It’s a Torn Slattern and Nugget Rancher thang

Not so distant cousin?
Former WNBA player Latasha Byears, who helped the Los Angeles Sparks to two league championships, is under investigation for allegedly sexually assaulting a former teammate. And here I didn’t know she was related to Kobe Bryant.

It could be
Conservatives are nervous about Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger’s liberal views: He’s pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-gay rights and he’s admitted to extramarital affairs. How do we know Arnold isn’t really Bill Clinton with a lot of Hollywood make-up and special effects?

Minus the mullet
I don’t want to imply that the Los Angeles Dodgers offense is bad, but as of now, Billy Ray Cyrus has more hits than the Achy Breaky Dodgers.

Come on, people
Am I the only one scared by Mike Tyson’s bankruptcy? Folks, do the math: Mike Tyson bankrupt equals Mike Tyson is broke; Mike Tyson broke equals Mike Tyson cannot pay for his prescriptions; Mike Tyson off his meds equals bloody carnage. Let’s wake up and smell the Zoloft. As of now I am starting a fundraiser. Call and donate: 1-800 Mike Med.

Shockey Jockey
New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey vividly described his sexual fantasies in Maxim magazine including wanting a “three way” with three women. Uh, Jeremy, you and three women would be a four way. Good thing somebody besides Shockey keeps score of Giant games.

Good thing
After a training camp holdout, Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Byron Leftwich was taped to the goalpost. Then his teammates covered him in the white powder used to line fields. Then they applied the sticky orange medicinal cream used by the training staff. But they drew the line at storing his head in a separate container.

Ted Williams' head and body are being stored in separate containers at an Arizona cryonics lab according to a story in Sports Illustrated. If true, this has to be the worst treatment of a body since; “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

This one is bad
The budget crisis has hurt Caltrans, including Amtrak California. When informed about the California train problem, Gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman asked; “What ‘choo ‘choo talkin’ bout, Willis?”


Since you asked;
Not wanting to sound like some Shirley McClain California avocado-head dirt-eating whacko, but I am pretty sure we all have had past lives. Specifically, I am sure my Yellow Labrador Wrigley has had a past life. Even more specifically, I am fairly certain that in one of his past lives Wrigley was the head of the Nazi Sleep Deprivation Torture Center.

Wrigley is unparalleled in his ability to torture by sleep deprivation. Each morning he wakes, like some fuzzy alarm clock from hell, in his crate at the slightest crack of dawn. As if his licking, grunting and rustling around were not enough to wake me up, he starts this insidiously piercing high whine to be let out and fed. This whine should be studied by every alarm clock manufacturer in the country, because it is a noise that is impossible to sleep through.

It is a good thing Wrigley has a black button nose and a sweet, slightly confused adorable hound-doggy face, or there would be many mornings when I could kill him. After I feed him and let him out, I try to go back to sleep. Wrigley laughs at this feeble attempt at sleep. Wrigley will emit a loud, single bark at exactly every five minutes. Five minutes is the time it takes you to yell for the damn dog to shut up, and then settle back down and just begin to drift off. Every five minutes, one single loud bark from about Six AM to about Eight AM.

You know, if I put his pelt on the wall, it could pass as a cougar. Hmm.