Friday, January 31, 2003

Flying high now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sylvester Stallone has signed to make “Rocky VI” What’s this one called, “The Scuffle at the Shuffle Board”?

Watch as Rocky gets in a tussle while applying for his AARP card.

One advantage Rocky will have is that, like all old guys, his trunks will be hitched up so high, it will be hard to find a place to hit him above the belt.

Remember how, in the original “Rocky,” Rocky trained by pounding a side of beef? In “Rocky VI” he just sort of pokes at the flank steak at the early bird special.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Keeping it real compared to what, Torn Slatterns and Nugger Ranchers

The devil’s IRS agent
Telemarketers went to court to stop the U.S. government from setting up a proposed ''do not call'' list that would block unwanted sales calls. Now that is some job description: a lawyer for telemarketers. That’s like being Saddam Hussein’s public relations director.

Press one if you are rude, press two if you are annoying
Cell phones are coming out with phones that bark like dogs and meow like cats. And if those aren’t nerve-grating enough, they will make ones that screech like owls and squeal like pigs.

Instead, why don’t they just get a recording of the cell phone owners voice shouting; “I am a rude bastard.”

For cell phone users who talk while they drive, the phone rings with a recording of someone screaming; “Watch out for that car, you idiot.”

Masochist: Beat me, beat me. Sadist: No.
It turns out one of the contestants on “Joe Millionaire” busty Sarah Kozer, starred in S&M and bondage videos. That might come in handy. For safety reasons, Evan might want to tie up the girl when he finally tells her he is broke.

I saw the pictures on “Smoking Gun” online. She’s tied up with duct tape covering her mouth. Why would anyone find a woman more attractive with her mouth taped shut? On second thought, they might have something there . . .

Your move, dork
World chess champion Garry Kasparov played a supercomputer to a draw in the second game of their Man vs. Machine showdown. Man can’t beat machines, so why try? Until a computer can get fat, go bald, grow a ponytail and honestly think it looks good, man doesn’t stand a chance.

Fly the portly skies
The FAA is now ordering 24 airlines that operate small planes to start weighing passengers on some of their flights. They think the weight has caused plane crashes. Overweight travelers thought it was embarrassing to buy two seats, how about will they feel when the pilot says; “We can’t take off with your huge butt, go take a bus, lard-ass.”

Now that’s a sport
The Super Bowl is over, the NBA basketball playoffs are far off, March Madness is a long way off and baseball is months away. There are only four words keeping sports fans going: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

She will be rich in no time
According to tabloid reports, Bill Clinton is seeing a sex therapist. Instead of charging Clinton by the hour, the sex therapist charges Clinton a dollar per confessed bimbo.

Like, oh goodie
Cell phones feature e-mails, two way, walkie talkies, and voice memos. OK, whoever makes cell phones, stop. We officially have enough ways to talk to each other; it’s time we work on actually having something to say.

So we can, like, communicate or whatever
Now with cell phones with e-mails walkie talkies and voice memos, thankfully teenagers now have a myriad of ways to say; “Dude, like, what are you doing?” “Nothing, Dude, like, what are you doing.” “Like totally nothing.” “Like, me too.” “Really?” “Totally.” “Cool.”

Since you asked:

Slats and Nuggies, what do you think is the scariest single thing on the planet? Earth quakes? Please. Rattle snakes? Nope. Charging lions, perhaps? Not even close. Terrorists? Close, but not there yet. Rabid Pitt Bulls? No, the scariest thing on the planet is a group of young teenage girls.

Yesterday, while in line at Jamba Juice bar, I was a captive listener to a bunch of, oh, probably freshman-aged girls from the local Torrey Pines High School. Oh my god. To quote John Malkovich from "Being John Malkovich" I have seen a hell NO man should see.

These four girls, using only the words Dude, Like, I'm all, and Totally, somehow proceeded to verbally eviscerate everyone who wasn’t with them at that very second. Once separated, I'm sure these girls were probably sweet, smart and polite. But when herded together, the pack mentality of teenage girls transforms them into a unit of mean, sarcastic, bitchy, cruel, mouth-breathing, gum- smacking, thong-wearing, split-end checking buffoons.

And just think, I have an eventual teenage girl growing in my own house. Oh, the humanity.

Nuggies and Slats, get down on your knees and thank God for sons and Y chromosomes. The only good news is that, at age 44, I was completely and totally invisible to this pack, so I could look at them with utter horror and they couldn't sense my fear and, as a result, attack.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Talk to the hand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Recycle bin talking
World chess champion Garry Kasparov played his supercomputer opponent, Deep Junior, to a draw in the second game of their Man vs. Machine showdown. And if you don’t think going against a computer is serious, look at Pete Townsend, his computer could send him to jail.

It was lucky the match came off at all; the computer was out all night in Tijuana the night before.

Heads he’s out, tails he’s out
The Detroit Lions fired their coach Marty Mornhinwig. Actually, they flipped a coin on whether to give him a big raise or fire him. Marty won the big raise, but he chose to be fired instead.

