:

Not to sound like an old guy trying to be "hip" and "with it" but how about that Best New Artist Grammy Nominee Avril Lavigne? She is ridiculously young, but, to quote Jackson Browne, that girl can sing.

She writes her songs, she sings them well - not all "ewww, look at me modulate my voice" over-the-top - and she plays guitar and she doesn't try to show us how strong - or slutty - she is. She is a real refreshing change for a country that has been virtually Britney Aguilera'd to death. Trying to think of who Avril is like from my generation of music. I guess a skateboarding Stevie Nicks is as close as I can come. Or maybe Alanis and Sheryl Crowe channeling through an 18-year-old surfer chick. Might get her album.

Friday, February 14, 2003

We ahhhhhight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More fitting
The San Diego Chargers re-did Doug Flutie’s contract from $4.5 mil a year down to $1.45 mil a year. That’s good, because otherwise they would have had to fire him, and it would have been too ironic to have to downsize Doug Flutie.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening
According to new research, teaching kids with attention deficit disorder proper social skills significantly improves their symptoms. Or something like that, I was too distracted to finish the whole article.

According to new research, teaching kids with attention deficit disorder proper social skills significantly improves their . . . wow, look at that girl’s pretty, pretty hair . . . What was I saying?

Yesterday, all my tapes were swiped away
Police recovered tapes apparently recorded by The Beatles and believed stolen from the band's studios in London more than three decades ago. The recordings are a little rough. In fact, if you listen hard, you can hear producer Phil Spector’s gun fire in the background.

Hit re-dial and re-load
Police in France have arrested four men with cell phones that shoot bullets. A cell phone that shoots bullets is perfect for Los Angeles. The two most common driving activities combined in to one step.

Sadly, in France, the four guys with cell phone guns were the closest thing they had to an army.

You go, girls
Did you seeCBS’ “Survivor”? It’s men against women. This won’t even be close; women are far craftier and way smarter especially when it comes to getting what they want. Guys spend every waking minute either thinking about women or how best to screw-over their buddies.

Did you see CBS’ “Survivor”? It’s men against women in the Amazon. Lucky for the guys it’s not men against Amazon women, that wouldn’t be fair.

Trailer-home Improvement
Homeland Security officials said everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect their house in the event of a terrorist attack. Do you know what Tonya Harding calls a duct tape and plastic sheeting? Remodeling.

Bahhhhhhd news
Some sad news. Remember Dolly the cloned sheep? They had to put her to sleep. And on Valentines day too. Dozens of lonely Scottish farmers are heartbroken.

On the bright side, the cloning scientists had a wonderful leg of lamb Valentines Day dinner.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Yo, B, and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that is scary
Have you heard of Ben Affleck’s new movie “Daredevil”? It’s from the comic book hero who is blind but his other senses have super powers. By day, he is a lawyer; at night, he is a masked vigilante stalking the dark streets, a relentless avenger. Now that is scary: a lawyer by day. Yikes.

Take that, Akmed
Homeland Security officials said everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect their house in the event of a terrorist attack. How are we going to fight terrorism with an arts and crafts project? How about if we hit them with some paper mache and pottery?

It never rains in Southern, California
The Pro Am at Buick Open in San Diego was rained out. That sound you hear? That’s everyone in the country who saw San Diego’s weather during the Super Bowl unpacking.

Let’s see your toes
USA Today says Frenchie Davis, the plus-size, neon-haired, ''American Idol'' semifinalist, has been removed from competition because she used to work for a porn website. The good news for Davis is that Sarah from “Joe Millionaire” has a job lined up for her.

Stupid is as stupid does
The big controversy is that Evan did not pick either Zora or Sarah on the last “Joe Millionaire.” So people are still arguing whether the girls will accept Evan when they find out he isn’t a millionaire. I think so. They accept him now even though he’s dumber than a bag of lawn statues.

That is one fine club
Annika Sorenstam will play against the men on the men’s PGA Tour. In fact, to get ready, Annika went into the men’s clubhouse and, well, let’s just say, unlike Phil Mickelson, she had really nice things to say about Tiger Wood’s equipment.

Now that’s just mean
Scientists using a NASA probe have determined that the universe will expand forever. Just like Rosie O’Donnell.

The tabloids claim Rosie O’Donnell is over 300 pounds. Or as Anna Nicole Smith calls her, svelte.

Ohhhhhh Yoko
Osama bin Laden made another audio tape. This tape is even more depressing than anything Yoko Ono produced.

