Saturday, December 07, 2002

Well slap me silly and call me Gertie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No sooner than I post my rant on how bad they are, trailing by 27 at the start of the fourth quarter, the Los Angeles Lakers pulled off the second-biggest fourth-quarter comeback in NBA history to stun the Dallas Mavericks 105-103 on Friday night. That’s greatest comeback since Bob Dole started taking Viagra.

Tampa Bay receiver Keyshawn Johnson returned to practice after being excused to handle his divorce. Remember Keyshawn’s book “Just Give Me the Damn Ball?” Look for Johnson’s latest book; “Just Sign the Damn Prenupt.”

Speaking of sports rants, you want a rant? You can't handle the rant. Here it is:
My vast independent sports-writing journalistic integrity aside, I hate the Oakland Raiders. Not as in fun to hate, like U.S.C, or Kathy Lee Gifford, or boy bands. No, the real, deep-down, bile-tasting, fevered loathing as you had for that moronic, dirty, ugly, neighborhood bully or the officious, dried-up and cruelly strict substitute teacher.

For me, the Oakland Raiders are to football what the Mullet is to hairstyles, what call-waiting is to communication and avocado-green leisure suits are to fashion. And that’s without including the ultimate lowlife in sports, besides Don King, their old, mean, greasy and tacky owner, Al Davis.

But, as a friend of mine likes to remind me, my opinion and a nickel will buy you a steaming cup of who-gives-a-rat’s-ass?

Friday, December 06, 2002

All of this and a cornbread biscuit, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Don't you just love the word biscuit? I do. Biscuit. See?

Winona Ryder has been sentenced to probation and to 480 hours of community service. That’s good, because if Winona tries to steal that orange jump suit they give roadside trash collectors, then even she will know she has a problem. Actually, Winona Ryder was sentenced to work with the sick, the blind and babies with AIDS. And if she ever steals again, she will really be severely punished and she’ll have to work with lawyers in the D.A.’s office.

The Los Angeles Lakers are in last place behind the lowly L.A. Clippers. The Lakers are playing so bad, Shaquille O’Neal’s movie “Shazam” is starting to look good by comparison. How bad are the Lakers? They have actually started spying on the Clippers practices. To help boost attendance, they are introducing Lakers forward Rick Fox as Mr. Venessa Williams. The Lakers are playing so bad that Venessa Williams has decided to dump husband Rick Fox in favor of her Radio Shack commercial co-star Ving Rhames.
Rumor has it the reason the Lakers are doing so badly is lack of confidence in their coach. The players have actually started reading all the books Phil Jackson has given them and they now realize Jackson ain’t nearly as smart as he says he is. Remember the Lakers’ “Miles of Smiles Tour” after their championship last year? This post season it will be “The Trail of Tears tour.”

A software company whose clients reportedly include the FBI was raided by Customs agents as part of a terrorist investigation. Their first clue? The company’s e-mail address is Die

In a fax to Al-Jazeera, Al-Quida has promised the U.S. a gift of terror in the holiday. Head of Homeland Security head Tom Ridge suggests everyone be on high alert for a Santa Claus wearing a turban whose sled is being pulled by camels instead of reindeer. A gift of terror in the holiday? Gosh, that’s awful considerate, Al-Quida, but don’t go to any trouble. It’s the thought that counts. Seriously, that’s OK, guys. A nice Holiday Terror Card will be more than enough. These Al-Quida guys are becoming more annoying than the Howie Long-Teri Hatcher Radio Shack commercials.

Tonya Harding has announced she is entering the ring as a pro boxer. The big question now is what temporary advertising tattoo Harding will wear in the ring: Copenhagen chewing tobacco, Farmers Fresh Pork Rinds or Lucky Beer?

Seven Eleven is going to start serving sushi. In addition, they will now feature a special Seven Eleven Salmonella Poison Antidote Kit available at the counter next to the beef jerky.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Deck the halls with Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, falla lalla la, la la la la.

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Whitney Houston admitted to using drugs. In equally surprising news, Bill Clinton admits he likes the ladies.

A winter snow storm hit the East. New York City got more inches than Clinton’s intern. (I am sorry, but I am under contractual obligation under the Comedy Writer's Guild code of conduct to do a Clinton intern joke in connection with New York city getting inches of snow in their first snow storm)

The big San Diego Chargers Oakland Raider game is this Sunday in San Diego. Oakland Raider fans claim that they aren’t any more rowdy or violent than mellow San Diego Chargers fans. Yeah right, and guys love to stay awake to cuddle after sex. There are always a lot of opponents fans at Chargers games. The last time the Green Bay Packers came to San Diego, the crowd was greener than a Disney Cruise ship passenger.

The Los Angeles Lakers are in last place a half game behind the lowly L.A. Clippers. Do you know who is leading the Lakers in steals? Winona Ryder.Or as the Sacramento Kings are calling the Lakers dismal record: the best Christmas present ever.

Tonya Harding has announced she is entering the ring as a pro women boxer. Do you know who I’d like to see her fight? Michael Jackson. It’d be billed “The Trollop with a Whollop vs. The Freak without a Beak.”

