Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Are you feelin' me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

No beef against Kobe
Kobe Bryant made a record 12 shots from 3-point range, including nine straight, as the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Seattle SuperSonics 119-98. In fact, Kobe put up more shots than Diana Ross’ personal bartender.

How drunk was she?
More is coming out about Diana Ross extreme DUI. It turns out she was so drunk she apologized for Trent Lott.

And it would smell better
New York fans are furious about the NFL refs blowing the call that could have won the game for the Giants against the San Francisco Forty Niners. It’s so bad, the NFL is now looking to relocate their Manhattan headquarters to a friendlier location: Baghdad.

It's a dubious thing
Martha Stewart led the voting by 1.4 million visitors to a web site's list of Most Annoying people of 2002. Al Gore is demanding a recount.

A bad rap
New York police are investigating a connection between hip-hop label Murder Inc. and a drug gang. I hope that isn’t true, that would be terrible for the reputation of the drug gang.

The noun is . . . anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
A key Iraqi official said the United States and Britain were bent on war with Baghdad to subjugate the Middle East. Now why would President Bush want to subjugate the Middle East? Back in English class, he couldn’t subjugate a verb.

Since you asked:
Here are my thoughts on that awesome Giant/ Niners game last Sunday:

Occasionally – not often enough, especially recently – but occasionally an NFL game results in magic. That happened in San Francisco last week when the Forty Niners came back from 24 points behind to beat the New York Giants.

The sky had that distinctive bright San Francisco golden hue. You could almost smell the salt air, the sourdough bread, the steaming crabs, the Irish Coffees at the Buena Vista and burning cable car brake pads.

Both teams played hard and well – OK, except for that poor Giant long-snapper. (By the way, I think the special at Fisherman’s Wharf was the long snapper) The only truly bone-headed moves came from Niner receiver Terrill Owens and Giant safety Shaun Williams. Terrill claimed that Williams was “running his mouth all game.” All game? Terrill has been running his mouth his entire life. Anyway, near the end, Owens hit Williams out of bounds and they went at it so hard, I think they ripped each other’s “What Would Jesus Do?” wristbands off each other.

Sure, the game ended on a bad penalty, but so what? (I will give Giants fans a chance to take their blood pressure medicine) It was a masterpiece and masterpieces are supposed to include flaws so as not to commit hubris and upset the Gods. Any game that can rise above the NFL’s endless commercial time-outs, regular time-outs, time outs to move the chains, time-outs to think about a time-out, and the time-outs to review plays, well, that is some game.

That was some game.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Whomp, there it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Time for a smart cocktail!

Don't bite its head off
Included in the Grammy gift bags will be a talking Ozzie Osbourne doll. It is very lifelike except that, well, the doll can talk. Obscenity bleeper sold separately.

It's an annoying thing
Martha Stewart led the voting by 1.4 million visitors to top the site's list of Most Annoying people of 2002. That’s quite an honor with Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Anna Nicole Smith still around.

I'm sorry, did you announce something?
Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle said he is not going to run for president. Somehow we’ll all have to get over our crushing disappointment and somehow carry on.

She put the ram in Grammy
Christine Aguilera was not nominated for a Grammy. The Grammys have a lot of categories, but Best Song by a Nasty Skank apparently isn’t one of them.

Monday, January 06, 2003

Let's get on up out dis here beeatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How windy was it?
It was windy today. It was so windy it blew Diana Ross straight across a sobriety line.

Supremely Drunk
Diana Ross has received a temporary restraining order that prevents the Tucson Police Department from releasing to the public a videotape made during her DUI arrest. How drunk was she? The producers of “Cops” were too embarrassed to show it. Supposedly Ross is fall-down drunk in the video. She was so messed-up Nick Nolte is making jokes about her. They were going to air the Ross video on “Cops” but Ross was wearing a top, so, legally, they couldn’t. How do people get so drunk they can’t stand up? Don’t they have to stand up to go make a drink? It’s like those guys who are so fat they have to tear the bedroom wall down to get them out of their house. How do they get that fat if they can’t get into the kitchen?

More Snore than Gore
Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle said he's strongly considering a run for president in 2004. Oh great. This guy is so boring he makes Al Gore look like Ozzie Osbourne. Tom Daschle is so boring his secret service nickname is Tom Daschle.

But was it a tight end?
The San Francisco Forty Niners came from 24 points behind to beat the New York Giants 39-38. And if there is one city that knows about coming from behind, it’s San Francisco. The Niners are really generating popularity in San Francisco. Now even guys go to the game who aren't just interested in that tight end person. (Man, it's hard to write with a lisp)

I hate all those fans. Oh, hi there.
Shania Twain is on the cover of “People” magazine where she says she doesn’t like the limelight. And what better place to say you don’t like the limelight than the cover of “People”? That’s like announcing you have an eating disorder in “Gourmet Magazine.”

Look for the sequel, "Joe Beat-Up-By-Twenty-Chicks"
“Joe Millionaire” airs on Fox tonight. Twenty hot-babe try to get a handsome millionaire to marry them. The problem? The guy is really broke. Tune in and watch a guy go from a ten to a five in world record time. I sure hope they have a copy of this Joe Millionaire guy’s dental records, because that’s what they will need to identify him once these gold diggers find out he’s broke. Didn’t we learn anything from “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” The millionaire, Rick Rockwell, also turned out to be broke, and we couldn’t get rid of that annoying bimbo Darva Conger for over a year.

Walk it off, ya whimp
The Pittsburgh Steelers were led by quarterback Tommy Maddox in a 17 point comeback to beat the Cleveland Browns 36-33. Maddox is the guy who, earlier this year, was temporarily paralyzed by a spinal cord bruise. The guy’s legs wouldn’t move. Just like the everyone on the Cincinnati Bengals. Can you imagine? The guy was paralyzed and now he is playing. I once stayed home from work because of a bad case of the hiccups. In high school, I tried to get out of gym because my foot fell asleep.

Don King Dead End
A plan to name a street in Atlantic City, N.J., after boxing promoter Don King is in for a fight; critics say there are more deserving people. Who is more deserving than Don King? How about everybody on the planet except O.J. Simpson, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Maybe it is appropriate to name a street after Don King. Nobody has driven over more people to get to where he is going than that guy.