In the tape, Osama called Saddam Hussein “an infidel.” Wouldn’t it be fun if these two wonderful guys started to go at each other?

Boy who do you pull for if Saddam and Osama went at each other? It’s like having to choose between the Madonna movie “Swept Away” or Mariah Carey’s “Glitter.”

Boy who do you pull for in this one? It’s like choosing sides between an I.R.S. agent and a personal injury attorney.

Yo, B . . . as in bullet
Have you heard about the latest Rapper, 50 Cent? He has been shot many times, he has been stabbed, done time and sold crack. Or as other Rappers call him: a goody-goody.

Have you heard about the latest Rapper, 50 Cent? He has been shot many times, he been stabbed, done time and sold crack. Or, as other rappers call him, an over-achiever.

Have you heard about the latest Rapper, 50 Cent? He has been shot many times, he has been stabbed, done time and sold crack. Now all he needs is his bitch-slapping merit badge and he can be an Eagle Scout Rapper.

Take me out to the ball bark
The San Diego City council unanimously approved the new downtown ballpark's name of Petco Park. “Buy me some peanuts and Scoobie snacks.”

“Chocolat” would get the lifetime achievement
One of the best movie Oscar nominees is the musical “Chicago.” It is also nominated in the smaller category of “Gayest movie of the year.”

Don't you know who I am?
In an interview, Jennifer Lopez said that fame can “beat you down.” I would have given the interviewer a thousand bucks if he then asked J. Lo; “And who are you again?”

Oops, Evan did it again
In Saudi Arabia, fourteen pilgrims were trampled to death during a ritual of the annual Muslim pilgrimage. There was an angry stampede after they found out that Evan didn’t pick either Sarah or Zora on “Joe Millionaire.”

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Tote that bale, crack that whip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New meaning to "tag the runner"
The San Diego City council unanimously approved the downtown ballpark's name of Petco Park. The field will be ready for baseball in 2004. Which is 2011 in Petco years.

To paraphrase the late great Cubs announcer Harry Carey; There’s nothing like fun at the ol’ ball bark.

Get over yourselves, movies
The best movie Oscar nominees are “Chicago” 'The Hours','Gangs of New York','The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers' and the 'The Pianist'. I’ll take “Movies no straight guy would ever see” for one hundred, Alex.

Attention Jesse Jackson
Former Seattle Seahawks coach Dennis Erickson has been named to coach the San Francisco Forty Niners. Erickson hasn’t been in the NFL for five years, just like the Cincinnati Bengals.

Pout, baby
It’s the big fashion week in New York City. You know what that means? The cab drivers are wearing their formal turbans. New Yorkers are being asked that, if they see a super model, please, do not feed it.

Dude, that sucks
It’s raining so hard in Los Angeles the Dell dude can’t keep his joint lit.

The actor who gained fame as the slacker ``Steven'' in commercials for Dell computers was arrested buying marijuana. He is going to work off his sentence by doing a public service announcement to Saddam Hussein:

“Dude, you’re getting a shell.”

Hee hee, ewwwww, part two
Now Michael Jackson wants to give a rebuttal about the “20/20” documentary on “Sixty Minutes”. I don’t know if “60 Minutes” is the best place for Michael to talk about himself. “Fear Factor” would be more appropriate.

Michael Jackson on “Sixty Minutes.” Aren’t you just dying to hear what Andy Rooney thinks of Michael Jackson?

Andy Rooney thinks Al Gore is too whacky, what is he going to make of Michael Jackson?

Harrr me matey
Have you seen this Muslim cleric on T.V, the guys name is Abu Hamas? The guy’s got one eye and two hooks for hands. He lost his eye because a bird messed in it. It wasn’t the bird mess that blinded him, it was his first day wearing the hooks.

No hands and one eye? Who was this guy, the Black Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”? The Black Knight had all his limbs chopped off and yelled; “Come back and fight, it’s only a flesh wound.”

Is Cleric a Muslim word for pirate?

Now we know
For a long time I was undecided about what we should do with Iraq. But now that I know the French, Barbra Striesand and Madonna are against a war, I am pretty sure we need to go in there right away.

Reuters reports that Madonna will use an upcoming video performance to speak out against a possible war against Iraq. Well that settles it. If military experts like France and Madonna are against a war with Iraq, it has to be wrong.

If Madonna really wants to stop a war against Iraq, she should threaten Saddam Hussein with a viewing of her movie “Swept Away.” Iraq will surrender unconditionally.