"Playboy” magazine announced they’re laying off 8% of their work-force. I’m not surprised, Hugh Hefner is getting old and “Playboy” is behind the times. Take their last pictorial, for example: "Girls of the Colorado Indian Territory." Let’s face it, Hugh Hefner is getting up there. The first time he published naked women it was because they hadn’t invented clothes yet.(Shecky Green, is that you? I'm coming to the red light.)

Seven Eleven is going to start serving sushi. Oh, doesn't that sound good? This month they call it sushi, next month they will sell it as Fish Jerky.

“Uh, I’d like some of that homemade beef jerky, please.”

“That’s not beef jerky, that’s a month old tuna roll.”

Yes sir, if there is one thing those Pakistani clerks are known for, it's there excellent preparation of Sushi.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Walk with me for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

United Airlines might go bankrupt. So now the pilots will have to drink on their own time.

Have all the relatives finally left after Thanksgiving? When mine finally left, I felt like the 101st Airborne liberating Hitler’s Eagle’s nest mountain retreat. Just kidding. My In-laws were great. My Father in-law, in two days, fixes all the things around the house I plan to but don't fix for the entire year. And they say procrastinating doesn't pay. Hah, I say. Hah.

I’ve noticed a lot of J. Lo bashing is in vogue. About her projecting a down-to-earth image yet reportedly throwing Diva tantrums and of course, the obligatory big-butt jokes. So for now, the honeymoon is over, J. Lo. But don't worry, you'lll probably have dozens more. Rumor has it Jennifer Lopez is planning a Christmas wedding. Hopefully the marriage will last as long as the twelve days of Christmas. This way, when her marriage to Ben Affleck doesn't work, she can just return him with the receipt.

UN inspectors pulled a surprise inspection of Saddam Hussein’s palace. Reportedly Hussein is even madder than that grumpy guy is at the dumb guy in the Federal Express commercials. It was embarrassing, just like when my parents would drop in on my first apartment: Saddam and his aides were desperately scrambling around shoving pizza boxes, beer cans and girlie mags under the bed.

A new study shows a distant chemical relative of marijuana may hold the promise of relieving depression and anxiety without the negative side effects of a marijuana high. The negative side effects of getting high? Clearly this study wasn’t done by the band I play harmonica with from time to time. According to them, the only negative effect of getting high is coming down again.

Frequent mountain-biking may reduce fertility in men, according to a study. The frequent jolts and vibrations may cause abnormalities to the reproductive area. This is just what couch potatoes needed to hear:

“Hey, you goin’ mountain biking with us?” “Nah, I’ll just stay here on the couch and protect the boys.”

This only applies to extreme riders who ride up to two hours a day. I guess that once a month ride to get donuts puts me in the clear. Actually, I tell a lie. I rode hard early Sunday morning and, I know this is San Diego, but I nearly froze my "boys" off.

Radio Shack has come out with the talking tire gauge. I couldn’t hear it over my cell phone.

Monday, December 02, 2002

It's time to hunker up and throw down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Stone Phillips turns 48 today. So Happy Birthday to Stone and his hair.

I saw a special on HBO that featured a southern transsexual male and female couple. In other words, the man who surgically became a woman was dating a woman who surgically became a man. Isn’t that like traveling around the world to visit your next door neighbors?

You won’t believe what the U.N. inspectors found in Iraq today: Michael Jackson’s nose. The U.N. inspectors found where Saddam Hussein has been hiding his chemical weapons. On cruise ships.

The man who started Wenchell’s Donuts has past away at the age of 87. He had always been a glazed donut fan, but this time he finally took a powder.

A Carnival Cruise ship came back to Miami with 170 people sick. Not because of the food, but they replayed the old Kathy Lee Gifford commercials. They haven’t had this many people get sick since they booked Tom Arnold as the cruise comedian.

The San Diego Chargers beat the Denver Broncos in overtime 30-27. It was close. The Chargers were dangled over the balcony of defeat like Michael Jackson’s baby. I am starting to think Michael Jackson just doesn’t get it; today somebody asked Michael; “How’s it hangin’?” And he replied; “Oh, the baby’s inside asleep.”

This Christmas I am going to get tough. I am going to pull a Michael Jackson on one of Santa’s elves and dangle him over a balcony until he gives me what I want.

Michael Vick accounted for 346 of Atlanta's 379 yards in offense in the Atlanta Falcons 30-24 overtime win over Minnesota. Vick ran for 173 yards. Luckily for Atlanta, Vick did not need to change into his cape in a phonebooth to fight crime any time during the game.

Detainees in the war on terrorism are contending they should not be held at the U.S. Naval Base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, without being charged with a crime. But then they found out if they were released they would go back to Afghanistan, so they dropped the whole thing.

Taiwan has launched a crack-down on bootleg rice wine after tainted liquor killed at least five people. They should. Nothing will ruin a good buzz faster than dying.

In an annual Thanksgiving tradition, President Bush pardoned the White House turkey He’s gone soft. When he was governor of Texas he would have whacked the turkey and the guy who delivered it for bringing it late. Thanks to the presidential pardon, the turkey is allowed to live in Washington and work as an over-qualified government worker. Do you know the name of the first turkey pardoned by a president? Strom Thurmond.

A controversial Italian doctor claims he has cloned a baby, but many are skeptical. When informed there would be dire legal consequences if he was found to be lying, the doctor said; “Did I say cloned? No, I meant clowned. Yeah, he’s going to join the circus.”