As the worm turns
An Internet "worm” attacked global Internet services. Remember the good old days ten years ago when the only Internet worms were the dorks who were actually on the Internet?

The S.I. swimsuit issue is when?
Sports fans, the Super Bowl is over, the NBA basketball playoffs are far off, March Madness is a long way off and baseball is months away. How bad is it? Some guys are so desperate they are asking their wives what they want to do this weekend.

Raider Deflation
Rumor has it the Oakland Raiders are tens of million over the salary cap, their players are old, and they were humiliated in the Super Bowl and now a pro bowl player is in the hospital on suicide watch. In short, compared to Raider Nation, the nation of Iraq is in pretty good shape.

The story around the NFL is that Oakland Raider owner Al Davis basically sold his soul to win the Super Bowl this year, and now they are in trouble. Davis sold his soul? Wouldn’t he have to have a soul before he could sell one?

The Oakland Raiders are many million over the salary cap, their players are old, they were crushed in the Super Bowl and their pro bowl center, Barrit Robbins, is in the hospital on suicide watch. In short, the slope the Raiders are headed down is more slippery than Al Davis’comb.

Is there anything movie stars don’t know?
Desert Storm leader General Schwarzkopf says he needs more information before he can formulate an opinion on what to do with Iraq. All a military expert like Schwarzkopf needs to do is talk to Barbra Striesand and Susan Sarandon and any other movie star, they seem to know everything.

Susan Sarandon said she's weary of being labeled ``anti-American'' because she has questioned the Bush administration's policy toward Iraq. She’s weary? We have to listen to her.

The big question is are we going to attack Iraq? You know the good thing about bombing Iraq back to the stone age? They’re so backward, it will only take about three hand grenades to get them back to the stone age.

State of the Onion, uh, I mean Union . . .
Did you hear President Bush’s State of the Union address? It drives English teachers crazy the way Bush pronounces Nuclear: Nuke-Uh-Ler. Give him a break, five years ago he pronounced it; “That big ol’ bomb thingy.”

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

Steal Away, Little Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, steal away

Take a little off at the dignity
Have you seen “The Today Show” recently? What is going on with Matt Lauer’s hair? Matt’s been having a bad hair year. Does his barber use a cheese grater?

What else would they do?
After the Super Bowl game was over in San Diego, in Oakland there was rioting, fighting, looting and destruction. Or, as they call that in Oakland: Sunday night. Rioters in Oakland burned cars and looted stores. When asked why they were so angry about the Super Bowl loss, the rioters replied; “We lost the Super Bowl?”

And the loser is . . .
It was a big mystery why Pro Bowl Oakland Raiders center Barret Robbins was absent from the game. We know now what happened: it turns out “The Bachelorette” Trista voted him out.

Cheer up, or take off the stupid outfit
Is there anything sadder than a guy with silver and black painted face, spiked shoulder pads and spiked dog collar, walking out of a stadium all depressed? The only thing more humiliating would to be a losing contestant in the Anna Nicole Smith look-alike contest. Or the winner of the Richard Simmons look-alike contest.

Thanks for coming, now stay away
Many people in San Diego are worried that San Diego looked too good on Super Bowl Sunday, beautiful, clear, 80 degrees, and, as a result, too many people will move here making it even more crowded. In fairness, San Diego isn’t always like it was Sunday. Sometimes it gets all the way down to 65 degrees.

Bubble Boy
To frozen Midwesterners and Easterners who are thinking about moving to San Diego after watching the Super Bowl, proceed at your own risk. As a native Chicagoan, I never once complained about Chicago’s often incredibly tough weather. Now, after 15 years in San Diego, I am an official weather wimp. I cannot leave San Diego for fear of confronting real weather. I’m like the boy in the bubble. 68 degrees? Too cold. 80 degrees? Too hot. There are orchids that can take more weather than I can. In fairness to the people in crowded San Diego who are worried that the Super Bowl coverage made San Diego look too good and too many people will move out here, ABC will show coverage of our huge traffic jams, long lines at Starbucks and a copy of an average property tax.

Sounds of silence
Now that the Super Bowl is over, you can almost hear the eerie silence in San Diego; that eerie silence is primarily due to the fact that Keyshawn Johnson and Warren Sapp are no longer talking here.

Badges? We don’ need no stinkin’ badges.
There is a sense of relief in San Diego now that the Raider fans are gone. It’s like being the Sheriff of a little desert* town who watches the Hells Angles roar in, but it turns out only to get gas and buy beer, and then they roar off.

But, but he loves me . . .
There is a feeling of some sadness in San Diego now that the Super Bowl has left town. The whole city sort of feels like the proverbial poor girl who fell in love with the rock star, only to wake up and find him gone and one hundred bucks and his latest CD on the night stand.

Adios the dishes
It was fun, Super Bowl people. Don’t bother with the dishes, we’ll get ‘em. (Yawn) Oh, hey, is that the time? Gotta get up early, but thanks for stopping. Oh, and don’t forget to sign the credit card receipt. Yeah, buh-bye.