Phil Mickelson said that Tiger Woods is annoyed that Phil can out-drive him because Tiger has “inferior” Nike golf clubs. Sorry Phil, but Tiger could beat you using Fred Flintsone’s knobby wooden and rock golf clubs.

Dude two
The actor who gained fame as the slacker ``Steven'' in commercials for Dell computers was arrested buying marijuana: You can’t blame him, the guy is so annoying even he has to be stoned to stand himself.

“Dude, you’re gonna be somebody’s bitch.”

Since you asked:

My word, today was depressing. OK, I know that we Californians are weather whimps, I admit it. When I went to college in Santa Barbara from Chicago, I laughed at the California-bred students when it rained; they acted as if we were in nuclear winter: Ski parkas, warm hats, boots.

In Chicago, rain means it’s a nice day. When it rains, it's too warm to blizzard. Well, today I have come full circle. It rained hard in San Diego today and I was dressed warmer than someone ascending Mount Everest.

But, the fact is, when you aren’t used to rain, when it rains, it seems really depressing. And on top of that, my investments are being trashed while still barely alive. My Labrador puppy, Wrigley, has hip dysplasia. The economy sucks. We are on Orange terror alert, whatever the hell that means . . .

The FBI says the al-Qiada (notice how we take care to write al-Qaida correctly, with the little a and all? After all, we wouldn't want to offend them) is still going strong. Osama bin Laden made another audio tape that is more upsetting than any tape Yoko Ono ever produced. We are on the verge of war with Iraq.

And if all that wasn’t enough, now Madonna has joined the legion of obstreperous (thank you Bryan) movie stars who are trumpeting their ignorance by publically denouncing the potential war with Iraq.

So, to cheer myself up, I see an article in the newspaper that features a picture of a little puppy licking an older guy’s face. Wrong again. The article was about how the humane society had to take the puppy away from the old guy because the dog is blind and deaf and the old guy hadn't prepared his house well enough to care of the blind and deaf puppy, so they carted the little blind and deaf puppy away. Cut to: a howlingly sad puppy and a sobbing old guy. What was the puppy's name? Who cares, it can't come when you call it anyway. (Sorry, old bad joke)

That’s it. I quit for today. Which way to the bar?

Monday, February 10, 2003

May we live in interesting times, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Choquer lebleu
This just in: Not only does France not approve of our attacking Iraq? Today, the French took it one step further and surrendered to Iraq.

With Iraq’s permission, today the US resumed U2 intelligence flights over Iraq. And guess what? There isn’t any intelligence in Iraq.

The actor who gained fame as the slacker ``Steven'' in commercials for Dell computers was arrested buying a small bag of marijuana: “Dude, you’re getting a cell.”

A kid that smart and clear-minded buying pot? It’s hard to believe.

Not exactly a shock. I think Dell used to pay the kid with pot.

Is pink one of the colors?
Valentines day is coming so romance is in the air. You know what that means, kids: time to increase the level of Michael Jackson alert from yellow to orange.

A British magazine has pictures of a secret bedroom behind Michael Jackson’s bedroom. What could Jackson possibly be doing that is so embarrassing even he needs more privacy?

You say non, we say oui
France still doesn’t approve of the U.S. force against Iraq; what more proof do we need that we are on the right military track than if France disapproves? France is a military reverse barometer.

We use France for military strategy the way my wife consults me when shopping for clothes. If I approve of something, she automatically knows it’s no good.

Three days too long
I saw “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” this weekend. I don’t want to say it was a chick flick, but Olympia Dukakis would have been looking at her watch on this one.

Those dentists are thorough
A Texas dentist, who ran over her cheating husband with her Mercedes twice, testified it was an accident. Sorry. You drive over an innocent pedestrian once, you may just be a real lousy driver. You drive over a cheating husband twice, you’re a really good driver who just killed her husband.

Can you imagine being a patient of this dentist? “Floss or else. I have a Mercedes and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Yeah, we’ll get on that . . .
The Pentagon said today there’s been a sudden rise in suicides by al-Qaeda prisoners in Guantanmo Bay. It’s getting so bad, they are thinking of shortening the prisoner’s suicide bombing practices.

We don’t ask much from these prisoners, we just ask; “Don’t kill yourself or anybody else.” And they can’t even do that.

Serena Williams won the Gaz de France championship. In other equally shocking sports news, the Westminster dog show featured canines.

No wonder
Watching the celebrities struggle during the Pebble Beach Pro Am, I finally figured out my problem when I play golf. Every hole is a repeat of my three least favorite things: apprehension followed by embarrassment ending with a long math problem.