Tote that bale, crack that whip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New meaning to "tag the runner"
The San Diego City council unanimously approved the downtown ballpark's name of Petco Park. The field will be ready for baseball in 2004. Which is 2011 in Petco years.

To paraphrase the late great Cubs announcer Harry Carey; There’s nothing like fun at the ol’ ball bark.

Get over yourselves, movies
The best movie Oscar nominees are “Chicago” 'The Hours','Gangs of New York','The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers' and the 'The Pianist'. I’ll take “Movies no straight guy would ever see” for one hundred, Alex.

Attention Jesse Jackson
Former Seattle Seahawks coach Dennis Erickson has been named to coach the San Francisco Forty Niners. Erickson hasn’t been in the NFL for five years, just like the Cincinnati Bengals.

Pout, baby
It’s the big fashion week in New York City. You know what that means? The cab drivers are wearing their formal turbans. New Yorkers are being asked that, if they see a super model, please, do not feed it.

Dude, that sucks
It’s raining so hard in Los Angeles the Dell dude can’t keep his joint lit.

The actor who gained fame as the slacker ``Steven'' in commercials for Dell computers was arrested buying marijuana. He is going to work off his sentence by doing a public service announcement to Saddam Hussein:

“Dude, you’re getting a shell.”

Hee hee, ewwwww, part two
Now Michael Jackson wants to give a rebuttal about the “20/20” documentary on “Sixty Minutes”. I don’t know if “60 Minutes” is the best place for Michael to talk about himself. “Fear Factor” would be more appropriate.

Michael Jackson on “Sixty Minutes.” Aren’t you just dying to hear what Andy Rooney thinks of Michael Jackson?

Andy Rooney thinks Al Gore is too whacky, what is he going to make of Michael Jackson?

Harrr me matey
Have you seen this Muslim cleric on T.V, the guys name is Abu Hamas? The guy’s got one eye and two hooks for hands. He lost his eye because a bird messed in it. It wasn’t the bird mess that blinded him, it was his first day wearing the hooks.

No hands and one eye? Who was this guy, the Black Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”? The Black Knight had all his limbs chopped off and yelled; “Come back and fight, it’s only a flesh wound.”

Is Cleric a Muslim word for pirate?

Now we know
For a long time I was undecided about what we should do with Iraq. But now that I know the French, Barbra Striesand and Madonna are against a war, I am pretty sure we need to go in there right away.

Reuters reports that Madonna will use an upcoming video performance to speak out against a possible war against Iraq. Well that settles it. If military experts like France and Madonna are against a war with Iraq, it has to be wrong.

If Madonna really wants to stop a war against Iraq, she should threaten Saddam Hussein with a viewing of her movie “Swept Away.” Iraq will surrender unconditionally.

Fore
Phil Mickelson said that Tiger Woods is annoyed that Phil can out-drive him because Tiger has “inferior” Nike golf clubs. Sorry Phil, but Tiger could beat you using Fred Flintsone’s knobby wooden and rock golf clubs.

Dude two
The actor who gained fame as the slacker ``Steven'' in commercials for Dell computers was arrested buying marijuana: You can’t blame him, the guy is so annoying even he has to be stoned to stand himself.

“Dude, you’re gonna be somebody’s bitch.”


Since you asked:

My word, today was depressing. OK, I know that we Californians are weather whimps, I admit it. When I went to college in Santa Barbara from Chicago, I laughed at the California-bred students when it rained; they acted as if we were in nuclear winter: Ski parkas, warm hats, boots.

In Chicago, rain means it’s a nice day. When it rains, it's too warm to blizzard. Well, today I have come full circle. It rained hard in San Diego today and I was dressed warmer than someone ascending Mount Everest.

But, the fact is, when you aren’t used to rain, when it rains, it seems really depressing. And on top of that, my investments are being trashed while still barely alive. My Labrador puppy, Wrigley, has hip dysplasia. The economy sucks. We are on Orange terror alert, whatever the hell that means . . .

The FBI says the al-Qiada (notice how we take care to write al-Qaida correctly, with the little a and all? After all, we wouldn't want to offend them) is still going strong. Osama bin Laden made another audio tape that is more upsetting than any tape Yoko Ono ever produced. We are on the verge of war with Iraq.

And if all that wasn’t enough, now Madonna has joined the legion of obstreperous (thank you Bryan) movie stars who are trumpeting their ignorance by publically denouncing the potential war with Iraq.

So, to cheer myself up, I see an article in the newspaper that features a picture of a little puppy licking an older guy’s face. Wrong again. The article was about how the humane society had to take the puppy away from the old guy because the dog is blind and deaf and the old guy hadn't prepared his house well enough to care of the blind and deaf puppy, so they carted the little blind and deaf puppy away. Cut to: a howlingly sad puppy and a sobbing old guy. What was the puppy's name? Who cares, it can't come when you call it anyway. (Sorry, old bad joke)

That’s it. I quit for today. Which way to the bar?